Have you ever loved someone with everything that you are? All that is in you? Well, that is where I am at. A right next to that I have the Fold. My own people waiting on me. Could it work out here? Could we all be happy here? Would they come? Are they still there? I have to answer that question and soon.
~
Katie's Journal
I spent today taking it easy. There are so many extra hands now, that when Sandy says grounded she means grounded. Now she has two doctors to back her up. I don't actually mind. I have other things I want to do anyway, and it really is getting uncomfortable to do even simple things. It's like I just blew up all at once.
I wrote a poem. It's sort of poetry anyway, about Nellie and Molly. I know Jake is making some stone markers for our little cemetery. There will be a service, maybe I'll read it then. As for the real cemetery, it is quite a way away from the little park at the bottom of the falls, but it is still close enough to be seen from there. I think it needs to be farther away, or... I don't know, but it makes me wonder every time I see it. And I have seen others end up with their eyes locked on it and I know their thoughts have gone wandering too. A cemetery is supposed to be a place of rest, a place to go and remember. I guess we remember but we remember the wrong things.
Bonnie is a musician she joined in tonight and it was really nice to hear her play. She did some instrumental stuff that blew me away. She has talent in those fingers.
It's funny, but in the old world you would see people together and you would see their relationship unfold and grow over the space of weeks or months. In fact weeks, maybe even months might be considered to be moving too fast in that old world. Not here though. Here it's an hour. I know I am exaggerating, but not much. A day or so, any more than that and someone else might be in the picture narrowing up your choices. It's kind of... Well, I guess it would be scary if you really thought about how fast things are changing, but we don't really have it right there up front. It's buried back in your head. A sort of, well, that's just the way it is now, deal. It must seem strange to people sometimes though, or maybe we are all so changed by this that most of us don't even see it anymore.
I saw it happening the last few days and it reminded me how fast it was for Conner and me. I saw him, I knew it in my heart. I just walked over to him and laid it out. Bold!
I was never that way. I'm not shy, but I'm not bold either. I spent a few years on the streets in Syracuse. That took something... Courage? A will to live? Something like that. And when I say streets I mean streets.
At first I drew lines. I won't pass this line. I won't do this, no way will I do that. Ha, I passed every line I drew in the sand. From drugs to riding in cars. Conner knows. Amy knows.
This diary is for the two of you and whoever else I am blessed with. Brothers? Sisters? I don't even know you yet and my mind is skipping ahead to the next thing. But it is fair that you know who I was. It doesn't really mean anything about who I am now. But it is who I was for a while. I'm not proud of it, but maybe I learned something about boldness there. When you have to eat from dumpsters, sleep in abandoned houses and take rides with men that have nothing to do with riding you have to be able to be bold. At least bold enough to feel something. To have hope inside of you. How ever I got it, I am glad I got it, have it. It put me with Conner, your father. It put me right here, right now. It has been a long strange trip, but I am glad I am here. Did I just steal a classical song reference? I'll have to tell you about that song. About life. You don't even know what the world was and you probably never will. It is such a sobering thought. Such an awesome responsibility.
Tomorrow we're going to look deeper into the caves. Follow some tunnels, that shouldn't be too physical. Amy, me, Lilly and Bonnie. Craige and Cindy too, maybe. You can feel air coming through those passages, so they must go somewhere: Who knows what we'll find. I'm looking forward to it.
Today James, Dustin and Josh are out working out some sort of harness system to use the oxen to pull the harvester. That would really save us a lot of time. It is not huge, but it isn't small either. It's designed to offload onto a wagon that runs beside it. The flat wagon we have won't do so they are going to build a couple of new wagons using parts from the trucks.
One of the things they bought back was a welder. Dustin says it will run from a generator until he can get the rest of the work done on the power house.
Jessie Stone was talking last night about the second valley and what lies beyond it. I think if she can convince some of her people to go with her she will go and find out. Maybe even before winter, although I would have to try to talk her out of that. There isn't enough time. Or is there? I have wondered as have the others, when winter will come. It was certainly cut short this past year, so maybe it will be late arriving this fall? Wait and see, I guess.
But I don't think Jessie will stay here... Because of Conner? Maybe, but maybe also because of me, maybe both. I don't know, but my feeling is she won't stay. I don't know what to feel about that. How I should feel, except I can't share that part of my life. Not with her. I can't.
I have Conner. I have Amy. In some ways I am as close to Amy as I am Conner. It is not sexual, it is something else. I couldn't even explain it if I had to. And between the two of us there is nothing to explain. We understand it perfectly well. It just is. Thinking of that made me think that maybe it could be that way between Conner and Jessie, but I don't think it can. And even if it could I don't think I could deal with it. I couldn't, and I don't want to deal with trying to or feeling guilt about it either. Maybe I'm not as open minded as I thought I was. Maybe, inside, I still need too much for me.
Things we know:
The outside world is breaking down faster. There are groups, gangs really, of people fighting for control. Some places already belong to the dead. Conner says you can tell as soon as you get close. You can smell them on the air. You can see the desolation. He and Aaron both think that the dead are getting smarter too. Crazy as that sounds.
As for humankind, us, the living, we are killing each other faster than the dead could ever hope to. People seem caught in the middle of this craziness. There is no law, but their own. If you can kill the dead how long is it until your mind convinces you that it is just as easy, just as right, to kill the living too? People are people, right?
It's later. The sun is up and I spent a little time talking to Amy. Just sitting on the ledge and watching the sun come up across the valley.
I guess there will be some sort of winter here. This morning the air was cooler than it has been. Not a lot, but enough to notice it. And then Amy pointed out that the trees higher in the mountains above the ridge have begun to change already. I hadn't even noticed until then.
Back when this first happened the sun seemed to wander all over the sky. We weren’t sure whether it would ever become normal, something we could depend on, but like everything else it has changed too, and it is fairly normal once more, just different, it rises in the South and sets in the North. The days average out to about twenty-six hours, and are becoming more and more consistent. It used to rise in the East and set in the West and the days were only about twenty-four hours long then. It seems like another permanent change.
I guess I had better get myself moving if I intend to explore these caves with the others...
~
Mikes Journal
I have neglected this for a while now. I have excuses, but I guess I'll save them. In a few months I will be able to see both of you in person. Hold you, and that reminded me what this journal is all about.
Will you read it? The two of you? Our other children? I know I would. Maybe there is something here that will help you. But then maybe you don't need any help. Maybe having lived without the things we were forced to live with, through, will keep you from the doubts that we have. I hope that future is good. Solid. A good society, because really that is what we are doing here, building a new society.
I spent today with James, Jake, Josh and Shar. Dustin and Annie
came along later on too. Dustin is something. He spent the better part of the morning working out a way to hook oxen up to the harvester, and then drew it out and showed James and Josh how it would work. They saw it immediately, but their heads work that way. Mine doesn't so much. Aaron says that doesn't matter. I am like the glue that makes it all work: I don't know about that, but as long as I am necessary. Sometimes I'm not sure. I mean before this I sat at a desk. I lead no one.
I did learn a few things today. Oxen are not a breed of animals, they are bulls, castrated young and then trained. Makes them get larger. And, you can do just as much with horses and oxen as you can do with tractors. I had no idea, and yes, I know how stupid that sounds, I just never thought of it.
We have to build two new wagons for the harvester. We need them lower than the one we have, and narrower too. They are already working on it with long straight pieces of lumber and axles from the trucks. They'll have one done in no time: Once they have one they'll build a second in no time. It is amazing how much talent and ability there is here. They have put off harvesting the wheat until they have both wagons built.
Katie, Amy and a few others are going to do more cave exploring tomorrow. They spent most of today getting ready: Lanterns, rope. They had an idea they would just set out exploring the system, but James put a stop to that. It would be so easy to get lost. So they are going to go slowly and map things out as they go. That seems like something I should have thought of and it never even entered my mind. But I guess that is what a community does, everybody does their best, chips in, helps. It works, at least here it works.
Most of the passageways appear to have been used before. Like this whole section of caves was used by others for decades, maybe even several centuries back in time.
I saw Jess today. I don't know why I should feel guilty about it, but I do. First because she managed to get me alone when I had come back to the horse barn for some leather that Jake needed. And second because she kissed me and it made me respond. Nothing happened, but I also didn't tell Katie about it and I should have. But by the time I realized I should have it was too late to do it. She would have wondered why it took me so long to tell her. Why is it this woman can pull something like that out of me when I don't even want her to?
~
Amy's Journal
Aaron is home and it is so good. I spend so much time trying to be the strong one that I sometimes forget that I'm not really that strong. With Aaron I let him be the strong one. He likes the role. He understands it. He is pure man. It works. I don't know if it could work any other way with him in fact. But it doesn't matter to me because I am fine with that.
With Kate and I, it works both ways. Sometimes I am strong and sometimes it is her. But no matter. We carry or are carried as it needs to be. I have never had a relationship with another woman the way I have with her. Sometimes I think the love I have for her is the same as the love I have for Aaron. Sometimes it feels like that is a lie though, and I could never feel the way I feel about her for anyone else. Other times I am sure I could never give up either of them. I think it is the same for her.
We are not together like Aaron and I are together. It is not a sexual relationship like that. It is something else. Something that no one, but she can fill. A need, I guess. But they say we change as we grow, and don't we? Is what I have right now all that I will ever need or want from her? All I know is that I would not be able to give her up for any reason at all. And if it went there? I would go there too.
Tomorrow we'll do the big exploration. We had no idea how to go about it so we spent a whole day getting ready for it. It seems like it was a day that everyone spent getting ready to do other things. No climbing. No serious exertion. The law has been laid down to us. Truthfully, I am a big chickenshit when it comes to closed in, dark spaces, but Kate wants to do it so I'm in. And it will probably be exciting too.
Sandy, Susan, Steve and Joe are taking over another area of the cave for medicine stuff. I thought, Why not Jess Stone too? No reason why, but she isn't in it. I guess she is staying out of it for a reason. I know something happened between her and Conner. Kate knows, but she doesn't seem to be too worried. Hopefully whatever it was is passed.
THREE
September 30th year one
“So you're going with Aaron and James to cut hay all day long?” Katie asked.
“And Shar... She's with Josh now, but we're not going to cut hay. That machine will do that too, but we're going to use it so it strips out the seed. It strips out the seed and then drops the stem back down. We'll leave that for a few days and then come back and get it when it's dry.”
“I don't get it, Baby. You completely lost me. Why not take it all?”
“Because this is for us,” he smiled and kissed her lightly. “We only want the grain. We'll get a little of the stem too, but we'll take care of that as we put it up. The stem that drops down becomes hay. It still has protein value just not as much as the seeds have. Good for the horses and cows.” He kissed her once more. “We'll harvest that in a week or so once it dries out.” He smiled.
Katie tilted her head to one side. “So if you explain it to me you have to kiss me to make it work out in your head?” She smiled back at him.
“It helps,” Conner agreed. He kissed her once more.
“Okay. That last kiss helped to clarify it. You'll take the seed from this, leave the rest on the ground. Now the other stuff you harvest you'll cut the whole thing, stem and seed for the winter supply for the animals, that isn't for us.” She stood on tip toe and kissed him fully on the lips.
“You got it,” Conner said. “Hey, I think you're a lot smarter than you appear, and you're just stringing me along, passing out kisses to inspire thought, but you already have it figured out completely.” He stepped closer and peered intently down into her eyes.
“You are a bright one, Baby.” She giggled, pecked his cheek and stepped back. “If you don't go I'm going to take you back into the bedroom. I seem to be very forgetful this morning. And if that happens the grain doesn't get done and the girls will be here looking for me to explore those caves.” She pulled a fake frown and then giggled again. Conner pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.
“So, really, w can eat this grain you guys are cutting today?” She stared up into his eyes her serious look back on her face.
“James said so. This is wild wheat, rye, it grows everywhere. It isn't the highest protein value, the stuff we planted is though. This is what we'll make due with until our own is in and we harvest it. This can be used for anything that grain is used for. Flour, our main use for it... But cereals are grain too, it can be used in a lot of ways. We'll mix it all together. Next year we'll have our own crops, much higher yield, James says.”
“But we could use the fields just as they are,” Katie asked.
“Of course,” Conner agreed.
“So-don't you dare think I'm dumb-but why are we planting the wheat if we have fields of wheat. How much different could the seeds be?”
“Much different... It's the protein value, Babe. You, and I'm making up numbers here, James knows the real ones, but it's like, say two percent protein in a wild seed and five percent in a genetically altered seed. See, we have altered all the seed we use for crops, I mean the sellers in the old days did. They figured out ways to get higher yields, more protein, bigger seed heads, like that. It's the same with virtually every crop.”
She nodded thoughtfully.
“Why so curious?” he asked.
She frowned. “Okay... A little talk about genetically altered seed, food stuffs maybe being the cause of all of this... I was just wondering,” She seemed embarrassed.
“Ah, the talk around the campfire? One of the new people?”
“Jessie's... Joe? Not trying to throw an opinion out there, but he just bought it up.” Katie told him. “Probably nothing, right?” She edged closer again and wrapped her hands around his waist.
“Not a problem at all. James and
I discussed that. The seed we got was fine... You remember hearing planes fly over Old Towne, back then?” Conner asked.
“No I... I'm not sure,” Katie admitted.
“They sprayed something. That's what we think... Steve Choi? He thought he saw something like that. Adam did to. I saw it, wasn't sure, but Adam saw them spray Central Park... It was something in that.” He stepped close and kissed her. “Okay?”
She smiled and nodded. She reached up and kissed him more deeply.
“You trying to make me late, Baby?” Conner asked as he kissed her back.
“Hey, you made me late... Months late,” she told him as she pulled him back toward the bedroom.
~
“How far did you guys go?” Craige asked. He held a torch, but it was unlit. They all carried lanterns and the moving air currents coming from the tunnels made the flames jump and dance on the wicks. The torches were just back ups in case they needed them.
“Not very,” Katie admitted. “Me, Aim, Lilly and Janna went in searching for rooms for storage. We found more than we thought we'd ever need so we didn't bother searching further. We did block the tunnels off as best we could, more out of concern that one of the kids would go wandering and get lost or something.” She looked around at the other women who nodded.
Craige nodded. “So, we'll split up? You, Amy and Lilly take everything to the left, Bonnie, Cindy and I will take everything to the right?”
“Works for me,” Katie agreed. “But we won't really be separated, right? When we're checking you'll be waiting, when you’re checking we will?”
Craige nodded. “I think that's the best way to do it. That should be safe for all of us. Mark the walls as you go and no one will get lost, now or down the road some time.”
They all had huge chunks of charcoal to mark with. It made a mess of your hands, Katie had already found out the hard way, she had a long black streak down one cheek that Lilly had pointed out, but it did work.
Earth's Survivors Box Set [Books 1-7] Page 112
