by S. C. Green
Pretty sure I’d know if I could do that. Wouldn't I? “That’s not me. I’ve never been able to do that.”
“Maybe you could if you tried.” His voice sounded strained.
An uneasy feeling tugged at my gut. “Alain … what happened to this girl?”
He looked up at me then, and his eyes were wide with pain. “She was killed in the experiments. A wraith overpowered her. She became a husk.”
“Well, isn’t that delightful?” Cold fear froze my veins. “You’re asking me to sacrifice myself—”
“No!” Alain shouted, the force in his voice startling me. “I would never ask you to do that. I can’t … Now that I know you, I don’t know if I can lose you.”
“Huh,” I said, narrowing my eyes. “You could’ve fooled me.”
“I have to keep my distance. I can’t deny that I feel … something for you. For ten years, I’ve lived with the doubt in my mind. I can’t … I’m not capable of trusting anyone, and neither is May.”
“From what I know of May,” I said fiercely, “she can look after herself.”
He laughed bitterly. “You’re probably right. She was the one who had to mend me when I lost Raine. I came to pieces, Sydney. It wasn’t pleasant. I don’t remember much from those first months. But I remember Dorien’s kindness, and May’s strength. She had to be strong for me. And in return, I had to hide my true feelings and suspicions about Raine so May had only good, kind memories to cling to. But to do that, I had to retreat to a place that was dark and cold, and she lost much of the love I should have lavished upon her. I can’t put her through that again. I have to be alone. It’s the only way.”
“If that’s true, then what did the kiss mean?”
Was it just his way of thanking me for saving May? Had he been so overwhelmed with emotion, he forgot himself for a moment? All I knew was it was the best kiss I’d ever had, and I wanted another just like it. And a few more after that.
“The kiss …” His eyes bore into mine. “It meant that as much as I want to push you away, I’m drawn to you.”
“You looked at me with such horror, such disgust.” I shook my head, trying not to remember his expression and failing miserably.
“I wasn’t disgusted at you. You could never disgust me. I was horrified at myself. May was critically injured, and here I was kissing a woman who wasn’t her mother.” He gazed down at the floor, his jaw flexing.
“Alain, I know you appreciate me going after May. You don’t have to kiss me to say thank you. And in fact, I’d prefer that you didn’t. It just … it confuses things and I—”
He snapped his head around toward me, his eyebrows raised.
I lost the nerve to say the words I want you, so I just stared at him, my mouth hanging open, before I finally managed to say. “If you want to thank me, just bring me a can of soda.”
“Let me show you how I thank you,” he growled. His dark eyes locked on mine, he stood up and climbed on the bed, the springs creaking under his weight. He crawled on top of me, pressing his lips to mine with a fierceness that stole my breath.
I ran my hands through his hair as I rose up to meet his kiss, twining the silky strands around my fingers. I loved the weight of him against me, heavy and reassuring.
Alain’s hunger drew me in, possessing me. My whole body ached for him. He tugged himself away, leaning back on his elbows and staring down at me, his gaze hungry. His hands sought the edges of my tank top and jerked it up. I lifted my arms so he could pull it over my head. Next came my bra, a tattered old lace thing I’d pulled from the corpse of a prostitute back in the Rim. Alain tossed it aside.
My breasts bounced free, small and pert. He took one in his hand, his face intense. I drew in a breath as he touched my bare skin. No one had touched me like that for so many years.
“You can do more than just hold it,” I told him, giving him a weak smile. “It won’t bite.”
“Really?” He leaned over and claimed my mouth with his. “You seem like the biting type.”
I smiled against his lips. “Only if you like it.”
“I like everything about you,” he murmured.
A surge of emotion welled in my chest. While he kissed me, his hands caressed my naked chest, skimming my sides, cupping my breasts, the fingers expertly tracing a line around my nipples, before pinching them lightly. I moaned against him.
His lips left mine again, and he kissed a trail across my jaw, down the edge of my neck, and over my collarbone, the soft touch of his mouth sending shivers of delight through my body. He continued his trail across my chest, pressing his lips against my nipple.
He skimmed the tip of his tongue around it, then sucked my whole nipple into his mouth, his hand rolling my other nipple between his fingers. I gasped as tendrils of heat shot through my body.
His eyes never left mine as he nipped and sucked on each breast. Usually, I liked to do it with the lights off, lost in my own world. But the intensity of keeping eye contact with him while he touched me was more of a turn-on than I could have ever imagined.
He leaned forward to kiss me again, but I held up my hand to stop him.
“You next,” I told him.
“For what?”
“Shirt off,” I said, tugging at the fabric. “I want to see the body beneath all those shapeless black clothes.”
He dropped a quick kiss to my mouth. “What if you don’t like what you see?”
“Then maybe you’ll learn how hard I bite.” I winged up my eyebrow, daring him to say no.
He grinned wickedly and tugged his black tunic over his head. I licked my lips as I surveyed his toned torso, broad shoulders, and the v of his abs sloping down into the waist of his pants. Those shapeless black garments did his body no favours.
White scars crisscrossed one side of his chest below a tattoo of a raven in flight. I ran my fingers along them, wondering what had injured him so badly.
He clasped his hand around my wrist, bringing my hand up behind my head, pinning me beneath him. “Satisfied?”
“Never.” I tugged at the button holding his jeans with a smile. “But maybe if I see what’s in here …”
He laughed, his voice husky. “Sydney, this is—”
“Shhhh.” I didn’t want him to say anything, didn’t want him to stop and think about whether this was right or not. If he did that, he’d leave, and I’d never get to know what it was like to be with him, to share this with him. “I know what you’re going to say. Let’s not think about anything other than the two of us, right here, right now.”
“As you wish.” He claimed my mouth with his.
I laughed between our kisses. That had been easy, luckily. Our bodies pressed against each other, skin on skin, such a foreign sensation to me after so long. My body pulsed with heat.
He fumbled with the buttons on my jeans before popping them open. He lifted himself off me so I could slide them off, and I grabbed his fly and undid it in one swipe, feeling his hardness spring free against my hand. He kicked his jeans off and lay back down on top of me, his cock pressing against the inside of my leg.
“I have no protection,” he said, his voice hoarse. “We can’t—”
I gulped. I hadn’t thought of that. We stared at each other in silence, while the hot energy of our bodies thrummed between us. The words flew from my mouth before I could stop them. “I can’t have children.”
There it was. The darkness I carried in my heart, the broken hollowness that haunted me even as the world died around me. I held my breath, knowing that I walked a knife-edge, at any moment I could fall on the blade.
His eyes burned into mine. “Never?”
I shook my head. “The doctors were very thorough. I was beaten so badly, there was internal bleeding. They had to take everything.”
“It upsets you. Why? You have Diana.”
“I do, and she’s wonderful. She has given me so much joy, but also, she is a constant reminder of what I’ll never have. I was in love once, with a vio
lent, despicable man.” I swallowed back the slight tremor in my voice, along with the rush of memories I refused to let consume me ever again. “I wanted his children so much. I thought children would change him, or maybe I hoped they would change me. He did change me. He took my womb.”
“I’m sorry, for what’s been taken from your body and your heart.” Alain kissed my nose. “To me, you are whole, and beautiful.”
A lump formed in my throat. “I never thought a man would see me that way again. But you … if I had your child, it would be a beacon of joy in a world of darkness,” I said, and I knew it was true.
He looked doubtful. “You can’t mean that. You barely know me.”
“I know enough, Alain. I know that you are kind and loyal and fiercely protective of those you love. I know you would never hurt a child in your care. Whatever happens between us later, I would have been proud to know that this moment, right here, was what created a new life.”
“Fuck.” His eyes burned into mine. “This isn’t too intense for you?”
I caressed his stubbled cheek and smiled. “Just intense enough.”
“Sydney,” he growled, his eyes clouding over. Then he kissed his way down my body and buried his face between my legs.
His tongue found that spot, dancing over me, sending my whole body into a whirlwind of ecstasy. I grabbed his head, threading my fingers through his hair, enjoying the way his head rose and fell as he lapped at me, his expert tongue darting inside, swirling around, bringing me to the brink.
The pleasure built inside of me, pressing against the inside of my stomach. I threw back my head as it burst forth, tumbling over my body in blissful waves. My whole body shuddered with release. The room darkened around me as the pleasure took hold of my senses.
He cradled me in his arms as the pleasure faded to a warm ebb. I wanted to say something snappy, but my brain was having a hard time pushing coherent thoughts to my mouth.
“Sydney.” He kissed me, slow and gentle, his body pressed against mine. With one stroke, he entered me, filling me completely.
I rocked against him, relishing the warmth of him against my skin, the full feeling of him inside me.
He moved slowly, his pace languid, his face serene as he stared into my eyes. Suddenly, his mouth broke into a smile.
“What?” I whispered.
“You’re beautiful.” His lips touched my nose as his hips thrust against mine. “I haven’t felt this way in a long time.”
“What, horny?”
He laughed, the sound causing my chest to swell with emotion. “It’s great to laugh,” he said. “To laugh and fuck.”
“That’s so crass,” I said, but laughed anyway. “Let’s rewind to the bit where you were telling me I was beautiful.”
I rolled him off me, pinning him to the bed and climbing on top of him, my legs spread over his body. I moved up and down on him, plunging him deep inside me, my fingers raking across his chest as I rode him.
He gripped my thighs, guiding me inside of him. He reached up with one hand and caressed my breasts, his fingers dancing over my nipples.
I lost track of time. The outside world faded around me. All I was aware of was his breath against my skin, his hands exploring, his body moving against mine. The way we fitted together like puzzle pieces starting from the corner of a picture.
The pleasure built in my body again, slower this time, starting at my toes and rumbling up through my limbs. When it reached my core, it exploded, shooting through my veins like steam rising from an engine, burning me inside and out.
I moaned against him, my slick skin sliding over his torso. He held me while my orgasm took hold, grinning wickedly as my body shuddered against his.
“Sydney—” He gritted his teeth. His nails dug into my thighs. His face contorted as he released, his whole body convulsing as his orgasm claimed him.
I collapsed on top of him, too exhausted to move. He wrapped his arms around my naked body, holding me against him. His heart thundered against my chest.
Weariness overwhelmed me, and I sank deeper into the warmth of his body. Outside the window, the faintest echoes of screams touched my ears, reminding me that the city still poised on a knife’s edge. The wraith were still out there, coming for everything that was ours.
But inside that bare room—for the first time since I’d been trapped by the dome—I felt safe.
11
When I awoke, grey light streamed in from the window, and Alain had gone. A couple of black feathers sat on the pillow beside me, a remnant of our night together. Alain must’ve flown off somewhere while I was sleeping. I scooped them up and held them up to the light, watching the way the grey sky filtered through the thin black strands.
Alain confused me so much. I thought of last night, of everything we’d shared, all the hard layers of our hearts we’d peeled back for each other, the way I peeled back the layers of objects in my mind. I’d told him my secret, and he hadn’t recoiled in horror. He understood, because in his own way his love had left him hollow, too. I thought of him inside me, completely naked, utterly exposed.
If I had not been so damaged, I could have been pregnant. Right now, I could have been carrying a fertilised egg—Alain’s child. The thought made me impossibly sad. But bringing up a child in this horrific world also terrified me. It was bad enough that this was all I could give Diana who had been trapped here like the rest of us. But to actively bring a child into the dome was an act of tremendous cruelty, wasn’t it? It was a good thing I would never have to make that choice.
Wasn’t it? Why did I feel as though I were being torn apart?
Because you love him, a voice in my head whispered. I tried to tug the thought away, but it kept nagging at me, twisting in my mind.
Did I love Alain? I didn’t know. I thought of how I felt about Diana, how I’d do anything to protect her, how the thought of holding her in my arms again had kept me alive for three long months in jail. Could I say the same of Alain? Yes, even though I’d only known him a few days, I would fight to protect him, if it came to that.
What was love in a broken world, anyway? Maybe I just missed being touched with tenderness. Maybe I longed to be with someone who made me feel safe. Maybe I wanted a baby to feel as though something of myself would be left behind when I inevitably succumbed to a husking or a gang-related offing.
Someone knocked on the door.
“Come in,” I said, setting the feathers on the nightstand.
The door creaked open, and Diana peeked in, Blackie’s face peering around the door at her feet. “Sydney. It’s after breakfast. I was worried about you.”
“Hey, Red.” I grinned. “It’s okay, you can come in.”
Calling her by her new nickname usually made her smile. But this time, her whole body seized up.
“What’s wrong?” I pulled her into my arms.
Blackie jumped up beside her and kneaded the corner of the duvet.
“Nothing,” she said, nuzzling up next to me. “I just didn’t like being away from you last night. Did you hear the screams?”
I nodded, even though I could barely recall them now. My face flushed as I remembered how, only hours earlier, Alain and I had been entwined together on this bed. I wasn’t ready for Diana to know about us yet. “The wraith were out in force, I take it?”
She stroked Blackie’s fur until he purred, his tiny body quivering with delight. “Everyone was talking about it at breakfast. Two Reapers were husked, and they estimate at least fifty citizens, mostly from the outer Hub.”
The outer Hub? That made sense—there weren’t many people left in the inner suburbs, closest to the Citadel. As they carried out the Mayor’s plan, the wraith were sweeping through the areas closest first, building up their strength before a final push into the Rim where they would take all the energy they needed.
“Don’t worry. I brought back some valuable information from the Citadel, and the Reapers will find a solution.”
They have to, or
we’re all fucked. I didn’t say that out loud, but Diana knew me well enough to know that’s what I was thinking.
She squeezed me tighter. “Dorien and Cory are already working on the Reaper weapons. They’re hoping they can repurpose—I mean, reprogramme—the particle weapons so they will hurt the wraith again.”
“That would definitely be a step in the right direction. How do you feel now? Did you have a fun night with Dorien?” I asked her.
She rolled over so she faced the window, dragging my arm over her body so I spooned her. Blackie climbed on top of us and settled on her shoulder. “It was fine, and I feel fine. It’s been ages since I had a coughing fit. I was just scared because you weren’t with me.”
“I would’ve stayed with you if you asked. You know that.”
“You were with Alain.”
My heart thudded against my chest. Of course she knew. She was twelve, not two.
“I didn’t want to disturb you,” she said.
“Oh, Diana.” I touched her shoulder, but she flinched away. “Don’t ever think like that. You are the most important person in the world to me. Alain and I are … We’re becoming close, but you and I have been together for ten years. We’re buds. Now, tell me where you slept. Did Dorien let you have his bed?”
“He set up a cot for me in a supply closet next to his quarters.” Diana snuggled into my shoulder again, but she still wouldn’t look at me. “He said it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to sleep in his bed, not after all the accusations flying around.”
“Accusations?” I asked lightly. I had been hoping Diana hadn’t heard about the sex-trafficking rumours. I hated the idea of keeping her here, knowing that might be going on, but so far I’d seen no evidence, and Dorien and Alain were watching her every move.
“Some of the Reapers are saying that bad things happen here, and it’s someone within the Compound who is responsible. I overheard Tristan telling Arnold that it was someone who has a lot of power, and that any Reaper involved was a disgrace to the Order because they believed that their “vows of chastity” have no place within the dome.”
