“Sammy, I know that. I don’t want to make you think I don’t. Honestly, it’s just a little embarrassing.”
“Well, you’ve seen my every embarrassing moment, so I don’t know why that would be a problem.”
“Can I just have this?” He shook his head. “I just don’t want to share it. Okay? There’s some things that I just don’t want to share. I don’t know why that has to be a problem.”
I sighed and looked away from him. It was clear that he wanted to remain strong about this. If I pushed, he’d probably give in and tell me, but that would just prove what Erik claimed—that I was wound far too tight.
“It’s not a problem. You’re right. Obviously you didn’t want to do the bike tour, but you said that you don’t need time away from me. So maybe we can do something different? Say, hunt down that museum we missed out on yesterday?”
“The Stedelijk? I think that’s a great idea.”
“Alright, now will you let me see your nose?” He pulled his hand away to reveal a red mark. “No bruise yet.”
“I think I’ll be okay.” He smiled.
Chapter 17
Hand in hand, Max and I walked toward the museum. Even though I’d told him it was fine, my mind was spinning with curiosity. What would Max possibly need to keep from me? Was it something that I’d done? Was it something that he thought I was too uptight to understand?
I grimaced at the thought. The number one priority in my relationship with Max was honesty. I always wanted him to be able to tell me anything. Now it seemed that I’d failed at that goal. There was clearly something that he didn’t want to tell me.
When we reached the museum Max looked over at me. “You haven’t said a word. Are you sure we’re okay?”
“Always.” I kissed his cheek. “Let’s lose ourselves in some beautiful art.”
“Yes, let’s.” He smiled and opened the door for me.
The first painting we studied was a beautiful couple dancing across an opulent dance floor. Every detail was splashed with gold.
“They look like they’re having a good time.” I gazed at the painting.
“No different than us last night.”
“It looks like they’re in a palace.”
“I’m always in a palace when I’m with you.”
I turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “Really?”
“Really.” He offered a wide smile.
“Hm.” I turned back to the painting. “I’m not sure that I could ever call the container a palace.”
We moved on to the next painting. Right away I noticed that it was designed around a single focal point—a rusted abandoned bicycle on the side of the road.
“Quite poetic.”
“A piece of garbage?” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t get it.”
“Well I think maybe the artist intended to represent human life with the bicycle.”
“So why not just use a human being? I mean how is human life anything like a bicycle.”
“Well, we keep going until we can’t any more.”
“But we don’t run with chains and gears. I get what you’re saying, I just think a bicycle was a poor choice.”
“What would you choose?” I studied him intently. I tried to take every chance I had to get to know Max better.
“I don’t know—maybe a car, a vehicle of some kind. Or maybe just a rusty old human.”
“That might be a bit harsh to see.”
“But it would be the truth, right? I guess that’s why I’ve never really understood art. I prefer to be able to look at something and just understand it, instead of all these strange images that I’m supposed to be able to interpret. That’s a lot of work. If you want to represent the ebbing of human life, then just do that.”
“I’m not sure that people would want a painting like that hanging over their mantle.”
“But that’s my point.” He frowned. “Either way it’s the same message. So what’s the point of trying to make it look pretty?”
“Or maybe it’s just the bicycle.” I met his eyes. “Is that the problem?”
“What? Why would it be?”
I wagged a finger at him. “I’m getting to the bottom of things. First, you didn’t want to go on the bicycle tour, now you’re getting all annoyed by a painting of a bicycle. What is going on, Max?”
“I thought you said you were going to let this go?” He sighed and stepped away from the painting.
“I did. But it doesn’t seem to me that you’re letting it go. What’s bothering you?”
“I knew that you wouldn’t be able to drop this.”
“I’m sorry. I just can’t. I know that something has you upset and I just want to know what it is. We always work through everything together. Is it such a bad thing that I want to work through this together too?”
“What if there isn’t a way to work through it? What if the only thing I can do is learn to live with it?”
The question horrified me. What was it that Max thought he had to learn to live with? It seemed to me that the only thing that had changed was our marriage.
“Max, is it something about me? Because I can change.”
He sighed heavily and shook his head. “No, it’s nothing about you, Samantha. Not at all. I wish you wouldn’t always think that.”
“Then what is it?”
He grabbed me by the elbow and steered me off to the side. We sat down on a small bench.
Chapter 18
Max took a deep breath. “Okay, the truth is that you’re right as usual. It is about the bikes.”
“What is it? Do you have some kind of rash?” I scrunched up my nose.
“No, I don’t have a rash.” He rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to admit this, but I’m afraid to ride a bike.”
I stared at him for a long moment. “What are you talking about? We’ve gone biking together before.”
“I know. But there was an incident.”
“An incident?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes. It happened back when you were occupied with the book. Remember, I went on that bike race?”
“Yes. You said you had a good time.”
“Well, that wasn’t the entire truth.” He looked down at his feet and then back up at me. “You were just so stressed with the book stuff, and nothing really happened, so I didn’t want to worry you.”
“Max, what is it? What happened?”
“I had a close call with a car. I wasn’t hit, or hurt, but when I saw it coming straight at me, I was terrified.” He sighed and rubbed a hand along his chin. “At first, I thought I was just taking a break—that I’d be able to get back to riding when I had the chance. But the next time I tried to get on the bike, I couldn’t do it. I just kept seeing that car.”
“Oh Max, this is so great!” I clapped my hands.
“Huh?” His eyes widened. “What’s so great about it, Sammy?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re right, there isn’t anything great about you being scared. But what is great about it is that I will get to help you with something. You’re always the one standing by me and helping me through a crisis. Now I get to help you.” I smiled. “That’s something I am excited about.”
“No, there’s no need. It’s not a crisis. It’s just a personal preference. I don’t want to ride bikes any more, so I won’t.” He shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. “There’s not really anything more to say about it, I don’t think.”
“Oh, Max, don’t be like that. Think of all of the times I wanted to do things and was too scared. You helped me through that fear.” I tugged one of his hands out of his pocket and held it in my own.
“There’s a difference here, Sammy. I don’t want to do it. I don’t need to. I’m perfectly fine moving on with my life, with this one little thing that I can’t do.”
“Max, we’re here in Amsterdam. Everyone rides a bike. It’s the safest place you’re ever going to get back on a bike. Why not just tr
y?” I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Giving up on something you enjoyed just because you’re a little afraid is not a good thing to do.”
“It’s not a big deal, Sammy. Why are you trying to turn it into one?”
“Because it is a big deal, Max. Giving in to fear is a huge deal.”
“Stop.” He sighed. “You’re blowing this out of proportion. I’m just not going to ride a bike—what?”
“It’s not about the bike, Max.” I bit into my bottom lip. From the edgy way he was looking at me and the tension in his jaw it was easy for me to assume that he was upset. I didn’t want to make him feel any worse.
“If I’d given into my fear, we would not even be together, Max. Giving in to fear is a very dangerous thing. After everything that you’ve done for me, please let me do this one thing for you. I know if you let me, I can help you through this.”
He grimaced. “It really means a lot to you, hm?”
“More than you could ever know.” I clasped my hands together and looked into his eyes.
“I’ll try, Sammy. That’s all I can promise. I’m not sure that I can do it, but for you, I will try.”
“That’s all I’m asking.” I gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “We’ll go tomorrow, in the morning before the book signing. There will be less traffic and plenty of space for us to overcome that fear of yours.”
“I believe you.” He laughed a little. “It’s funny. I never thought I’d believe it. But when you say that you’ll get me through this, I truly do believe you.”
As we continued through the rest of the museum, my mind churned with excitement. Not only did Max open up to me, but now I knew a way that I could help him. I was sure it wouldn’t take much to get him back on the bike again.
Chapter 19
Early the next morning I tried to get out of bed without waking Max. I wanted a few minutes to meditate before we went out on our bike riding expedition. As I tried to crawl over him, not waking him seemed to be impossible. There just wasn’t enough room. My foot slid on the sheets and I ended up straddled across him.
“Wow, what a way to wake up.” He grinned.
“Ha, ha. I’m stuck.” I pouted.
“Just roll off, I’ll catch you.”
“No, I’m really stuck. Look.” I pointed to my foot, crammed between the bed and the wall.
“Ah, so you’re my captive?” He reached out and tickled my stomach.
“Max!” I squealed and managed to get my foot free. When I rolled off Max, he was too busy trying to tickle me to remember to catch me. I ended up in a pile on the floor. “Ouch.”
“Sorry!” Max jumped up and helped me to my feet. “I didn’t think you’d launch off like that without a warning.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay, really. This just makes us even for the tablet incident.”
“Good point.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Are you sure we have to get up? Maybe we should just sleep in for a bit. We might never get to sleep in a bed this small again. It gives me plenty of excuse to snuggle.” He held out his hand to me.
I grabbed it and smirked. “Oh no, you’re not getting out of this one. We’re going to overcome that fear today. Plus, you never need an excuse to snuggle.”
I tugged on his hand hard until he sat up.
“Alright, alright, I’ll give it a try.” He grabbed some clothes. “I’ll go change in the bathroom so you’ll have room to change. Just try not to hurt yourself.”
I would have laughed if it weren’t a valid warning. Once Max left, I pulled on some athletic pants and a loose t-shirt. I was prepared to do whatever it took to get him back on a bicycle.
I stepped out the door and found Max just outside.
“Ready?”
“Not really.” He crossed his arms. “Are you sure that I can’t talk you out of this?”
“I’m sure. Just give it a chance, Max. If it’s not me, who will it be?”
“No one. That’s kind of the point.”
“Ha, ha.” I grinned.
We didn’t have to walk far to find a shop that rented bicycles. As we looked through the options, I noticed Max could barely keep his hands still. When he saw me looking in his direction, he shoved his hands deep into his pockets.
“What do you think, Max?”
“I don’t know—you pick one.”
“I really think you should pick your own. Maybe a smaller bicycle that you can feel you have more control over. Or something in a neutral color?”
“Sammy, it doesn’t matter which bicycle it is. I’m not going to feel safe getting on it. What are you going to do? Hold on to the back and run me down the street?” He laughed. “I’m sorry. I just don’t think this is going to work.”
I wanted to argue his point, but it was a good one. I couldn’t exactly assure him that he would be safe when he would be out of my control. Just when I thought I should give up and let Max give in to his fear, I noticed the perfect bicycle.
“That’s it!” I pointed to a tandem bicycle leaning against the wall. “It’s perfect!”
“Are you kidding? It’s huge.”
“That’s because it’s a bicycle built for two. Max, I’ll be with you the entire time. That should help with your fear.”
The owner walked over to us. “How can I help you?”
“We’d like to rent this bike.” I pointed it out to him.
“Oh, that bike?” He shook his head. “No, I don’t think that’s the right bike for you. Two separate bikes would be better.”
“Really, we have to have this one. You see, my husband—”
Max cleared his throat. I realized that he probably didn’t want me telling this stranger about his bicycle phobia. “—We just want to have a good day together. This would be so romantic.” I smiled. “Please?”
The owner looked between the two of us. “You’re not going to go too far?”
“No, just an easy ride—probably through the park.”
He frowned. “I really shouldn’t.”
“Oh, please do. I really would like to try this out.”
Finally he nodded. “Alright, you can take the bike. Let me just get the paperwork.”
As he walked away, I turned to face Max and clapped my hands. “Yes! In no time at all you’re going to be having a great time on a bike again.”
“Sammy, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but I hope you won’t be too disappointed if things don’t turn out the way that you want them to.”
“I’m going to be fine, Max. As long as you’re willing to try, that’s all that matters. Even if we’re only on the bike for two minutes, that’s a start.”
“It might be one minute.” Max cringed.
I signed the papers that the owner offered me, then smiled at Max. “Don’t worry, you’re going to love this.”
I wheeled the tandem bicycle out of the shop and out onto the street. “We’ll start off in the park so there’s nothing to spook you.”
When we entered the park there were many other bikers on the paths. Some were riding just as fast as cars. I looked around for a more isolated area.
“Here we go, this is a good place. I’ll get on first so that I can hold the bicycle steady. Then you can get on next.”
“Sammy, I think this is a bad idea.” Max wiped his hands along his jeans.
I mounted the front seat of the bicycle and looked over at him. “It’s only scary until you’re on the bike again. Then it won’t seem so bad.”
He looked at me with doubt in his eyes, but he climbed onto the back seat of the bicycle.
With very easy movements we practiced pedaling just a few feet before stopping.
“It’s pretty wobbly.” Max frowned.
“It will get easier as we go faster.”
“Faster? I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Have faith, Max—faith!”
After a few rounds in the park, I slowed the bicycle to a stop. “How are you feeling, Max?”
“Pret
ty good.” He smiled. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I mean, I can’t complain about the view.”
“Yes, this park is pretty, isn’t it?”
“That’s not the view I’m talking about.” He laughed.
I looked over my shoulder and realized what he referring to. “Oh, very sweet, Max. Now let’s take this ride out onto the road.”
“The road? Are you sure?”
“We’ll be fine.”
Chapter 20
I steered the bicycle out of the park and onto one of the main roads. In Amsterdam, bicycles had the right of way, and since there were so many, riding on the road seemed safe. Once we got the right pattern going with our pedaling we began to fly down the road.
Max was quiet behind me. I didn’t like that I couldn’t see his face, but I thought he would be more comfortable in the back. As we rode further along the road there were many sights to see. I slowed down to look at some of the architecture of the old stacked buildings.
“How are you doing back there, Max?” I took a look over my shoulder.
“Sammy! Eyes on the road!”
The brief glimpse I’d gotten of Max revealed to me that his skin was quite pale and his hands were curled around the handlebars very tightly.
“Don’t worry, I’m going to take good care of you, Max. Nothing bad is going to happen.”
I continued to pedal, only a little bit faster. I wanted him to feel the wind as it blew through his hair. I wanted him to experience that sensation of weightlessness that came with a good coast on a bicycle.
The faster I pedaled, the narrower the road seemed to become. I tried to slow down a little but we were on a hill. As my heart began to pound faster, I realized that I might have been going too fast and underestimated just how much weight was on our two-person bicycle. Even though I slowed my pedaling, the bicycle still raced down the hill. It gained speed with every second that passed.
“Sammy! Too fast! You have to slow down, please!”
I could hear the strain in Max’s voice. I didn’t want him to think that anything was wrong, but something was very wrong. The brakes seemed to be doing nothing to slow us. At the bottom of the hill I thought things would calm down, but instead the bicycle continued to race forward.
Sammy in Holland (Single Wide Female Travels #3) Page 6
