by Naomi Thomas
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Dedications and Thank Yous
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Copyright
About the Publisher
Chapter One
New Year’s Eve 2009 was fast approaching. I was 26, and I worked and partied – hard! My first marriage had come to an end, and although my husband and I had separated amicably, I had been with him since the age of 16 and it had been a shock to the system to be on my own. You could say I was making up for lost time! Workwise, I loved my job. I was employed by Exeter City Council to run holiday play schemes for children from deprived areas of the city; it was one of the most rewarding jobs I had ever had, and I loved the kids and my colleagues. I was also working part time running my own business as a wedding planner, as well as assisting local venues as their in-house planner. Holding down two jobs was tiring, but I loved every moment – I felt as if life couldn’t have been any better, and I wanted to celebrate.
I discovered that my favourite DJ was playing at my local haunt and immediately made plans to see in the New Year with my friends and beloved music. The evening was an absolute blast! As with every New Year, I decided it was about time I changed a few things – I wanted to leave the past behind me, and to be happy in my own company. I had become a real gym junkie in 2008 and was hoping to continue the hard work by completing some charity fun runs and training for the London Marathon. I had lost over a stone and was starting to feel much more confident about myself. As 2010 began, I finally felt in control of my life. Little did I know that it wouldn’t last long!
My New Year’s resolutions started off well, although they began to dwindle as January came to an end. I was still feeling a little dented from the end of my marriage and discovered that a very old friend of mine seemed to be going through something similar. Graham and I had known each other since we were about 14 or 15, when he worked in the local pub that I used to frequent, back when I looked much older than I was. He had a real presence when he arrived at the bar on a Saturday night; everyone would be shaking his hand and patting him on the back when he walked in, fashionably late! Although I can’t say I fancied him then there was certainly something about him, and when we became friends on Facebook I noticed that he had definitely improved with age! As Graham had a girlfriend, I had never thought any more of it, but now that his Facebook status suggested it was over I decided to take the plunge and message him.
Graham responded almost immediately, confirming that they had indeed broken up that week. This was my chance! Three days of flirty text messages and phone calls followed, and we agreed to meet up at 2pm on Monday 26 January – a date I remember so well. I was nervous and spent ages figuring out what to wear. Graham had suggested that we could go for a walk, so my outfit needed to be sexy, yet comfortable and practical. Eventually I chose a pair of skinny jeans and boots with a comfy jumper, and drove to Graham’s house. Luckily I found it easily, and was immediately impressed by the beautiful cottage that I saw before me; quirky and well kept, with bags of Somerset character.
I walked up the short path and closed the gate behind me. The front door opened sharply; Graham had been waiting on the other side, having watched me getting out of my car through his window – talk about keen! The cottage was as beautiful inside as out, impeccably clean and with a wood burner to warm us.
We decided to go for a walk in the woods nearby and jumped into Graham’s gorgeous BMW Convertible to whisk us there. As we walked our hands kept brushing against each other, but neither of us knew what to do about it! I knew right away that I really liked him. It was so easy to chat to him and we talked freely, discussing the people we knew, what we’d been up to since school, and our memories from the time when we’d known each other. He made me laugh and was a proper gentleman; not the sort of guy that I’d normally have gone for! The afternoon was lovely and we went back to his for a hot chocolate and a sit-down with a film. Graham put his arm around me and we snuggled on the sofa to watch it; it was the perfect end to a brilliant first date.
Over the next few days the West Country was hit by some of the worst snow that any of us had seen for some time, making travelling almost impossible. The thought of being snowed in alone filled me with dread. I rang Graham to see what the snow was like near him. When he replied that it was pretty awful there too, I informed him that I was dropping everything and heading over!
The roads were the worst I’d ever seen, and just as I was making my way round the last corner before Graham’s house, the car skidded and I came to a stop right in the middle of a junction. Dressed in my wellies and thick winter coat I walked the last hundred yards or so to Graham’s house. He and his neighbour hurried off to rescue my car with a shovel, and once it was safely parked outside the house Graham and I made our way inside for what turned out to be five days of being snowed in together. We had the most amazing time, larking about in the fresh white snow, watching films together, and getting to know each other.
I already knew that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Chapter Two
Over the next few weeks Graham and I saw each other at every opportunity. It all felt too good to be true – I was falling for him in a big way, and quickly. At that time I was due to go on holiday with my family to celebrate my dad’s 60th birthday but the thought of spending time away from Graham was almost too much to bear.
One morning I was taking a bath when I found a strange lump in my right breast. It was the size of a pea, and definitely not something I had felt before. I had undergone breast reduction surgery three years previously and was at first quite certain that it was related – perhaps a stitch that had not dissolved properly, or a lump of scar tissue. On closer inspection, though, I realised that the lump was in an area that hadn’t been stitched. In that moment, and without any idea why, I was very concerned.
I made a mental note to call the doctor as soon as the surgery opened on Monday morning. The lump played on my mind all day though so, when I got home that evening, I texted Graham in the hopes of offloading some of my worry. His auntie had died of breast cancer and he had previously been involved with a girl who had sadly died from ovarian cancer, so he quite rightly insisted that I get everything checked out just to be safe.
As soon as I could, I made myself a doctor’s appointment and headed to the surgery with trepidation. My GP was a lovely man, and, although he was endlessly reassuring, he took the lump seriously, advising me to monitor it for a week in case it was connected to my monthly cycle or other hormonal changes. If it was still there the following week I was to return without delay and I’d be referred for further tests.
Later that week I was due to fly to Goa for my dad’s birthday trip. While I knew I was going to miss Graham terribly, I knew it would be good to have a distraction from my worry. I hadn’t told anyone else about the lump – it seemed unnecessary to worry them in the run up to our holiday.
The first day of our holiday arrived. The thought of leaving Graham was gut-wrenching – we had been t
ogether just seven weeks, but our feet hadn’t yet had time to touch the ground. We were falling head over heels in love with each other at breakneck speed.
With my dad’s celebrations and thoughts of Graham whizzing through my mind I reluctantly boarded the plane. During the holiday Graham and I kept in constant contact with each other, but it was hard not having him there with me – especially as he was the only one who knew about my lump. I eventually confided in my mum and her friend, and they did their best to reassure me despite their concern. Mum’s best friend’s son was battling cancer at the time and, aged just 40, the prognosis didn’t look good at all for him. It was so hard to see someone we cared about facing such a terrible illness.
That week couldn’t go quickly enough, and I was beside myself with excitement as we headed home. I couldn’t wait to touch down in Gatwick, and rang Graham as soon as we landed. We promised that we would never spend a moment away from each other again – it was all very dramatic, but felt so right. Bright and early the next day, I headed for Graham’s – he had just moved and I couldn’t wait to be his first houseguest. Seeing him again was fantastic and I realised there and then that I never wanted to be away from this man again. He looked more gorgeous than ever and we couldn’t stop holding each other.
That afternoon we headed into town. Graham had some errands to run and we decided to enjoy lunch together while we were out. I remember that afternoon as though it were yesterday; we walked through Exeter’s main shopping centre, holding hands and chatting, until suddenly Graham stopped.
‘I need to go in there,’ he said, pointing in the direction of a jewellers’ shop on the High Street. I asked him what he needed to go in there for and he began to look nervous.
‘A ring.’ My mind started racing.
‘A ring? What sort of ring?’
‘An engagement ring.’ It took a moment for Graham’s words to sink in, yet nothing before had ever felt so right. So we went into the jewellers, hand in hand, and chose a beautiful engagement ring. In that moment I couldn’t have been happier – we were on cloud nine, and I finally felt as if my life was heading in the right direction.
Chapter Three
Two days after Graham had proposed, we decided to go and have a look around a few wedding dress shops; I just couldn’t help myself! We wanted to get married as soon as possible and, although I am a traditionalist in many ways, I’ve always believed that the groom’s opinion is important when choosing a wedding dress. After all, it was Graham that I was trying to impress! As we browsed a rack of beautiful dresses there was a small piece of fabric that seemed to stand out from the gowns around it. Although there can’t have been more than five inches of material on show, Graham and I had both reached for the same dress. I already knew that this was The One. Trying the dress on only confirmed my suspicions; it fitted perfectly and looked absolutely stunning.
Despite all our excitement, I still had the lump in my right breast. I was due to go and see the specialist the next day and didn’t feel like we could really celebrate our engagement until we knew that it was nothing.
The day of my appointment came. I remember sitting in the waiting room with Graham and being surprised by just how many young people were there with me. You think of cancer being an old person’s disease, or something that strikes those who lead unhealthy lives, yet here we all were.
I was called into the room, and instinctively told Graham to wait outside, but the nurse was very insistent that he come in with me, and it was then that the nerves really began to creep in. We waited for the specialist to enter, becoming more and more anxious as the minutes ticked by. He was a lovely gentleman and gave me time to explain what had been going on and what I had discovered in my breast. As I sat on the couch being poked and prodded the room went eerily silent, and I couldn’t help but worry. After what seemed liked ages, the specialist explained that he wanted to take a biopsy, and I agreed; at that point I was willing to undergo any test to try and relieve the worry.
Preparing me for the biopsy, the specialist described the process in detail; usually, when a needle is inserted into a cyst, it will draw fluid. If no fluid is present, the lump could be something more sinister. It was painful as the thick needle went in, and the sound of the machine collecting its sample was like a staple gun. Graham and I held our breaths as the needle was retracted; there was no fluid.
The specialist explained that, while things weren’t looking good, he would send off the needle and biopsy sample to be completely sure. We were now faced with an agonising, week-long wait for the results. Even then, as we left the specialist’s office, I don’t think I expected the lump to be anything serious, despite having had a lifelong belief that I would one day be diagnosed with breast cancer. There was no reason for that overwhelming fear, yet it had always been there. Even so, I didn’t believe that the time was now.
The week dragged, until finally we found ourselves in that waiting room again. This time I studied the faces of those around me, absorbing their fear.
We were called into the specialist’s office and, with little time to pause for breath, he said, ‘You have HER2 positive breast cancer.’ I had no idea what that meant, and the words swam around my head. Graham and I were then ushered into another room to discuss the plan of action. At this stage the doctors didn’t know anything about my cancer – simply that I had it.
We left the room with a wealth of information to take away and digest, and a plan to return for surgery to remove the lump within the next couple of weeks. At this point I still hadn’t cried. Graham’s face was ashen with shock. We’d been together for just eight weeks and were now faced with the prospect that I could die; this wasn’t the plan.
As we left the hospital I rang my mum to deliver the news. It was only then that I broke down. I was as devastated for my family as I was for myself. We made our way to the car and I tried to be as matter-of-fact about it as I could be, joking about losing my hair. I knew that I was going to put up one heck of a fight, but was scared of what the treatment would be like. At the time I didn’t even know what chemotherapy was, other than that it made you really, really sick.
After telling my family I decided to take the huge leap of telling my friends and acquaintances through Facebook. I didn’t want to risk the awkwardness of bumping into people and having to tell them, or finding out they knew from someone else. I needed to be in control of my illness, including which people knew and how. Again I made a joke of my diagnosis, lamenting the future loss of my hair.
That night I went to bed and sobbed my heart out. I lay there and pretended to be in a coffin, wondering what it would be like and how it would feel to just slip away. Is there a heaven? Would I get to go there? After two hours or more of crying I slipped off into a deep sleep.
When I woke up the next day I decided that I had shed the last of my tears. I was determined to fight cancer with every bone in my body. Over the next few weeks I focused on enjoying life and appreciating everything around me. I spent hours playing with my hair, went on a big night out with friends for what would be the last time in a while, and planned as much as I could to make the next six months of chemotherapy as easy as possible.
Unfortunately my job with the council was no longer secure, and it looked as if I was going to be made redundant in the very near future. I wasn’t sure if this was good or bad timing! Luckily I had racked up an awful lot of owed holiday and lieu days, and hoped that the money would tide me over for a few months until I knew how hard the chemo was going to hit me. I couldn’t continue my wedding planning either, so I passed my workload onto a friend; it wouldn’t have been fair on the couples to put any less than my all into their weddings. Our own wedding was going to have to take a back seat for now, but I used the photo that Graham had taken of me in The Dress as my inspiration to keep going. I was determined to wear it one day.
My surgery went without a hitch and they removed the lump with clear margins; they were able to cut around the tumour and leave cancer-fr
ee tissue behind. The surgeons also removed nineteen of my lymph nodes. Luckily, they revealed, the disease had been contained; the doctors were happy that my cancer had not spread. At last, my first piece of good news since the diagnosis!
Chemotherapy was decided upon as the next course of action, and was due to take place over the next six months. It all seemed so overwhelming, and so fast moving. When the swelling from my operation eventually went down I was left with a concave in my right breast – yet another war wound to add to my already burgeoning collection of scars! I often joked that I looked like a completed dot-to-dot, and used humour to help me through some of my toughest days.
By now it was the end of May and Graham’s 30th birthday was fast approaching. It was going to be the first birthday we would celebrate as a couple and, although I knew he expected it to be a quiet affair, I had a few tricks up my sleeve to make it amazing for him; not least the surprise birthday party I had planned! Organising the party hadn’t been the easiest of tasks, as although I had heard all about his family members I was yet to meet many of them. However, with the help of Facebook and his mum, the invites were sent in plenty of time.
I’d decided to hold the party at Graham’s house and, while he was at work, prepared all the food and decorated his lounge with balloons, banners and streamers. I told him that I had a surprise for him; he was to go off to work as normal, taking a change of clothes with him, and then meet me on the other side of Exeter in a pub. The plan was set! As we enjoyed our drinks, members of Graham’s family and friends began to fill his house – I have no idea to this day how I managed to keep the secret.
When it was time to leave, I handed Graham a blindfold and instructed him to put it on. We set off on our journey, taking a long-winded route to try and throw him off the scent. We must have explored the whole of Exeter that night, travelling up and down roads that I never even knew existed in an attempt to disorientate Graham. Unfortunately, as we neared his house, a train sounded its horn and alerted Graham to the fact that we were nearing home; I started to panic a little. Nevertheless, I carried on up the steep hill leading to his house. He drove that road so often that he knew every lump and dip; I was sure he was onto me.
