He had the grace to look shocked and chastened. All the fight went out of her and she gripped the back of her chair, sinking into it. Her feet felt numb and she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.
He was at her side in a moment. “Ella? What is it? Is it the baby?” He knelt beside her chair, putting a wide, warm hand on her leg.
“Leave me alone, Devin.”
“I can’t do that. Not now. Not when my baby is at stake.”
At that moment, Ella’s heart disintegrated into dust. His concern wasn’t for her. It was for the baby. The moments they had shared—that had been nothing more than nostalgic aberrations. He had wanted to punish her for leaving. He had just admitted it. He’d only fooled himself into believing he wanted to work things out. His words had held the real truth. He’d said he’d rather argue with her than not talk at all, and would rather make love than argue. What sort of a relationship was that? It needed to be built on mutual love and respect. And it was clear those were two words he did not connect with her.
Now they were joined forever through the tiny, precious life she was carrying. And Devin would not let her walk away. She knew it as sure as she knew the sky was blue. Settling was not an option. He was right. She did need a plan, and she was in no shape to present one to him now.
“I just need some rest,” she murmured behind her hands, liking the feel of his palm on her knee and hating herself for it. “I’m tired.”
“I don’t trust you.”
She lifted her head to find Dev’s close to her own, his eyes dark and earnest. “Thanks so much.”
“I don’t trust you not to run away again. And we need to talk about this. Both of us have been swamped with information tonight, and I understand you want to take time to assimilate it all. But I’m afraid to leave you and discover you’re gone in the morning.”
“I promise I won’t go.”
“I’ve heard your promises before.”
The candles were burning low, and the smell of the remnants of dinner caused a thickness at the back of her throat. “Touché. But I’m not stupid. I know if I tried to take off, you’d find me. Now you have a reason to.”
It hurt like hell to admit it. But the baby would motivate him like she hadn’t been able to.
“Ella…”
“I don’t want to argue anymore. I don’t want to rehash the past and trade blame, okay? I just want to take tonight to sleep on it. I’ll come see you tomorrow.”
He stood, finally letting go of her leg, and the skin on her thigh cooled quickly, missing the contact. How in the world had they managed to end up here?
“I’ll be out at the cabin. It’s the weekend. I spend my downtime there, fishing and looking after the stock.”
It was a reminder of how foolish she’d felt, discovering the truth. Making assumptions about him. She wondered if she’d see the small house in the same way now.
“I’ll meet you there mid-morning.”
He nodded and stacked their dirty dishes on a cart. “I’ll leave this outside on my way out.”
“Thank you.”
He paused, the cart in the hall, the door to the room half open.
“Don’t think of running away this time.”
The door shut with a quiet click and Ella wilted in the chair. Run? There was nowhere to run to.
Now she had twelve hours to come up with a new plan. She closed her eyes, remembering the vows she’d made to Devin and to herself all those years ago. Some she’d broken, some she hadn’t. Now she had to find away to keep the most important one of all—being a good mother to her child.
Chapter Eleven
She was so not ready for this.
The rental car bounced over the dirt lane as Ella made her way back up to the cabin, hoping the makeup she’d applied covered the dark circles beneath her eyes. It had been a long night. She’d fallen asleep soon after Devin had gone, utterly exhausted by the evening’s emotional rollercoaster. But she’d awakened at five, unable to stop the wheels in her head from turning as she looked out her window over the empty, dark street. Somehow she had to come up with a way they could make this work, a way to keep their baby from paying for their foolish mistakes. It was difficult to do, knowing it meant sacrificing some dreams of her own.
By seven she’d phoned down for some tea and toast, hoping it would settle her roiling stomach. She had a shower while waiting and was feeling nearly human when the food arrived. It had only taken one half-slice of the buttered bread to turn her stomach, and she’d spent ten minutes with her head in the toilet. The joys of early pregnancy. She only hoped that the information she’d read so far was right—that within another few months, the nausea would go away. It was hard to be strong and logical when you were afraid you were going to throw up on your shoes.
In a few months, she wouldn’t even be able to see her shoes.
She bumped to a halt beside Dev’s old truck. Taking a deep breath, she reached down to the passenger seat and slid one more soda cracker from the sleeve. At least these put something in her belly and seemed to agree with her.
Her knock on the door went unanswered, so she took a few moments to explore, now with new eyes. The last time she’d been here she’d looked at this place as a symbol of the rut she would have found herself in. She’d regarded it with scornful eyes, a symbol that justified all her reasons for leaving. But that wasn’t true. Her assumptions about Devin had been all wrong, and she took a breath, allowing herself to enjoy the quiet and solitude. She understood why Devin had kept it as a weekend retreat. She too had adored it when they’d lived here, poor as church mice and desperately in love. It was a hideaway, away from the hustle and bustle, the noise of the real world.
The crisp fall air was refreshing, bracing, clearing her head of the cobwebs of heavy thoughts. She could do this. It was the right thing. It made sense and required equal sacrifice on both sides. After all the water under the bridge, she knew compromise was the right thing.
The path to the barn was well-trod and she walked along it, her steps scattering leaves that looked like gold coins. She was happy she’d bought the jeans and heavy sweater yesterday as she folded her arms, encased in the soft wool. The chocolate brown collar cradled her jaw, keeping her warm and comfortable against the fall chill. She was nearly to the faded barn when she heard his voice, echoing on the light breeze. She detoured around the side to the large corral.
He was astride a gorgeous bay, oblivious to her approach. The cowboy hat she’d seen that first night at Ruby’s was back on his head, shadowing the top half of his face and creating an epicenter of awareness in the pit of her stomach. Straight and tall, he sat in the saddle, faded jeans with a rip in one knee, sitting a trot effortlessly. A denim shirt hung over a fencepost. His upper half was clad only in a white T-shirt.
Where was the ruthless businessman of yesterday, who had locked the door and made love to her on his desk? Where was the deathly ill boy she’d pictured last night as he told her the truth about his cancer? This man, the one taking the horse through its paces, was the one she’d always pictured in her daydreams. This was the man she’d stayed away from for twelve long years. And with good reason. This man was dangerous. Irresistible. This man, more than any other, had the power to change her mind. For a moment her resolve faltered, simply by watching him.
He turned a corner and saw her standing there, back from the fence, and his body seemed to pause. He reined the bay in to a walk, made his way close to where she was standing, his hips swaying with the movement of the gait. She bit down on her lip. She knew before he spoke what he would sound like, knew before he dismounted how he would smell, feel. Her plan was sound but not without flaws. She wasn’t immune to Dev.
“So I don’t have to go chasing after all.” The words were said lightly, but he didn’t smile.
“I told you I’d be here.” Her voice came out with a slight squeak and she cleared her throat. The saltines had made her throat dry, and now th
at the morning had waned she suddenly wished for a glass of milk.
“Let me put this guy up, and I’ll meet you at the house.”
He swung his leg over the saddle and dismounted, giving a little hop and gripping the reins with a hand. Ella took one look at the jeans and swallowed. He’d been irresistible in his suit yesterday. Faded, shaped-to-his-body jeans took that up a whole other level.
She nodded and turned her back, hurrying back up the path. Where had this physical need for him come from? Sure, her hormones were out of whack but this was ridiculous. She detoured to the car for the rest of the crackers and took them inside the cabin. She peeked in the fridge, finding no white milk but a small container of chocolate. Her mouth watered and stomach rumbled. She got a glass from the cupboard—the same one she’d put their dishes in after they’d married—and poured the liquid into it. She smiled as she drank, the cool richness of it soothing her throat and tummy.
She’d rinsed her glass and put it in the drying rack when he came up the steps, stopping outside to remove his boots. Ella smoothed her hands down the front of her sweater, nervous all over again. He had to listen. He simply had to. Surely he would see her solution was best for everyone, if he could put aside his foolish notion of pride long enough to think about it.
“Sorry for the wait.”
He wasn’t quite comfortable, she could tell. He kept his words carefully modulated, intentional. It seemed they were both on their best behavior today, which was good. If they could tread carefully, avoid setting each other off, maybe then he’d see the benefits to her plan.
“It’s no trouble. We didn’t set an exact time.”
“Did you sleep?” He took a step forward, paused by the table. “You look tired.”
She smiled a little, cursing the black smudges beneath her eyes, thinking that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to share a little of the pregnancy with him. If he knew how heavily her life was affected by the changes going on he might accept her conditions more readily.
“I slept until about five, but then I had to use the bathroom. I couldn’t sleep after that, so I ordered up some toast and had a shower. The toast didn’t settle so well…” She paused, softening as she looked up into his face. “It’s been an eventful morning.”
“You’ve been morning sick?”
“Not so much. Mostly just nauseous or needing to eat like yesterday when I got faint. This morning though… I think I just had a lot on my mind.”
“You need to take better care of yourself,” he deemed. “Can I get you anything?”
She bit back a retort at his directive. She was taking good care of herself and this baby. She’d followed her books to the letter. There was no point in sniping at him. His solicitousness was touching because she knew it was sincere. Insincerity was definitely not one of his faults, even when the truth was unpleasant. She knew he believed every single word he said. The problem was he believed it so strongly that he couldn’t see the other side.
She needed him to see the other side today.
“I’m fine. But I’ll take your ear, Dev. I thought long and hard about what we should do, and I think I’ve come up with a solution.”
“I’ll listen. But at the end you need to listen to me too.”
“Agreed.” She twisted her fingers nervously, knowing he would never agree to every detail of her plan. She had to expect he’d present his own side, and somehow in the middle they’d find something that worked. They had to.
Ella sat in the hard-backed kitchen chair, taking a deep breath and mentally reciting the words she’d put together on the drive from the hotel. Devin poured himself a glass of water from the tap and came to sit across from her. He was a combination of the focused office Dev and the devil-may-care cowboy. The combination was hard to resist. But that was the very reason she had to make him see sense.
She stifled an anxious laugh—let the negotiations begin. And from the success of Dev’s business over the years, she guessed he was pretty good at getting what he wanted.
“I think the most important thing right now is to not think about what I want or what you want but to think about what is best for the baby. I don’t want this baby to grow up like I did, Devin. I want this baby to feel loved, and wanted, and secure.”
“I agree.”
Relief flooded her—the first hurdle behind her. “And I think we are both going to have to make sacrifices to make sure that happens.”
“Absolutely.”
Agreement again. This was almost too easy, and it made her even more nervous rather than soothed. And now the hard part—the particulars. This would be the hardest sell, because his pride would take a hit. And he’d agreed so readily she knew he had to have his own ideas of what they should do. She swallowed and pinned what she hoped was a believable smile on her face.
“I want to keep the baby, and I want you to be involved in his or her life. Our child needs to know you as a father and a constant in its life, and it needs a mother and father who are committed to providing him or her with the best life we possibly can.”
“I’m so glad to hear you say that,” Devin said, the words tumbling out. He reached across the table and took her cold hand in his, warming it with the firm pressure. “Last night when I said what I did about tearing up the divorce papers, I was sure you would run the other direction. I’m glad you’ve thought about it and—”
“Stop,” she commanded, the seed of worry now a hard ball of anxiety. “That’s not what I’m saying, Dev. I still want the divorce.”
“What?” The pressure on her hand tightened as his gaze caught hers, wide with surprise and dismay.
“I don’t think our staying married is in the best interest of the baby.”
He let go of her hand and spun in his chair, rising from the table in a single, harsh motion. “You just said you didn’t want the baby raised like you were. I know it was hard being the child of a single mother. I know you were left alone a lot while she tried to make ends meet, and I know how you wanted a father. We talked about all this, Ella, when we talked about getting married. I didn’t forget. How can you accept less now? This baby deserves a mother and father.”
He was right about all of it. This wasn’t the ideal situation they’d dreamed of. But she’d come to learn life rarely was ideal.
“There’s a big difference, Dev. You won’t leave us high and dry the way my father did. You’ll be there, you’ll support us, you’ll be involved. To stay married… Do you want to bring our child up in a house with two parents who don’t love each other?” The words echoed through the cabin. She wouldn’t deny him a place in his own child’s life, but she wouldn’t open herself up to hurt again either. She understood now that the years since their split had been one big test she’d failed. She couldn’t spend her life wondering if she measured up. Waiting to fail again.
And yet part of her longed to hear him deny it. To have him say he did love her. But how could he? All they had truly done since reconnecting was fight, share a few memories and have mind-blowing sex. It wasn’t enough and they both knew it.
“Isn’t having a baby reason enough to try to work at it? What better reason is there?” He braced his hands on the back of his chair, his lips pulled taut as the tension in the room seemed to multiply, thick and heavy.
Her eyes smarted. He was already so invested in this tiny life and he’d known about it for less than twenty-four hours. “How can you put the burden of a marriage on such tiny shoulders, Devin? How can you ask a baby to be responsible for the success or failure of a marriage when we’ve already screwed it up so spectacularly on our own?”
The starch went out of his body and he resumed his chair again, running a hand through his hair, leaving one side standing slightly on end. She watched him sadly. At one time discovering they were expecting a child would have been the happiest moment of their lives. Now it was bittersweet and fraught with recriminations and sad wishes.
“What do you suggest, then? Because I get the feeling you hav
e a proposal up your sleeve.”
She leaned forward, squeezing her hands between her knees. “You sign the divorce papers. In return, I will give up the job in Boston and stay in Denver, and we share the parenting. Durango and Denver aren’t that far apart. The baby will stay with me, but you’ll be able to visit anytime you like, and I fully expect you’ll want to have visits here at your home too. Our baby needs a father, Dev. What he or she doesn’t need is living with a bad example of a marriage, don’t you agree?”
Devin stared at her, unable to think of the right response. Yes, he agreed, but the plan he had in his head didn’t include a bad marriage. It included them working things out. Putting the pieces back together. Now that their fears and insecurities had been laid on the table, surely they could put it all behind them and move forward. The news that he was going to be a father was so incredible that he had been sure things would turn out right. Why would such a thing happen if it weren’t to bring them together again?
And he didn’t want to be a part-time father. He wanted to be there for every precious moment, the way his parents had been there for him. The way Ella’s father had never been there for her. As he stared into her earnest face, he realized he wanted that not only for himself, not only for their baby, but for her too. To somehow make up for the pieces that had been missing. Looking back, maybe that was where they’d gone wrong. He’d tried to do it when they were kids, and he had failed. Now their own child was at stake too, and he couldn’t push away the need to fix it. Even if she didn’t like it.
“And if I don’t divorce you?”
“I will still go through with it, and you will have to contest it in court. Then I expect there will be custody issues to settle.” He stared at her, not quite believing she’d go that far. But Ella was determined. She’d walked away once before without looking back, hadn’t she?
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