Duncan occupied the rug just outside my tub as I stepped out of it. He wouldn’t move either. He was stubborn like that. He purred and stretched farther as if it were an inconvenience for me to step over him.
Damn cat.
I wrapped the navy blue towel tightly around me and secured it just above my breasts. The cool air that hit my legs sent cold chills up my spine and brought a familiar pain into my back. I’d have to up my dose of pain meds to be able to do my typical day-to-day routines, another side effect of dying.
I slammed my palms down onto the gray colored countertop and stared at my reflection in the mirror. It was a pathetic reflection. I didn’t look like myself. My dark eyes were much darker than normal, and there was something different in my skin tone. It was pale compared to before. I looked like I felt.
Sick…
Anger boiled inside me, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I had no one to talk to, no one to yell at, no one to love or no one to love me. The emptiness inside was swallowing me up.
Brushing my long brown hair away from my face was more like a chore rather than something I could remember doing because I wanted to feel beautiful. Those days were gone. Pretty soon I’d cease to exist.
I threw the brush across the room and Duncan jumped up and ran at the sound of it crashing against the wall.
I put on an old t-shirt and a pair of underwear and crawled into bed with my hair still dripping wet.
Lying there on my pillow, I thought about the days that were ahead of me.
Suddenly something clicked inside of me. I had the dumbest idea ever.
I was brilliant, and crazy, wrapped in a cancer-filled body. If there was a way to find funny in this time of anguish, this was it.
And this was pretty hilarious.
I laughed out loud which made me snort, because I have the weirdest laugh ever. It’s like a hyena and I promise it’s not pretty. But usually when I started to laugh, I couldn’t stop.
This time was no different.
Duncan stared at me from the other pillow. He was probably wondering why his mother was such a weirdo. He loves me all the same though.
“I’m going, Duncan. I’m going to find Benjamin Cooper. That’s nuts right?” I asked my cat.
It’s more nuts that you’re talking to your cat Tori.
The dumb idea might lead me on an endless search to find nothing, but I had nothing to lose. I might also meet someone that wouldn’t let me die alone.
A companion.
A friend.
Or just some man who loved my Mother, that might feel some ounce of remorse for me, and will attend my funeral, since no one else would be there.
Yep, I was officially crazy; bat shit crazy.
***
I filled my backpack with three days worth of clothing (because that was all that would fit), an old photograph of my Mom and Dad, and the letter from Benjamin. The letter had an address in Chapel Hill, which was over two hours away from me. Not too far for me to travel, unless he no longer lived there. It was 1997 so my chances were slim, but I had to start there though. I had nothing else to go off of. It would be a wild goose chase, literally.
Knock… Knock… Knock…
“Tor! Duncan!”
“Becca, why are you answering the door?” Didn’t her parents teacher her anything? I rolled my eyes. “Where’s your Mom?”
“MOM!” She screeched sending Duncan burrowing into my armpit.
“Tori,” Suzy smiled showing her crooked teeth. “What are you doing here?”
I smiled back, “I have to take a trip for a little bit and I really need someone to keep Duncan. I know it’s a lot of trouble to ask, and honestly I hate to, but I know how much Becca loves Duncan, and…”
“I don’t know,” she interrupted.
“Pweeeeease Mommy,” Becca whined tugging on Suzy’s shirttail.
“Ugh,” she groaned. “Okay.”
Thanks to Becca’s puppy dog eyes I had a home for Duncan. They didn’t know that I most likely wouldn’t be back. I squeezed his black furry body against mine and kissed the top of his head. Whispering in his ear, I told him that I loved him before handing him over into Becca’s tiny arms. She loved Duncan as much as I did so I knew that he would be well taken care of. I tried not to cry as I rubbed his little head once more, and told them goodbye.
It was my first goodbye and it wasn’t easy. Staring into those pitiful cat eyes made me almost regret the decision, but I knew that he needed a good home and someone who would love him as much as I did. I was sure going to miss that stubborn little baby. He was my only child and I’d never have another.
Once the door to their apartment was closed I took a few deep breaths. There was no turning back now.
I hailed a cab to take me to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled and I was ready to be on my way. I grabbed a couple of bottles of water, some Airheads, and a bag of munchies for my trip, and asked the cab driver to take me to the nearest bus station. I couldn’t walk for very long because I tired too easily.
Once at the bus station, I bought my ticket. I sat down on the bench under the glass covering and waited for my bus.
“Taking a trip?” A younger man asked from the bench next to me. He had an innocent face and curly hair that hung down in his eyes.
“Um, a small one I guess. I’m visiting a friend,” I replied. I tried not to sound rude, but I wasn’t much in the mood for talking. The medicine that I’d taken on the cab ride over was kicking in and I was becoming tired and grouchy. Good thing I was traveling alone. I would have been a sucky companion.
The young man obviously sensed my unease. He didn’t try talking to me anymore. I offered him a half smile but put my head back down quickly. I’d never been much of a people person. More so I was like the a hermit. Even in high school I studied alone, and never had many friends. No one close anyway. There were a few people that I talked to on occasion, but I never had the ability to connect. It was easier hiding than being the center of attention.
I never felt truly alone until my Mom passed. Before that, we were like best friends. She was the only person I’d ever truly been myself with. We were close. More than close. We had an unbreakable bond.
Or, we used to.
Once she was gone, I became even more secluded. It was just Duncan and me against the world, a world that I wanted no part of.
How ironic?
There was nothing I wanted more than the world now.
The screeching tires of the bus came to a stop before me, and a puff of white smoke clouded the air. I grabbed my things and made my way aboard finding my seat, and settling in for my road trip.
“Goodbye Duncan,” I whispered towards the bus window as we drove away.
Chapter Four
Aches and pains…
“Hey, wake up,” someone shook my arm. “Are you okay?”
My eyes came into focus and when I saw his face I jumped in fear. The same guy that had spoken to me while we were waiting for the bus was mere inches from my face. This time, I could see his eyes as his hair was pulled back into a ponytail.
Clutching my bag close to me, I inched closer to the bus window. It was then that I could feel the pain in my stomach. There was a stabbing sensation in my lower abdomen and it hurt bad enough that I had to clench my teeth.
I groaned, leaning over a little to ease the pain.
“I didn’t mean to scare you. I was sitting over there,” he pointed across the aisle, “when you cried out in your sleep. It sounded scary as hell.”
“I ugh,” I stuttered as I shied away. “I’m sorry.”
He waved his hand before saying, “It’s okay. I wasn’t sure if it was a nightmare or if you were in some kind of pain, but I can see now that you’re not feeling well. I think you might have a fever.”
My eyes widened as the back of his hand inched closer to me.
“May I? I just want to check for a fever.”
He didn’t have to check. I could feel the hea
t from behind my eyes. But for some reason, I agreed.
You know how you can just get a feeling about a person and know that you’re safe?
Me either!
“Yep, you’ve got a fever.”
“Thanks,” I said hesitantly, regretting that I’d let him touch me in any way.
“I’m Craig.” His eyebrows raised and his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Tori,” I replied. “Where are we?”
“I’m not sure exactly, but we’ve been traveling for about an hour. I’ve been mostly reading, and not paying much attention,” he admitted.
He didn’t peg me for the reading type, but who was I to judge. I probably didn’t look like the dying type.
“Thanks for waking me. I took some medicine before I got on the bus, and it made me tired.” It wasn’t a complete lie. “I don’t travel well.”
His facial expression had me confused. I couldn’t tell if he believed my half-hearted story or if he thought I was blowing smoke up his ass. My lack of people skills was hindering.
The bus driver made an announcement that we’d be stopping soon. We’d have to let some passengers off, and gain a few in the process. I didn’t feel much like riding anymore so I made the quick decision to get off when we stopped and stay the night in a motel.
Craig stretched his long arm across the aisle to grab his backpack and I used the brief moment to clench my teeth again. I didn’t want him knowing the kind of pain I was in.
The bus made a screeching noise as it rolled to a stop.
“I’ll be getting off here,” I said, lifting my bag onto my shoulder. I wanted off that bus, and on a soft cushiony bed for the night. And maybe some room service.
He smiled once more as he stood up and made his way into the aisle to let me out. It was when I stood up that I realized the pain was much worse than I thought. I began to sweat.
Maybe it was best I stayed where I was on the bus.
No.
I couldn’t do that.
“Tori,” I felt Craig’s arm just under my elbow. “You’re not okay.” His voice was stern. It wasn’t a question. The pain must’ve been written all over my face.
I just shook my head no. He was the only person that I knew, although I really didn’t know him, but I needed a helping hand.
He steadied me and eased me closer to him. “Should I take you to the hospital?”
“No,” I replied quickly. “I just need to get someplace where I can lie down.” My eyes pleaded with his big brown ones as he nodded.
I sucked in a deep breath as he pulled me to his side. He was very gentle, but there was a firmness that let me know he wouldn’t let me fall. I slipped my left hand up to his back and gripped his t-shirt for support as we slowly made our way off the bus. Each step hurt worse than the one before it. What would I have done if this boy hadn’t been there to help me?
As soon as our feet hit the blacktop he whispered to me, “I’m going to pick you up, okay?”
He didn’t leave any room for me to respond as he swiftly cradled me in his arms. I groaned and put my face into his chest. His steps were quick, but it hurt a whole lot less than when I was walking on my own.
“There is a motel just across the street. Are you okay?”
I nodded my head, but never looked up. “I’m sorry,” I said into his chest.
“It’s okay. Shh,” he responded.
It seemed like the motel was farther away than he thought, but I didn’t look up for confirmation. I’d finally found a position where it didn’t hurt too badly, so I wasn’t about to move.
He never seemed winded as he carried me, and I knew I wasn’t light. He walked at the same speed the entire time.
“I’m going to sit you down here while I go in to get you a room.”
“My credit card is in my bag.”
I hunched over as soon as my feet were back on the ground. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I hugged myself as tightly as I could. Craig had already made his way through the double glass doors of the building.
Without my credit card.
When he came back outside he handed me the key card to a room, and picked me back up.
I never felt afraid to be with him, until the door to the motel room closed behind us. The pain had been too great for me to think about anything else. It had clouded what little judgment I had. Suddenly, I thought about all the times that my Mom had told me not to talk to strangers.
It was a little late for that.
Besides, what was worse than death?
He laid me down on the bed and took a few steps back. A killer wouldn’t do that, would they?
“What?” He asked wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.
“You don’t even know me.” The words spewed from my mouth like vomit. I never had the gift of gab. “I mean, why would help me?”
“Honestly?” There was a slight hesitation in his deep voice. “You remind me a lot of my sister. You’re young and beautiful and my Mom would kill me if I didn’t take care of someone who needed it.”
The tears welled up in my eyes. His generosity and kindness were almost too much for me to handle. “Your mother would be proud,” I replied, and I meant it.
I slowly turned over to my side and watched him as he scooted a chair next to me.
“I don’t think she would.”
Gripping my stomach to ease the pain, I tried to understand what he meant. It was too hard for me to think. With my emotions running high, and the pain, I was lucky to be coherent.
“I’ve done a few things I’m not proud of.” He admitted. “Now I can’t go back home.”
I didn’t ask because it wasn’t my business.
He stood up from the chair and walked over to the window. He seemed nervous all of a sudden.
“I think the bus will be leaving soon. Will you be okay by yourself?” He asked.
“Yeah.” I hadn’t planned on having someone rescue me. “I’m going to take some more medication, and sleep it off.”
“I’ll get you some water from the bathroom. Where’s your medicine?”
“In my bag.”
He shuffled around the room quickly gathering my things. When the water cut off he came to my bedside and handed me my pill bottle and the plastic cup of faucet water.
I offered a slight smile. It was the best I could do. “Thanks,” I told him as I lie back down and shut my eyes. I didn’t want to talk anymore. I just wanted to lie there and sleep and hope like hell that the pain would be gone by the time I woke up. I also hoped I didn’t drool or snore while Craig was still in the room.
“I’m going to go now. I’m glad I met you Tori. I hope you feel better soon,” Craig spoke softly.
“Thank you for everything,” I whispered keeping my eyes closed. I didn’t stay awake to watch him go. I didn’t even hear the door close, but I didn’t care. The medicine would soon take over, and all I wanted to see was my dreams.
Chapter Five
Wanted
The clock on the hotel nightstand flashed 5:21.
“Already,” I groaned. It seemed like I’d just fallen asleep.
I rose up slowly assessing my pains, and realized with a sigh of relief that they were almost nonexistent. It was as if yesterday hadn’t happened. I knew there’d be good days and bad. I remember as much from when my Mom was sick. She’d be miserable one day and able to walk a mile the next, at least up until she was bedridden.
The early sunlight of the day was shining its warm rays across the room through the crack in the curtains. With a quick shower, I’d be ready to get back to my journey.
I took my medicine and hopped in the shower. It needed to be quick because I didn’t want to waste one single minute of my day.
While the warm water beat down on my face I closed my eyes. I thought about Craig. Though yesterday was a blur, his face kept coming back to me. He was like an angel in disguise, an angel with a man bun.
I smirked at the thought.
&nbs
p; Who’d have thought that I would make a friend on my first day of traveling? It wasn’t by choice, but I’d always remember him. I just wish I hadn’t been so sick. That way I could have thanked him better. Or at least got to talk to him more. Our meeting was brief and the whole time I was in pain.
I threw on a pair of loose fitting jogging pants and my favorite t-shirt that said – Training For A Marathon on Netflix. Sums up my life in six words.
Tossing my backpack over my shoulder, I grabbed the room key and headed for the front desk to check out. The sun was bright in my eyes and I made my way across the parking lot. A young woman was playing on her phone as I approached the desk.
“I need to check out,” I said, and she looked up. She mean mugged me like I was I intruding on her personal time.
“Room number?” She asked.
“One nineteen.”
“Here,” she said as she snatched the key from my hand. “Someone left a note for you.”
Craig. Who else could it have been?
I politely thanked the witch behind the counter before walking out.
Walking slowly back to the bus station, I unfolded the piece of paper. Scribbled on the inside was a note from Craig, just as I thought.
Tori,
I’m sorry I couldn’t stay with you to make sure you got better. I’ll be thinking of you, and I wish you well. My Mom used to say that strength is the one characteristic that can be seen in someone’s face. I see it in yours.
Get Well Soon,
Craig
All of my doubts and wonderment about him, all of the wrongful thoughts that crossed my mind, they were all wrong. I’d been on this trip for less than forty-eight hours and already learned things about myself that I never knew. Meeting Craig was just what I needed, a stepping-stone to who I truly could be.
I folded the note back up and slid it into the side pocket of my backpack while making my way inside the bus station. When it was finally my turn I asked when there would be another bus going to Chapel Hill. Unfortunately for me, it would be two days.
I Can't Die Alone Page 2
