by Susannah Nix
“I don’t know.” Jonathan didn’t turn around to look.
“Holy shit,” Esther said when she realized where she recognized the guy from. There was a photo of him in the lobby at work, along with his parents and his sister. These must be the friends Lacey was talking about who worked for an aerospace company. Only, the guy didn’t so much work for the company as own it. Or his family did, anyway.
“What?” Jonathan said.
“Her date is Jeremy Sauer.”
Jonathan frowned and glanced behind him. “That’s Lacey’s ex.”
Esther’s eyes widened. Lacey’s ex currently had his hand on this Melody chick’s ass. “Lacey dated Jeremy Sauer?”
Jonathan turned back to Esther, still frowning. “How do you know him?”
“The company I work for? Sauer Hewson? He’s one of those Sauers.”
“Fantastic.” Jonathan took another swig of beer.
“Hey, if you’re going to be passed over, at least it was for a gorgeous billionaire, right?”
He gave her a sour look. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“Yes. He was on some list of the country’s most eligible bachelors. Who can compete with that?”
Jonathan’s scowl deepened. “Clearly not me.”
Esther hooked her arm through his. “Hey, you’re a pretty good catch too.”
She meant it. He was excellent boyfriend material—insomuch as she was qualified to determine such things. Considerate, easy to talk to, sweet. Some woman was going to be lucky to have him.
The thought made her sad. One day he’d find a girlfriend who appreciated him, and he wouldn’t need her. He wouldn’t drop by her apartment to hang out anymore, because you couldn’t do that sort of thing when you had a girlfriend. They’d go back to being just neighbors who said hello when they saw each other in the laundry room. She already missed him just thinking about it. She didn’t want to lose him.
Her eyes found his, and her stomach did a little drop. She let go of his arm. “Maybe not Jeremy Sauer good,” she said, trying to sound light.
Jonathan didn’t smile. “Awesome.” He took another swig of beer.
Esther felt out of her depth. Like she was doing everything wrong. “Do you want to leave?”
His gaze dropped to his shoes, and he shook his head. “It was one date. It doesn’t matter.”
It seemed like it did though. “You sure?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.” He forced a smile.
She’d made the offer and he’d rejected it. Unless she wanted to drag him out of here against his will, she’d have to take him at his word. “Good,” she said, “because I’m having a good time.” It surprised her how much she meant it.
“Are you?”
She shrugged. “You have cool friends. Who’d have thought?”
His mouth curved a little. “I told you.”
“You did.”
His smile made it all the way to his eyes. “I’m glad you came.”
She smiled back at him. “I’m glad you asked me.”
Something shifted in his expression and the moment stretched out, growing heavy. It made Esther feel unstable. Her hand twitched at her side, looking for something to grab onto for support, but there was nothing within reach except Jonathan. She couldn’t grab onto him, because he was the one upsetting her equilibrium.
“I need another beer,” he said, looking away. “You need anything?”
“I’ll come with you,” she said and followed him into the kitchen.
Jonathan was an excellent date. He stuck close by Esther the whole night, introducing her to people, including her in conversations, fetching her drinks. Showing her off. He loved to tell people she was a rocket scientist. It was one of the first things out of his mouth when he introduced her to someone new.
She’d never seen him around his friends before. He smiled a lot more and seemed easier in his own skin. It was as if he’d reverted to a younger version of himself that was more carefree. Less self-conscious.
Until Lacey towed Jeremy Sauer and his girlfriend over to meet them.
“Johnny’s friend Esther works for your company,” Lacey said to Jeremy. “Small world, huh?”
“Hi, Jonathan,” Melody said, her eyes flicking to his face with the barest trace of unease. “How’ve you been?”
He nodded a greeting without quite meeting her gaze. “I’ve been good. Great, actually.”
Esther recognized the same flat affect he had used with Jinny at the pool last weekend. Relaxed, smiley Jonathan had disappeared, replaced by the Jonathan she remembered from before she got to know him. The one who looked disapproving and grimaced instead of smiled.
All that time she’d spent thinking he was an arrogant ass, when he was just suffering from insecurity and social anxiety. The realization made her feel protective. She wanted to wrap him up and whisk him away somewhere he could be himself. Somewhere he’d smile again.
“I forgot, I fixed you guys up on that date!” Lacey said, grinning with delight. “Funny.”
Esther couldn’t decide whether she’d actually forgotten or was messing with them. She seemed to be enjoying herself an awful lot.
“Yeah,” Jonathan agreed, giving Lacey a wry look. “Funny.”
Jeremy Sauer’s eyebrows lifted slightly, and Melody glanced down at her shoes.
“Welp, I’ve got some more guests to greet,” Lacey announced, leaving them to fend for themselves.
Definitely messing with them, Esther decided.
Jeremy turned to her, beaming a smile dazzling enough to melt permafrost. “Nice to meet you. I’m Jeremy, and this is Melody.”
Esther met his smile with one of her own, determined to ignore the fissures of tension around them. Jonathan had dutifully propped her up all evening. Now it was her turn to step up and repay the favor.
“Lacey says you’re an aerospace engineer,” Melody said, throwing her hat in the this is fine ring.
Esther nodded. “I work at the El Segundo campus.”
Jeremy asked which project she worked on, and was familiar enough with it to identify the telecom customer they were developing it for. Esther learned that he and Melody both worked at corporate in Glendale. Melody was a software developer, and Jeremy worked under the CFO—the same CFO who had recently married his mother. The Sauers really did like to keep the business in the family.
As they talked, Esther could feel Jonathan shrinking beside her. He’d shuffled back a half step and retreated into a glum silence.
“Did you guys meet at work?” Esther asked, trying to keep the conversation going.
Melody and Jeremy regaled them with an overly-detailed story about hooking up four years ago and then reconnecting when she came to work at Sauer Hewson, doing that nauseating couple thing where they finished each other’s sentences. The longer it went on, the more Jonathan edged behind Esther, pressing his body against hers like he was seeking shelter. As Melody and Jeremy smiled blissfully into one another’s eyes over a shared joke, Esther reached behind her back for Jonathan’s hand and tangled their fingers together. He clutched it gratefully, shifting toward her a little more.
“How about you two?” Melody asked when they’d concluded the narrative of their lengthy courtship. “How long have you been together?”
Esther felt Jonathan go rigid, and he dropped her hand like it was on fire.
“Actually—” he started.
“Only a few weeks,” Esther finished for him. She wrapped her arms around his waist, snuggling into his side like an affectionate girlfriend.
Jonathan looked down at her in surprise, and she lifted her eyebrows, daring him to contradict her.
“Um, yeah.” He turned back to Melody and Jeremy, hugging Esther’s shoulder with his arm. “We’re neighbors. She lives in the apartment next door.”
“That’s so cute!” Melody said. “It’s like a movie.”
“It is,” Esther agreed, giving Jonathan a little squeeze. His scent filled her se
nses, making her feel lightheaded. “Just like a movie.”
“How’s your writing going?” Melody asked Jonathan.
He cleared his throat. “It’s going okay, I guess.” His hand spread out across Esther’s shoulder blade, his fingertips stroking bare skin on the back of her neck.
“He’s being modest,” Esther said, trying not to shiver. She launched into an enthusiastic description of his sci-fi screenplay, waiting for him to pipe up and take the baton from her. Instead, he just watched her, listening with a bemused look on his face.
After a few more minutes of polite chat, during which Jonathan barely spoke or took his eyes off Esther, Jeremy and Melody excused themselves to greet a newly-arrived friend.
“Thank you,” Jonathan said into Esther’s ear as they moved off. “You didn’t have to do that.”
She gazed up at him, feeling that swell of protectiveness again. His hair had gotten fluffy on top, and she reached up to smooth it down. “That’s what friends are for.”
He blinked at her, something uncertain stirring in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could they were interrupted.
“Jonathan!” a guy in a green baseball cap said, clapping him on the back. “How’s it going, man?”
Jonathan pivoted to greet him, leaving Esther to wonder what he’d been about to say.
Two hours later, Esther was deep in a conversation with one of Kelsey’s actor friends. He’d done small parts in a few movies she’d seen, and a short arc on a network drama series. He had a lot of good Hollywood gossip to share: which actors were assholes, who was sleeping with who, that sort of thing.
The guy seemed nice, but she wished she was talking to Jonathan instead. They’d only split up when she’d ventured off on her own to check out the food spread, and gotten sucked into conversation with the actor over the crudités.
Jonathan was on the other side of the room talking to some college friends. But while he was talking to his friends, he was watching Esther. Checking on her. Every time she looked over at him, his eyes were on her. It made her feel nervous, but in a good way. A fluttery, excited, breathless kind of way.
“Do you need a drink?” the actor asked her. She couldn’t remember his name. Something with a B, maybe.
“No, I’m good.” She felt the exact right amount of relaxed. One more drink and she’d start to feel too loopy. Out of control. She didn’t like feeling out of control.
The actor—Bryan? Brandon?—started telling her about a famous movie star he’d worked with who had a drug problem. He didn’t want to say the guy’s name. He wanted her to guess. Esther didn’t feel like guessing, but she played along.
Jonathan was watching her again. When he caught her eye this time he lifted his chin, and her stomach did an unexpected barrel roll.
“Excuse me,” she said to the actor. “I’ve got to go talk to my friend.” She made her way over to Jonathan. “Hey.”
He turned his back on the people he’d been talking to. “Hey.” His eyes had gone dark beneath his heavy lashes.
Something fluttered in her chest. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your conversation.”
“You didn’t.”
“Okay.” They were standing close. It had gotten crowded in the living room, and they were practically chest to chest.
He leaned even closer to speak into her ear. “Are you still having a good time?” The warmth of his breath on her cheek sent goose bumps down her arms.
“I am.” Her heart felt like a balloon that had been filled beyond capacity. In danger of popping at any second. “Are you?”
He shrugged.
The nearness of him was fogging her brain. He hadn’t smoked all night, and he still had that intoxicating piney smell. Maybe it wasn’t pine, maybe it was cedar. Whatever it was, she liked it. Had he always smelled this good beneath the cigarette smoke?
Heat prickled at the back of her neck. The room was starting to feel claustrophobic. “Do you want to get out of here?” she asked, hoping he’d say yes.
Jonathan gazed at her, taking his time before he answered. The space between them seemed to crackle with potential energy. “Do you want to get out of here?”
“Yes.” She swallowed. Her mouth had gone dry. “I do.”
A slow smile spread across his face, and he reached for her hand. “Come on.”
Chapter Nineteen
They lapsed into silence on the drive home. The air in the car felt like it was full of static, like it would shock her if she breached the invisible barrier between them.
She kept casting furtive looks at him. He was kicked way back in his seat to make space for his long arms and legs, with his right hand resting on top of the steering wheel. Every once in a while he’d glance over at her, and the way his eyes glittered made her stomach feel tight.
His car smelled like coffee. It was newish. A luxury sedan with a sunroof and leather seats. She assumed his parents had given it to him—one of their hand-me-downs, maybe. The back seat was littered with discarded cardboard coffee cups from a cafe in Westwood where he went to write during the day when he wasn’t in class.
Esther had the urge to open his glove box, just to see what was in there. Moleskine notebooks and Pilot pens, probably. She wanted to dig one of his notebooks out of the glove box and flip through the pages, soaking up all his stray thoughts and absentminded doodles. She wanted to peel away his layers like an onion, digging deep into the substratum to the foundation underneath. She wanted a peek at his most secret, innermost desires. The ones he kept locked away in his heart.
Instead of indulging her desire to snoop, she kept her hands folded primly in her lap and crossed her legs at the ankles to stop them from jiggling. Why was she so nervous? She wasn’t sure what she thought was going to happen. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted to happen. The warmth pooling in the pit of her stomach wanted one thing, but her brain was telling her something else.
This shouldn’t happen. She had a clear sense of the right and wrong of the situation. Seducing your best friend’s ex was wrong. End of story.
Esther uncrossed her legs and turned her face to the side window for the rest of the drive home.
Ten minutes later, he pulled into his assigned parking space between her Prius and a white metal pole covered with scuff marks. He came around to open her door for her and followed her upstairs with his hands in his pockets, jingling his keys as he walked.
They slowed to a stop in front of his apartment door, and she shifted nervously as he turned to face her. She wasn’t ready for the evening to end yet, but she was scared of what might happen next.
“Thank you for tonight,” she said to fill the loaded silence. She was having trouble meeting his eyes. Now that they’d been freed from the confines of the car, she’d lost the urge to peer into his psyche. She was too afraid of what she might find there. Afraid she might not be able to resist it.
He shifted closer. “Did you really have fun?” He was looming over her, crowding her a little. She shouldn’t like it, but she did.
Instead of moving away, she moved closer. She couldn’t help herself. He was warm, and he smelled nice. The scent reminded her of a library in an old house. Not like a real library—those smelled like paper dust. He smelled the way she’d imagined old libraries should smell when she was kid. Full of secrets and magic, like the wardrobe in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. She wanted to bury her face in his scent. Crawl inside the wardrobe and see what adventures lay ahead.
“I did.” She let herself look into his eyes. They were bright and inviting. Brimming with promise. “I really did.”
“You sound surprised.”
“I am. I didn’t think I could have fun at a party where I didn’t know anyone.”
“You know me.”
“That’s true,” she said, still gazing into his eyes. “I do know you.” He had amazing eyelashes. Long and thick. Any woman would sell her soul for eyelashes like that.
“Do you want to come insi
de?” he asked.
Yes. She wanted that. She wanted him. Every atom in her body was vibrating with it.
“What’s inside?” she asked, trying to play coy. Stalling for time. Her brain was fizzing in her ears, like her head was full of Pop Rocks.
“Me.” He wasn’t playing coy. He was staring at her mouth.
She stared back. She couldn’t tear her eyes away. His mouth moved closer.
When their lips met, the fizzing in her brain got even louder. He tasted malty, like the beer he’d been drinking. His beard felt rough, but his lips were velvety soft. Gentle as a whisper.
She wasn’t prepared for it to feel so good. Usually, when she kissed someone it was fine. Not unpleasant, but not all that exciting either. Usually, it was easy for her to stop kissing someone.
Kissing Jonathan wasn’t like that. It was magnetic. Addictive. It made her want to kiss him even more. It made her want to kiss him a lot more, like a junkie itching for another hit.
Her hands curled into the front of his shirt as his palms spread out over the small of her back. His fingers were so long, they almost spanned her whole waist.
She pressed her mouth against his harder, aching for more. Nipping at his lower lip. Chasing his tongue with hers. His arms tightened around her, pulling her flush against his hips, and she moaned with pleasure. One of his hands curled into her hair, holding the back of her neck, sending shivers skittering down her spine.
Pornographic images flashed through her mind. Her mouth on his skin: teasing, taunting, tasting. His long fingers sliding into her. Sweaty, trembling limbs and labored breaths.
Her hands found their way to his hair. She relished the sensation as her fingers sank into the silky locks. It felt even better than she’d imagined. Everything felt better than she’d imagined.
He pressed his forehead against hers, still holding her flush against him. They were sharing the same air. Their bodies touching from tip to toe. She could feel how badly he wanted her, and she wanted him just as much. Maybe more.
He fished his keys out of his pocket and let go of her long enough to unlock the door. She followed willingly when he tugged her inside, his eyes locked on hers. They were alone. In the privacy of his apartment. The knowledge that his bedroom was just a few feet away burned in the pit of her stomach.
