by Louisa Line
Steve: Morning beautiful. I hope you slept well?
I almost want to tell him just how well I slept when I imagined his arms wrapped around me, but I don’t want to scare him off too early.
Me: Better than I have in a while. How about you?
Steve: Would have been better if you had been here with me.
The smile drops from my face with the realisation that this will never happen. We can never be a normal couple and I will never be able to be with him. Why did I ever think this would work? I guess I just got carried away, caught up in the romance. I can’t do this to myself or him, it’s not fair on either of us. I fight the tears threatening to fall as I type my reply.
Me: I can’t do this.
Steve: Hey, we have been through this. Talk to me. Don’t shut me out.
How am I meant to reply to this without sounding crazy? With no answer, I don’t. I simply just get out of bed and walk away from my phone.
Time passes and I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring my phone as I sit at my window staring out into the world. I can’t tell you what I have been looking at as through the rain splatters across the window and the tears streaming down my face, I honestly don’t know. I know he deserves the truth as to why I’m walking away, but how do you tell someone that you are scared, that you may never be able to meet, let alone have any type of relationship. I softly laugh to myself when I think back to just a few hours ago when I woke up so happy and excited for what this new day could bring and now just a few hours later it has all turned to dust, destroyed by my weaknesses. I’ve been listening to my phone beep away to itself from the other room and wish I had put it on silent before I left it as each sound breaks another piece of my already shattered heart.
I decide I need to distract myself so set up the new laptop I have been given by work. Once that’s done I start working through the emails I’m behind on and, before I know it, it’s lunchtime. I stop and listen and realise that the pings and beeps from the other room have stopped. I let out a sigh of relief and go to the kitchen to find something to eat. On the way back to the living room I find myself detouring to the bedroom and to the bed where my phone is sat. It’s all dark and quiet so I know I haven’t had any recent messages but I’m curious to see what I do have. When I bring the phone to life I am amazed at the sheer volume of messages I have received, but there is one that sticks out from all the rest. It simply reads ‘I won’t give up on you.’ It’s the last message and is time stamped at just over an hour ago. I put my phone back down deleting the messages and walk away knowing that if I don’t do it now I might not have the strength to do it later. I allow one single tear to fall before I brush it away and go back into the living room. I have taken the sandwich with me but have lost my appetite so discard it on the table by the door. It’s then I notice a small slip of paper poking out of the letter box. It looks like the type of small card you get from flower deliveries. Curious, I pick it up and turn it over so I can see what’s written on the other side.
I’m not prepared to walk away,
I think we can have something great if you just allow yourself to get out of your own head.
I’ll give you some space but don’t think I am giving up.
I’ve left you a little something outside in the hope that when you use it you will think of me.
I go back to the door and look through the peep hole. The entire corridor is empty and I can’t see anything so I gingerly open the door and look down to the floor where there is a single red rose lying in a beautiful box. It is the object next to the rose that has me smiling through the tears that have started falling. I pick up the pack of sugar and then the rose and walk back into the flat, locking the door as I go. I so desperately want to contact him, but it doesn’t really change anything. I know I can never have a proper relationship with him and that isn’t fair on either of us.
I’ve done a pretty good job of distracting myself for most of the day, but as darkness falls, I make my way into the bedroom totally exhausted by the willpower involved in not picking up the phone and texting him. As I make my way into the bedroom my phone beeps and lights up indicating a new message. I walk over to the bed with butterflies the size of boulders taking flight in my stomach as I know if it’s from him there is no way I can ignore it. I pick up the phone gingerly and instantly feel deflated, when I realise the text isn’t from Steve. I can feel the tears beginning to build behind my eyes as I look down at the text from Claire. Which surprises me as she never texts.
Claire: Sorry I didn’t call tonight, still not feeling well, think a trip to the doctors might be in order if it doesn’t stop soon. Anyway, cheer me up, how were the baked goods?
I never realised I could laugh and cry at the same time. Smiling through my tears I send Claire a text back.
Me: I put salt in instead of sugar!
Claire: LOL! So there I was thinking that you liked this guy and all along you’re trying to poison him. What happened?
Me: He spat them out and we got talking, but it’s never going to work.
Claire: What? Hold up! I’m calling you!
Within seconds my phone starts to ring and I know that I’m in for a lecture.
“What do you mean it’s not going to work?” Claire virtually screams down the line.
“Hi to you too,” I reply, sarcastically.
“Don’t ‘hi’ me! What’s going on?” It’s then I notice the quiver in her voice and begin to wonder how ill she really is, I’ve never heard her sound like this before.
“Claire? Are you OK?”
“Don’t change the subject. Spill!”
I know by now that trying to argue with her is pointless, so I go through the last couple of days and by the time I’m done I can hear that we are both crying.
“So how do I do it? It’s not like we can ever have a proper relationship, it just can’t work.”
“This isn’t you Jess. Wait, hold on, I’ll be right back.”
I hear the phone drop and then in the distance can hear retching followed by the flushing of the toilet before the line is picked up again.
“Jess, when are you going to realise that you deserve to be happy. This man wants to see what happens. He’s not asking for forever; just have some fun with him.”
“That’s my point Claire, what fun can I have? I can’t even see him face to face. Anyway, enough of my problems. What was that noise just then?”
“I’ve told you I’ve not been feeling well. I must have a bug or something. Now, don’t change the subject. When are you going to allow yourself to be happy again?”
“I am happy, or as happy as I can be. You know what I’m going through, what I’ve gone through, it’s not that easy.” I can hear my voice raising as my temper flares. It’s not the first time I’ve had a discussion like this with Claire and at times like these I feel like she doesn’t really get me at all. “You heard what he said, he wished I had been with him. I CAN’T DO THAT!”
“No, you can’t do that, but does that mean you ignore him? I know full well you can talk on the phone, send a text, that’s all he is after so far. I think you are giving up too easily. Do you really want to sit in the window and pretend forever?”
“YOU KNOW I DON’T!” I all but scream down the phone. The tears start again, but I’m confused as to whether they are angry or sad tears.
“Then start to fight back! Only you can change your mind! Anyway, I’ve got to go.” With that, she hangs up. I can’t remember the last time Claire had hung up on me. In fact, I don’t think she has ever hung up on me. Tears that I am fairly sure are from despair and longing burn the back of my eyes before I have no other choice than to let them flow. I curl up on the bed and just cry. I hate fighting with Claire but I hate the fact that I know she is right even more. It’s not as if I haven’t heard it a million times over the last year.
I must have drifted off to sleep once I cried myself dry, as I wake up some time later to a pitch-black room. My eyes are sore and I
am suddenly hit with a flash back of earlier that evening and my fight with Claire. I rub my eyes before grabbing my phone and checking to see if she has messaged, but there is nothing. This is when I know I have really screwed up. Claire is always the first to make contact if we fall out. I sit up and think about what I should say to her and settle with a simple ‘I’m sorry.’
I go to the bathroom and splash water on my face to try and get rid of the soreness from all my crying. Lifting my head up and looking in the mirror at myself, I have to admit I am disappointed with who I see staring back at me. I’ve got red puffy eyes and my hair is lank and in need of a good brush. My eyes have lost their sparkle and I basically look washed out. But what scares me even more than that is that I can see what Claire has been getting at. Looking back at me is the reflection of someone who has given up. I don’t want to be that girl and although I know that I have said it before, this time I have a reason to fight, well at least I hope I do. I guess there is only one way to find out. I go back into the bedroom and find my phone. Looking at the screen I see it is a little after midnight but I know that if I don’t do what I need to do now I may never have the nerve to do it. So, I write out a message to Steve.
Me: Thank you. And I’m sorry for earlier. I guess it’s easier to hide and I’ve been hiding for a long time now. X
Before I talk myself out of it, I send the message and place the phone down on the bedside table, hoping he will reply and I’ve not blown it. Then I busy myself getting ready for bed. I’m just brushing my teeth when I hear a beep from the other room. I hurry through the rest of my bathroom routine. The butterflies are back in my stomach as I rush to the bedside table hoping it’s from Steve, but it’s not.
Claire: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have hung up on you. I’m just really not myself at the moment with this bug. Forgive me?
Me: There is nothing to forgive. You are so right. Can you forgive me?
Claire: Already forgiven and forgotten.
Once again I find myself thinking how lucky I am to have a friend like Claire and as I do, I realise how selfish I have been. I haven’t even asked her how she is.
Me: How are you feeling now?
Claire: Better now we have made up. You?
Me: Same. But promise me you will go to the doctor if you’re not feeling better in a couple of days.
Claire: Don’t worry I will. Going to try to get some sleep now. Night hun x
Me: Night.
I place my mobile back on the night stand and see that the battery is nearly flat. My charger is in the living room so I make my way through the darkened flat to locate it in the socket next to my laptop. As I am wandering back to the bedroom I hear the beep from my phone and smile as I think to myself that Claire must have remembered something else to tell me. She can be a little ditzy like that sometimes, we both can. I smile and walk over to the table and lift up the phone. It’s then I see that the message isn’t from Claire at all and my heart rate starts to quicken. I hover my finger over the message not sure if I want to read it or not. What if he didn’t mean what he said about waiting. I guess there is only one way to find out. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I push down on the screen to reveal the new message from Steve.
Steve: You’re welcome.
Really, that’s all it said. He has only responded to me saying “Thank you.” I have to admit I was feeling a little let down. Maybe I had really blown it. I guess there was only one way to find out. I could text him again! For some reason I felt a renewed confidence within me as I find his number in my phone and hovered over the call button. Taking one more deep breath I closed my eyes and push my finger down onto the screen. It starts to ring instantly and I find myself closing my eyes and holding my breath. It rings only two times before the line connects and I’m greeted by the same voice that instantly calms me and sets my heart racing all at the same time.
“Jessica?” I can hear the confusion in his voice and instantly wonder if I have done the right thing. Before I have a chance to change my mind I blurt out the first thing that comes into my head.
“I’m sorry,” I pause for breath but must have taken longer than I thought as Steve cuts in.
“Please Jessica, don’t hang up. It’s so good to hear your voice. I’m been wondering all day what I did wrong and…” I don’t let him finish. I can’t let him finish since he hadn’t done anything, this was me. All me.
“You didn’t,” I whisper down the line, “It was me.” Steve starts to interrupt, but I stop him. “Please let me finish before I lose my nerve.” I pause before I continue.
“I panicked. You talked about wanting me there and I freaked out. I mean, what if I can never do that. I’ve not left my flat in over a year and you deserve so much more.”
“What if I don’t want more? What if what I want is what we had?” I think my heart actually skipped a beat, could this man really be for real? It’s then reality hits as I register the word ‘had.’
“I have to confess something Jessica.” Oh no, here we go. I felt my heart rate pick up and that familiar panic start to build in the pit of my stomach
“I didn’t tell you the truth the other day when I said I didn’t know what you looked like. I saw you that first day through the window and I knew I had to get to know you. You are a stunning person, Jessica, inside and out. Then when I heard what you had gone through I knew I had to get to know you properly. So please, please, let us see where this goes. Even when I’m not with you I find myself thinking about you. I’ve even been researching your condition. You don’t have to do this alone, Jessica. Let me in and I don’t mean in your house, I mean in your heart. Give whatever this can be a chance. Give me a chance.”
The line is silent for far too long and I realise he is waiting for me to say something. But how do I follow that? How do I follow any of that?
“Yes.” It’s quiet, but it comes out. I sit myself down on the bed and speak a little louder this time. “Yes, I want to give it a chance. It’s not going to be easy, but I want to try.” I can hear the release of breath from the other end of the line and realise that Steve must have been holding his. “I have to ask, though, how is this going to work if I can’t even let you in the flat or go out of it?”
“We will deal with it,” Steve replies with such conviction that I can’t help but believe him, “Just think of it as a long-distance relationship or internet dating.” With that, I smile, he really has been thinking about this.
“Steve?”
“Yes, beautiful,” I smile at his term of affection, because I know this is something I could get used to.
“Thank you!”
“No Jessica, thank you. I know this can’t be easy for you. But I have a good feeling about this.”
It’s then I realised that I did too. For the first time in over a year I was putting my life back on track and it felt good. Do I know if this will work? No. But one thing I know for sure is that this is the first time in a long time I felt something stronger than fear. I felt hope. Hope you get when you embark on a new relationship and hope that I am finally turning my life around.
“Beautiful?” Steve drags me out of my thoughts as I realise that the line had been quiet for an awfully long time.
“Sorry, I was miles away,” I reply
“Somewhere nice I hope?” This makes me smile. If only he knew!
“Very,” I respond not hiding the smile in my voice.
“Good, now get some sleep. Can I text you tomorrow?”
I’m not sure I would be getting much sleep tonight as I am feeling an overwhelming mixture of emotions, but I say goodnight and agree to the text the following day. I lay myself down on the bed and close my eyes and even though I don’t think I will be able to sleep. I am out like a light.
Sunday 4th June
My hand is on the handle of the door, but rather than the sudden fear I normally get, all I feel is excitement. I look down at the new dress I am wearing and wonder where I got it from. It’s short, bu
t flowy, stopping mid-thigh. It’s an aqua green that I know makes my eyes pop and I can’t wait to see what Steve thinks of me in it. Just as I’m about to open the door, the buzzer to the intercom sounds so I push the button to see who it is.
“Hi beautiful, you ready?”
I look down and realise that I haven’t put my shoes on yet.
“Nearly. Come on up. The doors open.” I walk away from the door to locate my heels that I know will go great with this dress. As I’m slipping the shoes on I hear the door open and my heart rate picks up just as I hear a wolf-whistle from behind me.
“Wow!” I hear as I feel hands grab my hips and spin me around. Before I have time to respond, my mouth is captured in a kiss that I can only describe as mind blowing. The kiss is far too short for my liking, but soon I am being held at arm’s length like I am being appraised by wandering eyes that spend far too long looking at my legs.
“You like?” I ask in as sexy a voice as I can manage. My reply comes in the form of a growl as I am pushed up against the wall. His hands wander over my body from my hips up to my breasts and then finally down between my legs. His mouth finds mine once more and I am lost in a haze of want and need. We are briefly disturbed by the sound of a phone ringing, which I desperately try to ignore.
It’s then my mind starts to clear until I am fully awake. I feel frustrated as the dream dissolves and reality kicks in. The ringing that interrupted my dream is still going on so I grab for my phone and answer without really looking to see who it is.
“Yes?”
“Have you been mis-sold PPI?” the annoying recorded message doesn’t have time to finish as I end the call and throw my phone down on the bed. Now feeling a little annoyed and a lot frustrated, I get up and make my way to the bathroom to take a shower. As I go to move, my phone vibrates indicating an incoming message. I pick it up and my annoyance is instantly forgotten as I see that it’s from Steve.
