by Femi Fadugba
I wanted to explode. The last four years I’d tripled as this man’s chef, cleaner and therapist. I’d literally wiped chunks of his vomit off the kitchen sink.
He would do the same for me, I’d always reminded myself. He cares.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, a tear dropping from his chin to the ground with a thud.
Poppy looked up from her hands, mascara smeared around her crystal-blue eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Rhia.’ She was shaking. ‘I know this isn’t fair. I just wish there was more we could do.’
I remembered my first one-on-one with her. I’d told her the number of foster homes I’d been through and she’d promised me (through messy tears just like these) that I would never have to find a new home again.
In the corner, Olivia had dense bags below her eyes. We were two mismatched socks that Tony and Poppy had tried on for a while. But we’d never looked quite right. We’d always been one inconvenience shy of getting chucked out. We’d just forgotten.
I knew the time for looking back and analysing – if onlys and what ifs and next times – would come soon. For now I was expected to be a good sport. That was what they always hoped for going into these chats. And so I dug deep, and found a way to serve my most lenient smile.
‘So I guess Olivia and I owe you a farewell party, then?’
Tony and Poppy exchanged glances. Olivia sank into her seat, her eyes squeezing shut.
‘Um … Plymouth Council said they could pay for one foster child. But only one.’ Tony cleared his throat before finishing. ‘So, Olivia’s staying.’
Each syllable pushed the knife deeper into my back. The room suddenly felt like it was expanding around me till I became a tiny speck. Invisible. Lost.
I should have known, I told myself. Olivia was a fighter, after all, and she’d have done whatever it took to nail down that spot. I wondered how long she’d kept it from me. All the times I’d been out playing football she’d been here on this couch, pulling away at Tony and Poppy’s hearts strings. She’d convinced them that their friendlier, prettier, simpler daughter was obviously the better pick.
Maybe she’d told them about the letter I’d got from Dr Esso, about my real mum, or any one of the million other secrets I’d locked away with her. I thought back to the countless times she’d bandied around words like ‘sister’ and ‘forever’. All the times she’d come home in pieces after one of her waste-cadet friends or flings put her down.
I was always the one to put her back together.
It was my shoulder she cried on every night. Every. Fucking. Night. Mine! And now she wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I was too angry to feel anything but hate towards her. And I couldn’t wait to get to our room, so I could tell her how I felt using words she’d never forget.
‘C-C-Care called,’ Tony continued, choking through his words. ‘They um … they said there’s a bed for you in one of the group homes nearby. They can hold it for you till Monday. And we’re gonna make sure we give you a good last Christmas weekend.’
Those two words – ‘group home’ – resuscitated something buried deep inside me. Somewhere in my DNA was the imprint of a Rhia who’d tasted that carnage and narrowly escaped it, vowing never to go back. My right eye started twitching, spasming up and down like a broken camera shutter. It was like my body wasn’t sure whether to let me see this catastrophe unfolding or to hide it from me.
It stung that, a few days ago, Olivia had asked me to turn my back on Dr Esso – the one person who could connect me to my real mum … only to now abandon me herself. It hurt that I didn’t have the strength to stay the weekend like Tony wanted, that I’d be leaving for the group home tonight, missing Christmas.
The silence hung as I crossed the room, past Tony, past Poppy, past Olivia, before stopping by the tree. The fairy lights were dancing. Virgin Mary watched me from atop in ceramic blue. The gifts I’d wrapped for them – a sharper razor for Tony, a foot massager for Poppy, a retro photo album for Olivia packed with our best hits – all rested there, untouched. As I untied my own stocking from the lowest branch, I had a thought so sad it made me smile: I’d arrived a year before Olivia. And they still chose her.
I walked out without letting a single tear drop.
My next home would have no room for that.
CHAPTER 19
Esso · Now
Mr Sweeney and I had spent the last two hours alone in the detention room, avoiding talking or looking at each other. I still couldn’t tell for sure whether I’d made the right call threatening him. Before my uncle got deported, he used to quote West African proverbs that always involved animals for some reason. One, in particular, came to mind: ‘If you have a snake in your house, open your front door and guide it out – because, if you trap it in a corner, it will leap at your throat.’ By blackmailing Sweeney, I’d left him with three choices: come for my jugular now, later or never. I’d banked on him being too moist to take the first or second options, but I couldn’t help thinking, What if I’m wrong?
Then again, what other options did I have? Penny Hill was already the roadest school in the area, so where would I go next if I got expelled? But if I ratted like Crutchley wanted me to, I’d have to bet on all the T.A.S. boys I wrote down on his snitch list either dying or becoming born-again pacifists over the weekend. Those weren’t choices. They were different-coloured tombstones. I’d won the fight with D this afternoon but couldn’t shake the feeling I’d set myself up to lose a much bigger battle due tonight.
Once the school bell rang, I left Sweeney and joined over a thousand students trying to cram their way out the school’s front doors. Out the corner of my eye, I spotted Rob and Kato snaking their way through the crowd to catch up with me.
‘Baaaaaaaaaaaaws man!’ Kato shouted, his fists muffling the chant from his mouth. ‘I ain’t never, ever seen a comeback like that in my life, bro.’
‘Is it?’ I asked. The fight felt like it happened a million years ago. I wondered if the bangs I’d taken to the head were setting in because each minute that passed made the memories harder to retrieve.
‘You were like a blur, fam. Man was left-hooking like Joshua, uppercutting like Fury. At one point, you were standing over D with blood up your sleeves, and these dark-grey-looking eyes, fam. I had to pinch myself to make sure my head-top weren’t loose.’ He stared at the ceiling in thanks. ‘I swear down, that whole lunch was too peak.’
‘You look proper mash up, though,’ Rob added.
Their comments rolled over me. I was still so lost in my thoughts I could barely register what they were saying and almost missed the fact that everyone walking past us was pointing and staring at me too. It’s funny how, when you get something you’ve always wanted, it never feels the way you expected. Nobody tells you that. How much victory collects.
Nadia walked past, gripping her backpack straps. She didn’t see us, but Kato’s eyes tracked her down the corridor while he directed his next words at me.
‘You reckon she’ll look at you now, bro? Now you’re a badman and all.’
‘What did you say?’ I was fuming. I’d heard every one of his words but wanted to give him one last chance to de-escalate before I did the opposite.
He looked me dead in the eye and, without uttering a word, grinned.
‘Fuck you,’ I said, shaking my head and walking away. It was all I could do to stop myself exploding. I was used to Kato chatting shit and throwing the odd low blow. But something about the way he’d said it this time, the look on his face. It was too far. Especially after all I’d been through, after all we’d been through.
‘It’s calm, boss.’ He lunged after me and grabbed my arm. ‘Why you being all sensitive? It was just banter.’
It wasn’t just banter. He was putting me in my place, underestimating me like everyone else had all day. And he knew it.
I spun back round to face him. ‘Was it a joke when you linked Kaylie behind my back as well?’
He dropped his gaze to the side, quietly hissing with th
at goddamn smirk still on his face. ‘Come, man, that was like three years ago –’
‘And you still ain’t apologized! I’m not letting you spoil what I got with Nadia.’
He refused to look me in the eye, but I was at his nose now, staring him up and down. Sure, he didn’t know quite how big the fire was that I’d spent the last twenty-four hours trying to put out before he’d helped splash petrol on it. But, for the first time in our five-year friendship, I finally felt like I knew everything I needed to know about him. And I was ready to share it.
‘I’ve been connecting a lot of dots today.’ I summoned the same calm gullyness I’d used on Sweeney a couple hours earlier. ‘And I realized something: every time I actually try hard at something, try to be good at anything, you’re always the first one to cuss me. Calling me a neek when I ask questions in class, always finding ways to chop me down when it comes to girls. But now I know why you do it – you need me to feel like shit so you can feel better about yourself. Because deep down inside –’ I used my finger to stab his chest – ‘you know your life ain’t worth the gum on my shoe. You’re dirt, bruv. You’re less than dirt, and you know it.’
‘It’s calm, bro,’ Rob intervened. ‘Just chill out.’
‘No!’ I shouted. ‘I’m not listening to you neither.’ I pivoted round to him. ‘At lunch I told you to stay with me. You knew what was up, you knew I needed your help, and you fucking left me.’
‘Bruv, I didn’t know D was gonna rush you like that,’ he said, sounding genuinely bent up by my accusation. ‘It’s not as deep as you’re making it out.’
‘That’s the fucking problem! Nothing’s ever deep unless you decide it is. You spend the whole time on your high horse talking down at everyone when you’re literally shit at everything. You’ve never even pretended to give a shit about anything I care about. You’re a selfish, useless waste man.’ We each stood there, like three rocks planted in a river, while the crowd flowed past.
‘Know what? I’m not having you two dragging me down any more.’ I walked away, glad that they’d have to watch me striding through the front door with the rest of school gassed for me.
The sky looked nothing like it had that morning. The rain clouds were gone, replaced with puffy dots painted on a blood-orange canvas. When I finally spotted Nadia, she was halfway down the main road. We’d left things off in a decent place at lunch, and I was keen to see if I could cover more ground. After the day I’d had so far, I also just needed someone sensible to talk to. Someone smart. Even if it was going to add twenty minutes to my journey home.
My phone vibrated. I yanked it out of my pocket so fast I almost fumbled it, but caught it just in time to see the notification pop up.
Mum:
We still on for FFCF at 8pm?
Knowing how stubborn she was, it was a proper big deal that she’d extended the first olive branch.
The response I drafted in my head read something like: ‘I’ll order the fish and chips. You pick the film?’ But none of my Upper World visions had come with timestamps, meaning I didn’t know where I might be at 8 p.m. To make matters worse, Nadia was pulling away up ahead.
Given everything I’d seen and foreseen, this could be my last chance to really speak to her. To really be with her. Mum’s text would have to wait.
To keep up with Nadia’s gangly legs, I had to go from a gentle jog to a very uncool sprint, sliding round another group of kids from school when she turned on to the side road.
‘Who are you, and why are you following me?’ she said, not facing me or breaking stride.
‘It’s me. Esso.’
‘Jesus, E.’ She swung round and her cackle-laugh melted away any awkwardness from my creepy entrance. ‘I thought you were some kind of stalker.’
‘Just wanted to say wagwan, innit. We didn’t get to finish our chat earlier. Anyway, what you saying?’
‘Are you really asking me that?’ She glanced down at my knuckles, covering her mouth when she saw the red blots on the bandage. ‘I heard about the fight. You OK?’
It hurt worse than it looked, but I replied, ‘You should see the other guy,’ adding a smirk.
‘You think you’re sick now, innit,’ she said, shaking her head. She pulled her bag straps close into her body, and a few steps later stopped in the middle of the road, adding extra weight to her next line before dropping it. ‘You gotta be careful, though, E. You said it yourself – D and them T.A.S. boys don’t squash the passa till it’s done.’ She placed the slightest bit of extra emphasis on the final word, and I felt a lump rising in my stomach.
I knew she was right. Of course I did. I knew the smartest move would have been for me to offer my humiliation as a peace offering to D. I should have stayed down after his first punch, then taken the never-ending giggles and pointed fingers that followed on the chin as well. But that was the past now.
‘If I get back after half-term and either of your seats is empty, I’m gonna be pissed,’ she said.
‘Since when d’you care so much about me?’ I asked, thirsting for her to take the bait.
Instead she shoved me away. ‘Both of you need to just not die, innit.’
She was being serious. I kicked a stone along, thinking a bit more deeply about it myself. I definitely didn’t want anyone to die, and maybe D didn’t either. Going to war wasn’t as glam as they made it look in the films or songs. The truth hurts, and the whole truth is excruciating. I thought about Spark and the time he boasted to me about the first kid he’d ‘put it on’ – and I mean properly, permanently put it on. But, behind closed doors, Spark couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, didn’t leave his house for weeks.
Nadia craned her neck forward. ‘Are you even listening to me?’
‘I am, you know. Just got a lot on my mind I’m trying to figure out right now. You honestly have no clue.’
‘E, you annoy me sometimes, you know that? I’ve told you so many things about me. Some proper embarrassing stuff as well.’
I stayed quiet and kept my eyes on the traffic as we walked. I couldn’t tell her about the visions, especially the one in the lunchroom with her facing off a bullet. In addition to making her wonder just how often I dreamt about her, she’d probably call me ments and freak out. I could figure this out myself.
‘Do you think anyone else at school knows I’m diabetic?’ she asked. ‘You think I even considered inviting Janeen and Kemi to our sci-fi movie marathon last month?’
‘No. I guess not.’
‘Exactly. But you know. So now it’s your turn: spit it out.’
‘It doesn’t matter, Nadia.’
‘Well, I’m guessing it does. Otherwise you wouldn’t be thinking about it this much.’ She looked at my lips, expectantly.
She had a good point, and it wasn’t her first time making it. Deep down, I wanted to fess up. I wanted her to know and understand everything about me. But, deeper down still, I wanted her to drag it out of me, inch by inch. I’d given up the info way too easy to Kato and look how that had turned out. She wasn’t a prick like him, but if she happened to do me the same way, at least I’d know I’d been careful.
‘You promise you won’t laugh at me or take the piss?’
‘E, you know I can’t promise that.’ A wicked grin spread across her face. ‘But I can promise I’ll keep it between me and you.’
‘Fine,’ I said, satisfied I’d put up enough of a fight. ‘So, I actually got hit by a car this morning.’ I had planned to stop the story roughly there, but that sentence alone had lifted so much weight off my shoulders, I suddenly wanted it all off. ‘And since then I’ve been seeing random glimpses of the future.’
After a pause, Nadia shook her head. ‘You are such a dickhead sometimes, E.’
I stopped walking, untucked my shirt and pointed at the discoloured lump on my hip. ‘Look: this is where the car smashed into me.’ I couldn’t read her reaction, so I carried on with more force. ‘And after I got hit I woke up in this dreamworld and saw a bunch of
projections of myself, including one that was wearing headphones from Cantor’s for some reason, and, when I stepped into one of the projections, I saw three visions of the future. It was sort of like time travelling but where only your mind goes on the trip. And now two of the visions have actually happened in real life. As in happened happened, both today. And it can’t be a coincidence that this is all happening the same day I found my dad’s diary, and read a page where he talked about this mental place called the Upper World.’
I’d made the pit stop to catch up on air, but found her staring back at me in polite disbelief. ‘Honestly. And later on at lunch, when D punched me, I was knocked out cold, but when I got up I started having more visions. Then, while I was fighting back, I was super hot, like volcano hot, and I also felt like I was moving through time at snail’s pace. Anyway that’s mostly it.’
‘So, is this why you lot were talking about time travel at lunch?’
I nodded nervously.
‘Hmmm.’ She rested two fingers on her chin. ‘Well, the precognition slash time-travel stuff you mentioned might actually make logical sense. Plus you showed me solid proof that the car crash happened. There’s only one thing I still don’t get: why is the skin on your hip so damn ashy?’
‘Piss off, Nadia.’
She bent over laughing and took her sweet time collecting herself. I felt like an idiot. I didn’t enjoy the looks of pity she kept giving me either.
‘I’m sorry, E. I shouldn’t have made that joke, man. Look, I obviously don’t believe you. But I can tell from that stupidly serious look on your face that you believe you. And that’s probably what matters most right now. And I’m sorry about the accident this morning. That’s shit but I’m glad you’re OK.’ Her serious face was back on. ‘I just need you to slow down, so I can understand it a bit better. Like, more explanation, more details.’
