by Unknown
MRS. TWYMLEY. ‘Laugh?’
MR. WILLINGS, whose wild life has brought him into contact with the strangest people, ‘The Scotch, Mrs. Twymley, express their emotions differently from us. With them tears signify a rollicking mood, while merriment denotes that they are plunged in gloom. When I had finished he said at once, “Let us go and see the old lady.”’
MRS. DOWEY, backing, which is the first movement she has made since he began his tale, ‘Is he — coming?’
MR. WILLINGS, gloriously, ‘He has come. He is up there. I told him I thought I had better break the joyful news to you.’
Three women rush to the window. Mrs. Dowey looks at her pantry door, but perhaps she remembers that it does not lock on the inside. She stands rigid, though her face has gone very grey.
MRS. DOWEY. ‘Kindly get them to go away.’
MR. WILLINGS. ‘Ladies, I think this happy occasion scarcely requires you.’ He is not the man to ask of woman a sacrifice that he is not prepared to make himself. ‘I also am going instantly.’ They all survey Mrs. Dowey, and understand — or think they understand.
MRS. TWYMLEY, pail and mop in hand, ‘I would thank none for their company if my Alfred was at the door.’
MRS. MICKLEHAM, similarly burdened, ‘The same from me. Shall I send him down, Mrs. Dowey?’ The old lady does not hear her. She is listening, terrified, for a step on the stairs. ‘Look at the poor, joyous thing, sir. She has his letters in her hand.’
The three women go. Mr. Willings puts a kind hand on Mrs. Dowey’s shoulder. He thinks he so thoroughly understands the situation.
MR. WILLINGS. ‘A good son, Mrs. Dowey, to have written to you so often.’
Our old criminal quakes, but she grips the letters more tightly. Private Dowey descends.
‘Dowey, my friend, there she is, waiting for you, with your letters in her hand.’
DOWEY, grimly, ‘That’s great.’
Mr. Willings ascends the stair without one backward glance, like the good gentleman he is; and the Doweys are left together, with nearly the whole room between them. He is a great rough chunk of Scotland, howked out of her not so much neatly as liberally; and in his Black Watch uniform, all caked with mud, his kit and nearly all his worldly possessions on his back, he is an apparition scarcely less fearsome (but so much less ragged) than those ancestors of his who trotted with Prince Charlie to Derby. He stands silent, scowling at the old lady, daring her to raise her head; and she would like very much to do it, for she longs to have a first glimpse of her son. When he does speak, it is to jeer at her.
‘Do you recognise your loving son, missis?’ (‘Oh, the fine Scotch tang of him,’ she thinks.) ‘I’m pleased I wrote so often.’ (‘Oh, but he’s raized,’ she thinks.) He strides towards her, and seizes the letters roughly, ‘Let’s see them.’
There is a string round the package, and he unties it, and examines the letters at his leisure with much curiosity. The envelopes are in order, all addressed in pencil to Mrs. Dowey, with the proud words ‘Opened by Censor’ on them. But the letter paper inside contains not a word of writing.
‘Nothing but blank paper! Is this your writing in pencil on the envelope?’ She nods, and he gives the matter further consideration.
‘The covey told me you were a charwoman; so I suppose you picked the envelopes out of wastepaper baskets, or such like, and then changed the addresses?’ She nods again; still she dare not look up, but she is admiring his legs. When, however, he would cast the letters into the fire, she flames up with sudden spirit. She clutches them.
‘Don’t you burn them letters, mister.’
‘They’re not real letters.’
‘They’re all I have.’
He returns to irony. ‘I thought you had a son?’
‘I never had a man nor a son nor anything. I just call myself Missis to give me a standing.’
‘Well, it’s past my seeing through.’
He turns to look for some explanation from the walls. She gets a peep at him at last. Oh, what a grandly set-up man! Oh, the stride of him. Oh, the noble rage of him. Oh, Samson had been like this before that woman took him in hand.
He whirls round on her. ‘What made you do it?’
‘It was everybody’s war, mister, except mine.’ She beats her arms. ‘I wanted it to be my war too.’
‘You’ll need to be plainer. And yet I’m d —— d if I care to hear you, you lying old trickster.’
The words are merely what were to be expected, and so are endurable; but he has moved towards the door.
‘You’re not going already, mister?’
‘Yes, I just came to give you an ugly piece of my mind.’
She holds out her arms longingly. ‘You haven’t gave it to me yet.’
‘You have a cheek!’
She gives further proof of it. ‘You wouldn’t drink some tea?’
‘Me! I tell you I came here for the one purpose of blazing away at you.’
It is such a roaring negative that it blows her into a chair. But she is up again in a moment, is this spirited old lady. ‘You could drink the tea while you was blazing away. There’s winkles.’
‘Is there?’ He turns interestedly towards the table, but his proud Scots character checks him, which is just as well, for what she should have said was that there had been winkles. ‘Not me. You’re just a common rogue.’ He seats himself far from the table. ‘Now, then, out with it. Sit down!’ She sits meekly; there is nothing she would not do for him. ‘As you char, I suppose you are on your feet all day.’
‘I’m more on my knees.’
‘That’s where you should be to me.’
‘Oh, mister, I’m willing.’
‘Stop it. Go on, you accomplished liar.’
‘It’s true that my name is Dowey.’
‘It’s enough to make me change mine.’
‘I’ve been charring and charring and charring as far back as I mind. I’ve been in London this twenty years.’
‘We’ll skip your early days. I have an appointment.’
‘And then when I was old the war broke out.’
‘How could it affect you?’
‘Oh, mister, that’s the thing. It didn’t affect me. It affected everybody but me. The neighbours looked down on me. Even the posters, on the walls, of the woman saying, “Go, my boy,” leered at me. I sometimes cried by myself in the dark. You won’t have a cup of tea?’
‘No.’
‘Sudden like the idea came to me to pretend I had a son.’
‘You depraved old limmer! But what in the name of Old Nick made you choose me out of the whole British Army?’
Mrs. Dowey giggles. There is little doubt that in her youth she was an accomplished flirt. ‘Maybe, mister, it was because I liked you best.’
‘Now, now, woman.’
‘I read one day in the papers, “In which, he was assisted by Private K. Dowey, 5th Battalion, Black Watch.”’
Private K. Dowey is flattered, ‘Did you, now! Well, I expect that’s the only time I was ever in the papers.’
Mrs. Dowey tries it on again, ‘I didn’t choose you for that alone. I read a history of the Black Watch first, to make sure it was the best regiment in the world.’
‘Anybody could have told you that.’ He is moving about now in better humour, and, meeting the loaf in his stride, he cuts a slice from it. He is hardly aware of this, but Mrs. Dowey knows. ‘I like the Scotch voice of you, woman. It drummles on like a hill burn.’
‘Prosen Water runs by where I was born.’ Flirting again, ‘May be it teached me to speak, mister.’
‘Canny, woman, canny.’
‘I read about the Black Watch’s ghostly piper that plays proudly when the men of the Black Watch do well, and prouder when they fall.’
‘There’s some foolish story of that kind.’ He has another careless slice off the loaf. ‘But you couldn’t have been living here at that time or they would have guessed. I suppose you flitted?’
‘Yes, it cost
me eleven and sixpence.’
‘How did you guess the K in my name stood for Kenneth?’
‘Does it?’
‘Umpha.’
‘An angel whispered it to me in my sleep.’
‘Well, that’s the only angel in the whole black business.’ He chuckles.
‘You little thought I would turn up!’ Wheeling suddenly on her. ‘Or did you?’
‘I was beginning to weary for a sight of you, Kenneth.’
‘What word was that?’
‘Mister.’
He helps himself to butter, and she holds out the jam pot to him, but he haughtily rejects it. Do you think she gives in now? Not a bit of it.
He returns to sarcasm, ‘I hope you’re pleased with me now you see me.’
‘I’m very pleased. Does your folk live in Scotland?’
‘Glasgow.’
‘Both living?’
‘Ay.’
‘Is your mother terrible proud of you?’
‘Naturally.’
‘You’ll be going to them?’
‘After I’ve had a skite in London first.’
The old lady sniffs, ‘So she is in London!’
‘Who?’
‘Your young lady.’
‘Are you jealyous?’
‘Not me.’
‘You needna be. She’s a young thing.’
‘You surprises me. A beauty, no doubt?’
‘You may be sure.’ He tries the jam. ‘She’s a titled person. She is equally popular as maid, wife and munitionworker.’
Mrs. Dowey remembers Lady Dolly Kanister, so familiar to readers of fashionable gossip, and a very leery expression indeed comes into her face.
‘Tell me more about her, man.’
‘She has sent me a lot of things, especially cakes, and a worsted waistcoat, with a loving message on the enclosed card.’
The old lady is now in a quiver of excitement. She loses control of her arms, which jump excitedly this way and that.
‘You’ll try one of my cakes, mister?’
‘Not me.’
‘They’re of my own making.’
‘No, I thank you.’
But with a funny little run she is in the pantry and back again. She planks down a cake before him, at sight of which he gapes.
‘What’s the matter? Tell me, oh, tell me, mister.’
‘That’s exactly the kind of cake that her ladyship sends me.’
Mrs. Dowey is now a very glorious old character indeed.
‘Is the waistcoat right, mister? I hope the Black Watch colours pleased you.’
‘Wha —— t! Was it you?’
‘I daredna give my own name, you see, and I was always reading hers in the papers.’
The badgered man looms over her, terrible for the last time.
‘Woman, is there no getting rid of you!’
‘Are you angry?’
He sits down with a groan.
‘Oh, hell! Give me some tea.’
She rushes about preparing a meal for him, every bit of her wanting to cry out to every other bit, ‘Oh, glory, glory, glory!’ For a moment she hovers behind his chair. ‘Kenneth’! she murmurs. ‘What?’ he asks, no longer aware that she is taking a liberty. ‘Nothing,’ she says, ‘just Kenneth,’ and is off gleefully for the tea-caddy. But when his tea is poured out, and he has drunk a saucerful, the instinct of self-preservation returns to him between two bites.
‘Don’t you be thinking, missis, for one minute that you have got me.’
‘No, no.’
On that understanding he unbends.
‘I have a theatre tonight, followed by a randydandy.’
‘Oho! Kenneth, this is a queer first meeting!’
‘It is, woman, oh, it is,’ guardedly, ‘and it’s also a last meeting.’
‘Yes, yes.’
‘So here’s to you — you old mop and pail. Ave atque vale.’
‘What’s that?’
‘That means Hail and Farewell.’
‘Are you a scholar?’
‘Being Scotch, there’s almost nothing I don’t know.’
‘What was you to trade?’
‘Carter, glazier, orraman, any rough jobs.’
‘You’re a proper man to look at.’
‘I’m generally admired.’
‘She’s an enviable woman.’
‘Who?’
‘Your mother.’
‘Eh? Oh, that was just protecting myself from you. I have neither father nor mother nor wife nor grandmama.’ Bitterly, ‘This party never even knew who his proud parents were.’
‘Is that’ — gleaming—’is that true?’
‘It’s gospel.’
‘Heaven be praised!’
‘Eh? None of that! I was a fool to tell you. But don’t think you can take advantage of it. Pass the cake.’
‘I daresay it’s true we’ll never meet again, Kenneth, but — but if we do, I wonder where it will be?’
‘Not in this world.’
‘There’s no telling’ — leering ingratiatingly—’It might be at Berlin.’
‘Tod, if I ever get to Berlin, I believe I’ll find you there waiting for me!’
‘With a cup of tea for you in my hand.’
‘Yes, and’ — heartily—’very good tea too.’
He has partaken heavily, he is now in high good humour.
‘Kenneth, we could come back by Paris!’
‘All the ladies,’ slapping his knees, ‘likes to go to Paris.’
‘Oh, Kenneth, Kenneth, if just once before I die I could be fitted for a Paris gown with dreamy corsage!’
‘You’re all alike, old covey. We have a song about it.’ He sings:
‘Mrs. Gill is very ill,
Nothing can improve her
But to see the Tuileries
And waddle through the Louvre.’
No song ever had a greater success. Mrs. Dowey is doubled up with mirth. When she comes to, when they both come to, for there are a pair of them, she cries:
‘You must learn me that,’ and off she goes in song also:
‘Mrs. Dowey’s very ill,
Nothing can improve her.’
‘Stop!’ cries clever Kenneth, and finishes the verse:
‘But dressed up in a Paris gown
To waddle through the Louvre.’
They fling back their heads, she points at him, he points at her. She says ecstatically:
‘Hairy legs!’
A mad remark, which brings him to his senses; he remembers who and what she is.
‘Mind your manners!’ Rising, ‘Well, thank you for my tea. I must be stepping.’
Poor Mrs. Dowey, he is putting on his kit.
‘Where are you living?’
He sighs.
‘That’s the question. But there’s a place called The Hut, where some of the 2nd Battalion are. They’ll take me in. Beggars,’ bitterly, ‘can’t be choosers.’
‘Beggars?’
‘I’ve never been here before. If you knew’ — a shadow coming over him—’what it is to be in such a place without a friend. I was crazy with glee, when I got my leave, at the thought of seeing London at last, but after wandering its streets for four hours, I would almost have been glad to be back in the trenches.’
‘If you knew,’ he has said, but indeed the old lady knows.
‘That’s my quandorum too, Kenneth.’
He nods sympathetically.
‘I’m sorry for you, you poor old body,’ shouldering his kit. ‘But I see no way out for either of us.’
A cooing voice says, ‘Do you not?’
‘Are you at it again!’
She knows that it must be now or never. She has left her biggest guns for the end. In her excitement she is rising up and down on her toes.
‘Kenneth, I’ve heard that the thing a man on leave longs for more than anything else is a bed with sheets, and a bath.’
‘You never heard anything truer.’
&nbs
p; ‘Go into that pantry, Kenneth Dowey, and lift the dresser-top, and tell me what you see.’
He goes. There is an awful stillness. He returns, impressed.
‘It’s a kind of a bath!’
‘You could do yourself there pretty, half at a time.’
‘Me?’
‘There’s a woman through the wall that would be very willing to give me a shakedown till your leave is up.’
He snorts.
‘Oh, is there!’
She has not got him yet, but there is still one more gun.
‘Kenneth, look!’
With these simple words she lets down the bed. She says no more; an effect like this would be spoilt by language. Fortunately he is not made of stone. He thrills.
‘My word! That’s the dodge we need in the trenches.’
‘That’s your bed, Kenneth.’
‘Mine?’ He grins at her. ‘You queer old divert. What can make you so keen to be burdened by a lump like me?’
‘He! he! he! he!’
‘I tell you, I’m the commonest kind of man.’
‘I’m just the commonest kind of old wifie myself.’
‘I’ve been a kick-about all my life, and I’m no great shakes at the war.’
‘Yes, you are. How many Germans have you killed?’
‘Just two for certain, and there was no glory in it. It was just because they wanted my shirt.’
‘Your shirt?’
‘Well, they said it was their shirt.’
‘Have you took prisoners?’
‘I once took half a dozen, but that was a poor affair too.’
‘How could one man take half a dozen?’
‘Just in the usual way. I surrounded them.’
‘Kenneth, you’re just my ideal.’
‘You’re easily pleased.’
He turns again to the bed, ‘Let’s see how the thing works.’ He kneads the mattress with his fist, and the result is so satisfactory that he puts down his kit.
‘Old lady, if you really want me, I’ll bide.’
‘Oh! oh! oh! oh!’
Her joy is so demonstrative that he has to drop a word of warning.
‘But, mind you, I don’t accept you as a relation. For your personal glory, you can go on pretending to the neighbours; but the best I can say for you is that you’re on your probation. I’m a cautious character, and we must see how you’ll turn out.’
