“Alina. No. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.”
I sniffle. “I know that now, I do. He’s really mean to me, Jax. Blames me for Mama—can’t even look at me. I didn’t want you to see it. I didn’t want anyone to know it.”
Jax’s arms engulf me. “It kills me you’ve been going through this all alone, sweetheart. You say the word and I’ll postpone my move. I’ll stay here for as long as you need.”
I shake my head against his chest. “No. You need to go. As much as I want you to stay, it would be the most selfish thing I could do, Jax.”
He hugs me tighter, and I get lost in the comfort of my best friend’s embrace. “I’m sorry. I should have told you.”
He lets out a deep exhale. “You’re telling me now.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
He pulls back, his hand cupping my cheek. “You deserve the world, Alina May. Promise me you’ll go out and get it.”
My belly burns and my heart rams against my ribcage. “Why does this feel like goodbye?”
“Maybe it is,” he says with glassy eyes.
My head finds his chest again and my tears fall faster, soaking into his shirt.
“Maybe sometimes you have to say goodbye, even when it hurts. Maybe that’s the only way to appreciate the hellos.”
I squeeze my eyes tight as I cling to him. “I love you, Jackson Rhoades. I’ll miss you every day.”
He hums, and I commit the feel of him to memory. Even though I want to stay like this for as long as I can, I let go.
“Have you seen Eli?” I tuck my hair behind my ears.
Jax shakes his head. “I can help you look if you want.”
“I’m gonna check the back hallway. Will you just keep an eye out? Tell him I’m lookin’ if you see him.”
I make my way to the hallway where Chase and I exchanged “I love yous.” My heart flutters at the memory. He loves me. If I’m honest, I think I already knew.
The hall is dark and quiet. I peer into the first couple of rooms. Nothing. I’m turning to leave when I hear a crash. The noise makes me jump, and I spin back around, cocking my head.
Thump.
I walk down the hallway, toward the last room on the left.
Thump.
I hear it again and before I know what I’m doing, I’m turning the door handle, throwing it open and stepping inside. I gasp, my eyes bulging and my hands flying to cover my mouth. Eli snaps his head up. He sees me and curses. I should be running out of the room and pouring bleach in my eyes, but I can’t move. I’m glued to the scene of my best friend laid out on a table with my brother hovering over her. They’re both wearing clothes, but barely. The pieces of fabric are jostled, like they started to take them off, then realized they didn’t have the time.
I cover my eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, holy crap. I’m sorry.” The words spill out of me, even though sorry is the last thing I should be. “I’m not leavin’ this room, so y’all do what you need to do and get decent quick. Let me know when it’s safe to uncover my eyes. Oh my God.”
A few minutes pass in relative silence, other than whispered words between them and the sound of zippers and snaps. It’s enough time for my shock to morph into anger.
Eli clears his throat. “Lee, it’s all good.”
I drop my arms. “We must have different definitions of that phrase, Eli.”
Becca walks toward me with her hands splayed in front of her. “Lee, this isn’t what it looks like.”
My face lifts toward the ceiling. “If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that phrase tonight.” I laugh. “No. I think this is exactly what it looks like. And besides the fact Eli’s engaged to be freakin’ married, I probably wouldn’t have cared.” I pin her with my gaze. “But I asked you, Becca.”
“I know, but—”
“Don’t. Don’t try and excuse this away. I don’t wanna hear it. I can’t even begin to process this right now. All I know is how much it hurts that you thought I wouldn’t understand.” My eyes well, and it ticks me off because I am so sick of crying.
I bite back the tears. “I need to speak to my brother, Becca. Alone.”
She sniffs, nodding her head, not even glancing at Eli as she leaves. She pauses when she’s next to me, her shoulder brushing mine. “I’m sorry.” Her voice chokes on the words.
I stiffen my shoulders and keep my gaze on my big brother. I don’t speak until I hear the click of the door. Eli sits on the table he was just mauling my best friend on.
“While you were busy gettin’ your jollies with someone other than your fiancée, guess what you missed?”
He watches me with worried, cautious eyes. “What’s that, Lee?”
“I’ll tell you. Daddy gettin’ in a fight with the man of the hour, Sam. Bein’ a mess in front of the entire town and then stormin’ off drunk as a skunk. That’s what.” I throw my arm in the direction of the parking lot. “Now he’s out there, drivin’, sloppy and upset.”
“What?” Eli shoots up. “Where’d he go?”
“How should I know, Eli? Hopefully, home.”
He starts to pace. “Well, let’s go. We’ve gotta find him.”
I shake my head, standing strong. “I’m not goin’. I just thought you should know.”
Eli huffs, his eyes widening and his arms splaying to the sides. “What do you mean you’re not going?”
“Look, if you wanna spend your time chasin’ after Daddy and the devil on his shoulder, be my guest. He’ll leave you in the dust, and all that’ll be left is you chasin’ your own tail.”
His eyes soften. “I shouldn’t have left you to deal with him alone. I should have come back. Should have done more.” His voice raises with each declaration, and he resumes pacing.
My throat pinches with emotion because yeah, he should have. I put my hand up, stopping his rant. “Now’s not the time, Eli. Literally any other day you’ve been here would have worked. But tonight? I don’t wanna hear it.”
His steps falter and his jaw tics.
I turn to go, wanting nothing more than to find Chase and tell him I’m leaving. Even though I shouldn’t. I haven’t even seen Sam yet to congratulate him—other than when he was licking the blood off his lip that Daddy caused him to spill.
“Lee,” Eli says, his voice low and nervous. “You don’t understand about Becca. It’s not… we aren’t… just go easy on her, okay? You’re the best thing in her life, and she’d be devastated to lose you.”
I guffaw, my brows rising along with my chin. “You sure seem to know an awful lot about my best friend, Eli.”
His cheeks puff out and he hangs his head. “No. I don’t know her at all.”
His voice cracks as he says it, sadness wrapping around his words and breaking them in half. But I don’t have time to worry about the mess Becca and Eli are in. Not right now. Not after everything that’s happened tonight. So I give a sharp nod and walk out the door.
When we make it back to the party, I spot Chase talking to Jax, which is surprising. My phone rings just as I’m walking over to them.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Lee. It’s Buddy, down at the station. I uhh… your pa was just brought in. Thought I’d let you know. They’re bookin’ him now.”
I lift my head to the sky. What else could possibly happen tonight? “What’s he there for, Bud?”
“He crashed into another vehicle goin’ down the wrong way on Main Street.”
I suck in a breath, stumbling over my feet just as I reach Chase. I grab his arm to stay steady. Visions of getting a call about Mama flashes behind my eyes. “Is everyone okay?”
“They’re banged up, but nothin’ life threatenin’. There was a two-year-old and a pregnant woman in the car. He’s lucky, it coulda been a lot worse. But, off the record? Your pa’s gonna need to get himself a lawyer. You can come pick him up in a few hours. Let him sober up a bit and get through his bond arraignment.”
The urge to run to Daddy’s side
is strong. But I straighten my spine and remember what I just told Eli. “Naw, Bud. Thanks for the call. I think a night in jail will do him some good.”
I hang up my phone and turn it off.
51
Alina
Chase and I are on the way back to his place. I begged him to stay, but he wasn’t hearing it. I feel like a jerk for bailing on Sam’s party before it was even halfway over, but I needed to get out of there.
His folks were extremely understanding. Sam hugged me as I apologized for Daddy, and he clapped Chase on the shoulder, saying “take care of your girl.” It warms my heart to see a family that supports each other the way they do—the way mine hasn’t in a long time.
I am mentally and physically drained by the time I plop down on Chase’s couch. The fight with him seems like it happened light-years ago, instead of just three hours prior. How can so much happen in so little time?
Guilt spikes in my gut when I let myself think of Daddy sleepin’ off his booze in a jail cell, but what else can I do? He wouldn’t be grateful if I picked him up anyway.
Becca and Eli are something I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of. The kicker is, I’m not even mad about the fact something is going on. I couldn’t care less who they’re with, as long as they’re both happy. But Becca lied to me, and that hurts worse than any secret ever could. Still, as mad as I am, my heart hurts thinking about her planning Eli’s wedding to someone else. I imagine what it would be like if that were Chase and my stomach revolts at the thought. I wish she had chosen to confide in me. I know how it feels to be collapsing under the weight of heavy secrets.
“You okay, baby? What a fucking night, right? Jesus.” Chase rubs my shoulders.
I groan, the tension melting away under his skilled fingers. “Yeah, you ain’t lyin’. But I don’t really wanna talk about any of that.”
“What do you want to do then?”
“I want you to make me forget. Just for tonight. Can you do that?”
He stops rubbing my shoulders, coming around to sit next to me. “I can. You sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
“I’m sure. Tonight should have been a celebration. Sam retiring. You becoming CEO.”
“You telling me you loved me,” he adds.
“And that.” I smile, kissing his lips.
“We still can, you know.”
“Can what?”
“Celebrate.” His hand travels up my leg.
“I like that idea very much.”
He leans in, parting my lips with his tongue, pushing me back on the couch. His body presses into mine, grinding, his hips hitting just the right spot even through our clothes.
I want him to push harder.
Press deeper.
He licks and sucks his way along my neck, pulling down my shirt and leaving a line of kisses on my collarbone. Every touch makes my body quiver. After everything that’s happened tonight, all I want is this. I want to sink into his touch and forget the world around us.
I grip his hair, pulling his face up to mine. “Take me to bed, Chase. Show me how much you love me.”
His eyes darken, lust rolling off him in waves and crashing into my skin, drowning me in his desire. He backs away, grabbing my hand and moving us down the hall.
Once we’re in his room, he spins me around, his arms wrapping around my waist. We strip each other’s clothes until we’re bare. His hand touches the center of my chest, his palm resting against my speeding heart. He pushes slightly, the back of my knees buckling against the bed frame until I fall onto the mattress. His body follows mine, every inch of his chiseled body pressed against me.
I feel needy.
Desperate.
His touch slides down my arm and he picks up my hand, bringing it to his mouth. He kisses each fingertip. Slowly, lovingly.
His mouth meets mine again, his tongue plunging, tasting, licking. My fingers tangle with his as he raises my arms above my head. His length is pressed against my center and it pulses on top of me, making the ache between my legs unbearable. He slides deep inside me in one solid thrust. His eyes burn so deep into mine, I swear our souls can touch.
My fingers tighten around his as he pulls back out, then goes deep. Over and over. The friction between our bodies creates a buzz of energy that crackles and pops, weaving its way around us and infusing every pore with the way we’re loving each other.
I could stay like this forever.
My hips rise to meet his, grinding my clit against his pubic bone on each pass. I’m delirious with pleasure, every nerve ending firing off tingles that shoot through my veins. He lets go of one of my hands, slipping down my body until he fits it around the curve of my ass, bringing me into him further, wrapping my leg around his waist.
He hits deeper this way. He plunges in, his hips speeding up.
If he keeps doin’ that…
My orgasm races through my body like wildfire, touching every part of me. I clench around him, my body spasming.
“Fuck, Goldi.”
He moves faster, slamming inside me with sharp thrusts, chasing his own high. My ears are ringing and my body feels fuzzy as I admire him. I run my fingers along the lines of his face, every dip and curve of his high cheekbones and his sharp jaw. Down the crease between his eyes. Over that scar in his eyebrow, the one I’ve wanted to trace since the moment we met.
His body shivers. “Tell me you love me, Goldi.”
I lean up as far as I can, whispering it against his skin. “I love you.”
His body jerks, his rhythm faltering. I say it again. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“Fuck.” His thrusts turn erratic, his need trumping his skill, and I squeeze around him, trying to bring him over the edge.
His mouth parts, his eyes roll back and he lets out the sexiest groan, his muscles flexing against me. He pulses deep inside me as he explodes. I moan at the feeling.
He collapses, and I can feel his heartbeat against my chest.
Soft kisses press into the crook of my neck. “How you feeling, Goldi?”
Despite everything that’s happened today, there’s only one emotion I feel right now.
I smile.
“Happy.”
I wake up to a text from Eli.
Eli: Picked up Pops this morning. Can you come by and talk? We all need to sit down and it should happen today.
I roll my eyes at his demand, but know he isn’t wrong. As much as I want to stay in Chase’s bed and forget the rest of the world forever, I need to face things head-on.
He gave me his house key and said he wants me waiting in his bed when he gets back tonight from Nashville. He offered to skip the trip, but I don’t want to be the reason he misses his therapy session and group. Plus, I told him to handle whatever he needs to with his ex to make sure she gets the message. Trust.
He kisses me goodbye on his front doorstep and hugs me tight. “I’m so fucking proud of you. Go handle your shit, Goldi, and don’t let them drag you back down. You aren’t meant to wither away in the shadow of someone else’s demons. You’re meant to shine.”
The darkness tries to seep in my conscience and steal my light on the drive to Daddy’s, but I don’t let it. I focus on the way Chase makes me feel instead. The way I’m beginning to feel about myself.
I park the car and let Chase’s words wrap around me, so even if I stagger, his voice will cushion my fall.
With a deep breath, I walk in the front door.
The smell of coffee brewing makes me nostalgic. I follow the sound of clangs and muffled voices and find Eli and Daddy sitting in the kitchen. Eli is dressed for the day, looking sharp in a button-down and dark blue jeans. Daddy is still in his clothes from the night before, looking greasy and worn, his head in his hands as his elbows rest on the table. Sarah is nowhere to be found.
“Hi, y’all,” I greet them as I sit down.
Daddy’s head pops up and his eyes meet mine. The baby blues are bloodshot, but they’re clear and ale
rt for the first time since Mama died. I suck in a breath, surprised he hasn’t started numbing his pain.
“Alina,” he rasps.
“Hi, Daddy. How ya feelin?” My lips curl into a sad smile, and I don’t really know what to say. I’m not used to handling him sober, my attempt at conversation is rusty after all these years.
“Thanks for comin’, honey.” My stomach jumps at the term of endearment. My eyes bounce to Eli, his jaw muscle tensing as he watches us. Daddy’s voice brings my attention back to him.
“I have some things I needa say, and you can take ‘em or leave ‘em, I guess. I don’t… I don’t deserve your time.” His hand comes up to wipe his mouth. “I’m messed up.”
My eyes widen, my palms becoming clammy as I grip my thighs under the table. What is goin’ on?
“Your mama…” his voice breaks. “Your mama was the best part of me. She pushed down the bad and brought out everything good. I never thought I’d have to learn to live without her. I guess we all know I never learned anyway. She’s been gone for damn—damn near a decade and she’d be ashamed of what I’ve become.” Tears line his lower lids and one spills over, dripping down his stubbled face.
“Daddy,” I breathe. I’m stunned.
He puts up his hand. “No, no. Lemme finish. I don’t think I can say it more than once.” He gulps his coffee, staring into the black liquid while he continues to talk. “I woke up this mornin’ with a poundin’ in my head, a sickness in my heart, and Bud the deputy tellin’ me that I damn near killed a family.”
I purse my lips, trying to keep it together while he talks.
“My first thought was to grab the nearest bottle and drown myself until I was sinkin’ in the numbness. That’s still what I want more than anything. But…” His eyes flick up to me. “My second thought was the guilt. I’m responsible for hurtin’ those people last night. And then as I laid there in that cell, waitin’ for someone to come and bail me out… all I could think about is how all these years, I’ve made you feel the exact same way.”
Beneath the Stars Page 31
