by Fiona Lowe
Gus shrugged. ‘I like boys more.’
‘Right,’ Sarah heard herself saying inanely as her mind creaked and groaned, trying to absorb the news. ‘Okay. Thank you for telling us.’
‘Mum, you sound like you’re talking to a customer.’
‘I’m sorry, darling. I’m—it’s—you’ve caught me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting that. But sweetheart, you know it doesn’t change a thing, right? You’re my son. You’re my Gus and I love you so much it hurts.’
‘And you’re sure you’re gay?’ Alex asked tentatively.
‘Yeah, Dad.’ Gus sighed. ‘I’ve known for a while. At first it scared me and I just concentrated on playing footy. Then I met Jack and you know … It wasn’t scary any more.’
‘And that’s why you did Sweet Charity and joined the band?’
‘Yeah. It makes it easier to see him. But I love footy. I want to keep playing and I want a shot at the Rangers and selection, but you know what the guys can be like. I didn’t want to tell anyone. And I didn’t have to. Everyone thinks Jack and me are just mates.’
His beautiful brown eyes implored them to understand. ‘And then the band played a lunchtime concert and Jack and I stayed back to pack up. I made some dumb joke and he high-fived me, ’cept he held my hand for like a nanosecond. Mason walked past and saw it. He said he was going tell everyone we’re fags.’
‘He really is a cunt.’ Alex’s jaw tightened. ‘It’s not his story to tell.’
Gus visibly relaxed. ‘Yeah, I know. That’s why I hit him.’
Alex lurched to his feet and walked around the table to Gus, pulling him to his feet and hugging him. ‘I don’t love that you hit him, but I love you.’
Sarah blew her nose, stood up and went to the freezer for the ice-creams she’d bought for dessert. She lifted out the box and for one horrified moment she stared at it. A strangled sound escaped and then she giggled. It quickly morphed into a full-scale belly laugh until tears rolled down her cheeks, her ribs ached and she was left gasping for breath.
‘You right there?’ Alex asked, sounding mystified.
But every time she tried to speak, to explain, she laughed harder. Finally, sliding to the floor, she shoved the ice-creams at them.
‘Golden Gaytimes.’ Gus laughed and hugged her. ‘Good one, Mum.’
Later, after they’d eaten their ice-creams, she and Alex flanked Gus on the couch.
‘So about mediation …’
Gus stared at his feet. ‘I’m going to have to tell them I’m gay, aren’t I?’
‘Only if you want to,’ Alex said. ‘Listen, mate, I don’t have a problem with you being gay, but I do have a problem with you being forced to come out earlier than you want to. You said you’d kept quiet because you want to play footy. If you want to play footy without coming out then you should be able to do that. If you want to play footy as a gay bloke, then you should be able to do that. Either way, we’ll support you.’
‘I can organise Mingunyah’s first gay pride match,’ Sarah said. ‘I mean they’ve coped with sharing the club rooms with the women’s footy, they can surely deal with this.’ But even as she said it, she knew it was going to be a lot harder than it sounded.
‘I don’t know what to do. No one at school likes Mason much, so even if he tells people, I doubt they’d believe him. Jack hasn’t told his parents about being gay or about me.’
‘Does Jack want to come out?’
‘Maybe. I dunno. It sucks that it’s this hard. If I was dating Ebony, no one would care.’
‘Darling, I think you have to do what feels best for you.’
‘I don’t want to hurt Jack.’
Sarah looked to Alex, who gave a ‘fucked if I know’ shrug. ‘How about we prioritise? The first thing we need to deal with is the mediation. They’re looking for an apology that you broke Mason’s nose and signs of remorse. The fact that he was a prick won’t make a lot of difference, because in a civilised society we’re not supposed to hit people. I’m happy for you to blame me for upending your life. You can say the stress and worry your parents caused you by separating made you hit him. That takes the pressure off about making a decision whether or not to go public about being gay.’
‘Yeah, I agree. Blame your parents,’ Alex said with a wink before sobering. ‘It gives you breathing space. I’m sure us yelling at each other didn’t help. In fact, your mum and I got into trouble from Mrs Darcas, so she’s pretty much expecting you to say you were hurt and confused.’
‘But if you want to say you’re gay, that’s fine too. It’s your decision and we’re guided by you. If you want to talk to Mrs Darcas about it, we’ve got that appointment on Tuesday before mediation.’
Gus was silent for a moment. ‘I’ll think about it. Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Dad.’ He stood up. ‘Don’t tell Finn or Em, okay? I want to do that.’
‘Of course,’ Sarah said. ‘But can you tell us when you’ve told them so we know?’
‘Yeah.’ He shuffled his feet. ‘Can I go and see Jack?’
Sarah glanced at Alex, who nodded. ‘Only if his parents are okay with it. Sunday night is often family time.’
‘I’ll find out.’ Gus whipped out his phone. In less than a minute he said, ‘All good.’
‘It’s a Riverbend night,’ Alex said as Gus ran for the door. ‘I’ll pick you up from Jack’s at nine, mate. No arguments.’
‘Love you, Dad.’ And he was out the door.
When the sounds of Gus’s size eleven feet faded on the stairs, Alex asked, ‘Do you want a cup of tea or something stronger?’
‘I think I need the comfort of very rich and creamy hot chocolate.’
‘Good idea.’
He frothed the milk while she melted the chocolate and for a few minutes they shared a companionable and contemplative silence.
‘Did you have any idea at all?’ Alex asked when they’d sat down at the table cupping their mugs with both hands, needing the soothing warmth.
‘Not a clue. I read once somewhere that a mother’s supposed to know. He’s hardly flamboyant and as we’ve learned, he can pack a solid right hook.’
Alex smiled faintly. ‘Yeah. Normally it’s the gay kid who gets beaten up.’
‘See, he’s already breaking stereotypes,’ she quipped, trying to work through her shock. ‘I hate that his life is going to be harder.’
‘I don’t even want to think about gay sex,’ Alex said with a shudder.
‘Let’s not jump the gun. So far, his first love sounds pretty sweet and innocent. We’ll do what we did with Finn. Sit him down, embarrass the hell out of him by giving him the condom talk and a starter pack, then hope like hell he has sex later rather than sooner.’
‘Yeah.’ Alex still looked a bit green. ‘I guess you’re right.’
‘And don’t think about it. I mean, gay or straight, no one’s ever comfortable thinking about other people having sex.’ The words were out of her mouth before she realised their full significance.
Alex’s resigned expression said it all.
Shame burned her and she rushed to change the subject. ‘Mum said something before she had her big stroke. Actually, she said a lot of things I’d never heard before. I think my father might have been gay.’
‘Christ, there’s a lot of shit going down in your family.’
‘You have no idea. But in the scheme of things, Dad being gay is on the more palatable end of the secrets scale. Oh, Alex.’ She gripped her mug so tightly her knuckles gleamed white. ‘Mum had a long-time affair with Robert Horton and they did terrible things to Ellie.’
The relief that flowed through her when she told him the whole sordid story—bar the one detail only she would ever know—was like a crane lifting a crushing weight off her. Suddenly, it was easier to breathe. She talked about her heartache for Ellie, her guilt at blaming her sister for her years of staying away, and her awe and pride at how Ellie had come through it, scarred but looking forward, not back.
‘You’ve been dealing w
ith all of this on your own? Shit. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you.’ Guilt and contrition backlit his eyes and then he tensed. ‘I suppose you’ve had Edmund.’
It was the first time he’d said Edmund’s name without grinding his teeth and she appreciated how hard he was working to stay neutral. ‘I didn’t tell Edmund any of it.’
‘I thought you told him everything.’ A faint hint of bitterness rolled in under his incredulity.
‘I did too.’ She tried a small, wry smile. ‘Partly, I couldn’t tell him because of Ellie, but mostly I didn’t want to tell him. It felt wrong. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things, Alex.’
‘Like what?’
She blew out a breath. ‘Where to start? When I left Riverbend I was angry and hurt and utterly poleaxed. Of all the things I might have imagined we could do to each other, you being unfaithful was never in the mix. But there was Kelly. I was reeling and Edmund was waiting in the wings just like you said. He was a balm to my battered self-esteem. He told me things I craved to hear and he offered me comfort. I didn’t think or hesitate, I just took it with both hands. It was only later, after you told me he was my friend, not yours, that I started to examine our friendship.
‘I didn’t realise he’d loved me for years but if I’m honest—and that’s been hard—I think I knew he’s always made me feel special. I just never considered how that might make you feel. I’m sorry for that.’ She cleared her throat. ‘And I’m not proud of what I’ve done to Edmund either. He’s a good man and I’ve used him to make myself feel better. I used him to try to forget you, us, this whole mess.’
She unwrapped a Lindt ball, needing the sweet solace of Swiss chocolate. ‘How could I have done that to him when I know how much he’s lost already?’
‘We’re human, Sarah. We make mistakes.’
‘And I made a colossal one. He wants a future with me, but I can’t give him that. I don’t love him enough.’
Alex’s dark eyes scanned her face intently, searching and seeking. ‘So, it’s over?’
‘Definitely over. I ended the affair the night of the funeral. He ended the friendship.’
Alex was quiet for a moment. ‘I was in the pasta aisle at the IGA the first time I overheard Stella talking to someone about you and Edmund. I was so full of rage I thought I’d explode in a ball of fire on the spot. I reckon, if I’d been the same age as Gus, I probably would have gone straight to Protea and king hit him. Instead I came at you. I regret that. I regret a lot of things.’
‘So do I.’
‘It was too easy to blame you, Sarah, for everything that wasn’t working in my life. When you accused me of having a midlife crisis, I hated you. It felt too easy a label, too glib for what I was feeling and it was too bloody clichéd. But, label or not, I was having something and it had been going on for months. I don’t know exactly when it happened but one day everything that excited me and got me up in the mornings stopped. Finn headed off to uni, Emma went to France and Gus was living and breathing footy and doing it well. They were all busy chasing their dreams and I assumed you were happy doing the whole juggling act with work, your mother, Gus.’
He smoothed the chocolate’s foil wrapper. ‘I thought I was the only one feeling disconnected from my life. It was like standing on the sidelines. I got overinvolved in Gus’s footy and cycling but nothing was in sync. All of it left me numb. It scared me. I reached a point where I’d do just about anything to feel again. One Friday night you left work drinks early and Kelly stayed back to help clear up. She handed me a beer and said, “You look sad. Are you okay?”’
Sarah’s heart twisted. ‘I should have noticed.’
He shook his head. ‘I should have told you. Instead I became the cliché I resented so much. I might have bought an Italian road bike instead of a red Ferrari but I still managed to detonate my marriage and my family.’ He looked at his hands. ‘I was stupid but when you’re floundering, there’s something incredibly powerful about having one person’s exclusive attention.’
She thought about Edmund. ‘Yes, there is.’
He looked up. ‘And we had that once.’
‘The halcyon days in France?’
‘Yeah.’ He looked desperately sad. ‘What does it say about me that I still miss young us? I know it sounds selfish and juvenile and don’t get me wrong, I love the kids. I’m just trying to explain where I was at the time …’
His anxiety battered her but without anger on either side her thoughts allowed her to try to see things from his point of view. ‘Kelly was there with her undivided attention. You didn’t have to share her with anyone.’
‘Yeah.’ He looked taken aback by her perspicacity. ‘Something like that. And I was less numb, so I thought she was the answer to fixing me. In my head, everything was clear. The three of us were going to be very adult about the whole thing. I’d move out, you’d stay at Riverbend, we’d all keep working.’
She couldn’t prevent a hysterical laugh from escaping and he shrugged. ‘I know. I was more screwed up than I thought. I believed Kelly when she said if we did things the right way it would be a civilised separation with minimal fallout. Her faith is important to her and she was turning herself inside out trying to do everything right, although God knows, what’s right when she’s part of a marriage break-up? When you moved out, she insisted we wait a few weeks before … Anyway, I’ll always be grateful to her for that.’
I never slept with Kelly. Sarah wondered if she might be grateful to the woman she’d vowed to hate as well. ‘What happened?’
‘Everything. You slept with Edmund less than a week after you left and all thoughts of civilised and amicable flew out the window. I spent days enraged. Kelly had always been able to offer me something but nothing she said touched me. When I finally cooled down, the truth was impossible to hide from. Sarah, even if you only felt half as jealous and betrayed about Kelly as I did about Edmund, then I know how much I hurt you.
‘And work. Hell, after two weeks without you in the office, I felt like half of me was missing. Finn’s right. We’re the business. No one has ideas like you. We complement each other in ways I’d never appreciated before.’ He rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Actually, that’s not true. I did know. The year after Emma was born I missed you just as much, but time suckers you into forgetting.’
‘What about outside of work?’ she asked, needing to know that their marriage was more than just a business arrangement.
‘I miss you.’ He tangled his thumbs with hers and his voice broke. ‘I miss us.’
She blinked rapidly. ‘I miss us too.’
‘I’m sorry I broke us.’
‘I did a lot of the breaking too.’ Their shared pain eddied between them. ‘Do you think we’re irreparable?’
‘I think what you said about us papering over the cracks was right. I want us to peel back the paper and use as much spackle as it takes to bring us back together. To accept our mistakes and forgive each other and find a new way to be together.’ He cleared his throat and blinked rapidly. ‘I love you, Sarah. I don’t want to live the second half of my life without you in it.’
Her heart cramped and she squeezed his hands. ‘Oh, Alex, I want this more than anything.’
‘You don’t sound absolutely certain.’
‘I need to know how we’re going to spackle.’
‘I think we’ve already started. Don’t you think since Gus’s arrest we’ve functioned the best we have in a long time?’
‘That’s parenting.’
‘Yeah, but you let me in to be part of it instead of expecting me to just follow your instructions. It’s the first time we’ve truly coparented in a long time.’
‘I’ve been trying. But what about us as a couple? You just told me how much you miss the early days when we were totally focused on us.’
‘Yeah, and we can’t leave the business and the kids and go back to France when we’re hands-on parents for a few more years yet.’
‘So we have to work o
n this. Maybe we need to regularly pretend we’re newlyweds again and do something just for us. It could be as simple as booting the kids off the couch and reclaiming the TV or organising everyone so we can get away for the occasional weekend.’
‘I picked up an application form for the film club. I thought if I plugged the dates into the calendar, then short of a disaster, we go. We could even do dinner first.’ He glanced at her as if checking for her reaction. ‘Although not at Protea.’
Remorse burned under her ribs. ‘We’re never going to be welcome there again.’
‘And that’s fine with me. Do either of us want to be reminded of how close we came to losing each other?’
She shivered. ‘No, but are you going to be okay with …?’
He grimaced. ‘Someone wise told me recently not to spend any time thinking about other people having sex.’
‘Is that papering over?’
‘I don’t think so. I accept I played a role in what happened, but what’s important to me is that you broke it off with Edmund when things were still unresolved with us. I trust you. I don’t need to know anything more than you love me more than him. That’s enough.’
‘Thank you.’ She wanted to kiss him but she knew if she did she wouldn’t want to stop and they still had some important things to discuss.
‘What about our bad habits? Me trying to do everything and you rarely telling me how you’re feeling? I won’t cope if they derail us again.’
Anguish pinched his handsome face. ‘In the last few weeks I’ve told you more about how I’ve been feeling than I’ve ever told you or anyone in my life. I admit, it’s not something that comes easy. I doubt either of my parents have ever talked about their emotions, but then again, they’re hardly great role models for marriage. They’ve got the years but not the relationship. I can see the damage not talking to you does and I want to have a closer relationship with the kids than I’ve got with my old man.
‘I’m determined to try to keep talking to you, but if you think we need professional help, then desperate times call for desperate measures.’ His mouth tweaked up on one side. ‘I’ll go to couples counselling. I’ll do whatever it takes for us to be happy.’
