The Life and Death
of Fortune Cookie Tyrant
Dean Wesley Smith
The Life and Death of Fortune Cookie Tyrant
Copyright © 2013 by Dean Wesley Smith
Published by WMG Publishing
Cover Design copyright © 2012 WMG Publishing
Cover photo copyright © Lindsay Douglas/Dreamstime
First published in If I Were An Evil Overlord
edited by Martin H. Greensberg and Russell Davis.
2007 Daw Books
Smashwords Edition
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. All rights reserved.
This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.
One
You will live your life by direct instructions.
— Chinese Fortune Cookie
The origin of a tyrant is often a mixture of common sense, wild strangeness, and a lot of luck. Those three factors led to the creation of one of the world’s most feared and misunderstood dictators, Fortune Cookie Tyrant, or just FC among his minions when speaking of him in private.
Every great ruler’s story usually starts with a single event. Seven-month-old Fortune Cookie Tyrant, then named Steven, had just soiled his diaper while strapped into his high-chair near his mother, Betty, at the end of the table at Fon Wong’s Emporium and Lounge. The smell of Steven’s little event mixed well with the smell of the last few bites of fried rice and over-cooked chow mein, so, for a while, no one noticed.
Steven’s dad, Frank, burped, pushed his plate aside and leaned back, patting his growing bear gut. “Good food.”
Every Wednesday night he said the same thing after eating the same dinner at Fo Wong’s, so Betty just nodded and kept eating. He always finished ahead of her and then wanted to leave, so her only hope now of enjoying the last few bites of food was to work fast.
Steven, being somewhat uncomfortable with the nature call, started to “fuss,” as his mother called it.
Sensing that Steven was going to be a problem, and wanting to just finish the last few mouthfuls of her dinner, Betty reached over and gave Steven a fortune cookie that had been left on top of the bill. It had been her cookie, but at this point it didn’t matter.
Distracted for the moment from the loaded diaper, Steven played with the cookie, finally managing to crack it open before putting it in his mouth, fortune and all.
“Whoa there, big fella,” his dad said, reaching over and pulling the paper and most of the cookie from Steven’s mouth. “You gotta read the fortune before eating it.”
Betty laughed and just kept eating, glad for the few extra moments, as Frank opened the fortune and read it aloud. “Big fella, it says you will live your life by direct instructions.”
Steven’s father grunted and glanced at Betty before tossing the slip of paper on the table between the dirty plates. “What kinda stupid fortune is that?”
Actually, unknown to either Frank or Betty or the growingly more uncomfortable Fortune Cookie Tyrant, it was a charmed fortune, cursed by the magic of an angry Chinese man whose brother had slept with his wife.
The cookie had been specially made for the man’s brother, with the curse on the fortune intended to let the angry man push his brother around and pay him back for his deed by giving him fortune cookies with really nasty instructions inside. But as luck would have it, the charmed cookie that was to set the entire process in motion was lost in the packing process. Instead of being sent to the angry man who could then give it to his brother, it was added to a shipment headed for the United States, where it ended up in Steven’s hands at Fo Wong’s Emporium and Lounge.
Common sense, wild luck, and a strange curse had come together to change Steven into Fortune Cookie Tyrant, a man whose entire life and the future of the entire world was to be steered by the fortunes included in small desserts.
As life would have it, Steven’s parents were killed the following weekend in a tragic deer hunting accident,. Steven was sent to live with his wicked and uncaring aunt who hated Chinese food. Thus it was twenty years and five months before Steven got his next “fortune” and came to realize his true powers for evil.
Two
The date with Amy wasn’t going well.
They had met in a freshman United States history class at the university and smiled at each other for a few classes before Steven had had the courage to talk to her, and eventually ask her for a date. Steven, at this point in his life, was not an attractive man. He looked like a bad cross between a movie nerd scientist and Ichobod Crane. He had just come into his last growth and had the social skills of a stumbling tenth grader, even though he was in college.
Amy was no real catch, either, but for Steven, any woman who agreed to go out with him was someone special. He had fantasized for days about making love to her.
Now, sitting in Amy’s favorite Chinese restaurant, the conversation had lagged and become strained toward the end of dinner, and all Steven could think about was how he was going to get her back to his dorm room and into bed. He had no idea what she was thinking about, and had no idea how to ask her. In fact, he had no idea at all what to even talk about next. It was that sort of uncomfortable moment.
She picked up the tray holding the two fortune cookies, smiled at him from behind her thick glasses, and said, “You first.”
He took the small cookie, she handed him the tray, then she took the second. He was about to pop the entire thing into his mouth when she broke hers open and took out the little slip of paper.
He did the same, puzzling at the strange feeling that came over him when he read the words, “Intuition will help you solve puzzling problems.”
He glanced up at her as she shook her head at her fortune and then flipped it toward him. “Dumb, really dumb. I’m supposed to come into money shortly. Yeah, that’s going to happen. Why can’t they ever do anything original with these cookies?”
Steven wasn’t listening. He knew instantly how to solve his problem, how to get her back to his dorm room, and into a position they might both enjoy. He didn’t know how he knew, but with one look at her, he just knew.
Not allowing himself to stop and think about what he was doing, he reached his hand past the half-eaten plate of pork rice and touched her hand, looking into her startled eyes.
“I’ve got a confession to make,” he said, letting himself smile just a little to not make his words seem threatening, “I’ve been sitting here this entire dinner trying not to stare at you. You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I just had to tell you that.”
His words were smooth, smoother than he had ever spoken in his life, his voice deeper, his tone perfect, his eyes focused and caring. Steven marveled at himself as this new power took over his body, smoothly talking to Amy, making her laugh, making her squeeze his hand with the promise of the night.
From that moment on, he said the exact right thing at every exact right moment.
And considering that he had never been with a woman his entire life, and had only watched a few porn films, he was a perfect lover as well. It seemed that the power to know how to solve her needs, as well as his own, stuck with him long after the dinner was gone.
The next morning, after she had left with a long kiss and a hope for more time with him, the power didn’t go with her. He just sort of knew how to solve problems, how to deal with things that just the day before would have left him puzzled and lost.
And from that day forwar
d his classes, once challenging, got insanely easy. He knew how to get extra money when he needed it, how to make himself look better, and how to talk a woman into bed. Within a few months, he had a new wardrobe, had moved into an apartment, had bought a nice car, and still had a perfect grade point average.
Fortune Cookie Tyrant had taken his first step toward world domination and control, and not once did he link it to the fortune in the cookie, thus it was over a year before he took his second step toward his true destiny.
Three
The football game had been awful, and the team had lost badly, making Steven’s mood at the Chinese dinner more somber than excited. He had never played football because he had always been too skinny and uncoordinated and his aunt had hated the game. But that didn’t matter. He loved watching football, and over the last year had become one of the university team’s biggest fans.
Across the table from Steven was his date, Jane, a woman with few brains, long legs, and a sexual appetite that needed to be fed often. At first the combination had attracted him, along with the fact that she was way out of his class on looks. But now, after dating for almost three weeks, he had to admit she was starting to wear him out.
Besides that, the conversation with her when they weren’t making love was deadly dull.
“Oh, I love fortune cookies,” Jane said, clapping her hands like she was kid and reaching for one as the waiter set the bill down on the table.
Steven just shook his head, took the left-over cookie and broke it apart. Then he read the fortune. “Your natural ability with words will make you a leader that many will follow.”
“Yeah, right,” he said, flipping the fortune back onto the table. But he could feel that something around the table, around the entire restaurant had suddenly changed. Everyone was looking at him. It creeped him out.
He checked to make sure he didn’t have a big hunk of pork hanging off his nose or a noodle caught in his hair. Nothing. Even his zipper was up and tight.
“What shall we do next?” Jane asked, her eyes peering into his like his every word suddenly mattered. She was leaning forward, showing him a nice view of one of her best assets.
Steven glanced around at everyone watching him as the silence in the restaurant settled in.
Creepy.
He glanced back down at the table and the fortune caught his eye. “... a leader that many will follow.” His intuition sense told him that he had gained something special tonight.
But for the first time in a long time, he wanted to test that sense.
He looked directly at Jane. He’d had a great dream the other night about watching her dance naked. Why not try that. “I’m up for some dancing naked in the street.”
He said it just loud enough for most of the patrons in the small restaurant to hear. He wanted to just shock those staring at him, make them look away. But actually, more than anything, he wanted to see Jane dancing naked in the street. That would be a lot of fun.
“Great idea!” Jane said, again clapping her hands together like she was ten. “I wish I had thought of that. I’m ready when you are.”
He swallowed and glanced at the slip of paper on the table, then up at Jane. Maybe this fantasy was about to come true.
Then he noticed that instead of snickers from the other patrons around the restaurant, they were nodding, laughing, putting their napkins on unfinished meals, talking to each other about how wonderful it would be to dance naked in the street.
Steven sat there, stunned. The entire restaurant was getting ready to follow him out the front door.
He picked up the little piece of paper with the fortune, stared at it, one word coming clearly to focus. “...many...”
Which meant not all. He glanced around at all the excited people getting ready to follow him.
There were two people out of the thirty or so who weren’t getting ready to do anything. They were just sitting, looking stunned at what was being suggested around them. One was a young woman with long black hair, and the other a blond-headed jock-like man with a chiseled jaw.
Not everyone would follow his lead.
But most would.
A good lesson to learn.
He shrugged. He had to see where this would lead, but his intuition power told him that it would lead anywhere he wanted it to lead.
Ten minutes later, fully clothed, he stood on the sidewalk watching as the entire customer base of the restaurant except for two, danced naked in the street. Cars had stopped and many onlookers in the buildings were staring. Luckily, it wasn’t a bad sight, considering it was a restaurant full of college students. Steven told Jane, loud enough for everyone close by to hear, to keep dancing and that he would be back.
Jane nodded and everyone kept dancing to some silent music, all stark nude. With his words, a number of pedestrians and drivers who had been watching nodded, took their clothes off and joined in.
The two that hadn’t followed him were standing in the restaurant door, staring at him.
He waved at them, then with a laugh that didn’t sound anywhere near as evil as he wanted it to, he walked off down the street, thinking about what had just happened and what it meant to his future.
Fortune Cookie Tyrant had taken his second step to world domination. He was coming to understand some of his powers and he knew he was going to enjoy using them. He just didn’t know what exactly to do with them just yet.
Four
The next morning, Steven stared at the headlines in the morning paper as he sipped his morning coffee while sitting at the long counter in Larry’s Diner and Deli.
Nude party breaks out in Chinese Restaurant.
The article said that no one really knew what happened, only that dancing nude in the street had sounded like fun and so they did it. Thirty-two people. Public indecency charges were pending.
Steven laughed and tossed the paper onto the counter. Being from a broken home and having been raised by his evil and uncaring aunt, Steven had very few morals. Normally, a nerd like Steven would have had few chances to push against what morals he did have. He had just assumed he would end up working some dead-end job, marry some woman who would go to fat after two kids, and die mostly broke with a bunch of grandkids arguing over his comic book collection.
But now it seemed he had a more promising future. He could run a big company, he could become a senator or even the president. Or he could just get very, very rich and live an easy life surrounded by beautiful woman.
Or maybe he could do all those things.
“Why not?” Steven said out loud.
The guy two seats away down the counter said, “I agree. Why not?”
Steven glanced at him, then around at the diner. The cook, the waitress, and the five other customers were all staring at him, waiting for him to say something, like what he might say might be important.
Creepy. Having this kind of power over everyone around him might just get old. Then Steven laughed and said out loud, “That’s not going to happen.”
Everyone in the restaurant nodded. “You’re right,” the guy said beside him. “That’s not going to happen.”
He glanced at the waitress. “You sure you don’t mind paying for my breakfast?”
She blinked, surprised, then smiled and said, “Not a problem.”
“Thanks,” he said, laughing and heading for the door.
This new power was going to be a lot of fun. But first, he had a lot of planning to do.
That afternoon, Steven went back to his apartment and started to do some research on the net. He needed to know how others had gained vast wealth and power if he was going to follow in their footsteps. He needed to know their history, and the steps they took to keep the power.
And most of all, he needed to know what they did wrong. If he was going to get as much power as he was hoping to get, he needed to know how others lost theirs.
While running computer searches on different references to power, presidents, Caesars, dictators, and other tyrants
through history, he came across a web site that was titled “The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord.”
The site was supposed to be a joke, aimed at all the bad cliches in Evil Overlords in fiction, but Steven knew better. The sight was a great reference guide to stop those who wouldn’t follow him. Those two in that restaurant clearly haunted him, worried him more than he wanted to let on. And the top 100 things were rules all aimed at stopping those kinds of people.
Steven printed off the 100 rules and studied them carefully over the next few days. Most of the suggestions were things that would matter later in his climb to riches, power, and maybe even world control. He was starting to really think big.
But many of the suggestions in that list would help him on his rise to power. For example,
#4. “Shooting is not too good for my enemies.”
Steven would always keep that firmly in mind, along with #24. “I will always maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.”
Then, after posting the list on his bulletin board in his kitchen, he took out the little slip of paper he had gotten from the fortune cookie and reread it one more time.
He needed to see if what he was thinking was right, that he had gotten his powers somehow from these fortune cookies. So he headed back to the Chinese restaurant he and Jane had eaten at the night before.
The employees were amazingly happy to see him as he came through the door, considering that most of them were facing charges for dancing nude and the restaurant was being investigated for spiking the food in some manner. Even with all that, there were still twenty people eating in the place and the moment he spoke to the man behind the front counter, they all stopped and turned to listen.
“I’d love to buy from you a large bag of your fortune cookies,” Steven said.
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