by Susannah Nix
She already had an idea, she just needed to flesh it out a little more and double-check a few things. It was a good idea. Actually, no, it was great. She was going to knock their damn socks off at that meeting on Monday and show them what she was worth.
What she needed was some motivating jams to drown everything else out. She started up her Rihanna playlist, cranked the volume, and got to work.
She spent the entire weekend working on her presentation for the roadblock meeting. She was going to rock this. The solution she’d come up with was efficient and innovative: designing a single composite part to hold both sub-assemblies in the same space. It would be a little more expensive, but save both weight and space. She had a killer PowerPoint deck to illustrate her proposal, and detailed data to back it up. The only other person who had submitted a proposal was Dan, and his solution wasn’t anywhere near as elegant as hers.
Esther got to the conference room earlier and chose a seat by the whiteboard. Dan showed up a few minutes later with a dozen doughnuts. Not cheap doughnuts either, but expensive gourmet doughnuts from a shop in Manhattan Beach. He’d even made sure to get a couple vegan doughnuts for Bhavin.
“Hey, my favorite doughnuts!” Dmitri said when he arrived. He had the friendly, slightly slick demeanor of a car salesman. The fact that he was almost always smiling helped counteract the fact that his Lithuanian accent made him sound a little like Dracula. He clapped Dan on the back, grabbed a chocolate doughnut out of the box, and shoved it halfway into his mouth as he took his seat.
Esther’s proposal was up first in the bake-off, and she presented it in a calm, unemotional, professional manner. She fielded questions from the other designers, and when Dmitri asked about the grounding path, she got up and walked him through it on the whiteboard.
Dan didn’t say a word or ask any questions. He just sat there silently with that same smug expression on his face.
“Well, that’s certainly an interesting idea,” Bhavin said when Esther had finished. “We’ve never done anything like this before.”
“That’s true,” Esther said. “But it’s not entirely untested. It’s just a new application of processes we’ve used on other projects.”
“Here’s the thing.” Dmitri leaned forward, flashing his jovial salesman grin. The one he used to let people down easy. “We talked about your idea, and it sounds risky. There’s a reason we do things the way we do them.”
Beside him, Bhavin bobbed his head in agreement.
Dmitri stood up and helped himself to another doughnut. “Why don’t we hear what Dan’s got to say?”
Esther capped the whiteboard marker and took her seat again. She listened quietly, keeping her expression neutral, as Dan launched his proposal. He talked a good game and made an impressive PowerPoint deck, but it was obvious he’d hand-waved some of the science. She kept waiting for someone to call him on it, but no one did. Bhavin wasn’t technical enough to realize Dan was blowing sunshine up his ass. Dmitri was, but apparently he didn’t care because Dan was his bro.
When Dan finished, Dmitri was nodding his head. “Thanks very much, Dan. I think we’ve heard all we need to.” He turned to address the whole table. “Esther, I like the innovation, but in this case I think we need to stick to the solution with the tried and true application that offers the most cost savings. Everyone agree?”
There were nods and a murmur of approval around the table. Esther sat there in shock as the meeting was adjourned and everyone began shuffling out of the room.
“Better luck next time,” Dan sneered on his way out the door.
“It was a good idea,” Bhavin told her as he took the last vegan doughnut. “It showed a lot of initiative.”
Not good enough to implement though. “Dmitri said you’d talked about my proposal.” It was an effort to keep her voice from shaking. “When was that?”
“At trivia on Friday,” Bhavin said around a mouthful of doughnut. “I’m on a team with Dmitri and a couple of his devs.” He finished chewing and swallowed. “It’s not like it was a planned meeting or anything. It just came up in conversation.”
Esther nodded. “Was Dan there?”
“Yeah. I mean, he’s the one who organized the team.”
Of course he was. It was no coincidence the team included both Dmitri and Bhavin. What better way to suck up to them outside work?
If Esther had thought to organize a trivia team and invite Dmitri and Bhavin to join, would they have picked her proposal instead? Probably not. They probably wouldn’t have joined her trivia team, because she wasn’t “one of the guys” and she never would be. Not even if she learned to play Magic: the Gathering or forced herself to care about fantasy football.
The one thing she’d thought she could control in her life was her job, and it turned out she couldn’t control that either. No matter how good she was, or how hard she worked, she’d never be appreciated. Like everything else, it all came down to being liked—something Esther wasn’t any good at.
She’d just needed something in her life to go well. It hadn’t seemed like too much to ask.
She spent the rest of the afternoon fuming silently at her desk with her headphones on. Instead of going home when five o’clock rolled around, she took herself to the movies. She couldn’t bear the thought of another night alone in her apartment, knowing that Jonathan was right on the other side of the wall. It was excruciating.
The air inside the movie theater was hot and stale and thick with the smell of artificial butter. She bought herself a small popcorn, which turned out to be as big as her head, and a five-dollar bottle of Diet Coke. Dinner of champions.
She’d thought the movie would be a distraction, but she’d made the mistake of picking a sci-fi movie and every frame reminded her of Jonathan. She’d never gotten to read the final version of his sci-fi script. She wondered what he’d ended up doing for the turning point in act two. Now she’d never find out.
She got up and left before the end of the movie. It was obvious some of the characters were going to die, and some would live happily ever after, and she didn’t particularly care to find out which were which. Besides, the popcorn was making her feel sick to her stomach.
When she got home, Sally refused to greet her. She was mad that her dinner was late, so she walked to the far corner of the living room, turned her back, and petulantly groomed herself. Et tu, cat?
Esther gave Sally her food and crawled into bed. She didn’t even bother putting on pajamas, although she did take off her shoes. So what if she fell asleep in her clothes? Who was there to know? Or care? She was all alone in the world. She could die in her sleep and it would be days before anyone found the body, probably.
God, she was pathetic.
Esther rolled over and grabbed her phone off the nightstand. It was only nine thirty.
She called her brother.
“Hey,” he answered gruffly. The sound of his voice triggered an overwhelming wave of homesickness, and she hugged her pillow against her stomach.
She was so tired of being alone. It felt like her whole life in LA had fallen apart. Or maybe she’d never had much of a life here to begin with.
“I figured out a way to help you with Mom,” she said. “What if I moved back to Seattle?”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Esther didn’t have to stay in LA. She was an adult in charge of her own destiny, and she had family back in Seattle who would be glad to have her nearby. Eric, Heather, Gabe, even her mother. If she moved back home, she could see them more often. Get to watch her nephew grow up and be a regular presence in his life instead of a distant figure who visited a couple times a year. She could be part of a family, instead of being alone.
“What time is it?” Eric sounded dazed. Muddled.
“It’s nine thirty. Were you sleeping?”
“I fell asleep putting Gabe to bed.”
This was exactly why she needed to move back home. To take some of the load off Eric. He had his hands full with his own
family. He shouldn’t have to take on all of Mom’s problems too. Esther could take some of the Mom stuff off his shoulders and she could help out with Gabe. It was win-win.
There was a rustling sound on the other end of the line, like Eric was moving around. “What are you talking about moving back here for?” He sounded a little more awake now.
“To help you. To help Mom. To help you help Mom.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“I’d get to see more of my nephew. You and Heather too, obviously, but mostly I just care about your offspring.”
“You’re not moving back here.”
“Gabe’s toilet trained now, so I’ve missed the most unpleasant parts. It’s the perfect time to show up and start playing the indulgent aunt.”
“What’s going on?” Eric didn’t have any patience for her deflections tonight.
She sighed and rolled over onto her back. “I called Dad and asked him if he’d let Mom have one of his rental units.”
“That was dumb.” He didn’t need to ask what Dad’s answer was.
Eric had been older when their father left. He had more memories of their time as a whole family—and fewer illusions about what it had been like. Esther still held out hope that one day her father would be more of a father. Eric was right—she was dumb.
“I didn’t hear you coming up with any better ideas. I figured it was worth a shot.”
“It never is, with Dad.”
Sally butted her head against Esther’s hand, demanding affection. Esther scratched her behind the ears. “What are we going to do?”
“I told you I’d figure something out. You don’t have to worry about it.”
“Easier said than done.”
He sighed. “I know.”
She missed her brother. He was the only real family she had—the only family she’d ever been able to count on. It would be nice to live near him again. To get to know Heather and Gabe better. To have people around who loved her no matter how badly she screwed up. No matter how hard she tried to push them away.
“I’ve got a couple more leads on some places for Mom,” Eric said. “Something will work out.”
Esther chewed on her thumbnail. “By the end of the month?”
“If we have to, we’ll put her stuff in storage for a few weeks and she can stay with us until she finds a new place.”
That was a terrible idea. The worst. It was exactly what she was afraid would happen. “Eric—”
“It’s fine.”
It wasn’t fine. His house was too small. Mom would drive him nuts. She’d drive Heather nuts.
“You don’t even have a spare room.”
“Then she won’t be able to get comfortable. It’ll motivate her to get her own place.”
“Yeah, right.” Her mother was like a lamprey eel. Once she’d clamped onto you, there was no shaking her off. Give her an inch and she’d take a second inch. And then a third, and a fourth, until you were all out of inches. She’d been dying for an invitation to move in with Eric and Heather since Gabe was born. Once she was ensconced in their house, she’d never move out. The appeal of being taken care of would be too great. She’d start wheedling them to get a bigger place. Suggesting they pool their money and go in on something together. He’d never be rid of her. For the sake of Eric’s sanity—and Heather’s—Esther couldn’t let that happen.
“Forget it, I’m moving back. I can put in for a transfer to the Seattle office, get an apartment with a spare room, and move Mom in with me.” She owed it to Eric, after everything he’d done for her. Coming back to Seattle after college, looking after Mom so Esther could take a job out of state and start living her own life. It was her turn now. Time for her to start doing her share again.
“Absolutely not.”
She knew Eric still felt guilty for going to college out of state and leaving her alone with their mom. Esther had spent three years of high school and one year of undergrad dealing with their mother on her own while Eric was away, and he’d been doing this stupid self-imposed penance ever since.
“You’re not the boss of me. I can do what I want.”
“Tell me what’s really going on,” Eric said. “What are you trying to run away from?”
She elected to play dumb. “What do you mean?”
“This is what you do whenever things get too real. You run.”
“I’m trying to run toward a problem, not away from it.”
“You love living in LA. You’ve got a life there.”
“I did. I do.” She tried to keep her voice light, but the words landed with a leaden thunk.
“What’s changed?”
She crossed her arms stubbornly, even though he wasn’t there to see it. “Nothing. I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”
Eric wasn’t having it. “Sis.”
“What?”
“I can always tell when you’re hiding something. Spill, before I fall asleep again.”
Esther sighed and stared up at the popcorn ceiling of her bedroom. She’d always hated that popcorn ceiling. It was one thing she definitely wasn’t going to miss. “Los Angeles is fine. There’s just not as much keeping me here as there used to be.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. My job isn’t going like I thought it would, my best friend stopped talking to me, and all my other friends went with her.”
“What happened with Jinny?”
Esther filled her brother in on the highlights. He listened without comment until she’d gone through the whole sorry tale.
“So, it was about a guy,” he said when she was done.
“It wasn’t about the guy, it was about trust.”
“Sounds like it was a little about the guy.”
“It doesn’t matter. The point is nobody would miss me if I moved back home.” She sounded petulant and snotty, like a child.
“So your solution is to run away from your problems?”
“Mom’s my problem too. You’re already taking on more than you can handle and you’ve got your own family to think about. I don’t.”
“That doesn’t make your life any less important than mine.”
She squeezed the phone against her ear. “Maybe a fresh start would be good for me.”
Eric made a sound in the back of his throat. “There’s no fresh start for you up here. I can handle this thing with Mom. Don’t use us as an excuse. You need to fix your own shit.”
“I can’t. I’ve tried talking to Jinny, but she won’t take my calls. I don’t know how to get her to forgive me.”
“You can’t manage people into behaving the way you want.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“That’s what you always do. That’s what got her mad at you in the first place, right?”
She hated it when her brother was right. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do, then. Because giving her space doesn’t seem to be working.”
“In all the time you guys have been friends, have you ever told her how you feel about her—how important she is to you?”
“I tell her all the time.”
“I mean literally tell her. Using actual words.” Eric knew her too well. It was annoying.
“She knows how I feel about her,” Esther said, feeling defensive.
Her brother sighed. “Look, I know you’re allergic to expressing your emotions, and I understand why—better than anyone. But sometimes people need you to actually come right out and tell them how you feel. I don’t think you realize how much distance you keep people at.”
I don’t do that, Esther wanted to protest. Not with Jinny. Not with my friends.
But maybe she did.
Her brother was right that she wasn’t big on expressing her emotions. Why talk about your feelings when you could shove them all deep down inside? Keep calm and carry on. Like Queen Elizabeth.
But that didn’t mean she was unfeeling or cold. She showed people she cared through her actions. Wasn’t that be
tter anyway? Showing rather than telling? That’s why she was always taking care of people. She was the “mom friend.” The one who could be counted on to help you out of a jam. That wasn’t keeping people at a distance, was it?
Only…Jinny hadn’t wanted to be mothered. She got enough of that from her actual mother.
“You still there?” Eric said. “Or did you faint at the prospect of sharing your emotions?”
Esther ignored the gibe. “So, what—if I tell her I care about her she’ll magically forgive me?”
“Probably not, but you should tell her anyway. She deserves to know.”
“What’s the point? If she’s not going to forgive me anyway?”
“The point is to do something that’s hard for you because it’s meaningful to someone else. Expose your soft underbelly. That means a lot more than saying you’re sorry.”
“And if she still doesn’t forgive me? If she just doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?”
“Then she doesn’t. But at least you tried. And you learned something in the process. You pick yourself up, make some new friends, and don’t repeat the same mistakes.”
“You say that like it’s easy.”
“I know it’s not easy, but you’re tough. You can handle it.”
“But Mom—”
“Mom will be fine. Don’t use Mom’s issues as an excuse to ignore your own. You fix your shit and let Mom fix hers. I know you like to swoop in and solve other people’s problems, but she’ll never learn to stand on her own two feet if we keep picking her up every time she falls down.”
It was almost the exact same advice their dad had given her. Esther considered telling Eric that, but decided against it. He’d long ago reconciled himself to their father’s limitations as a parent and didn’t need her upsetting the balance.
“I’m going to bed,” Eric said. “Don’t make any stupid decisions while I’m asleep.”
“Fine,” Esther muttered.
“Goodnight.”
“Hey,” she said before he could hang up.
“What?”
“Thanks.”
“It’s gonna be okay, Es. You’ll see.”
