How could I have let this happen?
The whisper of Sam soothing Anna while she cries makes me ache for Goldi. But I don’t call her. I don’t deserve any solace. Words of rehabilitation are mentioned, pamphlets are exchanged, and just like that the hospital wipes their hands of Lily, preparing to discharge her within a few hours.
Sam, Anna, and I go down to the cafeteria after Lily asks for a minute to rest. They’re both talking to me, but I don’t pay attention. I’m too busy sinking into the depths of my self-loathing. This is my fault. If I had just paid more attention. Not gotten so caught up in my own life… in Goldi.
Eventually, we make it back to Lily’s room, preparing for the tough conversations ahead. But when we walk in, the room’s empty.
She’s gone.
Everybody always leaves.
12
Chase
Twenty Years Old
“Chase, are you even listening to me?”
I look at Lindsay, her bleached-blonde hair covering half of her face as she leans over her textbook. She sniffs like she has a cold. We aren’t in a class together anymore, but we still meet once a week to study.
“Yeah, I’m listening.”
I’m not.
Lindsay sniffs again, looking at me through her lashes, a smirk on her face. “What did I say, then?”
I don’t answer. I’m too busy wondering why I even bother with this charade of school anymore. After Lily made her great escape, I was firm in the decision of staying home and helping Sam and Anna try to find her. They fought me, convinced I should continue to “live my life.”
What a fucking joke.
They’ve been searching for a year now, and no luck. They hang on to their hope, but I know better. No love is greater than a love affair with drugs.
In all honesty, I’m still at ETU to keep some distance between Goldi and me. Like usual, whenever we’re together, everything disappears until all I see is her. But sometimes looking at her hurts. Thoughts whisper that if I hadn’t given in to the pull between us, my sister might be healthy. Happy. Here.
I should have saved her from this. I could have saved her.
I see the pain I cause Goldi when I play hot and cold whenever she visits. I hear it in her voice every time she asks if she did something wrong. I want to scream that it’s not her, it’s me.
It’s always me.
I should let her go, I know this. But I love her. So fucking much. So, I’m selfish. I keep her on my rope, knowing I’m slowly hanging us both.
Lindsay sniffs again.
I quirk my brow. “Are you getting sick?”
She rubs under her nose and looks up, her pen creating a steady tap tap tap from her twitching hand. “What? No. I’m fine.”
I lean forward, looking at her closely. She’s antsy. She keeps rubbing her nose, and as she meets my gaze, I notice her pupils are the size of quarters.
“Are you fucking high?” I hiss.
She taps her nose. “Just a little pick me up, Chase. Nothing to freak out about.”
“There’s no such thing as a ‘little pick me up,’ Lindsay. What the fuck is wrong with you? ”
She shifts in her chair. “Jesus, calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down. I don’t want you to be high when you’re around me.” I point my pencil at her, gripping it so tight I’m surprised it doesn’t snap in half.
She raises her hands in surrender. “Okay, fine.”
“I’m serious, Lindsay. Never again.”
My phone vibrates on the table, Goldi’s name flashing across the screen. We haven’t spoken in days, and I’m dying to hear her voice, but getting to the bottom of Lindsay’s habit is more important right now. Goldi will understand.
I silence the phone, slipping it in my pocket.
Now that I know Lindsay’s been using, I’m worried, so I invite her over, sit her down and tell her I want to help. I need to help. She breaks down, admitting it’s out of control, and she’s scared of it taking over her life.
From then on, whenever I’m not working or in class, I’m with Lindsay. I don’t particularly enjoy her company, but I don’t want to give her the chance to shove more poison up her nose. Besides, it gives me something to do other than sit at my apartment and be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, I look at her and I swear it’s Lily I’m seeing—not that they look anything alike.
Maybe it’s my penance. Maybe if God exists, he’s giving me a chance to right the wrongs of my past. Hell, I don’t know. All I know is I couldn’t save my mom or Lily. I’ll be damned if I can’t save her.
Right now, we’re sitting in my living room, The Real World on TV. Jax and Goldi are driving up for the weekend, and I told Lindsay she could hang. To say I’m anxious is an understatement. Normally, I wouldn’t worry about Goldi being insecure, but our relationship has been rocky, thanks to me and my revolving door of fucking issues.
Lindsay begged me not to tell them about her problem. Said she didn’t want two of the most important people in my life to look down on her. I tried to reassure her they weren’t like that, but she’s adamant, and it’s not my story to tell. Because of that, I don’t really know what to say to Goldi about her. I don’t want to lie, so I’ve missed more than a few of our phone calls.
The doorbell rings and I jump. My nervous energy makes my motions feel jerky opening the door.
A swirl of vanilla and blonde rushes into me, long legs wrapping around my waist. I bury my head in her hair, gripping under the curve of her ass, holding her tightly to me. Immediately, the heaviness disappears from my shoulders, and the thoughts quiet in my brain. The way they always do when she’s around. It’s so fucking good to have her in my arms.
She peppers my face with kisses and I chuckle, squeezing her ass in my palms. “Good to see you too, baby.”
She giggles, sliding down my body and backing up. “Dang, I missed you somethin’ fierce.”
Jax is still in the doorway, his eyes on Goldi. I clear my throat to get his attention, wondering why the fuck he’s staring at her like that. He moves his gaze to me, adopting a carefree attitude. “Hey bro, good to see you.”
I raise my chin in acknowledgment, still watching him. He has his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and he’s looking around the apartment like he’s never seen it before. The moment he spots Lindsay, a saccharine smile spreads over his face. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?”
Lindsay grins, walking over to stand beside me. “Hi, you must be Jax. We’ve met once before, but I doubt you remember. Chase has told me so much about you!”
His eyebrows jump. “Has he, now? That’s interesting, I don’t think he’s said a single thing about you. Trust me, I’d remember.” He looks her up and down, giving her a wink. But then he glances over at Goldi, and I watch as what looks like concern fills his features.
Goldi’s staring in Lindsay’s direction. I reach out to search for her hand, lacing our fingers together, and rubbing the back of it with my thumb. Guilt for not giving her warning about Lindsay crawls up my throat. “Yeah, Lindsay and I have been chilling recently. I told her she could kick it this weekend, get to know you guys.”
“You two have been chillin’ recently?” Goldi’s voice is tight, her hand rigid in mine.
I look at her, unease prickling at my skin.
Lindsay jumps in before I respond. “Goldi, right?”
Goldi’s eyes narrow. “It’s Alina.”
Shit.
“Oh.” Lindsay smiles, nervously. “I’m sorry, I just assumed. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you so I could thank you for sharing Chase. I can’t tell you how much his friendship has come to mean to me.” She rests her hand on my arm at the same time Goldi rips hers away, stepping closer to Jax, and bouncing her gaze between us.
Irritation nags at my back. Why the hell would she say that?
Jax pipes in, calming the tension in that way only he can do. “Where’s my thank you, Lindsay? He was mine first, you know
.”
My eyes don’t leave Goldi. “Naw, man. I’ve always been Goldi’s. She’s had me since I was thirteen.”
Goldi’s features soften, her love pouring into the air between us. I revel in the warmth, knowing I don’t deserve the comfort.
13
Alina
Eighteen Years Old
Things are different since Lily ran away. I can only imagine what losing her does to Chase’s psyche. I try so hard to get him to open up, but just like when we were kids, he won’t let me in. That brick wall I spent years smashing down resurrected seemingly overnight. But I’m not a quitter. So, I’ll stand at his back and sharpen his swords, hoping he slays his demons.
That doesn’t mean I’m not hurting with every missed phone call, or excuse as to why he can’t make the trip down. I don’t push him because I’m terrified he’ll snap our connection in half. In the back of my mind, the red flags wave from the way he uses our distance as a shield.
We’re at a restaurant in Nashville, a live band performing on the stage. Chase sits next to me, an arm thrown lazily over the back of my chair. His fingers toy with the ends of my hair. Lindsay won’t stop waxing poetic about their “amazing friendship.” With every word out of her mouth, the urge to slap her silly grows.
Jax sends worried glances my way. He’s become one of my closest friends. He knows how hard I’ve had to try with Chase lately. Our car rides together are like therapy, letting me vent my fears and frustrations. Relieving me of carrying the burden alone. It’s a comfort to share the weight.
Chase leans over, running kisses down my hairline. I melt into him, the sting of jealousy ebbing away. He’s mine, after all.
Lindsay’s eyes glint, watching us. “Chase, tell them about the spider fiasco at my place.”
Chase’s body tenses, his lips leaving my skin as he straightens in his chair. “They don’t want to hear stupid shit like that.”
I cock my head at him. “I’d like to hear it.”
He sucks his teeth, looking at me. “There was a spider at her place. She was scared of it, and it was hiding in her bathroom. I found the fucker and killed it.” He shrugs.
Lindsay laughs. “Oh, don’t be so modest.” She turns her eyes on me. “It was a giant wolf spider! The thing was hanging out in my bathroom, and I was too terrified to even go in there. I called Chase, and like usual, he came right over.”
She smiles at him. “By the time he got there, the spider was nowhere to be found. I was a panicked mess. But Chase stayed with me all weekend until he finally was able to find the damn thing and kill it.” She puts her hands over her heart. “My hero.”
My stomach drops. I slowly nod my head at her story. “All weekend, huh? And when was this?”
“Oh, about three weeks ago, right Chase?”
Chase shifts, clearly uncomfortable, and a forgotten gash reopens across my heart. My body throbs at the pain. Three weeks ago, the toddler dance class I teach had a recital. It was the first one I choreographed, and I was so excited for everyone to see all the hard work I’d put into their routine. I begged Chase to come home for it. But he didn’t, saying he wasn’t able to get off work. Nausea swirls in my stomach at the knowledge he was with her.
Did he lie to me?
Jax is staring slack-jawed from across the table.
Chase moves his arm, reaching down to my thigh and squeezing. I push his hand off me, unable to stand the thought of his touch. Tears burn behind my eyes, and I push my chair back, excusing myself to use the restroom. Jax—not Chase—is the one who stands, trying to follow. I put my hand up to stop him. I just need a moment.
I lock myself in a stall, leaning my head against the cold metal. Breathing deeply, I try to calm my racing heart. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. I don’t think Chase would cheat on me, but him putting Lindsay before me hurts almost as bad. With a couple more breaths, I pull myself together and open the stall.
Lindsay is at the row of sinks, leaning against the counter, her arms crossed. She scans me up and down. “You know, I really don’t get it.”
I keep my eyes straight ahead as I wash my hands. “Mmm.”
I don’t ask her to clarify. I may be small town, but I’m not stupid. I know vindictiveness when I see it. This girl is itching to start something.
“Yeah, I mean… when I found out Chase had a girlfriend, I was pretty torn up. I had my sights set on him from the jump.” She laughs, tilting her head to the side. “And then I saw you, and I realized maybe he’s not so far out of reach, after all.”
I meet her eyes in the mirror. Usually, words don’t affect me. Chase’s avoidance, coupled with the knowledge he’s been with her all those times he could’ve been with me, grates my confidence until there’s nothing left.
I reach for a paper towel, slowly wiping my hands. “Lindsay, I don’t know what game you’re tryin’ to play. But whatever it is, you’re wastin’ your time. Chase and I have belonged to each other since the moment we met. There’s no comin’ between us.”
“Oh you silly, stupid, girl.” She throws her head back and laughs. “I already have.” She steps closer, her tall frame casting a shadow over me. “Every time you call and he doesn’t pick up? I’m right next to him, watching as he silences the phone.” Another step closer. “When you beg for him to come home? All it takes is one word from me, and he drops everything to be by my side.” Her finger taps her chin. “Now, I wonder why that is?” A smile spreads slowly across her face before she spins on her heel and walks out.
My fingernails dig into my palms so hard I’m sure I’m breaking skin. I trust Chase.
I love Chase.
But I can’t stand the way this feels.
We’re back at the apartment, and Lindsay’s leaving. Finally. Chase walks her to the door, speaking low, close to her ear. I analyze every single moment between them, unable to tear my eyes away. Her earlier words have soaked into my skin. They’ve mixed into my bloodstream and reached my heart, causing fissures with every beat.
I feel the couch dip beside me. Jax’s arm settles around my shoulders. “Sweetheart, you stare any harder, and you’ll burn a hole straight through her.”
The sting of my eyes makes me blink, but I don’t turn away.
“Just talk to him, Alina. Don’t drive yourself crazy with the ‘what-ifs.’” He pulls me closer, dropping a kiss on the side of my head.
The front door closes. Chase walks back over, stopping short when he sees Jax and me on the couch. “You two look cozy.”
My breath whooshes out at his audacity.
Jax laughs. “Yeah, well… someone had to make sure your girl was taken care of while you were busy with the local trash.”
I stifle a smile, my mood warming at Jax’s show of loyalty.
Chase’s jaw tics, like it always does when he’s holding back what he wants to say. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
Jax levels him with his stare. “Which part?”
The silence is deafening.
“Anyway, I’m beat, bro. I’ll see you two in the morning.” Jax stands up and stretches, walking down the hallway, leaving Chase and me alone.
Chase sidles up to me on the couch, his arms winding around me. I don’t return the embrace.
“Baby,” he whispers. “Come on, Goldi, don’t be like this.”
I bristle. “Were you ever gonna tell me, Chase?”
“Tell you what?”
I run my hand through my hair, my foot tapping. “Oh, I don’t know. How about we start with the fact you’ve been tellin’ me you’re workin’ when you’re really spendin’ your nights in another girl’s apartment.”
He releases me, sitting back. He sighs, looking down at his hands. “I did work that weekend.”
“That’s not the point!”
“Goldi, you have to know Lindsay’s just a friend. You do know that, don’t you?” He scoots closer, reaching for my hand.
I jerk it out of the way. “She does
n’t want to just be your friend.”
“She’s in a fucked-up place right now and needs someone to lean on. That’s all.”
“Oh, really? What’s wrong with her?” The mocking in my tone doesn’t go unnoticed.
He tugs his hair as he stands, pacing the floor. “She asked me not to say.”
I scoff, rolling my eyes. “Predictable.”
He walks toward me. “Goldi, listen to me. I don’t fucking want her. I want you. I love you.”
The dam bursts on my emotions. His words stab my insecurities, making them gape open and bleed. Tears trickle down, and I don’t bother to wipe them away. “You have a real funny way of showin’ it lately, Chase.”
He sinks to his knees, pushing his body between my legs. “Don’t cry,” he whispers, brushing the tears from my face.
I turn my head into his palm, squeezing my eyes shut. “I need you to choose me, Chase.”
“I do choose you.” His grip on my jaw tightens, forcing me to look in his eyes. “I’ve been fucked-up after Lily. I know that. I’ll do better. Just… just don’t give up on me. Please.”
The lovesick girl inside of me grasps his words, hanging on for dear life.
14
Alina
Eighteen Years Old
My toddler group’s second recital is this weekend. When it comes to two and three-year-olds, “choreograph” is a loose term. That doesn’t stop everyone I love from showing up like my routine’s on Broadway. I appreciate their support. I never realized how much I would fall in love with teaching dance. Now I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life.
There’s a studio about twenty minutes away in downtown Chattanooga that’s offered me an internship. At first, I wasn’t sure if I would accept because it would mean skipping college. But Jax encouraged me, saying college will always be waiting. He may be biased though, considering he chose to stay in Sugarlake as a mechanic, instead of furthering his education. His late daddy always dreamed of having his car restorations in the movies, and Jax is set on seeing that dream through.
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