by TJ Klune
“Literally no one says—Kevin.”
“Yes, Sam.”
“You have rainbows dripping from your mouth.”
“Oh. Do I? How about that. How positively droll.” His tongue snaked out from his mouth and flicked along his lips. His eyes fluttered shut at the taste. “Must have been that… rainbow… I flew through. On my way to the meeting.”
“And obviously it has nothing to do with me,” Gary said quickly. “Because of the albino children. Who I love.”
“All together again,” Tiggy said, smiling broadly. “So happy.”
“Are we finished?” Justin asked. “Because I didn’t just travel for days bringing Gary’s brother here to listen to this. We had a point, which seems to have been put into disarray because of someone’s return.”
I looked around the room, frowning in agreement. “The Prince is right. You are all distracting him from—oh. Right. You were talking about me. I get that now. My bad.”
“I agree,” Terry said, looking at Gary disdainfully. “The Prince has spoken and has asked for your attention. Brother, your perversions are not necessary. Ryan, you should come stand next to me so you can hear better and contribute with my input. Leave Sam where he is. I don’t want fleas.”
“I don’t have fleas,” I growled as I itched my scalp. “I had to bathe in a creek. For months. I’m sorry if I look like a homeless addict. You would too if you’d been through what I have.”
“I wouldn’t know,” Terry said. “I’m an accountant. Which, as everyone knows, is a stable job with health benefits that would extend to any partner I might have.” He stared at Ryan.
“Oh, here we go,” Gary said, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Listen to my brother, everyone! He’s got a job and insurance and a house and responsibilities. He’s so perfect with his mortgage and his imported tile and his horn.”
“I’ve seen the inside of the place you call home,” Terry retorted. “It looks like a hovel belonging to an elderly blind woman who once had impeccable decorating skills but then decided to just slaughter everyone inside a yarn store and leave their parts on the walls and floors.”
“Ooh,” Tiggy and I said.
Glitter started sloughing off Gary. “Bitch, I’ll cut you, bitch. You wanna know what Gary’s gonna do? Gary’s gonna bring the motherfucking pain.”
“I am so conflicted,” Kevin said to me. “On one hand, I feel like I should intervene. On the other hand, I’ve never been more aroused.”
“Is that all you’re going to bring?” Terry asked, sounding bored. “How quaint.”
“Oh, it’s already been brought. In fact, I’ve brought so much, we’re gonna have leftovers.”
“Ooohhh,” Tiggy and I said.
“I’m coming for you,” Gary said, prancing in place. “I’m coming.”
“Me too,” Kevin whispered.
“Gross,” I muttered.
There was a moment when I felt sorry for Terry, even though he obviously wanted to climb on Ryan’s junk. When Gary got a good Unicorn Rage going, the person on the receiving end would most likely be crushed either physically or emotionally. I couldn’t honestly say which was worse.
And while I did feel sorry for Terry, I thought it was probably a good time that he be put in his place. He obviously didn’t understand the pecking order around here, and dominance needed to be established. After Gary crushed him, I would pull Ryan in and mack on his face while Terry watched, just so he knew where he stood. It was harsh but necessary.
So imagine my surprise when Gary screeched his battle cry and charged his brother, only to have Terry’s horn flash brilliantly. The air in the room instantly turned frigid, and a loud crack echoed as a wave of pure magic bowled over me. I had to take a step back at the sheer force of it. But unlike dragon magic or Dark magic, this felt pure and bright, like it was coming from the sun.
The room fell silent as the magic faded.
Then:
“Did you just turn him to ice?” Ryan asked, sounding impressed.
“I can do stuff like that too,” I said with a scowl.
Kevin started growling low and deep in his throat, and Tiggy took a step forward, hands curling into large fists. “Tiggy smash?” he asked in a dangerous voice, staring directly at Terry, who barely flinched.
“How brutish,” he said. “No, you may not smash. I was defending myself. You all saw it. He was coming after me. The gods only know why he’s so quick to anger. I should think there would be some underlying issues that have nothing to do with me that need resolution. I’m sure there are therapists who specialize in his specific form of psychopathy.” He glanced at me. “Or maybe it has to do with those he surrounds himself with.”
Gary was screaming angrily, but it was muffled under the ice.
And that… well.
That didn’t sit right with me.
There was green and gold, and I pushed and the ice cracked right down the middle and then melted instantly.
“And I will destroy everything you live for, mark my words!” Gary was snarling. “You will regret the day you—huh. I appear to be no longer frozen. But you didn’t—why are you staring at Sam like that?”
And Terry was, with an expression of annoyance mixed with begrudging respect. It was an odd look but one I was used to. “How did you do that?” he demanded. “I am a unicorn. My magic is pure. You shouldn’t have been able to disrupt it. You’re human.”
“I told you,” I said. “I’m a wizard now.”
“Ungh,” Ryan said, and we all turned slowly to look at him.
Terry took a step toward him. “Are you okay, Ryan? You look flushed. Are you ill?”
“Gods,” Justin said. “I’ve gone a year without having to see that expression. And now I’m seeing it all the time.”
“Ryan has magic kink,” Tiggy said wisely. “Makes him all stupid and sticky.”
Terry’s eyes widened as he stuck his chest out. “Does he? Well, well, well, as luck would have it, I have magic—”
“It’s only for Sam’s magic,” Justin said. “No one else.”
“Ryan,” I whispered. “You’re drooling a little.”
“Whuzzat?” He looked a little dazed as he tried to wipe his chin. He missed and poked himself in the nose.
“He loves me,” I announced to the room, but mostly to Terry and Lady Tina. “In case anyone here had any doubts about that. Also, Terry? You touch Gary again, and you won’t like what’s going to happen.”
“Really?” he scoffed. “I highly doubt that—”
“Go ahead,” I said, nodding at Gary. “Do it again. Test me.”
Gary frowned. “Well, don’t test on me. That’s just—”
Terry looked affronted. “You’re just a human—”
“Test. Me.”
He balked.
“Ooohhhh,” Tiggy said.
“Ungh,” Ryan and Kevin both said.
“I’ve never heard of a human being able to disrupt a unicorn’s magic,” Terry said, sounding aggrieved. “It’s unnatural. Unicorns are pure and uncorrupted, incapable of sin.”
“Riiight,” I said. “Because obviously you’ve never met your brother at all.”
“I do gross things,” Gary announced.
“Perhaps we should focus on why this meeting was called,” Lady Tina snapped. “Or we could continue wasting the Prince’s time.”
“I like her,” Vadoma said, appraising Lady Tina. “Well-spoken. Make a good wife for my grandson. You want to be cornerstone? Yes. Having a vision. Ooooooh, I see you and Sam falling in love and—”
“Burn her at the stake,” I hissed.
“As I was saying before this travesty occurred,” Justin said, glaring at me like it was all my fault, “as is evident by our guests, the mission was partially successful. We were able to locate Gary’s brother. Unfortunately, we could not find his parents.”
“Swingers tour apparently took them out of the country,” Ryan whispered in my ear.
“Gods
,” I whispered back. “How fucking long have they been doing that?”
Justin ignored us, turning and bowing to Terry. “As the Grand Prince of Verania, I extend to you my gratitude at your assistance in this most important of matters. And as I’m sure you can see, circumstances have certainly… changed… from what I told you they were.” He glanced in my direction.
I stared back at him, waiting for him to continue.
He didn’t.
I looked behind me. There was no one there. “Oh, do you mean me? I’m the circumstance that—okay. Because you didn’t expect me to be here. Got it. See? Even after all this time, we’re still on the same wavelength. Best friends 5eva. Do you remember the secret handshake I taught you? We should do it right now to reaffirm our—okay, not the time. You can put your sword away.”
He did but kept his hand on the hilt. “And while circumstances have changed, the end result has not. We have brought you here because we need your assistance. In the end, if we are to emerge victorious over the Darks, we’ll need everyone we can. But before we begin to discuss the next phase, I’d like to invite Sam to speak on his plan to defeat Myrin with the dragons of Verania. It’s possible what I have in mind might not even be necessary, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Sam, if you please.”
“Oh boy,” I said. “Yeah. Um. About that.”
“Uh-oh,” Tiggy said.
“I can’t wait to hear this,” Gary whispered to him. “It’s probably going to be hysterical. Oh, how I’ve missed his shenanigans.”
I scratched the back of my head. “So, funny story. I might have… spent all my time in the Dark Woods learning how to wizard and not exactly coming up with a plan to defeat Myrin?”
Justin’s face turned red. “You what.”
“Oh, no,” I said quickly. “No, no, no. There is a strong outline of a plan that I really am quite proud of. It’s just, you know, filling it all in from beginning to end.”
“Why don’t you enlighten us as to the outline,” Justin said through gritted teeth.
“Outline might be a bit of an overexaggeration,” Kevin said. “Not that I would know about overexaggerating anything.”
“Okay,” I said. “Look. So. Here’s the plan. Step one: return like a badass. Done and done. Step two: let everyone fawn over me at my return and get funky with my babe. Done and done.”
“We didn’t get funky,” Ryan muttered.
“Step three: defeat Myrin using dragons and smiting all our enemies and regaining all that we have lost… somehow. That’s the one that’s a work in progress, in case you couldn’t tell. And finally, step four: live happily ever after. And also find Justin a boyfriend.” I squinted at him. “Unless you already found a boyfriend? Because if you did, that kind of ruins my whole plan, and so we should just go with whatever you wanted to do. I’m totally okay with that. I’m so happy for you.”
Justin banged his head on the table.
“So no boyfriend, then. Huh. Well, I can get right on that part if we want to reconvene in, say, a week or so—”
“You spent,” Justin said, glaring at me, “all that time in the woods, and you don’t have a plan?”
“Hey! I told you. I was learning how to wizard.”
“Why can’t you just storm the castle using those things?” Lady Tina asked. “Isn’t that what you got them for? I mean, what else is a dragon for?”
Kevin snarled at her, teeth sharp and glinting as I said, “Those things have names. And we can’t just storm Castle Lockes. Not without knowing what we’re facing. I don’t want to risk them only to find out we’re outmatched. I don’t know what’s happened to Myrin since he….” I sighed. “Since he consumed Morgan’s magic. I don’t know how strong he is. I can’t risk them like that. It’s not fair to them. Because while they may be dragons, they’re still my friends. Most of them. Okay, all except one, but only because he’s an asshole and thinks he’s better than everyone, which, to be fair, he is older than literal dirt, so….” No one looked very reassured. I had to try to make it better. “Look, I always come up with a plan, right. And they’re always—”
Gary coughed.
“Okay, fine. And they’re usually—”
Tiggy sneezed.
“Oh my gods. And they’re sometimes… anyone else? No one? Great. They’re sometimes good and we end up coming out on top. I don’t see why now should be any different.”
“That may be true,” Justin said, “but the stakes are so much higher than we’ve ever faced before. This isn’t about one of us getting captured and the others riding in to the rescue. This is about the freedom of the people of Verania. The City of Lockes has been turned into the country’s largest prison. Our people are trapped.”
“I know, but—”
“No,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “You don’t know. You haven’t been here. You haven’t seen the things we have. The treatment of the citizens I am supposed to have protected. You think it’s a little rough here? He has enslaved our people. This is bigger than anything you’ve seen.”
A chill ran down my spine. “I’m sorry.”
Ryan took my hand as Justin shook his head. “I don’t want you to apologize. I want you to figure it out. Okay?”
I nodded and silently promised my best friend 5eva that I would do just that.
“Good.” He looked at the others in the room. “Now, we have two things to focus on which take precedence over anything else: rescuing the King and finding Gary’s horn.”
“Why is the horn a focus?” Vadoma asked, sounding disgruntled. “Shouldn’t our priorities be directed elsewhere?”
“Sam.”
“Yes, Gary.”
“I have a strong dislike for your grandma.”
“Noted. I support your right to have such feelings and agree with them completely.”
“Tiggy too,” Tiggy said, glaring at Vadoma.
“A unicorn is a being of pure magic,” Mom said. “They’re incapable of corruption. Right?”
Terry snorted. “Well, we used to be.”
“Terry,” Dad scolded. “Don’t be mean. And Gary, stop getting glitter everywhere. Aren’t you two in your seventies now? You’re no longer children. It’s time you started acting like it.”
“But he started it—”
“Gary.”
“Ridiculous,” Terry muttered. “Ryan should come stand by me and comfort me.”
“The horn is the focus,” Justin growled, “because from what I understand, it’s a conduit for a unicorn’s magic.”
“It is,” Terry agreed stiffly. “Humans are capable of stepping into the light or succumbing to the dark. Or even staying firmly in the shadows. Unicorns know only purity. We are incapable of evil because of the clarity of our souls.”
“And we need all the help we can get,” Justin said. “Terry has agreed—”
“Maybe I’ll change my mind. You don’t own me.”
“—has agreed to join our cause. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, because this is his home too. Myrin and the Darks affect all of us, humans and magical creatures alike. And while having him here is a boost to our cause, having him assist us in finding Gary’s horn is why I’ve asked him here.” He looked at Gary, and his face softened a little. It was startling to see him directing such an expression toward Gary. “I know it’s a… tough subject, and obviously traumatic, but any insight you can give would certainly help.”
“You’re probably going to regret saying that,” I warned Justin, even as Gary’s eyes widened.
Justin frowned. “Why would I regret—”
“Sam! Tiggy! Did you hear that?”
I sighed. “Yes, Gary. I heard.”
“Do we have to?” Tiggy asked mournfully.
“What’s going on?” Vadoma asked.
“Justin asked Gary about his horn,” Mom told her. “There’s a… performance. About what happened. It’s very theatrical.”
“Sam! Tiggy! Take your places. Don’t make me ask you again
!”
“What are you doing?” Ryan asked as I started to walk away from him.
I shrugged. “It’s part of the Sam/Gary/Tiggy Friendship Pact of Love and Respect. Anytime someone has the balls to ask Gary about his horn directly, we have to perform the story.”
Justin’s face was in his hands and his voice was muffled when he said, “I don’t know why I can’t see these things coming.”
“You remember your lines?” Gary whispered to me as I came to stand beside him. Tiggy was fumbling with a lantern, wrapping a stiff piece of parchment paper he’d snagged from the table around it to make a spotlight.
“Do I remember my lines,” I scoffed.
“It’s a fair question. For all I know, your eyebrows negate your acting abilities, what little there is. You’re a child of the forest now. Maybe you don’t remember how to people.”
“You made us practice this for four weeks straight with only three hours of sleep a night in case this very moment ever happened. I won’t be able to forget it no matter how hard I try.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“You threatened to murder me if I didn’t wake up during the third week.”
“Well, yeah, you were being lazy.”
“I think there’s a difference between passing out due to exhaustion and—”
“Semantics,” he said, flipping his mane prettily. “All that matters is that my story will finally be told, and this is my moment to shine. If you ruin this for me, I will never forgive you until tomorrow.”
“I’ll do my best,” I promised him.
“Good. Now go fold that piece of paper on the table over there into the shape of a horn and attach it to a string around my neck so it sits atop my head.”
“Where the hell am I supposed to get a piece of—”
He turned slowly to look at me.
I gulped and moved as quickly as possible.
“Everyone,” Gary called out while I found a blank scrap of paper and began to fold it. “Yoo-hoo, everyone! Yes, that’s right. Look at me. Look riiiiight at me. Thank you. Now that I have your attention, I would like to say thank you for coming to the Camp HaveHeart debut performance of the tragic story that is my life. I ask that no one speak during the production unless it is to praise me profusely or to cry at the beauty that is myself. If you decide to throw flowers at me at the end, I will allow it. And please remember that while there are others involved in the story, played ably by Tiggy and somewhat less ably by Sam—”
