Caleb was struck by how she grasped his hand—so much like Sarah, so welcoming and spontaneous. A light breeze ruffled his long, loose hair, and little bells that were tied into a hair ornament tinkled with the wind.
Willena found it incredible that this man was so Indian. He was much more Indian than James had even described, except for the amazing blue eyes; and she sensed a man of compassion behind them.
“What do you mean—life and death?”
She blinked back tears. “Do you know he was at Sand Creek?”
“I do. I have already found my grandson Cale, among the Northern Cheyenne in the Black Hills. He told me.”
Her eyes widened. “You . . . rode right into their camp?” She let go of his hand, as though realizing just how Indian he really was.
He grinned a little. “I am Blue Hawk. I am one of them, in case you didn’t notice.”
Her cheeks flushed a little and she smiled through tears. “Of course.” She sighed deeply. “What I meant was that James—” She folded her arms, trembling obviously. “He’s suicidal, Mr. Sax. He’s despondent, drinks too much, and a few weeks ago I walked into his study to see him standing there with the barrel of a pistol in his mouth.” She looked down. “If I hadn’t come in when I did, I have no doubt he would have . . . pulled the trigger.”
Her tears started to flow. Caleb closed his eyes against the pain. Forgive him, Sarah had told him. Find James and forgive him.
He saw several riders coming then and moved back, sensing danger.
“Your neighbor lady was scared to death of me. I think she decided maybe you would need some help. There are riders coming.”
Willena quickly wiped her eyes and walked down the steps, taking the reins of Caleb’s horse and tying them to a hitching post as several of her neighbor’s hired help rode around the neatly trimmed shrubs of the well-manicured lawn, keeping to the stone riding path that was laid out in a grand circle in front of the house. Every man carried a rifle, and Willena stepped out to greet them.
“You got trouble here, Mrs. Sax?” one of them spoke up. “Mrs. Hornby said this big Indian was headed for your place.”
“It’s all right. He’s my father-in-law.”
Caleb smiled a little at the bold and quick answer. There was no hesitation, no attempt to hide his identity.
“Father-in-law!”
“My God, the rumor is true,” another spoke up.
“No wonder Sax lost his beans after Sand Creek,” another spoke up jokingly.
“I’ll be damned.”
“And I would appreciate it if you all left.” Willena curbed her anger. They had, after all, come to see if she needed help. “I appreciate your concern.”
They all gawked at Caleb, some fingering their rifles eagerly. Then they began moving out. One lingered behind to look insultingly at Willena. “Seein’ as how you’re married to one of them, don’t expect us to come ridin’ to your aid again, ma’am,” he sneered.
Willena stiffened. “I think I can get by without your help, Sam. When I need help, I’ll call on a real man to help me.”
Caleb grinned and Sam scowled at Willena, then rode off. Willena turned and came up the steps, meeting Caleb’s approving eyes.
“You’ve got courage.”
“It isn’t courage. It’s plain old anger,” she answered, fire in her green eyes.
Caleb looked her over. She had a shape that would entice any man. His son may have done a lot of wrong things in his life, but marrying this woman was one of the smartest things he ever did. “I don’t even know your name.”
She smiled a little, the anger leaving her eyes. “It’s Willena. Come inside and we’ll talk. James is in town. I don’t doubt he’ll find out very quickly that his Indian father is here. Someone will ride in and tell him. I’m not sure what that will do to him, but I expect he’ll come home. At any rate, there are a few things you need to know before he gets here.”
She led him through double doors into a cool hallway. A huge chandelier hung overhead, and a spiral staircase led to upper rooms. Its rail was polished mahogany, but the bars and steps were painted white. Huge plants were scattered about, and expensive-looking paintings hung on the walls. She noticed Caleb taking inventory of his son’s mansion.
“These things don’t mean anything to me, Mr. Sax. I would gladly give it all up to have James healthy and happy again.” She led him to the left, into a grand parlor decorated in a soft green. “Sit down, Mr. Sax. I’ll get the children. You can meet them before we talk.”
He sat in a love seat covered with green satin brocade, feeling awkward and out of place. Children? Did he have more grandchildren? If only Sarah could see all of this. If only she could have seen Little Eagle—and now to see James’s children! Moments later Willena returned, leading a little girl and boy along, the little girl wearing a ruffled dress, the little boy dressed neatly in a shirt and cutoff pants, his hair slicked back as though freshly combed.
“Children, this is your grandfather. You don’t have to be afraid of him. He is Indian, and he is a fine man. Your father has told you all about him, remember?” She brought them closer. “Mr. Sax, this is your granddaughter, Elizabeth Ellen. She’s four years old. And your grandson James Jr., who is two.”
Caleb stared at two beautiful children, the girl looking so much like Sarah that renewed grief swept through him with painful force. His eyes teared, and he reached out to lightly touch her chubby cheek. “The first time I met Sarah, I was nine years old—a wild, orphaned Indian boy that her uncle brought home with him,” he told her softly. “Sarah was only six, not much older than you. And you look just like her—just like your grandmother.”
“My grandma’s name is Sarah?”
He breathed deeply to stay in control. “It was. Your grandmother is dead now, Elizabeth. But she would be so proud to see you. She was a very beautiful woman, so I’m sure you will be, too.”
Looking at her brought back so many memories—little Sarah, his sweet little friend! Where in God’s name had the years gone?
Willena swallowed back a lump in her throat. So, Sarah Sax was dead. She felt an odd sorrow that she would never get to meet the woman. She had suspected she must be dead, suspected that was the only reason Caleb Sax had come back from California. She watched him turn to little James, quickly winning the boy over with a genuine love and warmth that any child could sense. In spite of his size and appearance, neither child seemed to be afraid.
“Both of you run back upstairs and play now. Your grandfather and I have many things to talk about.”
“Can he stay and eat supper with us?” Elizabeth asked.
“Of course he can. He can stay as long as he likes.”
A maid walked into the room and gasped when she saw Caleb sitting there, then looked wide-eyed at Willena.
“It’s all right, Joanne. This is my father-in-law. Please bring us—” She looked at Caleb. “What would you like, Mr. Sax? Coffee? Tea? Some brandy, perhaps?”
“Maybe just some water for now.” He smiled and watched his grandchildren run out of the room. He was glad he had come. Two more grandchildren and a great-grandson! He had always wanted family and identity, though all his life he had struggled between two worlds. Now it was obvious his family would help blend both of those worlds. Surely Sarah was up there watching. Surely she knew about Little Eagle, Elizabeth, and James Jr.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Tell me about James, Willena. I didn’t come here to condemn him. I admit there is a lot of bitterness in my heart. I don’t mind what he did to me. I have broad shoulders. But it’s hard for me to accept what he did to his mother. I’m here at her dying request, Willena. She made me promise to find James and to forgive him, and that’s what I’m going to try to do. Maybe it would help if I knew what’s going on around here. If you caught James threatening to shoot himself, then my son needs help badly.”
“Oh, yes, he does!” Willena moved to sit down beside him. “Sand Creek
nearly destroyed him, Mr. Sax.”
He sighed deeply. “Call me Caleb. Or Father. Anyone who marries my son becomes my daughter.”
Her eyes teared and she looked at her lap. “I can’t imagine James would overlook the love you obviously carry for your family, or turn away from it the way he did. I don’t know if you realize how much he was affected by the things that happened to him in Texas, how afraid he was that those he loved would suffer because of his Indian blood. We’re all different, Mr.—I mean, Caleb. Who can explain why certain things affect us the way they do?”
Willena rose as the maid brought in a tray with ice water on it. She set it down and quickly left, as though she feared losing her scalp. Caleb poured himself a glass of water and let Willena talk.
“At any rate”—she moved to stand beside a grand piano, her back to him—“it’s true James lived a lie most of his life. But deep inside, he loved you very much. We’ve talked a lot since Sand Creek. He told me everything—from his boyhood in Texas to the day I caught him with that pistol in his mouth.”
She turned to face him. “I think you understand, Caleb. Suffice it to say, Sand Creek brought it all to a head. He had what amounts to a nervous breakdown after that. He deserted the others and came straight home and just—” She sighed and shook her head. “He fell to pieces. For several days he just stayed in bed and cried. I couldn’t get him to tell me what was wrong. Luckily he had reliable men helping to run the mercantile. I told outsiders he was sick and couldn’t come to work.”
She walked to a window and looked out at the lush, green lawn. “Then he started drinking, getting abusive. One night he—” She folded her arms and remained turned away. “He wanted to make love to me, only he was mean and forceful. When I protested he said, ‘What’s wrong? Don’t you like making love with an Indian?’”
She turned to face him, her cheeks crimson. “That’s the first time I realized what was bothering him. I asked him what he was talking about, and he spilled it all out then. ‘I’m Indian! I’m Indian!’ he shouted at me. ‘Your husband is part Indian, and so are your children! What do you think of that, Mrs. James Sax!’”
She rubbed her arms. “I was so shocked I’m afraid I ran out of the room. I spent the rest of the night locked behind the door in the children’s room, waiting for him to sleep it off, thinking about what he had said. So many things made sense, things he had said or done before that I couldn’t understand. As God is my witness, Caleb, it wasn’t what he told me that upset me. It was the fact that he didn’t trust in my love enough to tell me in the first place. It wasn’t fair of him, and it wouldn’t have mattered. For years I have disagreed with my own father on the treatment of Indians. And I might add that since this all came out my father has disowned me.” Her eyes teared. “But that is something I guess I will just have to live with.”
He studied her lovingly. “You’re so much like Sarah I can hardly believe it.”
She smiled through her tears and turned away again. “At any rate, the next day James told me everything. We had a long, long talk. I think he understands that it doesn’t matter to me and that he’s not going to lose me. And I think he can even stand up against the friends and the father-in-law he has lost because of it all. It even hurt business a little, but we’ll survive. The man James was partners with died about three months ago, so James is sole owner now of Hayden & Sax Mercantile, which includes a lot more stores than just here in Denver.”
She sighed deeply. “Your son is a very rich man, Caleb. But he is a very unhappy man. Even though he has owned up to his Indian blood, he can’t live with the guilt of denying that blood for so long. He can’t live with the knowledge that he never contacted or saw his mother and father again. And he can’t live with the memory of Sand Creek and seeing his own nephew there. He wakes up with terrible nightmares, then he cries like a baby, and too often he turns to whiskey to soothe the hurt. I’ve done all I can do to help him. I’ve loved him the best I can. But I’m not the one who can really help him fully heal, Caleb. It has to come from you—from someone in the family he deserted. If he can’t get things right in his heart and learn to forgive himself, I’m afraid he’s going to get out that gun again—” Her voice choked. “And the next time I might not walk in in time.”
She leaned on the piano and broke into tears. Caleb walked over to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “He’s my son, Willena. A man can get angry with his son, but he never stops loving him. I’ll go into town right now and talk to him.”
“No! No, you mustn’t go into Denver.” She turned and faced him. “It would be much too dangerous. For James’s sake, don’t go into town and get yourself shot. That Would destroy him completely. Let him come home.”
He nodded. “All right, if you think that’s best.”
She grasped his arms. “At least he has faced up to his heritage, Caleb. He has told all his friends, and he has lost some of them because of it. But none of that really bothers him now. He’s a strong, wonderful man. It’s the inner guilt that is destroying him. If he could get rid of that, he would be stronger than ever before, and he would find the happiness he has never really known in his whole life. He’s a good husband and father, and he’s very intelligent and hardworking. There are too many wonderful things about that man to let him slowly destroy himself on the inside. You can stop it. I know you’ll have that power.”
She wiped her eyes and Caleb grasped her arms. “I’ll do what I can to help, Willena. He just needs to heal. Maybe I can help close the wound.”
She looked up at him, then suddenly hugged him. “You can, I know you can. Thank God you came! I’ve been going crazy trying to think what else to do. I’ve been so lonely. It’s like God sent you here for us.”
He moved his arms around her, thinking how much Sarah would love this young woman James had married. What wonderful instincts his Sarah had had. Somehow she knew their son needed him desperately. He felt the anger leaving him. He had come here to fulfill a promise. He would do it, but not just for Sarah. He would do it because it was in his own heart to forgive his son.
“No, Willena, it wasn’t God who sent me. But it was a spirit, a gentle spirit named Sarah.”
It had taken years of separation, and the horror of Sand Creek, to bring the closeness he had always wanted with James, if, in fact, he could find it now. How sad so many years had been lost, and that he had only a few days to make up for all of them. He closed his eyes. Help me, Maheo, he prayed.
• Chapter Thirty-three •
All the way home James felt uneasy, the kind of feeling a man got when he sensed something was wrong. Perhaps it was something he had inherited from his father. Caleb Sax always seemed to know when someone he loved was in trouble. Someone he loved. Was that it? Was something wrong at home? He rode a little faster, leaving a growing Denver behind him and heading into the foothills toward the only tiny piece of happiness he had left—Willena.
Poor Willena. She was being so patient and understanding. Never in his wildest dreams did he think she would still love him if she knew. It felt good to have it out in the open, but there still remained the fact that by riding with the Volunteers he had chosen the ultimate betrayal.
He headed up the road to his house, slowing his horse as he ascended the circular driveway. A horse was tied at the front of the house—a big Appaloosa. It was the kind of horse he would expect his father to ride, and as he slowly drew closer he realized the horse only carried a small Indian saddle and an Indian blanket. A rifle boot on the gear sported a fancy repeating rifle, and a sun was painted on the horse’s rump.
His blood tingled and his hands suddenly felt sweaty. Utter dizziness came over him when he rode around the other side of the horse to see a blue hawk painted on the other side of its rump. He looked quickly at the front doors to see Willena coming outside. For a moment they just stared at each other. She came down the steps.
“Your father is here. He’s up in the big pines behind the house. He said it would be bett
er to talk alone with you there.”
James sat frozen in place. Willena came closer and touched his leg. “He knows everything, James. It’s all fight. Go and see him.”
He began shaking, his hands gripping the reins tightly. “I knew he’d come . . . one day . . . and yet it always seemed as if it would never really happen.”
“I like him, James. I like him very much, and so do the children. You really should go and see him. You don’t have to be afraid. Get it over with, James.”
He swallowed, glancing up at the hills beyond the house. He was up there, the man he loved but in his own mind could never please. And now he knew all of it, all the shame, the ugly truth! His eyes teared at the sudden realization of why the man had come. “My mother is dead, isn’t she?” he choked out.
“Yes. She died last autumn, and she had nothing but loving thoughts for you.”
He closed his eyes, a little gasp of grief making his chest jerk. “My God,” he groaned.
“James, she was surrounded by children and grandchildren. They lived with Tom, and he has seven children. And Lynda lived nearby with John and a daughter, Jessica. Tom is very wealthy, James. They discovered gold on his land. Your mother lived a very good, comfortable life, just the kind of life you always thought she deserved. Your father says their years in California were wonderful, peaceful years. Your mother wanted for nothing. And she never once held anything against you.”
He drew in his breath, tears moving down his face. He kept taking deep breaths, wiping his eyes. “I can’t face him crying like a little boy, can I?” He forced an embarrassed smile.
“James, it wouldn’t matter. You know yourself that your father has shed his own share of tears. There’s nothing wrong with a man mourning the death of his mother.”
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