As if reading his mind, Red spoke. “Do you think you could live with yourself if you just didn’t tell her you found Amy? I can’t believe I would even ask you, but I don’t think my wife and I could bear to lose that little girl now. She’s our daughter, in every way, except legally.”
Cade nodded again. “I’ll do what I can, Mr. Montgomery.” He shook hands with Red and turned to go.
“God knows you’re doing the right thing.”
The man’s words echoed in Cade’s head as he drove back to the ranch. Did He really?
***
Despite the good news about Tim, the day seemed to stretch out immeasurably with Cade absent. Would it be any easier when she was the one gone? Annalisa wondered as she cleaned up the supper dishes. Maybe she’d be so engrossed with finding Amy and winning custody that she wouldn’t have time to miss Cade or the Circle-M. And maybe she’d grow another head and two more pairs of arms.
The swinging door opened, and Aunt Gertie came in. Looking around the sparkling kitchen, she shook her head. “Honey, you need to get out of here. It’s beyond immaculate.”
Annalisa sighed. “I know.” She tossed the dishtowel on the counter. “I think I’ll go out and check on the boys.”
“That sounds like a plan. I think I’ll settle in with a good book.” Aunt Gertie lightly embraced her, and Annalisa returned the hug. She’d grown accustomed to the older woman’s affectionate nature. Just one more thing she’d miss, she thought gloomily, and walked out toward the bunkhouse.
She could hear the voices inside, but the porch swing looked so inviting that she sank down into it. The sky was a swirl of colors, and the orange ball of the sun was sinking out of sight. A light breeze brushed her face. Laying her head back, she closed her eyes. She must have dozed because the sound of a car engine permeated her consciousness, and when she opened her eyes, the moon shone brightly in the night sky. The sight of Cade striding across the yard toward her made her sit up straight.
Before she could rise, he stepped up onto the porch and sat down beside her. “Hey.”
“Hey.” She turned her hand palm up and relaxed when he entwined his hand with hers.
“You have a good nap?”
“I guess. There’s been so much stress. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
He rubbed his free hand down his face. “Me either. And today has been one of the longest days of my life.”
Concern knotted in her stomach. He sounded awful. “Cade, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing you can fix. I’m so thankful Tim gets to stay, aren’t you?” His smile looked tired and a little forced.
“You know I’m thrilled.” She was puzzled by his evasiveness, but hated to push him.
“You should be a private investigator. It didn’t take you any time to put the puzzle pieces together and figure out Tim was allergic to feathers instead of hay.”
“You hiring?”
“I need you here.” His smoky eyes shimmered in the moonlight.
Annalisa opened her mouth to tell him she was quitting, but the words stuck in her throat. Something about his stance looked so vulnerable, and he’d admitted it had been a long day. Tenderness for this man she’d grown to love overwhelmed her. She’d tell him tomorrow. “I’m glad you made it home okay.”
“It feels good to hear you say that—home.”
“We’d better get to bed. I think the bunkhouse bunch has already turned in.” She nodded toward the dark front window.
He stood and pulled her up, then held her hand as they walked to the big house. When they reached the back door, he tugged her to a stop.
He reached out and caressed her face, and by the light of the porch light, she looked up into the unfathomable depths of his eyes. A shiver coursed through her. He had the tortured look of a veteran who had seen things too horrible to mention. But when he lowered his mouth to hers, she forced the unpleasant thoughts from her mind and surrendered herself to the sweet purity of his kiss.
Chapter Seventeen
Cade awakened with the memory of the back porch kiss still on his lips.
Judas. He’d kissed Annalisa last night, knowing beyond a doubt she’d despise him if she knew the truth. The kiss had been the ultimate betrayal.
He showered and dressed slowly. Since he’d come to the ranch, he’d been eager to meet each new day, but today was an exception. He didn’t know how he would face her. It had been hard to hide his deception in the dark, but in the sunlight, it might prove impossible.
He’d questioned his motives all the way home last night. Had he truly agreed to stay silent because it was best for Amy? Or did he simply want to have Annalisa to himself, without going with her through the hassle and heartache of a court battle? Every time his resolve to keep the secret weakened, though, he remembered Amy, laughing and tossing the basketball with her “dad” or chatting happily with her “mom” about what to wear to VBS.
There was no guarantee that Annalisa wouldn’t find Amy on her own. But—his stomach clenched at the thought—a week from now, after the adoption was final, it would be harder for her to do anything about it. The question now was whether Cade could live with that kind of responsibility for the rest of his life. Was he just a genius at bad choices? Or was God heaping more guilt on him to see how much he could take before he broke? The last thought gave him pause.
Could he turn this all over to God? He’d tried, hadn’t he?
Suddenly unsure, he knelt beside the bed. The weight on his shoulders immediately lightened. He remained there talking to God for a long time, and when he rose, Cade knew he wasn’t the one in control. There were no easy answers, but trusting God was the first step to a solution.
***
“Tim, turn the plates toward where the water comes out. Here, let me show you.” Juan patiently took the plate from the younger boy’s hand and rearranged it.
Annalisa beamed at the sight of the boys working so well together. The grin faded as she remembered how oddly Cade was acting today.
He’d been avoiding her. At first she’d thought it was her imagination, but when lunch was over, he’d hurried out without speaking, leaving Aunt Gertie and the Winemillers lingering over dessert. The day Cade McFadden turned down coconut cream pie was the day something was very wrong.
Tim pulled on her sleeve. “I gotta go to the bathroom.”
She nodded, and he scurried out the door to the hall.
“He always has to go to the bathroom when it’s his turn to help with the dishes.” Juan grinned.
“Yeah, some people are like that. Tim’s just starting early.”
They worked in silence until Tim came bounding back in the swinging doors. “Look! Look what I found in Mr. Cade’s room.” He held out a brightly colored paper.
“Tim! What were you doing in Mr. Cade’s room?” She took the paper.
The boy stared at her, innocence shining in his eyes. “I wasn’t in his room. I just walked by on my way to the bathroom. This was on the table by the door.” He pointed at it. “It says there’s going to be a fair!”
Annalisa smiled and looked at the flyer. Pictures of carnival rides and animals pranced across the glossy white page. Maybe she’d still be here if the boys did get to go. She turned the paper over to check the dates.
The word Amy leaped out at her. Her knees buckled, and she sank onto the barstool.
“Annalisa?” Tim grabbed her arm, and Juan came over to stand beside her.
“Why don’t you boys go tell Mr. George about the fair?”
“Okay!” Tim hurried out.
Juan lingered, concern evident in his dark eyes. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Go and keep an eye on Tim.” The words slipped from her lips of their own accord, but thankfully the teen left.
Red and Vicky Montgomery. The names were scrawled below Amy’s, followed by an address Annalisa recognized as being in an upscale Little Rock neighborhood.
Her heart felt like a concrete
block in her chest and her arms and legs tingled. Cade had found Amy and kept the information from her. The man she’d fallen in love with had deceived her about the most important thing in her life. The room grew dark, and she bent forward placing her head between her knees. She couldn’t faint now. She had to get her things and get out of here. Now.
***
Cade wasn’t surprised to discover his long walk after lunch had ended up at the barn. He’d always sought comfort in horses. That was one reason he’d worked so hard to help Annalisa learn to ride. It hadn’t taken long for her to feel safe with Bubba and that was something she desperately needed—security.
As he approached the barn, he slipped into the game he often played with Duke. He’d slide stealthily up to the barn, and the horse would whinny as soon as he knew Cade was near. When Cade got to the barn door, instead of the horse’s familiar nicker, he heard a human voice he didn’t recognize.
“I almost did it again. If Tim hadn’t been all right, I don’t know what I would have done.” The youthful speaker’s throat was obviously clogged with tears, and his words were punctuated by loud sniffs. Cade peeked in the barn and spotted Matthew’s head bowed close to Old Sweetie. “They’d have gotten rid of me, for sure. Nobody would want me around if they knew the truth.”
Dear God, please give me the right words.
He took a hesitant step into the barn, and Duke whinnied loudly from his stall.
Matthew’s head shot up and his green eyes, filled with tears, stared at Cade in dismay. Backing as close to Old Sweetie as he could, the boy cowered like a cornered animal as Cade approached.
“Hey, Matt. How’s it going?”
Matthew turned his face to the horse’s neck, and Cade saw his shoulders shaking slightly.
With another prayer, he closed the distance between them and slid his arm around the boy. “You didn’t make Tim sick by hitting him with a pillow. He’s allergic to feathers. Do you know what allergic means?”
Matthew nodded but didn’t look up.
“We’re actually kind of thankful you all had a pillow fight. Otherwise these attacks might have gone on and on, without us knowing what was causing them. And we might have lost Tim.”
At Cade’s last words, Matthew peeked out from behind his arm. Cade nodded. “That’s right. The state was going to make Tim live somewhere else because they thought he was allergic to the hay.” He smiled gently. “It would be hard to have a ranch without hay, wouldn’t it?”
The boy nodded.
“Were you in the accident with your parents?”
He nodded.
“Were you hurt?”
He shook his head.
“Want to talk about that night?”
He shook his head vigorously, his eyes wide.
“Because of something I did, a man died. I didn’t do it on purpose, but that doesn’t make it any better.” As Cade said the words, moisture clouded his vision. He blinked and reached for Matthew’s hand. The boy didn’t resist. “It was awful.”
Matthew nodded, but Cade could see the struggle in his face.
“It’s weird that your parents were killed and you weren’t hurt, isn’t it?”
Matthew shook his head.
Cade held the small hand in his big one and waited. Other than a soft horse snort now and then, silence stretched over them like a warm blanket.
“She unbuckled to fix me a sandwich.”
The words were barely a whisper in the quiet barn, and Cade had to lean forward to hear him.
“My dad and her were arguing. I was hungry, and he wouldn’t pull over. She undid her seat belt and turned around on her knees to get to the cooler.”
The silence stretched so long, Cade thought that was all he was going to say.
When he began to speak again, his voice was still quiet, but it trembled. “My dad said, ‘Fine, if you’re not wearing one, I’m not either.’ He popped his seat belt undone.” Tears gushed down the boy’s face. “I told ’em to forget it ’cause I wasn’t hungry anymore, but they didn’t pay any attention to me. My mom just kept slamming lunchmeat and bread around and griping at my dad.” Matthew started sobbing, but it was as if once he’d started talking he couldn’t stop. “All of the sudden, my dad said, ‘Oh, no!’ and slammed on the brakes. My mom fell sideways into him, and that’s the last thing I remember.”
He slid down the horse as if his legs wouldn’t hold him.
Great, gulping sobs wracked his body, and he fell onto the straw. “Why didn’t I unbuckle too?”
Cade couldn’t keep back his own tears, and he collapsed beside him, gathering him into his arms. “Oh, Matt. It wasn’t your fault.”
The boy crawled into Cade’s lap and keened, the high-pitched cry filling the barn. “Yes,” he gasped, “it was.”
“Your parents were adults. They knew better than to unbuckle. You didn’t make them do it.” He stroked the boy’s hair, as his own tears mingled with Matthew’s. “They were irritated with each other, and they used poor judgment, but it had nothing to do with you, Son.”
Matthew buried his head in Cade’s shoulder and shook his head.
“Matt, have you ever played a board game?”
He nodded.
“You know those little men you push around on the board?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Your parents were playing a grown-up game right then. They were angry, and they were using you in their game. But, you weren’t in control, Matthew.” He grabbed the boy by the shoulders and forced Matthew to look in his eyes. “They were.”
“They caused the accident?”
“No, they didn’t cause it. It was an accident, a terrible thing that happened. But they chose not to be buckled in. You didn’t choose it for them.”
“Do you believe that?” He wiped his nose with the back of his free hand and regarded Cade with eyes that looked much older than their nine years.
Do I? Suddenly, it felt as if scales were falling from Cade’s eyes. Annalisa’s words about his own feelings of guilt came rushing back to him. Joey’s father had been responsible for taking his own life. Cade didn’t choose it for him. And he couldn’t choose Amy’s fate either. As soon as he and Matthew were done here, he was going to tell Annalisa the truth.
He met the boy’s gaze unwaveringly. “Yes, Matthew, I do.”
Matthew stared at him as if he wanted to believe.
“And even though they were upset with each other that minute, they both loved you very much. It would make them sad to know you were blaming yourself for the accident.”
“You really don’t think I made them die? You’re not scared of me?”
Cade opened his mouth to speak, but instead pulled the boy to him again. They clung together for a few minutes, and there were more tears, but the tears this time were a catharsis for both of them. When they finally stood, Cade took a good look at Matthew.
He hadn’t been transformed to a carefree boy, but the shadow that always lingered over his face wasn’t there anymore. Cade knew Matthew would need counseling, but for right now, he was just thankful to hear his voice.
Chapter Eighteen
Everything Matthew had been holding inside came pouring out like a sudden summer shower. He told Cade about Tim’s asthma attack and how scared Matthew had been when he thought he’d caused it. For the first time, he put into words how exciting it was to catch a big fish. After they got Old Sweetie back in his stall, Cade gave Matthew a one-armed squeeze and kept his arm around the boy’s shoulders as they walked together back to the bunkhouse.
George and Marta, as well as Aunt Gertie, seemed to realize too much attention would embarrass Matthew, so they tempered their excitement, but Cade saw the delight in their smiles. Once Cade was sure Matthew could handle Tim’s curious questions and Juan’s good-natured teasing, he slipped out to tell Annalisa the good news.
The house was eerily quiet, and Cade’s heart sank. Surely she hadn’t gone out without telling someone. “Annalisa!”
<
br /> The countertop, usually scattered with preparations for the next meal, was clear, except for a folded white envelope with his name on it.
He opened it and read the scrawled writing in disbelief.
Cade, Tim was right. I did trust you. But I was wrong. Thanks for locating Amy for me, even if you weren’t going to tell me. I’ve gone to get her. Please don’t come after me.
She signed it simply A.
She’d found the paper with Amy’s name on it. A year ago, he wouldn’t have been so careless, but since he’d been at the ranch, he’d let his guard down. He was sure a psychologist would claim he’d done it on purpose, hoping Annalisa would discover the secret he had been reluctantly keeping.
He ran down the hall to her bedroom. It was clean and empty. He tried to find something. . .anything. . .that indicated she might be coming back. But all evidence of her presence had been eradicated from the space.
He walked back to the kitchen and slid onto a barstool where just a few days ago he and Annalisa had talked about their feelings for each other.
God, why didn’t You make me see sooner that I should have told her?
He rubbed his face with both hands, hoping to clear away the despair that coursed through his mind like a poison gas. He’d done this to himself. He had no one else to blame.
“Cade?” His aunt’s voice broke in on his dismal thoughts. She stood in the doorway. “What’s wrong?”
“Annalisa’s gone.”
“Gone?” Worry clouded her eyes. “For good?”
He nodded.
“But, I thought. . . The two of you. . .” Her voice faded off, but Cade knew exactly what Aunt Gertie had thought. He’d thought. . .hoped the same thing and, for awhile, Annalisa had shared his feelings.
He took a deep breath and started at the beginning. When he finished, his aunt was beside him, holding his hand. “Cade, you have to go after her.”
“I can’t.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know how to explain it, but I know one thing. I have to give up control. . .even if I never see her again, which looks pretty likely at the moment.”
In Search of Love Page 13
