She moved away, looking out the window into the gardens, her fingers twisting in the fringe of her shawl. “I sometimes think on our acquaintance, Dr. Hastings, and why it came to be. I cannot profess to be an expert on spiritual matters, but I do believe many things in this life can be used to serve a greater purpose. Though our friendship did not end well, I like to think that Providence has such a purpose in store for us. Why else would we meet again, after such a long a time, and in such a circumstance as this?”
Julia darted a quick glance at him, then lowered her eyes to her fingers. “You have done a great deal of good for Virginia. I think, even if we did not act rightly, today’s events will serve a greater good too.”
He regarded her closely, tipping his head to one side. The turbulent emotions of the day had weakened his resolve to keep distance between them. He could not let all her words stand, just as he could no longer keep the wall of his own making between them.
“Miss Devon?” She looked up after a brief hesitation, meeting his eyes. His heart flooded with warmth when he realized that she did not know how he would react to her softly spoken beliefs. “Thank you. I should like to see the world as you do. But in one thing I must contradict you.”
The corners of her mouth pulled upward, and her eyes met his with curiosity dancing in them. “It is the height of rudeness to contradict a lady, sir.”
“I am aware. I think you will forgive me this once.” He stepped closer and held out his hand. “You say our friendship did not end well. I think it best that we say it did not end at all. After a day like today, I wish very much to call you my friend.”
She blinked at him and a light pink hue came back into her cheeks. “You do?”
He held his hand higher and she hesitantly put hers within. He closed his fingers around hers, feeling the strength in them. Nathaniel bowed over her hand, in a gesture he knew to be far too courtly and grand for the occasion, yet it felt right.
“You are a woman of honor and loyalty, and whatever our past may be, I greatly respect your devotion to your family.” He straightened and released her, missing the warmth of her touch immediately. “I am honored to count you among my friends, if you will consent to be mine.” He held his breath waiting for an answer, knowing the plea might sound desperate. He no longer wanted to severe his connection wit her, even if it meant they could only ever be friends.
Her smile resurfaced, and while it lifted his spirits to see it, he felt his heart thud painfully in his chest. Once, that look had made him believe he had found his happiness. Her beauty had only grown in the years since that time. If only he hadn’t ruined his chances with her by stating with such precise terms how he no longer cared for her.
“Thank you, Doctor Hastings. I do consent.”
“I must take my leave of you.” He half-bowed, the ache in his chest compelling him to be brief. “I have others in my care I must see to, but Mr. Olivier remains here, in the study.”
“I will seek him out at once.” She kept her eyes on him, studying him with a curious expression upon her lovely face. “Good day, Doctor.”
“Good day, Miss Devon.” He turned away from her and left, not caring that she would see him nearly fleeing the room, such was his haste. But he couldn’t stay a moment longer without risking a greater exposure of his feelings for her. Though they were conflicted, Nathaniel knew his heart cared for her as much as it ever had, and his head told him those feelings were neither prudent nor wise.
He put all thoughts from him and focused instead on his next task, the next patient, the next illness. A physician could always find people seeking health and healing, and they must be his priority over his own muddled affairs.
Chapter Fourteen
After her interview with Mr. Olivier, Julia felt more out of sorts than ever. With her fierce desire to protect her cousin, she had been the one to suggest ridding the house of Mr. Gerard Macon. The full force of that decision weighed upon her. A court of law, trained to observe facts, would only know a man was thrown from the house of his dying brother, and Virginia would look like a hysterical female.
Julia left the house the next morning, her pace carrying her rapidly down the streets of Bath. She walked towards the Circus, barely taking in more of the sights than necessary to ascertain her direction.
The Royal Crescent, while lovely enough architecture, was not what drew her so much as the long, sloping lawn before it. The great expanse, Barton Fields, brought her a measure of peace. She missed her country home at times. Stepping onto that length of grass helped her find her equilibrium, even if it had been dusted in snow the night before.
Walking out in this manner, without a maid, might have raised a few eyebrows in London, but in Bath she felt at ease enough in herself and her destination to not fear censure. Who in this place would even care who she was or what business she might be about? She was dressed finely enough to even be a guest in one of the beautiful townhouses.
If she became a governess, as she hoped, such would not always be the case. But as a governess, she would certainly have greater freedom when it came to moving about on her own. She could certainly get used to that aspect, even if it meant saying goodbye to her well-appointed wardrobe.
She stepped onto the snow-covered grass and went straight for the middle of the expanse, smiling at the curious stares of children playing in the fresh powder with their nurse. She nearly waved but thought it best to continue in her solitary way. Once at the heart of the public lawn, Julia stared up into the cloudless heavens.
She’d left her cousin’s house quietly, after ensuring Virginia ate more than a few bites of toast. Hearing of Virginia’s fainting incident startled her, and she’d vowed to watch her cousin at every meal until she regained her strength. Julia checked on the boys, satisfied that all evidence of the terrible cough was gone from the nursery, and took her leave for a breath of fresh air.
The sky was a light blue, nearly the shade of Nathaniel’s eyes, by turns as warm as a summer pond and cold as ice. Try as she might, she could not remove the memory of his offer of friendship from her mind. She had come out into the world to escape that scene as much as anything else. At a time when her cousin needed Julia’s full attention and devotion, dwelling over the feel of her hand secure in his was not the least bit helpful.
Her heart thudded painfully against her chest, standing in a field of snow, all the world around her serene. The only sounds to come to her were the laughter of the children playing and the gentle sounds of the wind. She drew in a deep breath, trying to clear her thoughts, but she only felt more sharply the pain in her chest when she thought too long on Nathaniel.
Though his last words to her had been complimentary, praising her devotion to her family, it wounded her to know he could never feel for her what he had once before. That dreadful day, after he’d spoken to her father, she’d let him leave her believing her the very worst sort of person.
“I am meant to marry a title or a fortune,” she whispered to the wind. How must those words have sounded to him? How much worse what she said next?
Julia remembered every word.
“I cannot join you in your dreams. I would never be permitted to be a physician’s wife and the road before you is too difficult for us to walk, tethered together by only a few shared dances and walks in the park. You ought to leave, Mr. Hastings.”
Every word was but a half-truth. Julia would not ask him to wait for her to reach her majority, when she might come to him freely as his wife. What kind of weight would that put upon his shoulders? How distracting would that be, as he pursued his education and worked to become a doctor? Father would never permit the match, not in a thousand years, and might even find ways to work against Nathaniel if he thought the young man persisted in his suit. She had not wanted to leave him with hope for their relationship to continue, not when what they had, lovely though it felt, was new and fragile.
Julia had not known, or had not wished to, how deeply he cared for her. She denied her
heart, putting away her feelings in an effort to spare his.
She knew, with their secret revealed to her father, that she would go home to a man who would bend her to his will. Having never stood up to her father’s wishes before, knowing he controlled every aspect of her life, Julia had feared to return to him that afternoon.
“Count it a blessing my father denied your suit,” she said had said, her eyes skimming over the tops of trees and houses in the distance, looking anywhere but at him. “Because we can never be more than what we are now. Friends meant only to pass a short time together, before going on our separate paths.”
He had drawn himself up, though wounded. “If that is all you have to say to me, Miss Devon, then I was wrong about you and about what I felt. I apologize for wasting your time. I will not bother you with my friendship any longer. Consider me no more, and I will do my best to forget you.” With that he’d bowed, all cold formality, evidence of strain in his face and the tightening of his jaw, his blue eyes cold and dark. Then he’d walked away, never once looking back. She’d watched, hoping he would.
The days went by, her father’s wrath passed over her like a storm and his anger lingered heavily like a fog. The house became oppressive. Though Julia forced herself to continue attending the events on her social calendar, she could not bring herself to offer a word of encouragement to any gentleman when her heart stubbornly clung to Nathaniel.
She loved him too deeply, but she was too young and alone to do anything about it. Finally, when a match was presented to her by her father, she found enough strength to refuse to marry. First, he tried to coax agreement from her, then he offered threats, and finally he railed against her in fits of tremendous anger, and Julia often feared he would strike her. But she remained unmoved.
In her heart, she hoped Nathaniel would come back. She hoped word of her refusal to obey her father would trickle through society, that rumor would reach him, that he might return with hope in his eyes, allowing her to explain it all to him.
Life did not fall neatly into place as it did in novels, and Julia went back to the country in disgrace, forced to live for the next several years under the shadow of her father’s disapproval and animosity. She could not seek out Nathaniel, not after all that had passed between them, and time went by, leaving her to surround her heart in a fortress of stone that not even her sisters could ever truly get past.
Not until Christine, the sister born next after Julia, fell in love.
Julia could not watch her sister go through the same heart-ache and pain she’d endured for years, but even if she could not prevent it, she would protect her sister from suffering alone.
Thankfully, Christine won her right to love Thomas Gilbert. They had married. Julia’s heart lifted joyfully every time she thought of her sister’s good fortune.
If only she had found a way, years ago, to win her own.
Standing in the grasses before the Crescent townhomes, Julia pulled her thoughts back into order. The solitude had not given her the respite she’d hoped for, but at least some clarity returned to her thoughts.
After all she and Nathaniel had been through in the past, and looking at where they were presently, things had worked out for the best. He was a talented and honorable physician, she would soon move forward to a new level of independence, and they would end as friends.
She thought of the lady she had seen him with, the night that sweet Edward’s croup alarmed Virginia. He’d been kind and attentive to her; she had such poise and fresh beauty. Truly, if that woman held a special claim on him, Julia could only be glad he had found someone to devote himself to.
Julia walked back towards the row of houses, her eyes admiring the beautiful details around the windows. She wondered which of the doors were real and which were only part of the facade. If she tried to open a door leading to nowhere, what would happen?
“Life is like those doors,” she said to herself, lifting her skirt as she ascended the hill. “Some go nowhere.” Half-smiling at her own philosophizing, Julia glanced down again to be sure she didn’t misstep on the uneven ground.
When she next looked up to the walkway before the houses, a man stood staring back at her. His tall hat, dark coat, and medical bag did not give him away so much as his stance. Nathaniel stood watching her from several paces away.
Julia felt warmth in her cheeks and on the back of her neck, wondering if her thoughts had somehow drawn him to this spot. In such a busy place as Bath, she did not know how they could manage to meet each other by accident twice, and in such an unlikely place as this.
“Miss Devon.” He waited until she was much closer to speak, barely lifting his voice louder than in casual conversation. “What brings you here this morning?”
She met his concerned expression with a sincere smile. “I found I missed the countryside, and this is the closest I can come to it at present. The fields are beautiful, despite the cold.”
His gaze turned to look over her shoulder, sweeping across the landscape behind her before he offered a nod. “It is lovely. I can see how this would help a case of homesickness.”
Julia stopped, standing next to him, and studied the landscape, small blades of grass peeking through the snow. “It is not homesickness. I don’t find myself thinking of the house and grounds. I think more on all the greenery. I miss the fields and the trees, and I miss springtime. But I am otherwise fond of Bath.”
“You don’t miss your family’s estate?”
“No.” She could answer that with complete honesty. Her father’s house had, of late, been a cold and unpleasant residence whenever he was at home. “My sisters are gone from the place, and they are all that kept me content there.”
He remained quiet longer than she expected, and when Julia glanced at him, she found his eyes trained on her. “I see. You are very close to them? I cannot recall you speaking much of them before. There are two sisters and a brother?”
Julia nodded, tilting her head as she inspected him. This line of conversation surprised her, but perhaps he meant to fulfill his role as a friend. Her heart warmed to think he cared enough to act the part.
“Christine, who we must now call Mrs. Gilbert, lives in Kettering with her husband. They are starting a horse farm. And Rebecca is in London, with our aunt, finishing her education to become a young lady. Horace is away at school. They are all very dear to me.”
“Hm. What do they think of you becoming a governess?”
The question startled her and Julia’s lips parted. “How did you know about that? I have only told—”
“Your cousin. She mentioned it to me, a few days ago.” His smile was not amused but encouraging nonetheless. “I think it brave of you, to go out into the world and make a place for yourself.”
Although Julia hardly thought it of herself, she took the compliment gratefully. “You have already done it, of course, as a physician. We must both be brave.”
He continued staring down into her eyes, and the corners of his mouth turned up slowly. “I suppose you’re right.” He looked down at the bag in his hand, as if remembering he held it. He adjusted his grip on the handles, and then he gestured at the row of houses behind them.
“I am here to see a patient. Lady Huntington. But I have reason to believe she would enjoy meeting you. Would you care to step in with me for the visit?” Nathaniel asked, offering his free arm. “Then I might escort you home.”
Oh my. Julia put her arm through his, trying to act as though such a thing were normal. Coming into close contact with Nathaniel was becoming something of a habit. “Is it done, to bring callers when you are in your official capacity as doctor?”
His laugh was short but warm. “Not usually. But you are a special exception.”
Julia’s heart quickened and she looked down at the ground, silently berating the organ for being nonsensical. Nathaniel had always been a gentleman. She must accept that there was nothing truly special about her to him, or anyone else.
Maybe someday she would
be fearless, and she might tell him why she acted as she did all those years ago, when he professed that he wished to court her. But he had moved on. What purpose would it serve to bring up the past? She had best let it alone and enjoy what time she had in his company.
She would not be in Bath forever.
∞ ∞ ∞
Seeing Julia alone, walking through Barton Fields, had brought Nathaniel to a standstill. He had glimpsed her familiar figure as he walked along the Royal Crescent, only seeing her from the corner of his eye, and he concentrated fully to assure himself he was mistaken in her identity.
But Julia Devon was in the field, coming up the hill towards him, a gentle breeze lifting the ribbons of her bonnet to float behind her. When she looked up, his breath had caught.
Her smile warmed him more than the sun above them, and before he knew what he had done, she was on his arm about to enter Lady Huntington’s residence.
Knowing his patient and patron as he did, Nathaniel felt certain Julia’s reception by Lady Huntington would be warm and friendly, and likely a happy diversion. Her ladyship would likely even ignore the slightly unusual circumstance of a bachelor and a young woman calling upon her in each other’s company.
He was not at all disappointed.
“Lady Huntington, may I present a dear friend, Miss Julia Devon. Miss Devon, Lady Huntington.” Julia curtsied elegantly, Lady Huntington’s sharp eyes upon her.
“It is a great pleasure to meet you, my lady,” the younger woman said, betraying no discomfort at the scrutiny bestowed on her by the elderly woman.
“I must say, I am pleased to meet you as well. I have heard a great deal about you.”
Nathaniel tried to remain calm. Only now, too late to turn back, did he wonder if this meeting could be a mistake, given that the last piece of advice he had received from his patient was to consider taking a bride, and more particularly to consider Julia for the position. While he knew Lady Huntington often spoke her mind, she would not betray his trust in that matter, would she?
The Gentleman Physician: A Regency Romance (Branches of Love Book 2) Page 14
