by Lucy Coleman
Just before I finish for the day, Carolina appears and taps on my door.
‘I’m just a messenger here. Antero was too late for lunch with Miguel, as he was tied up with Senhor Ferreira. So, they are going for a meal after work. We are both invited.’
She looks at me expectantly.
‘I can’t, I’m afraid, but you must go,’ I reply, emphatically. I can see she isn’t convinced.
‘It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to go alone, Seren.’
‘Friends get together, and you know them both. A threesome can’t be construed as a date, can it? Please say you’ll go, or I’ll feel bad about it.’
‘Can’t you come for just an hour?’ she presses me and I can see she really wants to go.
‘That might give Miguel the wrong impression. This way the message is clear, and everyone knows where they stand. But Antero will appreciate you making the effort to join them. Go on, you’ll have fun!’
She pauses for a moment, before wishing me a good evening, and I prepare to head for the ferry terminal. I’m in no mood to socialise and I know that I wouldn’t be good company.
Checking my phone, I have two missed calls from Judi, and as soon as I get home, I give her a ring.
‘Sorry I missed you, I was still in work.’
‘Ah, I forget you can’t sneak off and take a private phone call.’
‘It’s not that,’ I chide, ‘it’s just not the done thing here. What am I missing?’
‘More of the same, but I was ringing because I was worried about you.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, you rarely text these days and we haven’t spoken for over a week now. What’s going on?’
‘Work, work and more work. I could level the same thing at you.’
‘Yes, but the last time we spoke, Seren, you mentioned a man and something about “career suicide”. Isn’t dating a client a little risky? I mean, foreign country, new job and, well… it sounds like a bit of a recipe for disaster to me.’
The last thing I need now is a lecture.
‘It’s going nowhere, so there’s no need to worry.’ Inwardly, I groan. I’d hoped that would come out sounding reassuring, but it just sounded lame.
‘Now I’m really concerned, because that means you won’t talk about it because it isn’t over. This isn’t a one-sided thing, is it?’
I sigh. ‘No. He’s genuine, but it’s complicated.’
‘Oh dear.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘You’re on the defensive, Seren, and that means one thing. You think this might be for real. I can’t even bring myself to say the word out loud: L – O – V – E. Every feeling you have, every decision you make is no longer trustworthy because you have lost the ability to be objective. Seriously, you need to sit down and think this through.’
She’s right to sound disapproving as it is a mess I could so easily have side-stepped. It wasn’t so long ago I was the one warning Judi about her own situation and look how that fizzled out. It turns out that any advice I gave her was naïve, because at that point I had no idea what it felt like to be in love. Theory is one thing, real life is another and it isn’t as simple as maintaining self-control, being practical, or even sensible.
I look up at the ceiling. Universe, I’m sorry – forgive me please, because I had no idea what I was doing. I’ll be kinder, wiser, more understanding in future, I promise.
‘Okay. You aren’t going to like this, but here goes. I know what you stand to lose, but what about him?’
Her words are devastatingly clear.
‘An ex-wife and a daughter.’
‘And are you really prepared to risk your reputation over someone you hardly know, when there’s no one around to help put you back together if it goes wrong?’
‘I know what I’m doing, and it won’t come to that,’ I assure her.
‘Can you hear yourself? That’s classic self-denial. You are so far outside of your comfort zone that you’ve lost any sense of reality, Seren. Don’t you think there was a part of me that didn’t want to let Alex go? I could have talked myself into thinking everything happens for a reason and being in therapy means his relationship is already on the rocks. But I couldn’t do that to him, or to myself. I thought you and I were on the same wavelength, but now I just want to jump on a plane to rescue you from yourself.’
The reason I love Judi to bits is because she has my best interests at heart, but on this occasion she’s wrong. I’m prepared to settle for what little I can grab before the inevitable happens. And I know Beatriz is never going to let Reid go completely. It’s obvious that he’s more likely to get where he wants to be if Beatriz is involved because of her vast network of connections. And that’s a fact.
‘I already know how this will end, Judi. I’m not under any illusions because the chances of it going anywhere are so slim. His ex-wife doesn’t seem to realise he has the right to a life of his own and he’s the sort of man who carries his responsibility like a burden. But we need each other right now, just to get us through the next phase in our lives. Is that really such a bad thing? Neither of us will hold the other back when the time comes; we’re adults, fully capable of looking at the bigger picture. And I know how it sounds, but if you met him, you’d understand.’
‘Well, I will when I fly over – won’t I?’ she replies, in a matter-of-fact way, and my stomach does an involuntary somersault.
‘Oh, he’ll probably be in London when the exhibition is on.’
‘Well, I hope not. If you are still in the same frame of mind by then, I need to meet this man and see for myself why you’re prepared to waste a few months of your life for so little in return.’
As long as I don’t let any real details slip, like a name, I can get around this, I’m sure. ‘We’re just two lonely people, enjoying each other’s company until our lives naturally move on. We both know what it’s like when the life you knew has come to an abrupt halt and you are trying to fathom out where it goes next.’
There’s a loud, ‘hmm’ echoing down the line. ‘Why can’t you choose someone without baggage? I’m sure Lisbon is full of sexy, attractive, single men looking for love.’
‘Did it occur to you that might be why I’m going for the more difficult option?’ It’s difficult not to sound a little cranky as I reply. After her angst over the situation with Alex, Judi, of all people, should understand that sometimes these things just happen. And, often, when you least expect it.
‘You mean the impossible option, there’s a difference. I’m ticking off the days until I can jet off on my rescue mission. Someone needs to get you back on track and it looks like it’s going to be me!’
The truth is that I don’t want to be saved. Well, not yet, anyway.
Before I know it, it’s Saturday morning and, sod’s law, I’m awake with the birds. I lie still for a while, but it’s hardly restful as my thoughts are churning. By chance, I found out yesterday that Antero was asked to give Tomas and Beatriz a tour of the gallery after their meeting and yet he didn’t share that with me. I’ve heard nothing, so maybe I should simply relax about it. What I do know is that Filipe is aware that the pressure is on to get the programme finalised and I assume he’s doing his utmost not to distract me. If he had any concerns, I’m sure he would express them to me sooner rather than later. I mustn’t let Beatriz get into my head, because for all I know that might be precisely what’s she’s hoping to achieve.
Instead of weekly video meetings, Carolina is now sending out an update via email to Reid, Rafael and Bernadette. It keeps everyone up to speed on the progress and any new developments. The big news we were able to share yesterday is that Yolanda Abreu’s first album will be the backing music to accompany the fashion shoot on the night. And that Reid will be doing the voice-over for the edited version that will be screened in the gallery to accompany the formal exhibition. Rafael has gone quiet, so we’re all hopeful that he’s satisfied with the arrangements we have in place.
&n
bsp; We are in the lull period now, where it’s all about behind-the-scenes organisational stuff. The next big milestone will be when we take delivery of the first costume sample and give it a test run.
After a quick shower, I head out to the workshop. It’s too early to start banging around, but I can sit quietly on the old wooden stool and continue cutting the petal-shaped feathers by hand. I’ve decided my kestrel isn’t going to be a big bird, so the framework for his wingspan is only sixty centimetres across. However, the hollow metal box I discarded and set down in the corner of the workshop will become his launchpad. He’ll sit on top of a single rod of metal, tilted on an angle, as if he’s in flight.
The photo I took of Reid’s painting is pinned to the wall in front of me and whenever I look up at it, I smile. What I love about his work is the simplicity of his style. He doesn’t draw every single line, so it’s as much about what he leaves out as what he chooses to put in. The way he then applies the watercolours with a delicate touch makes something one-dimensional come alive with depth and feeling. It’s also clear that he is inspired by his father, because there is an architectural quality to the way he structures his work. Reid’s mind is orderly, precise.
Two hours later and it’s time for a break. I know Maria’s kitchen door will be open by now and she’ll be wondering where I am. As I step out into the courtyard, she’s sitting at the little tiled bistro table and greets me with a cheery ‘Bom dia, Seren’ as I take the seat alongside her. She immediately heads inside and returns with a mug of coffee for me.
‘It’s another glorious start to the weekend, Maria. This coffee is very welcome this morning, I’ve been in the workshop since five a.m.’
‘I did wonder. And you are doing well?’
‘I’m good, thank you. How are the family?’
‘Good. Rachel has a new boyfriend. She brought him home to meet me on Tuesday. He came to lunch.’
It’s difficult to tell from her expression how she feels about that. I have no idea when her son died, or how long Rachel, her daughter-in-law, and her grandson have lived with her. Rachel is easy to talk to and was very helpful when I first arrived. But she works two part-time jobs and our chats are usually fleeting, as we pass each other coming and going. On the occasions Maria invites me inside and Rachel is there, we usually talk about her family back in the UK, or how I’m settling in; never about her husband. Luis is usually around, so it’s difficult to tell whether Rachel is being diplomatic out of respect for Maria or her son. I suspect it’s Maria. It does make me wonder how Maria will cope, all alone in that big house, if they move out. They are the centre of her world.
‘Are they a good match?’ I ask, knowing that Maria isn’t the sort of woman to begrudge anyone their happiness.
Maria nods, a look of acceptance creeping over her face. ‘Yes, so it seems. I am content, but hope he understands what a lucky man he is.’
Her concern is only natural, given the circumstances.
‘Everyone needs somebody,’ Maria explains. ‘But opening up one’s heart to someone is always a risk. The pain of loss can last a lifetime. One loss is too much, another loss would be disastrous.’
As a mother it must be heart-breaking to support one’s family through a tragedy from which you may never recover. How do you go on when a part of you is missing forever? And now this marks a new stage that only serves to remind Maria of her loss.
‘It is easier for you now? You have friends?’ she asks. Maria is worried about me and I’m touched.
‘Yes. I have grown close with two of the people I work with – you’ve met Carolina. One lunchtime this week, she took me to see the Padrão dos Descobrimentos.’
‘It is a long time since I visited. It is good, though, to honour the past. But you have another friend, too, who visits? That makes you happy?’
It’s obvious that Maria spotted Reid. Whether it was arriving late at night, or leaving early the next morning, it looks like what it is, and I can’t hide that.
‘It does. I am sorry if it disturbed you. My friend had a problem and needed someone to talk to.’
‘Is no problem. But if anything goes wrong you can always knock on my door, Seren.’
I know that Maria is simply looking out for me, and I suppose I’d be concerned if the situation was reversed and I saw a stranger going into Maria’s house late at night when I knew she was there alone. ‘Thank you, Maria. He is a good man and someone I trust, who has been kind enough to help me. But life isn’t easy for him right now.’
She looks at me, the corners of her mouth turning down as she nods. ‘There is so much unhappiness in this world. People have forgotten how to live simply and to be kind to each other. Aqui se faz, aqui se paga.’
I look at her apologetically, as the phrase means nothing to me, and she shrugs her shoulders. Grabbing the phone from my pocket, I type it in. The literal translation is here it is done, here it is paid.
‘I think I understand. We say you reap what you sow.’
It’s Maria’s turn to look vague.
‘Karma?’
She smiles, nodding. ‘Sim, carma!’
Luis appears in the doorway just as my phone pings. I ignore it as he calls out, ‘Bom dia, Seren.’
I give him a friendly wave and there’s a quick exchange between him and Maria. She smiles across at him fondly, before easing herself up off the chair.
‘He is hungry, Luis is always hungry and that’s good. I like to cook,’ she laughs. ‘You come for breakfast?’
‘No. But thank you. I have work to do.’
She leans over to place her hand over mine, as it lays on the table. ‘Até logo.’
‘Yes, see you later, Maria. Obrigada!’
Glancing at my phone, it’s a text from Reid, but I wait until I’m back inside to read it.
I was going to suggest we meet up, but Beatriz has just phoned. Ana is coming to spend the weekend with me. I’m picking her up from the station at lunchtime. I’m sorry.
He shouldn’t be apologising to me for grabbing some quality time with his daughter.
Don’t be. Enjoy your time together. It’s what you both need. I’m happy for you.
And I am. It’s a good sign that she’s reaching out to him so soon.
It’s a big step forward. Are you working on your newest sculpture?
I am. I’ll be cutting and shaping little metal discs all weekend. It’s a labour of love.
It’s going to be a gift for Reid when it’s finished.
I’m hoping you are free next weekend. How do you fancy a two-night stay at the beach?
A weekend away together with no worries about who might be watching. Bliss.
Of course, I’m free! It sounds perfect.
It will be, I promise. Speak soon.
This isn’t just good news, it’s brilliant news, I reflect as I head into the kitchen to grab something to eat. Any doubts I had about Beatriz wanting to meddle are beginning to fade fast. To encourage Reid and Ana to spend quality time alone together, when she could so easily have driven Ana there and invited herself along, is thoughtful. I wonder whether her attitude is beginning to change, as she begins to see that Reid has the ability to calm Ana down.
Maria’s words echo around inside my head. Was I being suspicious because I’m a little jealous of Beatriz? She will always be a part of Reid’s life and she’s a force of nature. Anyone can see that. But a weekend away with Reid is something I can grab onto, a memory I’ll have forever. I know he isn’t mine, but a little piece of him will be for a short while and that’s all I can realistically expect.
The fact is, Reid’s long-term ambitions and my own bear no resemblance at all. The very things that made me loathe my old life are the reasons why Reid needs a woman like Beatriz in his. His dream to start up an art gallery and run art classes requires capital, and a lot of it. And if it goes well, I’m sure it will be very profitable and allow him to step away from the constant demands to attend parties and exhibitions in order to se
ll his work. He’ll be going back to basics and doing what makes him happy.
As for me? Well, I don’t always want to live to work. Once I’m financially stable and, yes, proven to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to, then I intend to work to live, quite literally. And that’s what sets our dreams apart. Reid is intent on building an empire and I’m doing what I must so I can ultimately set myself free. But if what I feel for him is truly love, then it’s not wrong to grab a little happiness along the way, surely. The fear is that I might never feel like this with anyone ever again. Will I then regret not having taken the time to enjoy every single moment we have together?
I have this mental picture of me in years to come, slopping around in leggings and T-shirts, my collection of sculptures turning the garden of my home into a gallery of its own. I may even be lucky enough to sell a few pieces, but if not, I’ll get a little job working just enough hours to pay the bills. I’m quite content becoming the single woman that no one in the village really understands and who is regarded by her neighbours as eccentric. The woman who decided that a handful of golden memories can sometimes be more fulfilling than a life spent with the wrong someone.
As I pour my passion into what I create, I console myself with the thought that I will think back on this time in my life with fondness. But I hope I’ll also feel proud of the fact that I had the courage to do what felt right for me. I’ve seen what happens to couples when one person gives and the other constantly takes. All it causes is constant heartache and that’s no way to live your life.
Each month I’m here my savings grow and I can’t wait for the day when I have enough to buy my own little place somewhere fairly close to the city. But today I have metalwork to form while I patiently await the opportunity to make another precious memory with Reid. It’s taken me a long time to finally understand what it means to live in the moment.
