by Diksha Basu
‘Okay, I am not going down that road with you. I will not listen to your bra-burning nonsense. You’re still not helping my money problem,’ I said.
‘I’m not your parent. And, like I told you, in the meantime, make Jay pay for stuff. Or ask that Kevin guy you’re always disgustingly swooning over on a date.’
‘One step at a time.’
‘Naiya, you’re hopeless. I have to go to Vishal’s to work on these lyrics. Listen, I’m being harsh. Vishal does a lot of ads. You want me to ask him if he could get you some modelling work?’
‘Yes, please,’ I said as I poured myself another four-finger vodka on the rocks.
While I was nursing my wounds and my vodka, the doorbell rang and, with a shiver that raced down my spine, I knew it was a ghost at the door. I found Jay standing outside the door with bloodshot eyes and a bouquet of flowers in his left hand. With his right, he kept picking at a thread on his shirt nervously. I felt sad for him. Here he was, flowers in hand, looking like a complete mess, and I had been busy filling myself up with anger and hatred towards him. He walked past me into the flat, saying, ‘You want these? I just had an interview and they gave me this stupid bouquet. I don’t want to carry it around.’ He sat down on the cushion I had been sitting on and started sipping from my glass of vodka. He looked up at me and said with sad, accusing eyes, ‘Why aren’t you answering my calls? I needed to talk to someone and you weren’t answering.’
‘I’ve been busy,’ I said.
He ignored me and continued, ‘My funding for From London to Lucknow fell through.’
Since I was still idiotically harbouring a hope of being cast in that, my heart sank.
‘It did? All of it? How does that work? What will do you next?’ I asked.
‘What will I do next? I don’t know. Nothing. I’m a failure. We’re both failures. We. Are. Both. Failures,’ he said with a frightening, acerbic laugh. He slumped back against the wall and sipped his vodka while I got up to get myself another glass.
Staring into his glass as if the funding for his film might just be floating there, he said, ‘I think I might have to make this Italy thing a reality. Pack up my life here. Maybe open a small café in Florence or something.’
Right. Because there weren’t enough small cafés in Florence already. I didn’t say anything.
Jay continued, ‘Matthew and I have been talking about the possibility. Opening something small in Italy.’
‘You and Matt were discussing that, huh? When? In Alibaug?’
Jay looked up at me, startled. I was equally startled by the anger in my voice. We both sipped in silence. Jay said, ‘Naiya, you’ve been the best thing in my life these past few months. You’ve been my everything. I see your strength in the face of failure and it inspires me. You and I are in this together, baby. We’ll find our way.’
I drained my glass in a single gulp and got up to get more. I wasn’t going to entertain his comments about my failure.
Jay continued, ‘Baby, you should come to Italy too. It’ll be perfect. We’ll set up our life there. Away from all the madness.’
Here it was. The man who looked exactly like the man of my dreams was offering me a home in Italy but all I was feeling was rage and despair.
‘I live in Bombay, Jay,’ I said quietly. ‘My life is here.’
‘Don’t be silly, Naiya. Your life isn’t here. There’s nothing for you here. Even I won’t be here much longer. Forget all of it. Forget the rat race. I’ll support you. Give up on this silly acting dream of yours. We’ll start fresh. You can travel, garden, anything you want.’
‘I can garden? I can fucking garden?’
‘Relax, man. What the hell is wrong with you today?’ Jay asked, the anger in his voice matching mine.
I took a deep breath and said, ‘Jay, why didn’t you put me in touch with Sameer earlier?’
‘What? What the fuck are you talking about? I gave you his assistant’s number.’
‘Why didn’t you do it sooner? Why didn’t you give Sameer my number when he asked you for it? Why didn’t you help me? Why did you let that role slip away from me?’
‘What? What? Who told you that? Sameer? Sameer told you that? Fucker. It doesn’t matter when you got his number, Naiya, that role was always meant for Seher. Ask Sameer. Even he’ll tell you.’
‘Seher? Seher’s getting the role?’
‘I don’t know. I mean, I think Sameer wanted Seher. I don’t have any say.’ He had lowered his voice by now.
‘Jay. Don’t fuck with me. It could have been mine. Why did you stop it? You’re the creative consultant, for god’s sake!’
‘I didn’t do anything, Naiya. I’m just one of the creative consultants. I don’t have any say. Look at me. Look at my eyes. You have to believe it wasn’t me.’
I did look at him. And didn’t believe him even a little bit.
Seeing that, he continued, ‘That role wouldn’t have been a good debut for you. Trust me, baby, I only have your best interests in mind.’
‘Jay, if you’re going to lie to my face, at least have the brains to do it well. PICK A FUCKING LIE! Was the role already cast or would it have been a bad debut for me? Be intelligent about how you lie, you idiot!’
Jay scrambled off his cushion and crawled over to me. ‘Naiya, baby, why aren’t you seeing that this is for the best? Now we can just leave. We have nothing holding us here. We can go to Italy tomorrow if we want.’ His warm breath, smelling of vodka and cigarettes, blew into my face as he laughed.
I pushed his shoulder with my hand and stood up and said, ‘Jay, please get out of my house. Please. Just leave me alone. Go to Italy. Go wherever the fuck you want. Just please get out of my house.’
‘Naiya, what the hell are you saying? You’re being ridiculous.’
‘Get out.’ I was nearly inaudible by this point.
‘You’re being fucking selfish, Naiya. You know that? Selfish. I can’t even help you.’
With those words, he slammed his glass down on the ground and it shattered into pieces. The smell of vodka engulfed the room as his blood dripped into the pool of broken glass and alcohol. It happened in a sort of slow motion and my only thought was that the red of his blood would make the perfect nail polish. If I could squeeze out all the blood in his body, I might just have enough nail polish to last me a lifetime. Maybe just for my finger nails, though.
Jay stared at his hand for a while, then shook it off, got up and walked to the front door. He wiped his hands on his jeans, looked me square in the eyes and said, ‘Please go fuck yourself. I can hate as intensely as I love.’
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Naiya!
Guess who came to our play last week and loved it? Ready? SPIKE LEE! He came backstage after the show and I nearly had a heart attack when I came out of my dressing room and bumped into him. I’m so happy I’m doing this show.
Oh, and, I booked an Intel ad. It’s for national air, so the money’s good.
James’s family is visiting and I feel such a part of it. They all came to see the play and we went out for dinner after. His father has been reading Shantaram and thinks that’s a world I know so it’s been leading to some very awkward conversations. And his mother asked me the other day if I was the actress in Slumdog Millionaire. I can’t believe I was embarrassed by my parents – his are just as bad.
As for Jay, I understand about you not having enough time. Some men can be really needy.
Love love,
Nal
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Nal,
Spike Lee? Wow, Nal, not bad. Who knew a small theatre in Brooklyn would throw up such an audience?
And about James, am I going to have to plan my next trip around your wedding? How cute and traditional.
Also, have lots of Jay news for you. As I had suspected, he went crazy when he saw that I was getting busy and doing my own thing. It was
pathetic, really. Anyway, I told him that I needed some time away from him. You know, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?
Speak again soon.
Love,
Naiya
Naiya Kapur is plotting plotting. on Tuesday x
The day after the little ‘incident’ with Jay, I woke up furious. I couldn’t get my head around the situation and so didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I woke up early and snuck out to the gym to vent my frustration. I then went and sat in a corner of a bookshop in Bandra to try and make sense of my life. I didn’t manage to make any sense of it and by the time I got back home, Ritesh and Jess were sitting in the living room, drinking tea.
Jess smiled at me as I walked in and said, ‘Someone was partying last night. I saw the broken glass.’
I smiled weakly and nodded. ‘Yeah, Jay was over. Sorry about that. I’ll replace it.’
‘Don’t be silly. It doesn’t matter. Come, sit.’
Ritesh, in a gold silk kurta and thick-rimmed glasses, said, ‘Naiya, you must change the spelling of your name.’
‘What?’
‘Listen, no. I was just telling Jess. I’ve changed mine. I spell it with an “i” now.’
‘R-I-T-E-S-H? What was it earlier?’ I asked.
‘No, baba. Now it’s R-I-T-E-I-S-H. Officially. Like Riteish Deshmukh. I got it changed and it has changed my life.’
‘Why?’
‘Why meaning? I consulted with an astrologer and realized that of course I wasn’t getting the kind of work I wanted to get … because I was spelling my name wrong. Can you imagine? If I had added that extra little letter years ago, I would probably be Karan Johar’s main scriptwriter by now. Uff. Anyway, no point sulking. It’s totally changing my life.’
‘Is it? How?’ That was Jess.
‘Well, for starters, I’m sleeping with that woman who did that bharatanatyam-fusion item number in that movie, Heart 2 Heart. And, more importantly, the reason I came over here is because I have very exciting news. I’ve realized that this filmy-shilmy shit isn’t for me so I’m off to SOAS next year. I mean, I’ve always been the intellectual type, no? So, I’m off to do a master’s in the anthropology of media.’
‘What the hell is the anthropology of media?’ Jess asked.
‘That’s what I’m going to find out,’ Riteish, with an extra i, said to her while rolling his eyes at me. ‘And I’m paying an arm and a leg for the degree, so you have to pay for all my drinks until I leave. But then you can come and visit me in London and have a place to stay.’
‘You add an “i” to your name and we have a place to crash in London? How nice,’ Jess smirked.
‘Naiya, now you tell me please. Jess said something about Sameer Bhatia. That is huge! How exciting. Jay paid off, huh? All thanks to me. I took you to that book launch where it all began,’ Riteish said proudly.
‘I don’t know if it’ll happen. Someone else seems confirmed for the role.’
‘Seher, no?’ Riteish said. ‘Big mistake they’ll make if they cast her. Sameer needs someone more intense. Naiya, I told him about you a few weeks back and he said he’d already met you. He was really keen on you. I hope Seher doesn’t do it, man. You’ll rock the role. I’ve read the script. It’s going to be a huge hit, this one.’
If I hadn’t met Jay, Riteish would have introduced me to Sameer a few weeks back and I would have been the one in the lead and none of the other bullshit in my life would have happened. If only I could delete Jay out of my life. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I realized that it was probably the first time in my life that I hated someone, and hate was one bastard of an emotion. I always thought sadness was the most difficult emotion but I learned, in those few days, that hatred was possibly the most self-destructive and unmanageable of all.
I tried to keep my spirits up and stay proactive, but it was difficult. I sent my demo reel and pictures over to Sameer’s office but didn’t know what else to do. My days had regressed back into the emptiness of a few months ago. Except this time, I was sick of partying at Zaza’s and Rimola, of exploring Bombay, and of being hopeful. This time, my nights were filled with books and vodka and my days with movies and hangovers.
One morning, I woke up and opened the newspaper to Page 3, the masturbatory page of Bollywood, and there was the headline: JAY FINDS HAPPINESS WITH SEHER. It was followed, inconsistently, with a picture of the two of them looking less than thrilled. He looked bored, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and she looked blank and doll-like. I, of course, could not help but read the article. Over and over and over again. Jay’s ‘close friend’ was quoted saying, ‘Jay was going through a very difficult time personally and Seher has finally been the light he needed.’ The article went on: ‘Seher is happy playing the role of girlfriend to the loving Jay. Their courtship has been going on for six months and they are pleased to finally announce it to the world. Jay was not available for comment but a statement from Seher said, “I am very happy to finally announce this to the world. Marriage is definitely on the cards, but only after Sameer Bhatia’s new production wraps up.”’
Bitch. She wasn’t even confirmed for the role yet. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut but had clarity enough to realize that the feeling was owing to the role slipping away, not the shattering of the Happily Ever After.
Jess came into my room that evening and said, ‘I read the article. You doing okay?’
‘You know what? Surprisingly, I am. I don’t really care.’
‘Good. You shouldn’t. You know what we need? A night out in town. Vishal’s working tonight and I’m sure if I leave you alone you’ll get all pathetic and sulky; so let’s go to Zaza’s. I think Dino’s there too.’
Half an hour later, we were happily ensconced at Zaza’s with potent Long Island iced teas and Dino and Kevin for eye candy. Three LIITs later, there was no stopping me. I grabbed the bull by the horns and said to Kevin, ‘We should grab a drink some time.’
Dino, asshole, said, ‘You’re having a drink right now. What do you talk of?’
I glared at him. Kevin shifted uncomfortably.
Dino stupidly continued, ‘Eh. Where is Jay?’
I think it is safe to say I had just failed at asking Kevin out. Oh well. I tried and it felt liberating and good. I was back in the market. Next stop: a career.
Back home, around midnight, Riteish called me. ‘Okay, I’ve done my research and we’re going to get you this role if it kills us.’
‘Forget it, Riteish. I’ll keep trying for other stuff. This one won’t happen. Seher’s dating Jay now. He’s the creative consultant on the film. I’m screwed.’
‘No, you aren’t. Just listen to me. The role is not finalized at all. A little birdie who owed me a favour has given me the update. Sameer is not happy with Seher at all, and is pushing for you. He really liked your demo reel, apparently. Problem is, Jay. Now why is Jay pushing Seher and not you? My theory is, he doesn’t want you to get this role because he doesn’t want you to ditch him. He’s scared that you’ll climb climb climb and then he’ll be stuck with his sorry life. So, he’s trying to block your roles so you’ll go crying to him and he’ll be happy. Following?’
‘I think so. I’m so confused. Why would he encourage Seher, though?’
‘Naiya, focus. Seher was in the running anyway. Have you noticed that you two kind of look alike? In any case, Sameer had originally been considering Seher. And then you came along. Jay knows that the role will go to you or Seher, and Seher is the one he’s willing to lose to stardom. But you he wants for himself.’
‘You really think he’d be so selfish?’
‘Naiya, I told you. I always told you. People never change that much. He was an insecure ass when I used to snort with him and he’s an insecure ass now. Sabotage him. Get the role you deserve.’
‘How?’
‘I don’t know. I told you everything I know, but can’t really figure out how to go about getting you the role. Put that silly Princeton degree of
yours to some use and come up with an idea.’
‘Hey. Question. Who’s your little birdie anyway?’
‘Namit. Sameer’s assistant. He really liked you and he owed me a favour from a few years ago. I won’t spill secrets, but let’s just say it involved two grams of coke and a transsexual prostitute.’
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Naiya
Spike Lee likes me! He called my agents to arrange a meeting with him! He’s beginning work on a movie that stars Eva Mendes and I’m being considered for the second lead. Just think what this could do for my career! And the whole thing shoots on the lower east side so James and I won’t have to be separated.
I’ve been even more motivated to get in shape and am almost down to a size 2! I can actually almost fit into tiny little size 2s. My agents see that this could be a big break, so they’ve got me an appointment at a fancy salon on Central Park West to get my hair and eyebrows done. And I finally bought those Louboutins and they are the most beautiful things I’ve ever owned. I never wear them because they’re just too beautiful, but I love looking at them.
Love love,
Nal
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Nal,
Great news. Good luck. Keep me updated.
Naiya
Naiya Kapur should be a columnist for Cosmo. on Saturday x
I tried plotting but, truth be told, I had no idea how to. I have always been a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of girl and I didn’t even know where to begin. I would have just thrown in the towel and moved on with my life but, fortunately, Jess and Riteish were on Team Naiya. Vishal was hosting an album launch for some trendy new band from Bangalore and all of us had invitations. On top of that, Riteish had confirmation that Jay was scheduled to attend and that Seher was safely tucked away in Chennai for her sister’s wedding. ‘So?’ I had asked Riteish and Jess innocently, ‘I don’t even want to see him. What’s the point? I should be focusing on Sameer.’
