I slowly shook my head, mulling over my recent thoughts. I’d spent so many years avoiding him when, in reality, it seemed pointless to do so. Was I hurt? Sure, but he was, too. I bit the corner of my mouth and released my lip with a pop. I was tired of only partially living my own life. Maybe, had I not been such a shit, I would have come home and been able to spend more time with Dad, I would have known he was sick long before it was too late. The what-ifs were enough to drive me insane, so I simply decided I wouldn’t let them anymore. At least not today. Tomorrow was another story.
“Do you ever wonder…” My voice trailed off, suddenly my bravery back-stepped, and I questioned myself.
“What would have happened if we stayed together?” He finished my thought and patted the couch cushion beside him. I joined him, nodding in agreement. “Me too. All the fucking time, which I wouldn’t accept the truth myself, but I’ll admit it to you.” He ran his hands through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck a few times before continuing, “Really, Ray, who the fuck knows? It doesn’t change anything, right?” He brushed his index and middle finger over his mouth a few times before cupping his lips and letting them go.
“Guess not. We can’t fix the past,” I pointed out, more to myself than to him.
“Can’t run from the future either.” He half-heartedly smiled, leaning his head against the back of the couch, a whirlwind of emotions stirred behind his irises, and his pupils broadened. My pulse quickened the longer I watched him watching me. One of us should say something else, but what was there to say? Should I scream that I’d missed him every day since we last saw one another? No. That would be a huge mistake; I wasn’t even sure if that was what I truly felt or if it was simply being in such close proximity to him that confused my senses.
My body reacted to his as it had in the past, making me ache for him to touch me, but again, that would certainly be another misstep. I needed to move from this couch, however, I didn’t want to all at the same time. I’d never been one to look for grand gestures from a higher power, and yet, I needed an intervention. Being around Logan was intoxicating and despite how confused I was, one thing was clear: I’d missed him.
10
Crow
I told myself to get away from her, but my body didn’t listen. In fact, the fucker scooted closer and brushed her hair out of her face, my hand then rested on her collarbone. This was bad, I would ruin her. I didn’t have promises of eternity to make to her, and honestly, I wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted to do anyway. I liked her being around, but my life wasn’t as simplistic as it was when we’d parted. It wasn’t only me now. I had a shop, which practically ran itself, and was VP of our chapter. There was a long list of felonies that might eventually catch up with me, and she didn’t need that bringing her down. There wasn’t a question in my mind that she didn’t need to be tangled up in any of the shit I was.
Not to mention The Dogs were bound to retaliate, it was just a matter of when and where. Ghoul had called in a favor from our DC chapter, and a handful of brothers were to arrive in a few days to add to our security and back up our SGT at arms, Wily. He wasn’t a huge guy, but the fucker was mean, which was how he earned his road name from Ghoul. One look at him and Ghoul didn’t think the guy had what it took to be a Bastard, fuck if he was ever wrong. Wily taught all of us that it was the little guys you had to worry about. What he didn’t have in size, he more than made up for in aggression. One might say he had a Napoleon complex, but he wasn’t short, just smaller than a lot of the brothers.
All of those reasons didn’t stop me when they should have. Maybe this was what we needed, closure. Who the fuck knew? I fucking didn’t. I was insane for even entertaining the idea of hooking up with her, but my dick had other plans, a course of his own.
Her eyelids slowly closed and reopened as my fingertips trailed up her neck, cupping her cheek. This was the moment my sins would seep so incredibly far beneath her skin that she could never erase them. My mind screamed for me to find the strength to stop what was happening between us, and then it implored me for the literal opposite. If this happened, my corruption would be a part of her life from this day forth. She didn’t have the faintest clue of the wickedness I was capable of, but it was something I rarely forgot. My past was an atrocity that would stain her steps, lingering in her shadow, awaiting the day to rise from the ground and consume her life. Maybe I was being paranoid. It wasn’t like I was asking her to marry me. This should be a simple situation to deal with. No decision involving Ray was an easy one to make, though. I constantly questioned if what I was doing was right or wrong. Most of the time I didn’t find any more of an answer than when I had begun thinking about it.
I told myself I wouldn’t initiate things between us, but I did anyway. Albeit, it was an involuntary move, one I was certain Mary and Wren had played a significant role in. Had it not been for Mary’s guilt-tripping me, I wouldn’t have dropped by the house unannounced. Regardless of what brought us together, I vowed to keep Ray safe, even if it was me I had to protect her from. I was bargaining, trying to justify the moment. If she was okay with it, I would be, too. Really, I had no idea what to do next. My body froze in place, I would not do this to her. I couldn’t be selfish with her, no matter how much my body begged for it.
Her hands shook as they traveled up my chest, and I sucked in a long breath when her fingers touch my cut. My initial reaction was unstoppable, my hands flew up to hers, and caught them just as they reached my VP patch. It wasn’t easy to let someone see me for who I really was inside. My colors were my protection, most people wouldn’t come near me simply because I wore them. Ray wasn’t most people, though. She may be the only person on this planet who knew the true me. I wasn’t a lying son of a bitch, people got what they saw, but that didn’t mean I was forthcoming with my innermost thoughts. Ray used to have a way of prying them from me without ever having to ask.
“Am I not supposed to touch it?” She withdrew her hand quickly and recoiled from me, wrapping her arms around her body. The light of desire swiftly evaporated from her irises and betrayal and hurt pulsated behind them. It was difficult watching her trust wilt into bitterness. I had to do something and fast.
Fuck! I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’d told myself I tried to prevent it from moving forward, but I hadn’t really. Never once had I given her the impression this was something I didn’t think was a good idea. We had too much history to make it possible to easily walk away. I guess my subconscious was more ravenous than I was aware of. The only possibility left was to face the truth. This was never about closure for me as I thought, it was pouring salt directly into an oversized wound by the gallon and idly standing by while the pain swelled. If this was one night or forever, I would take it. It didn’t matter how things ended with her as long as she was at peace with it. My feelings and what shape I was in after this no longer mattered. I would deal with my damage later, right now, I had to fix what I had already wrecked between us.
“Ray, I’m sorry,” I took her cupped hands into mine and kissed the backs of them. “It’s just hard for me to do this.”
“Because it’s me?” Her voice broke, and she stared at the only part of our bodies that touched. Our clasped hands.
“Well, no and yes,” I honestly answered, and when she tried to pull away, my hold intensified. She needed to hear the rest of my statement before she made a decision. If she wished for me to walk out her door and didn’t want to see me again after she heard what I had to say, I would honor it. I would hate every waking second I roamed this earth from that point on, knowing she was this close and I ruined us.
With a massive inhale and an enormous amount of courage, I continued, “Just let me finish, please. If I don’t say it now, I won’t. You know that’s how I am.”
“It’s how you used to be.”
“I haven’t changed all that much, not really. I have a criminal record thicker than I care to admit, but I’m still me. It’s not hard for me to be with you.
I’ve thought of it for so long, I was pretty damn positive I imagined it at times,” I paused, waiting for her to say something, but no sounds left her body. She pulled in a silent breath and the smallest amount of hurt faded from her body. Her shoulders relaxed and she shook her head. “It’s the truth. But that isn’t the part you need to hear. It’s so fucking hard to be here with you again. I knew we would never see each other anymore, and if we did, it would be when you came back after you married some rich asshole I would hate from afar. I promised myself I wouldn’t stand in the way of your future; I can’t give you anything. I’m a fucking nobody. I mean, fuck, what do I have to offer?” Uncertainty rattled through my bones as the words came faster than I could process them.
“You’re all I need right now, Logan. That’s what you have to offer. You.” She sighed and rubbed small circled onto my palms with the pad of her thumbs. “I regret so much of my life, and if I could have a redo, there’s so much I would do differently…especially things between us. That’s not possible, though. Is it?” She sniffed as her declaration overtook her and one singular tear snuck down her face. She rubbed her cheek against her shoulder, wiping the tear away and huffed, annoyed with herself. This was something a lot of people wouldn’t give a second thought to, but Ray always hated letting people see her cry.
“We’ve sure fucked a lot up, haven’t we?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood. It wasn’t easy for either of us to face our past. Clearly, she regretted as much as I did. In the back of my mind, I always figured she did, but hearing her admit it, was different. My heart pounded apprehension with each beat, one second living in the moment, and the next thud, fell somewhere else in time as I thought of everything between us. The past, present, and future.
She faintly nodded, and I pulled her against me, hating it had taken such a long time for us to find each other again. No one had the power to predict how much shit we could have prevented had we both not been too stubborn to pick up a damn phone. All this time, I stayed away because I thought that was best for her. Hell, it was probably the most decent thing I would ever do in my life. It was the reason I didn’t chase her; I saw how much I loved her and understood letting her go was the only selfless thing I could do at the time. The thing was, I wasn’t a noble person, and I couldn’t say with a great deal of confidence that I ever was. With her body against mine, I knew the answer, at least for now. I’d been in the darkness for so long without her, today, I would recklessly follow her into the light. Having her here didn’t make me any less damned than I was yesterday, but there was one unquestionable fact. when I was with her, I wasn’t as broken. At this moment, she quieted the frenzy of my tormented thoughts and silenced the demons within my mind with her mere presence. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be with her, the reason I didn’t reach out to her when she quit calling. She had been my own personal form of compulsion and evidently still was. Some people injected drugs into their veins, while others lost themselves in the bottom of a bottle, pursuing comfort. For me, she was the only addiction I would always crave. I understood everything then: I would never get enough of her.
Our kiss was sudden, and I wasn’t certain who kissed who first. The way our tongues demanded more from the other, it wasn’t clear if this was reconnection or a goodbye. I pled with God not to let it be our last. We’d gone too many years without the other, and it was as if we were trying to make up for the time we missed.
I ripped my cut off and put it on the back of the couch, and she pulled her shirt off at the same time, flinging it across the room. Her lips branded me as hers, and I would claim her body as mine. When she breathed out, I breathed her in. The constant back and forth in my mind slowed with every touch between us.
She watched me through her thick eyelashes while she climbed onto her knees and stopped moving. It was almost like she was asking me what direction we were headed. I had absolutely no fucking clue and probably never would. The one undeniable reality was what I wouldn’t admit to her. Not now and honestly I didn’t know when I would, ergo I spoke with verity and hoped it was enough. “I missed you, Ray. So fucking much,” I said in a thick voice, my fingertips pressing into her back, my thumbs hooking through the loops of her pants as I tugged her on top of me.
“I missed you more, Logan.” She panted in between the words, grinding against me. I couldn’t take anymore, and I didn’t know if it was because of her words or the way her hips moved against mine. I had to get rid of our clothes and fast. Otherwise, she was about to be extremely disappointed.
Flipping the button of her jeans between my thumb and two fingers, I undid her pants and rushed to pull down the zipper. She lifted herself up, and I yanked the denim off her body as she raised her knees one at a time to help. My thumb went to work on her clit at once causing my dick to throb in agony. All I could think about was being inside her and how fucking hot she was.
Dropping onto my hand, she guided it to her entrance, pushing her lace panties to the side for better access. She directed two of my fingers inside her with a few of her own, and I gritted my teeth. At this rate, I would come before she had a chance to touch me. I had to pace myself because I would be damned if that happened. I was going to fuck her tonight, even if it killed me. There was no going back from this, I was seeing it through to the ending.
She pumped her pussy up and down the length of my fingers, and just as her walls clenched around them, she stopped to undo my blue jeans and circled her hand around my shaft. A pounding pulse vibrated up the length, and the head expanded a bit from the rush. A bead of liquid flowed down the top of my dick, and she flipped a finger up, oiling the engine, so to speak.
This was fucking torture. I’d thought I couldn’t go any longer before, but now, I was at my breaking point. I wrapped my fingers around hers and cupped her ass with the opposite hand, steering her body toward my tip. When her clit touched it, we both moaned, and although I could look at her breathtaking body from now until the end of days, my eyes flickered to her warm honey eyes. I saw the emotion behind them and would bet the same was mirrored in mine, but I couldn’t say the words. I was a fucking fool, and now more than ever, I wanted to say them, but I didn’t know if she was ready to hear them. these words were the right ones to tell someone at the wrong moment, and I kept them to myself, basically repeating what I’d said earlier. “I missed you so fucking much, Ray,” I was barely able to mumble in a voice full of desire for her.
“I know.” She smirked, moving my tip slightly to touch the edge of her clit, and it was only then, I realized what she was doing: intentionally making me suffer. Any other time, I would have given just as much hell and afflicted just as much agonizing persecution because that was how we used to do things. Despite how much we wanted to cling to the people we used to be, we weren’t those people. We were the same in many ways yet differed in so many more. The one factor that remained untouched was our profound need for each other.
I flicked my tip against her clit a few more times. When her breathing increased, I rocked into her. Her pussy was unbelievably tight, tighter than I remembered, as she sent pure bliss into my body. I answered by driving unbridled ecstasy into hers. I didn’t know what tomorrow would hold, but tonight, it was just us. I refused to let anything else take center stage because she was my main focus, and I was hers. Neither of us found feasible answers for where we stood with one another, but we would unquestionably stand with each other to find the solution.
11
Ray
Hearing people call him Crow and not Logan would be bizarre, really fucking weird, honestly. We both agreed to dive into each other’s world to see how things would go. It might be the ending we both sought after, or it could be a very peculiar beginning to something entirely different. Neither of us had any clue at all, but it got me out of bed today, so that was something.
“Here, put this on. Don’t want to hurt that beautiful head of yours.” Logan smiled, tossing a helmet to me and helping me hook it under my chin. He’d told me
to wear boots, jeans, and layers because the ride from his house to the clubhouse—I think that’s what Logan called it—might be cold. No one really could prepare for Ohio weather because it was unpredictable from one minute to the next. Thankfully, I could still fit into the clothes hanging in my closet that I’d left behind at Mom and Dad’s. I appreciated the sentiment, so I didn’t tell him it was pretty clear what I should wear, that would have made me look like an asshole. I merely told him thank you before we swung by last night to pick up a few things so I could stay the night at his house to make things go a little smoother. We both knew I hated mornings and would be more likely to actually go if he was there to keep my mind on course.
Mom was full of questions but seemed only partly committed when asking them. Something told me she had a part in this, but I couldn’t prove it. Logan hadn’t expected me to be home, believing Mom would be. In her defense, she had invited me to go out with her and Wren, but I’d declined. Perhaps she was giving me an out without actually telling me what she was doing. It was right up the lane of things she would do to try and fix things. She was naturally a nurturer, and her go-to was busying herself with caring for other people when she should be doing it for herself. I was supposed to be taking care of her, but I think it had somehow transformed into the reversal. She was looking out for me and taking Dad’s death better than I was. Of course, she was. She saw it coming, and they waited until the last minute to bring me into the loop. A part of me wanted to hate my parents for not telling me, however, knowing my Mom and Dad, they didn’t want me to worry until there was really something to be upset about.
Bad Like Me: Royal Bastards MC Ohio Chapter Page 6
