by Nina Levine
His eyes find mine. “Yeah.” His voice is croaky, and I can see how much this is affecting him.
I lose myself in the moment and bend forward. Brushing my lips across his, I murmur, “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all this.”
He reaches out and slides his hand around my neck. Holding me so I can’t move my lips away from his, he rasps, “Life’s getting better every day, Callie. You’ve given me that.”
His lips find mine again in a slow-burn kiss that morphs into desperate need. It’s not long before I’m straddling him with my arms around his neck while we kiss as if we’ve never kissed in our life. As if we’re fighting to experience every amazing feeling a kiss can give, all in this one moment.
When he finally pulls away, breathless, I instantly miss his touch. Resting his forehead against mine, he mutters, “Sorry about that. Momentary lapse…”
We sit like this for a long while, both of us struggling to recover our breaths. We’re also both having trouble letting each other go. Our bodies are still pressed hard against each other, and our arms are still around the other.
“I don’t want to move,” I whisper.
“I don’t want you to, either.” His eyes find mine and hold on just as tight as his arms.
I bite my lip. “Are you any closer to the divorce?” I ask hesitantly. I don’t want to nag him about this. And yet, I really want it to hurry up.
His eyes leave mine, and he looks down for a moment. “I think so.” He gives me his eyes again, but only for a quick second before he looks down again. He then stands while still holding me. Placing me down, he says, “I’ll know more soon.”
As I watch him begin to clear the table, I can’t help but feel like he just fobbed me off. It was like he was trying to avoid that whole conversation.
And not in a good way.
It was as if he wasn’t telling me something.
15
Callie
“Hey, kitty,” I say as I bend to pat Mariah the next afternoon. She rubs up against my leg and meows loudly. As I try to move around her so I can unlock my front door, she keeps getting in my way. Laughing, I bend down and scoop her up. Patting her, I say, “I’m sorry I’m late tonight. I got stuck at stupid work and then in traffic. But I’m here now, and if you just let me go inside, I promise to bring your food out.”
She purrs in my arms while I take the opportunity to unlock the door. Placing her back down, I say, “I’ll be back soon.”
My cat, Jasper, meets me on the other side of the door, as keen for food as Mariah. After I give him some attention, I run for the bathroom. I drank a lot of water today, and the traffic was a bitch, and then there was a car accident that held me up. My trip home took an extra hour and a half and to say I’m desperate for the bathroom doesn’t even cover it.
When I enter my kitchen a few minutes later, I grab the cat food and notice my phone on the kitchen counter. “There it is,” I mutter. I forgot it this morning.
After I’ve fed the cats and given them some time, I swipe my phone off the counter.
Holy shit.
There are eight missed calls from Luke.
I don’t bother listening to his voice messages; I call him straight away.
“Callie,” he clips when he answers.
He’s pissed off.
“I’m so sorry, Luke. I left my phone at home. You should have called me at work.”
“I did.”
“Oh. They never told me.”
He’s silent for a beat before he says, “You’re okay?” He’s so gruff with me that annoyance creeps up my spine.
“Yes, I’m fine. What’s up?” I go for casual, hoping he’ll calm down.
“Nothing’s up,” he snaps. “Except for the fact I’ve just spent the last few hours wondering if you were okay. I would have appreciated a phone call.”
“I’m sorry, Luke, I didn’t know you’d called. I don’t like the tone you’re taking. Do you think you could untwist your balls for long enough to give me a chance to explain?”
He doesn’t say anything, but I hear the long breath he blows out. “Sorry.” He pauses. When he speaks again, his voice has softened a fraction. Only a fraction. “I’ve been going out of my mind worrying that you’d had a car accident on the way home. I was just about to come over to your place to see if you were there.”
“I’m here, and I’m okay, so you can stop worrying now. I’m sorry you were so concerned.”
He calms right down then. “Fuck, you shouldn’t be apologising. I’m the one who lost it… Can I come over a little later tonight?”
“Yes,” I agree before we end the call.
There’s a nervous knot in my tummy. I’m going to ask him again about his divorce, because I’ve been turning it over and over in my mind today, and I’m convinced he’s keeping something from me.
By the time Luke arrives just after ten, the nervous knot in my stomach has intensified.
He steps through my front door, and I’m so worked up that I hardly even take in how amazing he looks tonight. All I can focus on is getting my feelings off my chest.
“Do you want a drink? I just made a tea,” I say. My voice is way off, and it comes out weird.
He frowns. “Are you upset with me? I’m sorry I was such a bastard to you earlier.”
My heart speeds up. God, I hate this kind of thing. But I need to tell him what I’m feeling. “I’m not upset with you over that. There’s something else we need to discuss, though.”
He nods. “Okay.”
I take a deep breath. “Yesterday when I asked you about your divorce, you went funny on me. I just want to know what that was about. I’m not nagging, I promise. I’m just confused and—”
He presses his finger gently to my lips. “Shhh… I’ll explain.” He might be saying that he’ll explain, but the expression on his face makes it clear this is the last thing he wants to do.
“Oh, God, Luke… What?”
He takes hold of my hands. “Let’s sit down and I’ll tell you what’s going on.”
Now that I know there’s something, I’m not sure I actually want to know. I think it would have been better staying in my cocoon of oblivion.
He leads me to the couch and settles me before sitting next to me. Raking his fingers through his hair, he says, “The divorce has been stalled because the police got involved. They think Jolene committed another murder before she killed her mother, and they asked me to get some information from her. I’ve spent the last month getting this information for them.” He stops talking for a beat. The way he’s now watching me as if he’s unsure how I’ll take all this makes me feel like an important piece of the puzzle is about to be revealed. “In order to do that, I’ve had to spend time at the prison with Jolene, letting her believe I wanted to put our marriage back together.”
My mind runs in a million different directions. But first and foremost, all I can think is how hard the past month must have been for Luke. I reach for his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Lines etch his forehead as he frowns. “Why are you sorry?”
“Because after everything you’ve had to go through over the last two years, you now have to do this. I can’t even imagine what it takes to go into that prison and do what you’re doing. I’m not sure I would have said yes to the police if it were me. Not after all the hell she’s already put you through.”
“I’m not the awesome person you might think. I had no choice but to say yes.”
“Why?”
“When I was seventeen I got mixed up with this crowd who committed robberies. I didn’t have anything to do with their crime sprees. I just drank with them and hung out with them. One of the guys, Dermot, was a friend of mine from school, that’s how I met them. I eventually moved on and found new friends, but I always kept in touch with Dermot. I tried to help him see that crime wasn’t a great life choice. A year ago, I realised how deep he was involved—he’d found a new gang to run with, and they carried out armed robberies t
hat sometimes involved people getting shot. Nothing I said seemed to get through to him. One day, I’d just picked up some dry cleaning for Paris and was walking back to my car when I saw him in a car down the road. I tried to talk to him that day while he was sitting in the car. Later I found out he’d been waiting for his crew who were in a nearby bank robbing them. I’d fucking approached the driver of the getaway car, and I’d put my prints on it when I leaned against the door. The police threatened to bring me into their ongoing investigation over that robbery if I didn’t help them with their murder case.” His words are bitter, and I don’t blame him.
“Did they really think they could pin anything on you?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. The detective I’ve been dealing with is an asshole, and he’s made it clear he won’t hesitate to drag me through the process of having to clear my name if I don’t help him. He wants to be the one who cracks this murder case, and he’s hell bent on proving its Jolene. I looked at my options and decided to help him rather than put Sean through any more upheaval. Plus, I was trying to avoid more lawyer bills. The last lot wiped me out, and I’m just beginning to turn that around.”
I squeeze his hand. “Why didn’t you tell me this?”
“I was told not to tell anyone close to me what was going on. Not even Tyler or my mother knew. Just after we slept together, I told the detective I was done. All I want to do is move on—file the divorce and move the fuck on. I ended up asking my mum for financial help, so I have a lawyer helping now. He hasn’t been able to give me much hope, though.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I finally managed to get some information out of Jolene on Saturday that the police wanted. We thought that would be enough for them, but I spoke with the lawyer again today, and he now thinks they may want more.” He blows out a harsh breath. “I’m beginning to wonder if I’m better off sticking to my guns and letting the cards fall where they will. Seeing Jolene does my head in and I’m not sure how much more I can take.”
“But you’re worried about Sean, aren’t you?” I say softly. He’s just a father trying to do the right thing for his son and in the process he’s being screwed by people in authority. It’s a gross misuse of power.
His shoulders slump as he nods. “Yeah. He’s the only one I care about here, Callie.”
I think back to all the grief I’ve given Luke over the past year.
All the arguing I’ve done with him when he’s been trying to look out for me.
All the times I refused to take his help because I thought I knew better.
God, I’ve been so stupid. Taking care of people really is in his DNA, just like he told me.
I shift a little closer to him on the couch. Reaching out to touch his cheek, I say, “You are an amazing man, Luke. I won’t hound you over the divorce again. I know it will happen and until then I’ll be patient. I’m just glad to have you in my life now.”
His hand closes over mine against his cheek. “Fuck, Callie, you haven’t hounded me about the divorce. You can ask me about it anytime. I promise you there are no more secrets. You know everything now. And screw patient. I’m sick of being patient over this. I need it to happen now so I can get on with my life.” He moves his face so close to mine that a shiver of lust races across my skin. “I need you in every-fucking-way,” he growls.
“I need you, too.”
God, how I need him.
And it’s not just about sex. It’s the connection to him I know is missing—the connection that giving yourself over to someone completely brings. The emotional as well as physical. Allowing yourself to be so vulnerable with another person takes the relationship to a whole new level, and I crave that with Luke.
His lips meet mine. Scrunching my eyes closed, I try to block out the instant guilt I feel. Is it cheating if you’re giving your heart to someone even if you’re not giving them your body? Is it cheating if someone is married, but not in love with their spouse anymore?
My lips part as my body sinks into his.
My arms go around his neck as shame stains my heart.
My tongue finds his as turmoil ravages me.
This man might finally break down my walls and cause me to forget my morals. Because how can something that feels so right be so wrong?
Our kiss grows more insistent, more demanding. We both want more from it, and my restraint is near breaking point.
I move my hands to his chest and then down so I can reach under his T-shirt as memories of our night together fill my mind.
Luke groans as my fingers trail a pattern over the ridges of his abs. His hands slide down my back to grip my ass. When he pulls me into his lap, I moan. His erection presses against me, and I grind against it. Holy hell, I want him. More than I’ve ever wanted a man before.
I can’t help myself—I pull Luke’s shirt off. Dragging my mouth from his, I eye his bare chest and abs. The man is made for sin. I swear it. Chiselled muscles taunt me, as does the tattoo on his chest. I love ink on a man. Luke has a couple of tattoos that I want to dedicate time to studying.
My eyes find his and the need I see there causes my thighs to clench tighter against his legs. His hands reach for my face, and he pulls my mouth back to his.
Oh, God.
Please don’t send me to hell for this.
I promise I’ll be a good girl in my next life.
Clearly I’m destined for a life of sin in this one, because as much as my morals are screaming at me to stop, my body has taken over and is all in.
And then Luke pulls his lips from mine. He stares at me, his eyes wild with want and his breaths coming hard and fast. He rakes his fingers through his hair and mutters, “Fuck. Sorry.”
My chest rises and falls hard and fast as I try to catch my breath. And my senses.
Before I can form words, he lifts me and deposits me back on the couch. Reaching for his shirt, he pulls it over his head while he stands. His back is to me, and I take in the way his hand rubs the back of his neck. My eyes are drawn to his muscles rippling under his shirt, and I curse under my breath.
He turns back to look at me. His face is filled with as much torment as I am feeling. “I better go before this gets completely out of hand.”
I nod, breathless. My body is still catching up to my mind. It’s begging me to stop him, but I don’t. Instead, I let Luke leave as I wonder how much longer we can go on like this.
If Luke hadn’t stopped us tonight, I don’t think I would have.
16
Luke
“Mummy!”
Sean’s high-pitched scream draws my attention from Callie. Probably a good thing. I’ve taken a few hours off work to spend with her. She came over for pizza, which we finished about an hour ago. We’ve been on the couch talking since then, but all I can think about is last night and how close we came to sex. It’s been just over two weeks since we slept together and I’m fighting like fuck to respect her feelings about sleeping with a married man. I don’t share her reservations because I know my heart hasn’t belonged to Jolene for a long time, but I never want to pressure Callie to do something she’s not comfortable with. Last night was hard, though. I almost fucked it all up.
Pushing off the couch, I say, “I’ll be back. Don’t eat all that chocolate while I’m gone.”
She grins. “Good luck with that, buddy. Me and chocolate have a long-standing love affair that not even you can come between.”
I return her grin. “I bet.”
Making my way through the house, I contemplate the fact Sean is still having nightmares that end with him calling out for his mother. This has been going on for about a year now. It happens less often, but it still happens. When I arrive at his bedroom, he’s thrashing in his bed, crying. My heart constricts with both pain and anger. The fact Jolene has done this to him, pisses me off. The fact she doesn’t have to see it, causes an intense anger like I’ve never known to consume me. But then again, she was never a mother who was close to her child, so s
he probably wouldn’t even be affected by it.
I pull him into my arms. “Shhhh,” I murmur over and over until his crying subsides.
I cradle him for about ten minutes while he calms down enough to open his eyes and look up at me. “I want Mummy,” he says, his voice wobbling.
I run my fingers through his hair. “I know, little man, but Mummy has gone away.” My voice cracks. Nothing prepares you for parenthood, but nothing fucking prepares you for this.
“When will she be back?” This question gets me every time he asks it. What do you tell a child when the truth is worse than any bad dream they will ever have?
It’s been a good six months since he’s seen her. I used to take him to visit her in prison, but I stopped when I discovered the truth. It was bad enough taking a child to that place when I thought his mother was wrongfully there, but no way was I allowing her to see him once I knew who she really was.
I stare down into eyes that will always remind me who his mother is. “I don’t know.” It’s the most honest answer I can give him. And honesty is something I will always give him because those you love deserve nothing less.
He thinks about that for a little while, and I continue to hold him. Finally, he says, “I miss her.” His words shred my heart a little more, and I swallow down my pain.
Nodding, I say, “I know.”
His head snuggles against my chest, and we sit like this for another ten minutes until he falls back asleep. I place him back in bed and pull the covers up. Pressing a kiss to his forehead, I whisper, “I love you.”
By the time I make it back to Callie, she’s eaten almost all the chocolate. It looks like she may have left me two pieces. Either that, or she’s still planning on eating them.
She hits me with an expression that tells me she’s concerned. “Is he okay?”
