“Yeah, but I’ve never experienced freedom in the bedroom.” She hesitated and wouldn’t look at me. “I was always in my head, focusing on what the guy needed.”
I tapped her cheek with my fingertip, signaling for her eyes to meet mine. “You never thought about taking pleasure for yourself.” She shook her head. “You didn’t have to give me a blowjob, Hilary.”
“I wanted to,” she replied swiftly. “That’s what I’m saying. With you, I’m able to do the things I want without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.”
“Something wrong?” She shifted, and I sat up. “Did Graham hurt you?”
“No…” She trailed off. “He just wanted everything done properly. He was a bit obsessive about cleanliness and order. He didn’t think oral sex was proper behavior.”
“Please tell me you’re joking.” I blinked. “He never went down on you?”
“He didn’t want to.” My expression must’ve alarmed her. “But he didn’t expect me to do that to him either. We were very…polite.”
“You mean boring,” I corrected. “I should’ve known. The asshole has no personality.”
“Don’t be cruel.” I reviled her instinct to defend him. He wasn’t someone who was innocent by any means. “He was old-fashioned. Besides, he was better than the others.”
“Which makes me the best you’ve had then.” I grinned, adjusting to rest my head on her stomach. Her hands ran through my hair, her fingertips gentle. My joke hadn’t made her laugh. I swallowed the emotions that were brewing. Her attachment to Graham ran deep. Years of love shared between them would edge out good sex. I was the necessity to help her recuperate, and I’d be that for her, nothing more.
“My brother and I were chatting today.”
The subject change came quickly. “About?”
“He wants you to open in July so you can go to Atlanta with him,” she said.
I closed my eyes, my breathing shallow. “He does.” I tried to let myself relax against her touch.
“You don’t want to, though.” I let her comment hang in the air, but said nothing. “Zach?”
I looked at her for an uncomfortable amount of time. I wouldn’t disclose to her—or even to myself—that she was right. “I’ve got it covered.”
“But how?” she asked.
I slid up the bed then tugged down the covers so we could both get underneath them. “I’ve worked hard my whole life, Hil. It doesn’t scare me.”
“I didn’t say that, but don’t you want to just focus on the restaurant instead of hiring someone else to do it?”
“You’re so damn sweet.” I tugged her toward me, her warm skin smelling of honey. I kissed her shoulder, relishing sleeping next to her as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “No. I want to hire a restaurant manager and open another restaurant. Or at least make enough with this one to invest in others.”
“Seriously?” She snuggled into me, her head resting on my chest. “Such a daredevil.”
“Think it’s a bad idea?”
She shook her head. “I have faith in you, Zach. You make things happen. I see it even when nobody else does.” We stayed quiet as my hand caressed her skin. Hilary had always been perceptive, even as a kid. She knew when I needed a word of encouragement, or just to be seen.
“Zach?”
“Yeah?”
Her voice was coy. “Tell me about your parents.”
Chapter Seventeen
· hilary ·
Zach’s body tensed against me. I propped up on my side, still in the crook of his arm. I gazed at him. “I was little when you moved in. I didn’t understand until much later that something was wrong. Mom just said your parents weren’t good to you.”
He was quiet, staring at the ceiling, his cautious bearing made me want to comfort him. Mom said he buried the pain of his past, never fully speaking of his parents. He refused therapy, even though the first few years living with us had been difficult. Evan was the only one who knew about Zach’s childhood, and even then, it wasn’t much.
I finally spoke. “I know we’re only messing around right now, Zach, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I’d love for you to talk to me, but I don’t want you to feel pressured. I’m here for you, though.”
I snuggled against him, hugging him tightly and with affection. Something was stirring within me, something in my heart that I couldn’t understand, but I wouldn’t let it get out of control. Perhaps it was a vulnerable thing to admit that I cared, but he was—and would always be—family.
I was drifting off beside him when he exhaled and spoke. “My father was hardly ever around. He worked all the time and had multiple affairs. My mother was a raging drunk.”
I kissed his chest, wanting to soothe him, but I didn’t say anything. I’d let him communicate at his own pace.
“She only hit me once, but I’ll never forget. My ear rang for days.” I propped myself up to watch him as he continued. “Sometimes, when I was starving, I’d beg for food. Once, she threw a box of those dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at me and told me to figure out how to cook them myself.” He paused, his eyes watery. “I was four years old. I ate them frozen. My stomach hurt so much. Another time, it was a glass jar of peanut butter. It hit me on the head and cut me. I got four stitches. My housekeeper took me to the ER.”
He took my hand and led my finger to a scar on his scalp. My breath was thin as I tried to contain my tears. “Nobody ever called family members? Social Services?”
“Nah, there’s no other family we’re close to, and the staff my father tried hiring either quit on us or got fired by my mother. Hardly anyone could handle her. I kept waiting for my dad to ship me off to boarding school. Your house was my safe place, though. I saw this beautiful family and thought…I wish I had that. There were times I wished I was Evan.”
“We weren’t a perfect family,” I contradicted.
“Well, your dad left before I moved in, but when I visited, I saw affection, love, and appreciation, even from your dad. It wasn’t something I’d ever experienced in my life. How is it that we can sense what’s missing without having felt it before?”
“Our instincts want those things. It’s natural.” I rubbed his chest and remembered how dejected he was the first year with us. “Fear’s natural, too. Were you scared coming to live with us?”
He chuckled. “Are you kidding? Your mother taking me in was the best day of my life. It felt too good to be true.” He paused. “I was more frightened that it would all end. That, at any minute, my parents would change their minds and come back for me, or your mom would decide I was too much trouble and wouldn’t want me anymore.”
I gasped. “She’d never—”
“I know, but I was young, Hil. My mother constantly told me I was a worthless piece of shit who would end up like my father. I would grow to be a man, and all men were asshole scum of the earth who disappointed women. She threatened to throw me into foster care, although those promises were empty. I didn’t think my dad would allow her to give me away, but when your mom gained guardianship so easily, without hesitation, and they gave her money to care for me…”
He grew quiet.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” he whispered, exhaling, seeming to hold back tears. “I kept thinking they’d magically change, and that if I was good enough, they’d want me back. I thought if I did everything perfectly, I could get in their good graces, and earn points with your mom.”
“You never had to earn anything with us. You still don’t.”
His voice trembled. “You don’t understand…your family saved my life.”
I bit my lower lip, and tears rolled down my cheeks. “You don’t owe us anything, Zach.”
“Don’t cry, kid.” He cupped my face with his hands; the pads of his thumbs wiped my tears. I wanted to comfort him; instead, he took care of me.
I sniffled. “I’m not crying, you’re crying.”
He laughed, then grew serious
again as I rested my head on his chest. “I’d do anything for you guys.”
He would. Deep in my bones, I knew he would go to the ends of the earth to make us happy. “You haven’t seen your parents at all? Heard from them?”
He rested his chin against my hair. “No. I don’t care to either.”
“And you won’t touch the money that belongs to you,” I said.
“Not one cent.”
“But…maybe just a little?” I teased. “Like if you wanna buy something really cool, say, a mansion on Lake Austin?”
His chest rumbled against me. “I got a full scholarship for school and worked my way to where I am. I don’t make a hell of a lot, but I’m comfortable. I don’t need the luxuries. Besides, Evan shares with me, and that’s enough.”
“And you don’t miss working as a financial advisor? An investor?”
“Sometimes, but Evan needs me,” he said. He was so emotionally sound and strong, yet did he truly feel it inside?
“We love you,” I said. His breath caught in his chest as I peered up at him. “Mom, Katie, James, Jonah, Evan…we all love you, Zach. We’ll always be family.”
He gazed at me with that longing look, those emerald eyes powerful. I hated the heartache and shame he’d gone through in his childhood. There was no way he could believe those things his mother told him. He was fully capable of loving and worth being loved. From the moment I’d met him, he was someone extraordinary to me. My heart skipped a beat, and the last words I’d spoken raced through my mind. We’ll always be family.
What were we doing?
EIGHT EXCRUCIATING DAYS had gone by since Zach shared his past with me. It had also been that long since I was wrapped up in his body. He was busy with the restaurant, most nights coming home long after I’d fallen asleep. It was my hope that in the mornings he’d be alongside me, holding me in a way that seemed effortless. In the few times we’d shared a bed, I’d gotten used to having him there. Perhaps it was all the years of family life. He was confident with me, caring. But he’d been missing from my life for over a week now, and I missed him.
My days were filled with interviews, paperwork, and tasks for Grace. My spare time was dedicated to taking photos. I was getting acquainted with my new camera, and I promised myself I’d get out and explore the city. I made arrangements with Ben to take his photo and do a short interview. The film had finished shooting, and he would be leaving for Los Angeles after the wrap party. I needed to utilize the short amount of time he had left.
“It’s a good thing you know some makeup tips for guys,” I told Renee. I had called for her help, asking if she was willing to assist me. She gladly obliged. “How did you start?”
“I watched a lot of YouTube tutorials. My sister asked me to apply her makeup for her wedding. I started doing freelance jobs here and there. It’s not a full-time gig, but it’s fun when I’m referred.” She wandered into the living room. Though her petite frame didn’t fill the space, her optimism and sweet demeanor were larger than life.
I’d decorated the house with art books and a few antique pieces Grace let me borrow for the shoot. It brought warmth to the interior. In the corner, I set up a screen, a stool, and lights. My equipment was finally coming together. Zach hadn’t protested me taking over his space, but he was hardly around anyway.
“So, what are the photos for we’re taking today? Headshots?” She grabbed one of the art books and flipped through the pages as I set up a tripod for my camera.
“Some candid shots, a few portrait styles. I’m getting my portfolio together. I want to take some photos of my brother and his friends before they leave.” I checked the memory card on the camera.
“Where are they going?” Renee put the book down and walked to a bookshelf that housed knickknacks.
I had yet to tell her whom I was related to, but we’d known each other long enough now where I could confide in her. I wouldn’t have invited her to help me if I didn’t trust her. “My brother’s an actor, and his friends are, too. They’re all taking different jobs around the country.”
“Cool,” Renee said simply. Austin was a city full of aspiring artists. It didn’t surprise me that she would assume they were struggling actors. “Has your brother been in anything I might’ve seen?”
I smiled and approached her, grabbing her hand in mine, patting it gently. “You know, I’m sure he has.” Her electric blue eyes questioned me. “You have to promise not to freak out, Renee.”
“Okay…” Her voice trailed. “Why?”
“My brother is Evan Matthews.”
Renee laughed, tugging her hand out of mine. “Oh, I get it… Your last name’s Matthews, his is Matthews. Very funny. This is because I told you about that whole Ending Series movie they’re filming here.”
I didn’t laugh, only waited for her to stop. “Renee, I’m not joking. Evan’s my older brother. In a few moments, his co-star, Ben Taylor, will be strolling through that door to let me take his photo.” Renee halted, her large eyes widening like saucers. “I need to know you’ll be cool with him and not freak out.”
Her mouth opened, and a small squeak escaped. She snapped her mouth shut and looked like she was in deep thought. “Let me get this straight,” she began. “Evan Matthews is your brother, for the reals.” I nodded. “You didn’t tell me about this until two minutes before Ben freaking Taylor is set to arrive, and I’m going to be putting makeup on his face?”
“Hope you don’t mind.” I shrugged.
“And you’re not joking with me? You’re not being mean?”
“I promise you every bit is true.”
She exhaled and groaned. “Thanks a lot for the warning.” My eyebrows lifted, her response unexpected. “I would’ve at least fixed myself up a bit more.”
She wore a plain white tank top that showed off the straps of her bright pink bra. Tons of necklaces hung from the base of her neck down her chest. She wore rings practically on every finger and bracelets covered her wrists. Her dark, sleek hair brought out her bright eyes. Jeans and a pair of Doc Marten’s finished her look.
“You look badass,” I said. “Besides, it’s just Ben.”
“Easy for you to say,” she grumbled under her breath. She strolled over to her makeup kit and opened it up. “Let’s see if I have Ben Taylor’s skin tone, and more importantly, I need more makeup on myself.”
“No, you don’t,” I said as she peered into her mirror. “Don’t cover your freckles either.”
She scoffed. “I like my freckles.”
“Good.” I chuckled. “By the way, the cast party is Friday night. You can come if you’d like.”
“Shut the front door!” she yelled. “Are you serious? Seriously?”
“Seriously.” Her hand rested on her hip as she studied me, her eyes narrowing in. “What?”
“Are you dating Ben?”
“No,” I answered too quickly. Her gaze was skeptical. “I mean, we went on a date, but the chemistry wasn’t there…”
“But you like him?”
“He’s nice,” I said tentatively.
She grinned, nodding. “Okay, then who is he? I know you’re with someone.”
“What?” Heat flooded my face. “How do you know?”
“Because last time we hung out, you were sort of like Debbie Downer. Now, you’re like…Debbie Upper?” We both laughed. “So, who is he?”
I faltered before spitting out. “My brother’s best friend.” As if a floodgate unsealed, I poured out everything. I told her about growing up with Zach and how we’d been together last year before Thanksgiving and how we were living together now. I talked rapidly, every now and then peering out the window, checking for Ben’s appearance.
Renee sat down on the barstool, her eyes never leaving mine. “Shit, girl. You’re in some deep trouble.”
I closed my eyes and pitched back a moan. “I know. I mean, I’m getting over my ex. Zach’s my fuck buddy.”
She scoffed. “This isn’t fuck buddies, girlfriend.�
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I rested my head in my hand. “Zach said that. What would you call it?”
“Boyfriend and girlfriend?”
“No.” I shook my head obstinately. “No, we’re casual.”
Her expression was one of pity, though she tried to hide it. “It sounds more complicated than casual.”
“But I can date who I want when I want. Same with him.”
Renee still gazed at me, doubtingly. “You’ve discussed that with him?”
I looked down at my hands. “No, but it’s fairly assumed this isn’t going to last.”
The doorbell chimed, and Renee’s body straightened. “Shit, that’s him,” she whispered. “Ohmygod, Ohmygod, okay.” She took in a gulp of air and exhaled. “Look, I’ll act totally nonchalant, but I’ll have you know that inside I’m dying. And this is all your fault.”
I laughed, her fangirling attitude cheering me up. “Want a date with him? I could so make that happen.”
“Shut. Up.” She swore under her breath, fixing her hair in the mirror. “Don’t joke about that stuff.”
I walked toward the door, peering back at her. “No joke, Renee. Leave it to me, I’ll make you look good.”
“Counting on it.” She exhaled and nodded, signaling for me to open the door.
Chapter Eighteen
· zach ·
The week from hell was almost over. Renovations had taken a turn, and I was in the middle of permit hell. My civil engineer was older than Willie Nelson, and with things speeding up, I had to let him go and hire a new one. Problems were bound to happen, and it never put me in a good mood. The pressure to open early was hitting me hard. On top of the never-ending work for Evan, I was searching for a restaurant manager that fit my standards. I was drained, and it kept me from the person I wanted to be with the most.
That didn’t stop me from imagining that I was with Hilary. I had to hold back from texting and calling just to check in with her. I wanted the sound of her voice—if only for a moment—to get me through each day. We weren’t in a relationship, though, and that line of thinking would get me in emotional trouble.
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