by Tasha Fawkes
Chad laughed. I'd seen his smile hundreds of times over dozens of videos, but there was something different about the way he smiled just then. Maybe it was in my head. Maybe it was wishful thinking. But something seemed different about him. And hell, I liked it.
Ten
Chad
Brin approached the platform, gripping anxiously onto the wooden fencing.
"What's going through that beautiful head of yours?" I called forward to her.
She swiveled her head and looked back at me. "Certain death."
"Nothing too serious then," I replied.
Brin laughed and glanced back out at the yawning abyss in front of her. We were well above the trees, and the zip line disappeared into the distance along the curve of the valley. It was a beautiful sight, made dazzling by Brin's terrified smile.
When it came to activities, I always went first. No question, no doubt. I was the star of the show, and I didn't share that limelight. But when Brin bravely asked to take the zip line before me, I had no problem stepping back and watching her do her thing. In fact, I was beginning to realize that I preferred it. I liked being behind her, and it wasn't just because of her fantastic ass. Now that she'd come out on her own a bit more, she was just glowing. She approached every challenge with enthusiasm and an untenable smile. Seeing her lose herself in the day's activities, drop every facade and every piece of her shell behind, was exhilarating to me in a way zip lining and cliff jumping never would be.
Hell, I even preferred watching her to watching the view counts rack up on my video. I was addicted to fame, but the more time I spent with Brin, the more I began to suspect my addiction was going in another direction.
"Here goes nothing," Brin called back. "Make sure you get this since I most likely will not survive."
She shot us a cheeky grin, which Martin undoubtedly loved, and pushed off from the platform with a scream that sounded more like a war cry. The zip line squealed, and she plummeted down into the valley. I watched her form speed away and turned to Martin.
"She's something, isn't she?"
Martin nodded, staring at me on the screen of the camera. "Careful or Brin might end up being more popular than you."
"I don't see why not. I already like her more than me." I winked and hooked my trolley onto the aerial runway. We were waiting for a radio from the guide on the other end, who would let us know when it was clear for me to go. Martin would follow. Russell stayed at the hotel for today, since his job was behind the scenes anyway. Sometimes he came along for a laugh, but he always craved the more dangerous activities.
When the radio crackled to life and told me that I was clear to go, I winked at the camera and set off without further ado. I'd been zip lining a ton of times, and while the experience was thrilling every time, it was never as fun as the first few times. But this time, this time it was different.
This time I knew Brin was waiting for me on the other end.
The valley stretched out before me, green and lush. I tried to take it all in, tried to stay in the moment, but something kept niggling at the back of my mind. I shouldn't be enjoying Brin's company so much, not when I'd brought her here with an ulterior motive. She wasn't supposed to be this fun; she wasn't supposed to make me feel so alive. No, not alive. I always felt alive. But something about her made me feel something I never felt—calm. No longer restless, no longer shaking inside with the need to do something, be something, achieve something. She made me appreciate the moments in life for what they were, not for what I could package them up and sell them as later on. Lori never made me feel like that. Lori fit in perfectly with my brand because she encouraged me to think about views and comments and how each second of my day was an opportunity to make something happen. All eyes were on me, just the way they were supposed to be.
The landing platform began to materialize in the distance. I got closer and saw Brin's outline next to the guide, waving. I waved back, and all the mental confusion that I'd experienced on the way down evaporated. Just like that.
I braked and hit the landing platform with both feet. Brin was excitedly cheering me on.
"That was great!" she said. "I'm beginning to see why you do all this."
Funny, I thought, because I was beginning to wonder the same thing.
I hopped up next to her, and the guide radioed for Martin to come down. For the first time all day we had a moment alone without Martin or the camera. Even though we'd had sex this morning, it still surprised me when she flung her arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug.
"This is exactly what I needed," she said.
I didn't know whether she meant the zip lining or me. I found myself hoping it was the latter, even though I knew it was wrong to think so. This wasn't why I brought her. This wasn't supposed to happen. Even though I wasn't opposed to the idea of us sleeping together on this trip, I never thought it would be so consuming. I never thought the lines between fake and real would get so blurred.
And I never expected to wish there wasn't a line at all.
Martin came barreling toward us and the moment passed. I couldn't afford to think about this anymore; I needed to put myself in work mode. I pasted on a cheesy grin and helped Martin up onto the platform, smacking him heartily on the back.
"Ever miss that nine to five?" I asked.
He chuckled. "I could take it or leave it. At least with my nine to five, I didn't have to look at your ugly mug all day." He knocked his shoulder against mine playfully, and we both laughed.
I lived for these moments. The adrenaline, the endorphins, the moment of reflection where I remembered that this was the life I'd built for myself, and I'd done it well. It was one of the few times I felt truly satisfied. I suspected the rush made it easier to be so.
The funny thing was, I was getting to feel like this more often without having to do anything crazy at all. I'd felt this way after having sex with Brin this morning.
It was enough for me just to lie there with her. I didn't feel like I had to get up and rush off to make my name in the world. For a moment, I was allowed to just be.
We finished zip lining and hopped in the Jeep to head to our next adventure—off-road ATVing. I knew Brin was going to love and we'd be able to get some great shots. She was a star. Why somebody hadn't snapped her off that dingy Vegas stage and put her in the spotlight, I didn't know. Finding her had been like finding a priceless treasure.
I crested the hill and stopped my ATV, staring out in awe at the miles and miles of unspoiled greenery that filled my view. In the distance, the volcanic ridges rose into jagged peaks, covered with thick vegetation. It was easy to believe the hills were sleeping gods when viewed like this. There was no other way to explain such magnificence.
Brin pulled up beside me and whistled. "That is one hell of a view." She chuckled. "You hit the jackpot, Chad. I don't think there's any person in the world who can say that they have a better job than you."
Martin was still ripping around behind us, a fair ways back. I hoped he didn't catch up for a while.
"There's always something better," I replied.
Brin looked at me, brow furrowed. "What kind of attitude is that to have? You've gotta be happy with what you've got."
I shrugged. "I've never been very good at that."
"You're saying that you look at all this," she gestured dramatically to the beauty of the hills, "and you can still sit there and not be fulfilled?"
Nobody had ever questioned me about this before. I didn't quite know what to say.
"Is it wrong to think there's room for improvement?" I asked.
A breeze caught the stray hairs that had fallen out of Brin's ponytail and carried them across the bridge of her nose. She didn't make any move to push them away, merely stared at me hard.
"I don't think you meant it like that." She shook her head. "I just don't get you. You've achieved so much, and you put out this confident persona, but I can see the self-doubt rattling around your head sometimes."
"I can honestly say I've never been confronted atop a mountain," I joked.
Brin didn't like that. She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow.
"That's another thing. You avoid questions with humor."
"I didn't think it was a question."
"Of course it was. I want to know what it's going to take for you to be happy."
"Ask me a question I can answer." I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "In the name of hilltop confrontations..." I winced. The only person I'd ever talked to about this was Martin. Would Brin understand? "I've always been this way. My dad isn't the most supportive guy, and I spent most of my childhood trying to live up to his impossible expectations. As I got older and started realizing that he would never just take me as I was, I began to push for what I wanted instead of what he wanted. That pissed him off to no end. But even though I can recognize that he's never going to approve of my lifestyle, I still feel that fire under my ass to be better, to be bigger. Part of me seems to think that if I do enough, one day he'll have a change of heart. It's stupid but I haven't figured out how to make it go away."
Wow. That felt good to get out. I'd never been so candid with someone all at once before. It had taken me years of knowing Martin to talk to him about all my issues with my dad, but Brin seemed to pull the information out of me just by being her fabulous self.
"Your dad sounds like a dick," she replied.
I smiled. "He's just old-fashioned. And yeah, I guess a bit of a dick."
"You're incredible, Chad. I mean that. You've built something wonderful, and anybody who doesn't see that can go suck an egg." She reached across to pat me on the arm, smiling warmly. "Either your dad will come around one day or he won't, but in the meantime, you should mind your own happiness. You've only got this one life, do you really want to live it trying to get one stodgy old man's approval?"
"Don't you think that seeking his approval might have been the motivating factor that allowed me to achieve all this in the first place?"
Brin turned her face to the sun and closed her eyes, smiling and absorbing the light. She glowed.
"No," she said finally. "I think you've got all the motivation you need inside of you. You're passionate. You're driven. Don't ever let anyone else take credit for your success."
With that, she revved up her engine and flew down the other side of the hill, screaming joyfully. I watched her with a giant grin on my face, and then I followed.
Eleven
Brin
One thing I would never get used to from being a part of Chad's posse was the constant body ache. Zip lining and ATVing earlier had taken a major toll on me, and I was still a little sore from all the cliff diving too. It was a good sore, overall. It said, you did something, you pushed your body, and you won. It also said, get in a hot bath now or face the consequences.
I ignored the second part. I knew this was probably the only time I'd ever be able to afford Hawaii, and I was going to make it count.
I woke up at eight the next day, which was early for me. Chad was already awake, sipping coffee in the separate living room with his laptop open in front of him.
"There's sleeping beauty," he commented with a wry grin. "What's pulled you out of bed at this unholy hour?"
"Since I've got the day off I have decided to head down to the Honolulu farmer’s market and get some stupid tourist knickknacks. Kim will be pissed if I come back without any goodies for her."
"That's not a bad idea." He closed his laptop lid, and I was acutely aware of now receiving the full brunt of his attention. "I've got some good news you can take with you."
"Oh yeah?" I slumped down into the chair across from him. There was a second coffee waiting for me there, and it was still hot. It brought me back to yesterday morning when coffee and pastry had quickly turned into ridiculously hot sex. Neither of us had said anything about it, and we hadn't done it again. Not that we'd have been able to last night. By the time we got back to the hotel, we were both practically sleepwalking. I barely remember even getting to the bed.
"Our second video has gone viral. It's taking off faster than the first one did, and I bet it's going to top the view count by the end of the day."
"Nice!" I raised my hand for a high five. "Go team Brad!"
Chad raised a skeptical brow. "Team Brad?"
"Don't leave me hanging," I said, wiggling my hand.
Chad chuckled and slapped my palm. I reached for my coffee and took a sip.
"It's the natural combination of our names," I explained.
"I got that much," he replied. "It's just that now it sounds like we're cheering for some dude named Brad instead of ourselves."
"We are Brad. We are unstoppable. Embrace it. Love it." I winked.
He shook his head and shot me a bemused smile. "Just when I think I've got you all figured out, you go ahead and throw me for another loop. Where the hell did you come from?"
"A burlesque club in Vegas, don't you remember? You stared at me like a creep all night."
Chad snorted. "Rude. You stared at me like a creep."
"I stared at you with the appropriate amount of non-creepiness," I defended.
Chad got serious all of a sudden. His green eyes filled with curiosity and he leaned over the table to get closer to me. "I told you my first world sob story. How can I wrangle yours out of you?"
All humor fell from my face, and my grip on the hot paper cup tightened.
"What makes you think I've got a sob story?"
"Everyone does. The fact that you're about to strangle your coffee to death is a pretty good indicator that I was right."
I abruptly pulled away from the cup and set my hands in my lap. "Trust me, you don't want to hear it."
What surprised me was that I was hesitant to reveal details of my life to anyone, but it felt different with Chad. I felt comfortable opening up to him. After this trip, we were going to go our separate ways, and that made him safe in a way. We were in our own bubble over here, and the rules weren't the same as the rest of the world, where I held my cards close to my chest and never let them see me cry.
"I do." Chad reached across the table and urged me to draw a hand from my lap, which he then cradled in his own. "I'm curious about you. Help me figure you out."
I swallowed and met his eyes. He meant it. I didn't know why he meant it, but he did. Chad Harlan wanted to know about me. And I wanted to tell him.
"My parents abandoned me right after I was born, crack addicts or something like that, so I never knew them," I began. "The state put in my aunt and uncle's custody. Bill and Val never let me forget how much of a burden I was. I grew up thinking I was a waste of space. They controlled me, never letting me go play with other kids, never letting me do anything, really. Bill was the worst. He was the one who punished me when I pissed them off. He..." I took a breath. This was hard, but therapy had taught me to own my trauma. "He would beat me. And other stuff. It never went far, and I consider myself lucky in a way, but I'll never forget how helpless I was during it all. There was nobody I could turn to for help, nothing I could do, and for a while, I lost all hope and just accepted that my life was not my own."
Chad's hand squeezed mine, and his jaw locked tight. I could see the rage spreading in his irises, and it surprised me. I thought he would be sympathetic, yes, but I never expected him to care so much. And there was no doubt about it—Chad cared. He cared to the point that I thought he might hop out of his chair at any moment and take the next flight back to Nevada.
"I got out of there at eighteen and, not knowing where else to go or what else to do, went to Vegas. I wanted to lose myself, and that seemed like the right place to do it. I answered an ad for a roommate, and that was when I met Kim. We've been best friends ever since."
"Was Vegas everything you hoped it would be?" Chad asked. "Are you happy there?"
I shrugged. "I guess so. I stumbled for a few years, going out with assholes and never being true to myself and my passion. I doubted myself a lot. I stil
l do. I'm a work in progress."
"You don't need to say anything. It's just a part of my past now. In a way, I'm stronger because of it."
"I'm so sorry you went through that, Brin. I wish I knew what to say."
I felt raw, exposed. I also felt lighter than I had in years. Chad didn't look at me with pity or disdain for what I'd been through or what I later put myself through. There was something else in his gaze—admiration.
So, of course, I needed to get out of there immediately.
"I'm just going to jump in the shower and then head out to the market," I said. "Thanks for the chat."
Chad grabbed my arm. "You're not running away from me, are you?"
A pleasurable shiver ran down my spine. I tossed him a cheeky grin. "If I were, would you chase me?"
"To the ends of the earth." He let me go, electricity sparking between us. "I'll see you for dinner later, right?"
"Of course."
I turned and headed into the bathroom, legs like gelatin. When I came back out into the room after my shower, Chad was gone.
The market turned out to be the perfect place to lose myself for a few hours, to zone out and wander while my mind whirred and ticked like a mechanical clock. Getting some distance from Chad gave me a better view of our situation, and I was beginning to wonder what I was doing.
Everything was happening so quickly. One second I was Chad's fake girlfriend who he wasn't even allowed to flirt with, and the next I was having the best orgasm of my life while being screwed halfway to Timbuktu. I just didn't know what to think. On the one hand, I figured I should enjoy the moment while I could. I should take it at face value, have fun with it, and take the memories with me when I went home as a little keepsake.
On the other hand, I felt like things had already gone too far and I needed to draw back. I was becoming attached. I was revealing things to Chad, opening up to him in an unprecedented show of wall destruction not seen since 1989 Berlin. I kept to myself. It was what I did best, what I'd always done best. I had previous boyfriends who didn't even know about my childhood, and the ones who did didn't get as much detail as Chad had. Chad wasn't my real boyfriend, and he didn't care about me. Not long term. I had to remember that. It might seem like he did, but once I was back in Vegas that was it—no more heart to hearts, no more adventures, no more Chad.
