From the stores, they drove to a tree nursery. “Why are we buying a tree?” Hannah asked curiously as Erica paid for the small Bradford pear tree.
“It’s a secret,” Erica replied. “You’ll find out later today.”
As the tree was loaded into the back of her car, Erica looked at her watch, surprised to see that it was nearly three o’clock. Where had the day gone?
When they got back home, Erica was vaguely surprised to find no phone messages on the machine from Caleb. After the day they’d spent together yesterday and his parting words the night before, his silence felt oddly disturbing.
Stop obsessing, she chided herself. He had no way of knowing that she was eager to see him, excited to profess her love for him. He was a businessman. He had a life separate from hers. He’d said he’d be here at five for the surprise.
However, when five o’clock came, Caleb didn’t. Keith and Amy and their children arrived, filling the house with noise and laughter.
Hannah instantly took the two girls into her bedroom to show them her new school clothes and supplies, leaving little Billy to wrestle with his mother for control of the floral centerpiece in the middle of the coffee table.
As Erica prepared soft drinks for everyone, Keith joined her in the kitchen. “We brought something for Hannah,” he said.
Erica looked at him in surprise as he held out a gold necklace with a heart locket. Keith grinned. “Did you really think I didn’t realize that exactly a year ago today Hannah got her new heart? That’s what this little celebration is all about, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” She smiled at Keith. “It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year. In some ways it feels like only yesterday and in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago.”
Keith picked up the tray of drinks. “Where do you want to go with these?” he asked.
“Backyard.” Within minutes everyone had been moved outside. The kids played tag in the yard and Keith, Amy and Erica sat at the picnic table.
Again and again Erica’s gaze went from her watch to Caleb’s house; she couldn’t stop wondering why he hadn’t shown up yet or at least called.
By six, she knew she had to go on with her plans, with or without Caleb. Keith helped her dig the hole for the new tree, then they all gathered around as Erica helped Hannah lower it into place. All the kids helped put the dirt around the base of the tree. When it was firmly set, Erica stepped back and placed a hand on Hannah’s shoulder.
“We planted this tree to mark the first anniversary of Hannah’s heart,” she said. “Exactly one year ago today Hannah received the heart that gave her life.” To Erica’s surprise, tears sprang to her eyes. She laughed with embarrassment and hastily swiped them away.
As Keith presented Hannah the heart necklace, Erica fought the rising emotion inside her. Exactly a year ago, she’d believed her daughter wouldn’t live through the remainder of the day. And then, a miracle occurred. The doctor came into Hannah’s hospital room and told her a heart was available.
Erica had asked no questions. She hadn’t wanted to know where the heart had come from, or why it was now available. All she wanted to know was if the doc tor thought the transplant would work. Would it save her daughter’s life?
Now, Erica found her head filled with questions. She knew the heart had belonged to a child, and that somewhere a mother and father were grieving the loss of their beloved daughter or son.
She didn’t like to think about this aspect of the transplant operation, that one had died so another could live, that her happiness was based on somebody else’s tragedy.
Hannah’s excited chatter broke into Erica’s thoughts. “Mommy, Uncle Keith says if it’s okay with you, I could spend the night with them tonight.”
“He did?” Erica looked at her brother.
“And I promise, no stitches this time,” Keith said.
“I’ll move the coffee table into the garage,” Amy added.
Erica laughed. “Okay, if you’re sure?” She looked from Keith to Amy.
“We’re sure,” Amy replied. “The girls love being with Hannah and what’s one more in this brood?”
By seven, Erica was alone in the house. She washed up the last of the dishes, then put on a fresh pot of coffee. Why hadn’t she heard from Caleb? As the minutes of the day wound down, his silence grew more ominous.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and went to stand at the kitchen window. She looked over to Caleb’s house, surprised to see his kitchen light shining out into the dusk.
So he was home. Why hadn’t he come over for the celebration? Why hadn’t he called her? She frowned worriedly. This wasn’t like him. This wasn’t like him at all. Concern fluttered through her as she wondered exactly what was going on.
Caleb had a hangover. He swallowed two aspirins, poured himself a cup of fresh coffee and sank down into a chair at his kitchen table.
He should be shot for starting the morning drinking beer. He’d never been much of a drinker, but the moment he’d opened his eyes that morning and remembered what day it was, he’d thirsted for anything that would dull his senses, take away the pain. A year ago today he’d lost his Katie.
Pain. Grief for the child he’d lost, but that wasn’t the only source of his pain. Although he would always miss his daughter, his heart had accepted her death and the passing of time had eased that particular ache.
No, it was the anguish of guilt that gnawed at his gut, seared through his soul. If only he’d stopped the car on that fatal morning. If only he’d taken the time to insist that Katie sit down and buckle up.
And now an additional burden of guilt lay like a block of cement in his chest. Last night, after leaving Erica’s home, after telling her he loved her, he’d been struck by the depth of his deception where she was concerned.
He loved her with every fiber of his being, and he knew she had grown to love him just as deeply. But what chance did love have when it was based on a lie? She had no idea what had brought him here, to St. Louis, to her. And his lie of omission weighed heavy on his soul.
He had come to St. Louis not as a businessman in need of a vacation, but rather as a grieving father seeking peace, looking for answers.
Some of those answers, he had found. He knew now there was no essence of Katie Rose McMann inside Hannah Marie Clemmons. He had stopped looking for his daughter in Hannah’s every gesture, every word, every expression. The answers to that particular question had brought him a kind of peaceful closure.
However, the questions he had concerning his future with Erica had not been answered. He feared those answers. He’d watched from the window as she and her family had planted the tree. He’d known from the moment he’d opened his eyes that morning, the moment he’d realized what day it was, that Erica’s secret had to be a celebration of Hannah’s heart transplant.
He’d desperately wanted to share in that celebration, but couldn’t. He hadn’t belonged there, not with the truth of his own secret burning in his stomach.
He jumped as the doorbell rang. Who in the hell could that be? But he knew who it was. He’d known all along that if he didn’t show up today, didn’t at least call her, she’d come to him. He also knew that she wouldn’t leave tonight without knowing about Katie, about Hannah and what had brought him to her.
Wearily he walked through the living room, then opened the front door. Her loveliness caused a bittersweet ache inside him. The loving concern on her face would have been a balm to his spirit if he wasn’t so tormented by what he had to tell her.
“Caleb…are you all right?” she asked. She stepped inside the door and instantly placed a hand against his cheek, as if checking for a fever. “Are you ill?” He knew he probably looked it…sickness of the spirit could ravage a man.
He took her hand in his and pulled it away from his face, finding her gentle, loving touch almost physically painful. “I’m not sick…at least not physically.”
“When you didn’t show up this evening at my place, and didn’t c
all or anything, I got worried. Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look well at all.”
He nodded and pulled her toward the kitchen. “Come in and sit down, Erica. We need to talk. There are some things I need to tell you.”
He saw a slight shimmering fear in her eyes, as if she sensed the conversation to come might be unpleasant. She sat at the table and he pulled up a chair next to hers.
“You aren’t going to tell me you’re married, are you?” She stiffened as if preparing herself for outrage.
“No…no, I’m not married,” Caleb hurriedly replied. He raked a hand through his hair, then rubbed his stubbly jaw, desperately trying to figure out how to tell her what he needed to say.
“Caleb…what is it?” She laid a hand over his, her touch achingly warm.
He drew a deep breath. “You told me once that I’d make a good father. I am a father, I mean I was a father for seven years. Her name was Katie Rose McMann and she died in a car accident.”
“Oh, Caleb,” she gasped, her shock obvious. Instantly she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. He found no solace in her attempt to comfort him.
He stood, forcing her to release her hold on him. Again he drew a hand through his hair and walked over to lean against the sink counter. “We were driving in the car, running late as usual. Katie was in the back seat, being stubborn and refusing to put her seat belt on.”
When he closed his eyes, the vision of the morning drive that had so often haunted his dreams unfolded before him. “I should have stopped the car. I should have pulled over to the side of the road and not driven a mile further until she was safely buckled in.”
Katie’s sweet voice filled his head. “I love you, Daddy Doodle.” He shoved aside her voice and continued his story. “A semi crossed the center line. I didn’t have time to react, to avoid the crash.” He heard the tension in his voice. “Katie probably would have survived if she’d been wearing her seat belt.” These last words blew from him as if carried on a forlorn wind.
“Caleb, you can’t do that to yourself. If anyone was at fault, it was the truck driver who crossed the line. You can’t blame yourself for the accident. And you can’t blame yourself for a tragedy.”
“Then who do I blame?” It was a rhetorical question and he didn’t expect an answer from her.
She stood and walked over to him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she leaned into him, as if to share what she assumed was his grief.
For a long moment they held each other. He could feel her heartbeat mingling with his own, felt the empathy that rolled off her in waves.
Hope buoyed him. Maybe she’d understand after all. Maybe she wouldn’t be angry with him, wouldn’t cut him out of her life.
“You want to see a picture of Katie?” he asked. He hoped that if he could make her see his Katie, know sweet Katie, then she’d understand the overwhelming forces that had driven him here, in search of Katie’s heart.
“Sure,” she agreed and stepped back from him.
He pulled out his wallet and flipped it open, then withdrew the picture of Katie he always carried with him. It was a second-grade school picture, and one that captured her little-girl essence perfectly.
He handed the photo to Erica and watched as she studied it. “She’s beautiful,” Erica said softly.
For the first time all day Caleb felt a smile curve his lips. “She was beautiful. She loved ribbons and dolls and tea parties.”
“And you.”
Emotion choked in his throat as he nodded. “And me.”
“Caleb, why didn’t you tell me about her before?” Erica searched his face. “I can’t tell you I know the pain of losing a child, but I can tell you I know the fear of losing one.” She placed her hand on the side of his face, her gaze filled with love.
“You’ve given me such happiness, you should have known you could share this pain with me. I love you, Caleb. I want to share all of it with you…the joys and the pains of life.”
He allowed the words she’d just spoken to wash over him in a flood of warmth and pleasure. How he had wanted to hear those words from her…but after…after he’d told her everything.
He drew a deep breath, knowing the time had come. It could not be put off any longer. “Erica, the car accident that claimed Katie’s life occurred exactly one year ago today. Katie died, but I agreed that her heart would be donated for transplant.” He watched her eyes widen as comprehension dawned. “Erica, my Katie’s heart now beats in Hannah’s chest.”
Chapter 13
“What?” She stared at him. She thought she’d heard what he said, but wasn’t certain. It couldn’t be what she thought she’d heard.
“Katie’s heart…Hannah has it now.”
“Is this your idea of a tasteless joke?” Erica’s head reeled with the echo of his words.
“No, it’s the truth.”
She recoiled and stepped back from him, an overwhelming sense of betrayal assaulting her from within, creating an anger that momentarily stole her breath away.
“Erica, please…let me explain.”
“Explain what?” Her anger found her voice. “That you came into my life and my daughter’s life under false pretenses? That you lied about everything just to gain some sort of access to me and Hannah?”
“But that’s not true,” he protested and took a step toward her.
“Stay away from me,” she warned him, appalled to feel the sting of tears in her eyes. She swiped at them angrily. “I thought you loved me, loved Hannah, but I know now your love is as phony as everything about you. My God, I can’t believe this. All you wanted was to replace the family you lost. That’s what this has all been about all along.”
“That’s not true!” He held his hands out in a gesture of helplessness. “For God’s sake, please listen to me. Let me explain everything.”
Erica drew in a deep breath, desperately trying to gain control of her anger and the pain that swirled inside her heart. “Just tell me one thing…how did you find us? The doctors at the hospital actively discouraged me from trying to find out anything about the donor, which wasn’t a problem for me because I didn’t want to know anything.”
He frowned, looking more weary, more ill than he had when Erica had first arrived. “The day of the accident, after I’d agreed to donate Katie’s heart, I overheard a nurse say that it was going to St. Louis.”
He leaned back against the refrigerator, as if too exhausted to stand without support. “For months, I did nothing about it. I threw myself into my work, hoping that would help me cope.” He rubbed a hand across his forehead, his fingers pausing to momentarily massage one temple. “It didn’t help. Nothing helped. So, I contacted a private investigator to help me find the child who had received Katie’s heart.”
A private investigator. A paid informant. A stranger had delved into her life, offering Caleb the pieces he’d found. Had he told Caleb all about the poor divorced woman with the sick child? Had he told Caleb about their financial struggles, how she lived her life? A sense of violation mingled with the betrayal.
“Why?” She felt as if she were about to break into a million pieces. “What on earth did you hope to accomplish by coming here, by meddling in our lives?” she asked, still angry but needing to understand.
He pushed off from the refrigerator and walked across the kitchen floor to take a seat at the table. “Please…sit. If I could just explain why I came here, why I needed to connect with you and Hannah, then maybe…you’ll forgive me.”
She didn’t want to sit with him, she didn’t even want to be talking to him. Pain ached inside her, the pain of love lost, of dreams forsaken. At the moment, forgiveness seemed way out of the question.
There was no way she could believe that he truly loved her. He loved the heart that beat in Hannah’s chest, his daughter’s heart. And he’d convinced himself that he loved Hannah’s mother. How nice and neat. How utterly convenient.
No, she didn’t want to hear anything he had to say…
and yet knew she couldn’t leave here without knowing what it would be. Without volition, unable to stop herself, she took the seat opposite his.
“When I first decided to come here to St. Louis, I just wanted to see Hannah, make sure she was healthy and doing okay.” His eyes were a deep, midnight color, as if the silvery starlight in them had been momentarily banished by thoughts of his daughter’s death.
He averted his gaze from her and stared out the nearby window, where only the darkness of the night was visible. “I thought it would be enough, to drive by and get a glance of her. I thought it would be enough, but it wasn’t.”
He looked at her once again, the silver glow back in his eyes, but so intense it nearly stole her breath away. “If, at any time before the moment of Katie’s death, I had been asked my thoughts about the human heart, I would have replied that the heart is nothing but a pump necessary for life. No magic, nothing mystical about it.”
“But your opinion changed?” she asked, despite the fact she told herself she didn’t care why he’d come, why he’d manipulated his way into their lives.
He leaned back in his chair and dragged a hand through his dark hair, a gesture she recognized as a sign of his nervousness, his agitation. “No, my opinion didn’t necessarily change, but I did begin to wonder about possibilities.”
“Possibilities?” She wasn’t sure she understood. She wasn’t sure she wanted to understand. How had this happened? How had everything gotten so crazy and mixed-up?
“Poets write about the heart, we talk about people being heartsick, heartbroken, kindhearted and on and on.” He leaned forward, and Erica smelled the familiar scent of him, the clean maleness that had wrapped around her each time they made love.
She wanted to weep because she knew she’d never have that experience again. Never again would she allow him to hold her in his arms, kiss her lips, or work his magic on her heart. He was leaving her heart as he’d initially found it. Dead…empty…lonely.
In a Heartbeat Page 16
