by S A Monk
Nick knew his brother was correct, but he also had to ask, “You wouldn’t have an ulterior motive for all this, would you?”
Lance looked away guiltily. “You know I care about Hanna. But I’m thinking about her welfare, not my feelings for her. I don’t want to see her get hurt.”
“Well, hell, I don’t want that either. I already feel guilty as hell about letting her come along to rescue you and not being able to keep her safe.”
Lance nodded. “I know you tried to protect her, and hell, I can’t grumble too much. The two of you risked a lot to find and rescue me. I can’t thank you enough for that, Nick. I was afraid I was never going to see my son again.” He was quiet for a long moment, then took a long drink of his coffee.
“He’s one great kid, Lance. You’ve done a great job raising him, especially since you’re doing it without his mother.”
“He’s better off without her,” Lance replied bitterly. “But Hanna’s helped fill her shoes. Christopher loves her like a mother.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen that. And now little Katie needs her. She plays a pretty significant role in those kids’ lives.”
“Both the families are pretty tight, and now she’s all Colleen has left.” Lance gave him another direct look. “Come home and be part of it again.”
Nick raked his fingers through his hair, then rubbed the back of his neck. “I can’t, Lance, not yet anyway.”
“Then leave Hanna here to her life and her career. What can you give her but long absences and anxious days alone?”
NICK THOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING his brother said to him all that night as he sat by Hanna’s bedside and watched her sleep. In his heart, he knew Lance was right. He didn’t have anything to give her, except months at a time of separation and loneliness. She’d be away from her friends and family. Colleen was eighty-one years old. Now that Dylan was dead, Hanna was all she had left. Nick knew how much Colleen needed and loved her granddaughter.
And Hanna would have to start all over at another hospital if she moved to southern California or anywhere else with him. She might not get another teaching job. And was it really possible for him to get safely stationed somewhere stateside like he’d been hoping? Hell, after hearing from his CO, it didn’t look like it.
The longer he stared at Hanna, the more he also knew, though, how much it was going to cost him to leave her. He had come to realize how very much he loved her and needed her. He’d almost died when she had. They’d gone too far together this time.
When he left her, he wouldn’t be able to simply resume a close friendship with her. He couldn’t write to her like he had before. He couldn’t call her, send her gifts. If he was going to do this, it had to be a total break. He couldn’t come back in the future and expect to resume anything with her. He had to let her get on with her life. To maybe find someone else, someone more stable, more reliable.
The thought of her falling in love with and marrying someone else someday tore him apart. He knew it might even be his brother. She could end up being his sister-in-law. Heaven help him! He couldn’t even begin to deal with that possibility! He might never come home again if he had to watch the two of them together.
It was past midnight when he wearily lifted himself out of the chair beside her bed. Leaning over her as she slept, he gave her one last gentle kiss. Afraid his resolve would falter if he stayed longer, he brought the kiss to a halt before it awakened her, then turned and walked out of her room, absolutely certain it was the hardest thing he’d ever done or would do, knowing he’d be dealing with the pain and loss a long, long time.
CHAPTER 29
“WELL, DOCTOR WALLACE, HOW’S MY PATIENT TODAY?”
The familiar booming voice brought Hanna out of a fitful sleep. She’d been dreaming about.... No, she wasn’t going to make it painfully real by recalling it. She tried to sit up, but it hurt. She groaned. The surgeon in front of her, holding her chart, immediately hurried to raise her bed.
“Take it easy, lady, or you’ll rupture my fantastic stitching job.”
Hanna smiled grimly at Doctor Bill Hurley. He had been one of her favorite teachers in medical school and a faithful mentor ever since. He’d helped her get through all the long grueling hours of residency, and taught with her at the University of Washington Medical School. He was a brilliant surgeon. He practiced out of Seattle, but she saw him fairly regularly. Twenty years older than her, he was also a close friend. He had come over to be part of her trauma team, then had returned twice since surgery to check on her.
“Why don’t you just give me my chart, Bill, and let me read my prognosis?”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh, God save me! Doctors make the worst patients. No confidence in anyone but themselves. Think they know it all,” he grumbled, but it was a good-natured complaint.
Hanna smiled. She couldn’t laugh yet, for a lot of reasons. “Okay,” she said, throwing up her hands. “Tell me how I am.”
“Well, to start with, you lost one kidney, but I suppose you’ve heard that.”
She nodded. “I’ve got a spare,” she reminded him nonchalantly. What did a kidney matter? It was her heart that was beyond repair.
“That’s right. Your second kidney will enlarge itself and take over for the lost one.” He studied her for a moment, noting her half-hearted interest. “Your renal vein was ruptured, as well as your upper femoral vein. You lost one hell of a lot of blood, Hanna.” He gave her a long penetrating look. “You would have died long before you got to a hospital if it hadn’t been for Colonel Kelly’s quick intervention. He knew where to stem the blood loss, and getting the Coast Guard’s fastest medevac helicopter to transport you here made all the difference. You were a long way from a trauma center.”
“I know.” He’d saved her life, then killed her soul. “And my shoulder?” She didn’t mean to sound so flippant, but she hurt— everywhere, damn it!
“The bullet that struck you there chipped a piece out of your collar bone and tore some muscle, nothing too serious. You’ll have full movement of your shoulder in a couple of weeks.”
“So when can I go home, then get back to work?”
The surgeon’s frown disappeared, and he threw his head back and laughed. “Now that sounds like a normal patient question!” Clearing his throat, he continued. “Because you lost so much blood and then that kidney, we need to monitor you for a while. You also need to regain your strength. Knowing you, if I let you go too early, you’ll be right back to working twelve hour days. So....” He gave her a long, no-nonsense stare. “I’m keeping you here another week, then ordering a month’s recuperation at home. I will not release you to resume work until then, Doctor Wallace. And I’ve talked to your boss, so don’t try to go around me. You’re too good of a doctor and teacher to risk losing you. Get well, then resume your life,” he ordered sternly.
Resume what life? The same old lonely one she’d had for years? Hard work was all she had left. It was once again the only cure for Nick and her lost dreams.
As he turned to leave, Doctor Hurley noticed the huge bouquet of flowers beside her bed. There were flowers all over her room, in fact. But the ones on the table beside her were spectacular.
“You must have one very ardent admirer, Doctor,” he noted with a smile as he bent to smell the roses. “About time someone snatched you up. It wouldn’t happen to be that big good-looking Marine you grew up with, would it? Colonel Nick Kelly, isn’t it? He looked like he might strangle me if I didn’t keep you breathing.”
Hanna couldn’t answer him. She let her head fall back against the pillows and closed her eyes, avoiding a response. She could barely hold back the tears. Luckily, Bill Hurley left without waiting for her response. As soon as the door closed behind him, she pulled one of the long stemmed roses out of its vase and brought it to her nose.
It was among two dozen red and pink others, placed in a gorgeous cut crystal vase. They were the only thing left of Nick Kelly. The flowers had been delivered yesterday, the day after he�
��d left. The card he’d signed was sweet and final. “Get Well and Live Well, My Beautiful Hanna. Love, Nick.”
She knew what it meant— goodbye. Whatever else he might have meant wasn’t important. Only the goodbye. Tears streamed down her cheeks and over the velvety petals of her single red rose. Well, hell! What did she think had been going to happen? He hadn’t said he loved her. She’d known all along he wouldn’t put aside his career and return home to be with her. She might have hoped for more, but he’d never fed those hopes.
And she had a feeling that she had lost his friendship, too. Live well sounded so final, she doubted she’d hear from him again. And it might be a long, long time before she saw him again. She’d lost it all— the past and the future. The dream of Nick Kelly she had carried in her heart all her life was over. Her physical wounds hurt every time she moved, but the wounds to her heart and soul would bleed for a lifetime.
The anguish of it made her recovery slow and miserable. For the next week, she got up and walked a bit every day, but never enough to satisfy the nurse on duty. Her strength felt drained, almost nonexistent. The painkillers she took eased the ache of her body, but not of her heart.
There were always lots of visitors. Jessie, Lance, Christine, and Colleen came every day. Once in the while Christopher and Katie were allowed in for a brief visit. Their bright little spirits always lifted hers a bit. Except for the fact that Christopher kept asking when his Uncle Nick was coming home again. The mere mention of his name rekindled Hanna’s anguish.
Kurt and his wife, Trisha, came to visit her a couple of times, as well. Since they were unaware that Nick and she were a thing of the past, they talked about him a lot.
Kurt told her that Nick had called him from Virginia to check on the Chen case. Thankfully, the FBI agent assumed she talked to Nick fairly regularly. Hanna wasn’t about to tell him and Trisha it was over between them, which meant she couldn’t ask them how Nick was doing or even what exactly he was doing. All she knew was that he had flown to Virginia for several weeks to conduct some special training, and then he was off to Florida to do the same.
Kurt also updated her on the status of the case against Li Chen and his drug cartel. The Canadians were still haggling over jurisdiction with the United States. As a result, it would be a while before the man went to trial, but he was out of business and his operation shut down.
She learned that Sheriff Thomas and three men with him had been found dead inside a demolished elevator at the bottom of the shaft at the compound. Phillip Douglas had been arrested and was being prosecuted for his involvement in the drug ring. The police chief was working with the prosecuting attorney, so he was being promised some kind of deal for his cooperation.
Hanna had read the local papers from her hospital bed. She knew Douglas had told the police that Thomas had killed Yancy Masters. That had, of course, cleared Nick’s name. And Douglas had stated publicly that Deputy Sheriff Dylan Wallace had really been killed in the line of duty. Her brother’s name had been cleared, and he had been belatedly and publically honored for his bravery. Many of his friends on the force came by to thank her for that.
There had also been some interest in her from some media outlets in Seattle. They had plagued her for days about giving them an interview. To get rid of them, she had finally acquiesced to a couple of short ones. She told them what had happened to her brother and Nick’s, and a little bit about some of the ordeal they had gone through to bring Lance home again. To her dismay, the interview had not only been carried on the local television stations, but also on the national ones. In typical feminine fashion, she had worried about her appearance.
In addition to all that, a steady stream of her colleagues and medical students visited and phoned. Then there was Doctor Rick Penman. He came every day to see her. Of course, he was at the hospital, so he always included her on his rounds. Occasionally, even Ashley Davis stopped in to say hello. She never failed to ask her if she had heard anything recently from Nick, either. Hanna dreaded her visits because of it.
After a week of all the commotion and the confinement, Hanna begged Bill Hurley to let her go home to rest and recuperate. When she promised not to step back inside the hospital for another month, he released her.
Jessie, Christine, and Lance came to take her home at the end of a week. As Hanna rode home from the hospital in the back seat of Jessie’s car, she stared wistfully out the window at the ocean beyond and contemplated taking her Emerald Mermaid out soon. Maybe she wasn’t strong enough yet, but she might be in another week, if she got a lot of rest and started walking around more.
“A penny for your thoughts,” Lance said from his position next to her.
“I was just thinking about taking the Emerald Mermaid out before I have to go back to work. I’ve been wanting to sail her up through the Strait of Georgia, then Johnstone, through Queen Charlotte Strait, around the northern end of Vancouver Island, and home, down the western side.”
Lance stared at her like she’d lost her mind. “You just got out of the hospital. Doctor Hurley will have a heart attack! That’s a big trip.”
Hanna raised an eyebrow at him. “It’s been nearly two weeks since my surgery. If I spend another week recuperating, I think I’ll be well enough to sail. And we don’t need to say anything to Bill Hurley. He just told me not to go back to work for a month. Sailing will be good for me.”
From the front seat, Jessie cast a quick look over her shoulder, then met Christine’s glance. The discussion in the back seat had caught both of their attention.
Lance angled his body to look at Hanna more directly. “Fine. I’ll go with you. I’ll sail. You rest— sunbathe on deck.”
She smiled indulgently at him. “That sounds nice, Lance, but I want to be alone for a while. I’ve had so many visitors and phone calls. I need to get away by myself. And I need a vacation, a real one this time.”
“Hanna....”
She saw he didn’t like that. She reached over and covered his hand with hers, squeezing it. “I’ll be fine, Lance,” she reassured him. “You did a fine job on that sloop. She sails like a dream. I’ve never had the slightest trouble taking her out alone. And you have a business to get caught up on. The guys at the boat shop have definitely missed you.”
“Yeah, they told me they tried to get Nick to do a salvage dive.”
Hanna winced. It still happened every time someone said his name. Jessie astutely came to her rescue.
“He would have, if he’d had the time. But his priority was finding you,” she told her younger son.
Colleen was on the front porch, in her favorite chair, rocking Katie to sleep when they drove up. Christopher was beside her, playing with some big Tonka trucks. Lance helped Hanna out of the car and up to the porch, grasping her elbow and taking it slow. Christopher got up to run to his dad. Hanna moved gingerly around him to sit down in the second rocking chair, next to her grandmother. She was stiff, sore, and tired. Jessie noted how pale she was and took her grandson’s hand, then turned to her son, and suggested they all go home. Lance bid Hanna goodbye reluctantly, promising to come back later.
Colleen watched them go, while Christine took the baby into the house to change and feed her. “How are you really feeling, sweetie?” the older woman asked her granddaughter when they were alone.
Hanna stared at the woman who had raised her and loved her for twenty eight years. There were two people on this earth she could never keep any secrets from. One of them was Jessie Price and the other was her grandmother.
“My body’s healing, Grandma, but my heart isn’t. I doubt it ever will.” Against her will, tears filled her eyes. “I loved him so much.”
“Loved?”
She shrugged, acknowledging the older woman’s perceptiveness. “Love. I’ll always love him, even if he never wants to see me again.”
“And what makes you so sure Nicholas never wants to see you again, my little genius?”
Her grandmother hadn’t called her that sinc
e she was a little girl. It coaxed a watery smile out of her. “He left over a week ago, and he hasn’t called or written since. You read the card on his flowers. Get Well and Live Well pretty much says it all, don’t you think? It’s a pretty clear goodbye.”
“I don’t think he wanted to go, baby. I may be old and half blind, but I’d swear on my bible that Nicholas Kelly loves you. I saw it on his face every time he looked at you. A man in love can’t hide it any more than a woman can.”
Hanna shook her head. “I don’t know, Grandma. The bottom line is that he still left, and he didn’t even tell me he was going.”
Christine came back onto the porch twenty minutes later and leaned against the railing. She’d overheard a little bit of Hanna’s comments to her grandmother. She looked at her sister-in-law with feminine sympathy. “You know, Hanna, he stayed by your bedside every day and night until you came out of your coma. Is that the behavior of a man who isn’t in love?”
“He felt guilty. He told me so when I woke up. He’d promised to keep me safe, and he felt he hadn’t done that.”
Christine didn’t appear to accept that as a reason for Nick’s behavior. “He loves you, Hanna,” she insisted. “I’m sure of it.”
She didn’t know if she could afford to believe or even hope her grandmother and sister-in-law were correct. Regardless of what Nick Kelly had felt or didn’t feel, he had left her without a true goodbye or explanation. His message was clear enough to her. He had a career, and he had gotten back to it, without her.
“Think about it, sweetie,” Colleen advised gently.
She gave her grandma a weak smile, her eyes still glistening with tears. She couldn’t help but think about it, but nothing would change the reality of it. “Advice is always so much easier to give than receive, isn’t it?”
Colleen nodded in agreement. “That’s because the one giving the advice is usually in a more objective position than the one receiving it.”
