by Jenna Baker
*****
After Foxy and I finished up, we jumped in his car and headed back to the station. I decided to check in with Mac. They had done a little better because Manny speaks Spanish but didn’t come up with much either. Reid had checked in with the two field cops also assigned to the case. One company was automatically discounted because the cabs were black and white instead of black and yellow. The other company came out clean except two men they were going to go check alibis on.
I looked at the clock in the car and saw that it was almost four. I had to be across town for the rehearsal dinner at seven, and I still needed to get dressed. I pulled my visor down and looked in the mirror.
“I feel filthy from that place. At least my hair is holding up.”
“You know what I do after I’m in a shit hole like that?” Foxy asked. “I clean out my ears.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Seriously! It just gets all the gunk out, you know?”
“Actually, I did have my ears cleaned at the doctor’s office one time and it felt awesome. My mom does the homeopathic stuff where they put a candle in your ear and burn it – she says it’s great.”
“Pop the glove box, let’s cleanse,” Foxy said.
I opened the glove box and saw a travel pack of cotton swabs. If this could make me feel like I hadn’t spent the past two hours in a greasy, hot cabbie office, then it was well worth it. I grabbed a swab, gave one to Foxy, and we both got to work.
It did feel good, actually, as I turned the swab around in my right ear. “You know, you’re right,” I said to Foxy. I pulled out the swab, flipped it around and inserted it into my other ear. I turned it back and forth and felt a lot better. I pulled out the swab to throw out the window, but noticed that the top part of the swab was no longer on the stick.
I put my finger in my ear and realized the cotton part was stuck in there. I used my pinky finger to try to pry it out, but I couldn’t grab it. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” I said. I reached for it again, and instead of pulling it out, I managed to push it in further. “The tip is stuck in my ear.”
Foxy tossed his swab out the window and looked over at me. “Let me see.” Foxy looked in my ear. “Yeah, you’ve got it really jammed up in there. Can you push it out?”
“I’m trying.” I put some pressure around my ear trying to squeeze it out but it didn’t work. “I need tweezers or something.”
“All right, let me pull over somewhere. I have a first aid kit in the trunk.”
“This is your fault, you know,” I said.
“Yeah, right. It’s my fault you can’t clean your ears.”
“No, these are a crappy brand. If you hadn’t cheapened out and bought the generic I wouldn’t be in this predicament!”
“Well, they really aren’t supposed to go in your ear, Sharpe. I mean, it says that on the package.”
“What!? Maybe I didn’t hear you right with this cheap-ass cotton stuck in my ear.”
“You probably can’t judge your volume either because you’re kind of yelling,” Foxy said to me.
“Just pull over!” I commanded.
“Okay, okay.” Foxy pulled off to the side of the road. He stepped out of the car and opened the trunk. I tried to look at my ear in the mirror but it was hard to see the swab – it was really up there.
Foxy returned carrying a first aid kit and opened the passenger door. I gave him a dirty look and swung my legs out so that he could look in my ear more easily. Foxy found a pair of tweezers in the kit and pulled them out.
“Okay, turn your head.” I turned and Foxy looked inside. “This might feel a little weird.”
I felt the tweezers go in and then I felt Foxy opening and closing them, trying to grip the swab. Instead he caught a tiny hair in my ear and pulled.
“Ow!” I yelped.
Foxy looked at me solemnly, then his lips curled into a smile.
“Don’t start laughing. Don’t you dare laugh at me,” I warned.
“Oh, Sharpe, how do you get yourself into these situations? I think it’s stuck in there.” I could see his stomach giggling and I knew he was quietly laughing.
“I have my sister’s rehearsal dinner tonight – you have to get it out!”
The belly giggled a little more and then Foxy crouched down. “Okay, let me try again.”
Foxy inserted the tweezers and, once again, didn’t manage to grip anything except a piece of my skin this time. “Damn it!” I called out.
“Honey, I’m sorry, I think we have to go to the hospital. Unless you want to walk around all night saying ‘what?’”
I sighed deeply. “I can’t believe this. All right, let’s go. Can you get me in faster? Tell them I’m a cop or something?”
“I can do you one better – Sherry works over at St. Catherine’s.”
“Oh, great,” I said sarcastically. I hadn’t enjoyed my first encounter with her and feared what this next one would bring.
“Well, it beats waiting around for three hours for someone to see you.”
Foxy jumped into the driver’s seat and we took off. He called Sherry on her cell phone to let her know we were coming.
“Yeah, she’s got the tip stuck in her ear,” Foxy said, laughing. I could hear Sherry laughing through the other side of the phone, too. I rolled my eyes.
We arrived at the hospital twenty minutes later and Foxy and I rushed into the ER. On the drive, Foxy called not only Sherry, but also Reid and Mac separately. He asked each not to tell the other because he wanted to be the one to deliver the news. Foxy got a lot of mileage out of the story and at one point ran a red light because he was laughing so hard. Luckily, it was my left ear that was blocked, so I could only hear about fifty percent of what he was saying.
I filled out the paperwork at the hospital and waited. Sherry came out about ten minutes later and walked up to us. She had a bright smile on her face and looked like an angel coming to rescue me. Foxy and I were seated in the waiting room, and we both stood up when Sherry approached.
“Hi, Sherry,” I said sheepishly.
“Now, honey, don’t you worry. This happens all the time. I’m always telling Dusty not to use those things.”
I smiled at the use of the name Dusty. I had forgotten Foxy’s real name was Dustin. “Hi, baby,” Sherry said to Foxy and they exchanged a hug and kiss. Sherry was acting very sweet, but I knew she could turn at any moment, so I was careful not to be too pushy.
“So what do you think – can you sneak me in?”
“Yup – come on back,” Sherry said and waved me to follow her. I was so relieved I almost wet my pants.
Sherry led me into the ER and sat me on one of the beds. “I really appreciate this Sherry, I owe you one.” I told her.
Sherry closed the curtain around us and turned to me. “That’s okay, I wanted to speak with you privately anyway.”
“About what?” I asked nervously.
“Have you ever noticed the way that Bradley looks at my husband?”
I squinted my face, not sure where she was going with this. “I don’t know what you mean, Sherry.”
“Have you ever noticed,” she continued, “how tightly Bradley wears his jeans?”
“They’re a little snug. You think he wears them tight for Foxy?” I asked.
“My husband is a very attractive man,” Sherry said sternly.
I tried very hard to take the conversation seriously because I wanted that swab out of my ear badly. “So you’re saying that you think Reid is gay?”
“I don’t know if he’s fully gay, but he has the tendencies, don’t you think?”
“I hadn’t really thought about it.”
“Well, maybe you’d better. Foxy tells me you’re in love with him and I’d hate to think you were wasting time chasing after someone who plays for the other team.” Sherry gave me a knowing glance, then turned towards the curtain. “The doctor will be in shortly.”
I nodded. I knew that Sherry was crazy so I didn’t put
too much stock in what she was saying – but could she be right? I mean, Reid talked a big game, but how did I know it wasn’t all an act? Maybe the real reason his mother had to rent him a date for the school dance was because she didn’t want the whole school to know the truth. Schools are progressive these days, but back when we were kids, things were different. I pondered these thoughts until the doctor came in.
I could hear the doctor speaking to me even before he opened the curtain. He spoke in a singsong voice. “So somebody likes to put things in their ears, huh?” He pulled back the curtain and I saw his face drop. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I was expecting a child. Sorry about that. So, um, you have something stuck in your ear, right?”
Thirty minutes later I was strolling out of the E.R. and could hear a whole lot better. I checked my watch and saw it was only six o’clock – I could still make the party. Foxy and I ran towards the car, and he sped all the way to the station.
We arrived at the station at six fifteen, and I used their bathroom to primp and prep. The bathroom ranked quite high on my list of most disgusting places I’d changed in. Number one was still an outhouse at a county fair that I had to change in after falling in the dunk tank.
I took my time, making sure that my pants didn’t touch the ground when I took them off and that my dress didn’t absorb too much of the urine smell that was engulfing the room. My dress hung just above my knees and had a low dip that formed a V-shape in both the front and back. I couldn’t wear a bra, so instead, I had to use pasties. They felt very weird and kept my nipples permanently stimulated, plus I’d have to take a warm shower to get them off. It always amazed me what women were willing to do to look good.
I put on quite a bit of eye liner and lipstick and applied some fresh deodorant. I pinned my hair up in a loose bun and checked myself out in the mirror. I looked pretty good. The low-cut front helped to distract from the flab on my stomach, and my high heels helped make my legs look toned.
I stepped out of the bathroom and walked out into the bullpen to tell the guys goodnight. As the fluorescent lights hit my skin, I felt all eyes in the room on me. Foxy was sitting at his desk, and Mac and Manny were working on charging the equipment.
“Whoa, Sharpe – you wearing a bra with that thing?” Foxy blurted out.
“Nope,” I said.
“Ay-ay-ay!” Manny sang.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Okay, guys, I’m going to the wedding rehearsal. If anything major breaks, call me. Mac and Manny, you guys can go home – just drop the latest set of tapes at the office to get digitized, okay?”
The guys nodded and I turned quickly, not realizing Reid was standing behind me. I had a bit of momentum and I sailed right into him. His hands were raised to stop me and connected with each of my breasts as we collided. I could feel his warm palms against my pasties. I looked up at him and saw his eyes were wide. He looked down at his hands, still holding on to me.
“Uh, sorry,” Reid said, pulling his hands away.
I was a little flustered. “Oh…that’s okay. I mean, these things happen.”
“She ain’t wearing no bra, Reid!” Foxy called out.
“Yes, I could feel that,” Reid answered.
We both stared at each other nervously. I thought about the conversation I’d had with Sherry earlier and realized she was wrong – Reid was definitely not gay. “Well, goodnight,” I said.
“Right, goodnight. Have a nice time.”
“Thanks. Call me if anything comes up.”
“She ain’t talking about your johnson, dude,” Foxy added.
Reid threw a pen at Foxy and I headed out the door.
I battled traffic for the next thirty minutes but miraculously arrived at the venue exactly at seven. It was being held in the private back room of Le Petit Pan, a restaurant frequented by the who’s who of Hollywood and the only place my mother was willing to consider for the dinner.
The hostess walked me to the back room, where my father and some of my cousins were gathered. The room was decorated to the nines, and pink was the primary color. There were several tables scattered about with three-foot arrangements of assorted flowers. The walls were covered in branches painted white with little tea lights hanging off them. The whole room looked like an enchanted forest – the perfect setting for my sister, the princess. The décor alone probably cost twenty grand, and I walked over to my dad shaking my head.
“Is she kidding me?”
“We’re divorced, remember? I have no say in how your mother spends her money.”
“Well, she’s gonna have to remarry you if she keeps this up.”
“Nah, she’ll just sell more adult diapers or something. It’s all in a day’s work. You look beautiful, sweetie.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said and kissed him on the cheek. “So where is the belle of the ball?”
“In the restaurant. Ginny saw some big celeb out there, so she and your mother are pretending to dine at a table next to him. Of course, neither one of them plans to eat anything – they’re fasting, you know.”
“Yeah, I didn’t get that memo until it was too late.”
“How’s the case?”
“Another guy turned up dead last night, but the trail is getting cold. I don’t think we’re gonna solve this one, which really sucks. Lenny said my episode would headline, but I doubt that’s going to happen now. He’s not coming tonight, right?”
“No, only family, but he’ll be there tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I know, I’m hoping something breaks tonight, but it probably won’t.”
My Dad put his arm around me. “You look tired, kiddo.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m exhausted. I didn’t think the hours on the show would be this bad. I mean, I knew they would be bad, but not for this long. I thought the case would be solved right off the bat, but I’ve been going steady on maybe three hours of sleep a night since Tuesday.”
“Maybe you should quit this racket and find something else.”
“Maybe I should.”
“Woo-woo!” My mother and sister called out as they ran into the party. “Woo-woo!” they chanted again, running up to my father and me.
“We met Dirk Jacobson,” Ginny began. “We totally met Dirk Jacobson!”
“He actually recognized me from TV – can you believe that?” my mother said. “He was the one who approached me and he said I looked great.”
“We told him all about the wedding and of course I invited him,” Ginny said. She turned to my mother. “Do you think he’ll come?”
“I don’t know, honey, but when I told him Motgi Sanjeev was going to be there he seemed intrigued.”
“He said he thought I would be a beautiful bride!” Ginny cried out. “I have to find Bob to tell him. I mean, meeting Dirk Jacobson the night before your wedding? That has to be good luck!”
Ginny ran off to find Bob, and my mother gave me a kiss. “You look very nice, honey.”
I was a little shocked by the compliment. “Really? You wouldn’t change anything?”
“Let’s not go that far. How is your job – did you catch those killers yet?”
“Not yet. This place looks amazing, mom.”
“I know – it cost a fortune, but don’t worry, I will do the same for you when you find your prince charming. Actually, Victoria, weddings are great places to meet people. Weddings and rehearsals.”
“Dad said this party was for family only. You want me to date my cousins?”
“No, but you could date Bob’s cousins.”
I decided to ignore that comment and instead distract her with a question. “Are we actually rehearsing now?”
“No, honey, not tonight. We’ll run through everything in the morning – didn’t you get my email with the timeline of events?”
“Oh yeah,” I lied. “I just forgot for a minute there.” I didn’t want to tell my mother that I hadn’t checked my email in days. My goal was to stay as low-key as possible tonight.
A wa
iter walked by carrying a tray of drinks. I pulled off a glass of sauvignon blanc and took a large sip. Instantly my shoulders sank, and I relaxed a little. I hadn’t had an opportunity to enjoy life and just be myself lately, and I planned to take advantage. I was going to eat, drink, be merry, and do my best to forget about cops and guns and dead bodies – at least for one night.
Everything that was served was scrumptious. I had been existing on donuts and hot wings and now, suddenly, I was eating warm goat cheese tartlets, duck confit and a mouthwatering rare hangar steak served with béarnaise sauce. It wasn’t long before I was in a full-on food coma. I washed everything down with vino, and by nine o’clock, I was passed out on a couch next to the ladies’ room.
I am not sure how long I was asleep, but I awoke to my mother leaning over me and repeating my name over and over again. “Victoria! Victoria, get up!”
I jumped and looked at her. “Oh, sorry. I guess I fell asleep.”
“It’s time for your speech.”
“My what?”
“Your speech. Your maid-of-honor speech. Please tell me you prepared something.”
I felt my heart sink. I surmised that this speech was also on that timeline email that I didn’t bother to read. I knew my mother was on edge and I didn’t want to ruffle her feathers, so I smiled and stood up. “Yes, I remember – my speech. I’m ready.”
“Good, because the best man is just finishing up. I would have liked to hear what he said, but I’ve been searching for you for the past five minutes.”
“Okay,” I said, standing up. “Let’s do this.”
I stood in front of fifty relatives and strangers with a glass in my hand and absolutely nothing going through my head. I stared at my sister and then at Bob and tried to think of a kind word to say.
“What can I say about Ginny and Bob?” I said aloud. I was asking myself just as much as everyone else in the room. I felt my mother’s glare on me and I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my brow. “What can any of us say about Ginny and Bob? Um, let’s throw out some adjectives, okay? Let me hear some.”
The room was silent for a long moment. I was about to give up when someone yelled out “fun loving.”
“Yes!” I cheered. “Great adjective. What else?”
“Hot!” called out someone in the back.
“Yes, Ginny is hot. Bob is questionable,” I said, getting a laugh from the room. “Anyone else?”
“Sweet,” said one person.
“Successful,” said another.
“Perfect for each other,” said yet another.
“Great, great. It’s nice to be in a room with people who share so much love for the lucky couple. If you didn’t know, I’m Ginny’s sister Victoria, and I am so happy for her. She has really met a great man. Being the maid of honor in this wedding is not only bringing me closer to my sister, but it’s giving me what I always dreamed of growing up – a brother.”
There was a collective “aww” from the room as I tried to choke back the vomit that was rising in my throat. I wanted Bob as my brother like I wanted a pen in my eye. I could see that Ginny was just melting over my speech, but Bob could see right through it. I raised my glass. “To the happy couple.”
Everyone raised their glasses and we drank. Ginny ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me. “That was so touching, Vicky – even if you didn’t mean a word of it.”
I smiled politely. “Of course I did.”
Bob approached me next. “Vapor Rub – I didn’t know you cared.”
I glared back at him giving him my best icy stare. He gave me a big bear hug and shook me back and forth.
“I’m gonna be that brother to you Vapor. I’m gonna protect you and be there for you – just like you always dreamed I would.”
He was being sarcastic, and I didn’t think he was funny. Plus he was sweaty and all the shaking was messing up the adhesion on my pasties. “Okay, that’s enough,” I said, pushing him off. “I’m very happy for you, Bobble-Head. You deserve my sister – you deserve everything you’re gonna get.”
