by Nina Levine
I rub the back of my neck. This can’t be happening. “You are my family, Callie. You’re who I want. I don’t love Jolene anymore.”
“How do you know?”
My anxiety ratchets up several notches. Why isn’t she listening to me? “Baby, my love for you is so black and white. Why can’t you see it? You’re everything to me. There is no uncertainty.”
“Life isn’t lived in black and white, Luke. You taught me that. We exist in shades of colour. Some days are the blackest of black while others are as pure as white. And then, when we’re lucky, there are days filled with brilliant bursts of colour. My time with you was filled with days of red, and yellow, and green, and all the colours of the rainbow. I’ll cherish those days for eternity. But you have a wife and a son who need you, and regardless of where your family ends up, I won’t be the person who stood in the way. Jolene has existed in black for too long, and as much as you two have travelled a path of darkness together, you loved that woman enough to marry her and have a child together. I want to give you the chance to explore whether you’re really ready to let that love go.”
I try not to hear her words.
I need to make her understand.
“I want you, Callie. I was an idiot to let you go in the first place. Jolene knows our marriage is over.”
She takes a deep breath. “Luke, this job in LA is everything I’ve ever wanted. If I don’t at least try it, I’ll never know what could have been.”
I still. Fuck, I’m a selfish bastard. “What’s the job?”
“Writing on a new TV show. It’s an amazing opportunity they’ve offered me. It could lead to all kinds of writing work.”
This is her dream. I know that. And as much as it will fucking kill me, I need to let her go so she can chase that dream. I trail a finger down her cheek. “I’m so proud of you.”
She catches my hand before it leaves her cheek. “Thank you.”
Her touch jolts want through me. I need to get out of here before I beg her to forget her dream. Letting her hand go, I take a step away. “When do you leave?”
Her voice drops to an almost whisper. “Tomorrow.”
As I stare at her, taking that in, I know I’ll never survive this woman. She brought me back to life, and loved me so damn hard. I never knew love so good. It’ll steal my everything when she leaves.
Part II
SIX MONTHS LATER
43
Callie
I shove my key in the lock to my apartment’s front door and hurriedly push the door open. I’m running so late and I’m concerned I’ll miss my weekly phone call with Avery. Tuesday nights is bestie time. Always.
Dropping my bag onto the kitchen counter, I almost knock my plant to the floor as I round the corner to the fridge. I’m so damn hungry. It’s been nearly eight hours since lunch and with no time for food between then and now, I could eat everything in my fridge. Not that there’s much in there, so it probably wouldn’t even fill me up.
The story of my life lately.
Not much spare cash.
Not much food.
Oh, and no damn sex.
I thought a three-month sex drought was bad; try going nearly eight months without it.
Well, that’s because you refuse to forget Luke.
After I grab the cheese and bread from the fridge, I make a cheese sandwich and devour it. I’ve just finished when my phone rings.
Snatching it up, I say, “Girl, you have impeccable timing.”
There’s a moment of silence before I hear Estelle’s voice. “Callie, my darling, how are you?”
I grin. I love that Luke’s mum keeps in touch with me. We speak a couple of times a month. I’ve even managed to get her to use Facebook Messenger. Next, I plan on introducing her to GIFS, but you can’t rush these things. Baby steps. “Hey, Estelle. I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m finally getting married, so that makes me the happiest woman in the world. I swear, never leave anything to the man to organise—they just don’t have the talents us women do in that department.”
“I’m so happy for you and George. It has certainly been a journey to this point, though, hasn’t it?” Their marriage was supposed to happen just over six months ago but Estelle fractured her wrist so they delayed it. Then George fell ill, which meant another delay.
“He’s so worth the wait.” She sounds like a giddy schoolgirl. I love this. She’s shown me it doesn’t matter your age, you can find love at any moment in your life.
“So, the Whitsundays?”
“Yes. Actually, that’s why I’m calling.”
“Oh?”
“I want you to come. I’ll pay for your flights and accommodation. It would mean so much to me to have you there.”
I still.
Luke will be there.
I swallow the dryness in my throat. “Umm, I doubt I’d be able to get time off work, sorry, Estelle.” I could definitely get the time off work.
She’s quiet for a moment. “Please, Callie. I know why you would hesitate, but I hope you’ll come anyway. You’re like a daughter to me.”
She’s really pulling out the big guns tonight. I have to admit, though, that I feel like she’s the mother I never had. Estelle has shown me more support and encouragement than my own mother. She’s always checking in on me and cheering me on when I’m having a down day.
I take a deep breath as I prepare to commit to something I’m not sure I should. “When is it?”
“The sixth of August. I’ll be arriving on the third, though, and would like you to come early if you can so we can spend some time together.”
You can do this.
A few days with Estelle and then you can fly back here and put him out of your mind again.
“Okay, I would love to come. Thank you for inviting me.”
Her happiness blares through the phone. We end the call with her promising to send me all the information and tickets tomorrow.
I’ve just hung up from her when Avery calls.
“Babe, please tell me you’re going to Estelle’s wedding.”
She laughs. “I see she’s already asked you. She told me she would. I was going to mention it to you today. And yes, I’ll be there.”
“Oh, thank God! Because I’m not sure I could do Luke without you. Now, tell me how you’re feeling. Did you have your doctor appointment today?”
“Yes, and I’m feeling fine except for this goddamn heartburn I can’t shift.”
“Did Tyler go with you?”
“God, that man will be the end of me. He came and he drove me insane. Callie, he’s trying to dictate what cot I can buy and what pram I can choose. He even started talking about schools today. Schools! For fuck’s sake, the baby isn’t even born yet.”
I can’t help it. I burst out laughing. These two need to just have sex again and get it out of their system. That, and admit once and for all how much they want each other. Seven months of pregnancy has only brought them closer together as they navigate the tricky waters of bringing a child into the world while not together.
“At least your child has a father who is going to be there for it,” I remind her.
“Well, there is that, I guess. And I’m thankful for his involvement, honestly, but he’s being a tad overbearing for my liking.”
“Estelle makes ‘em bossy, that’s for sure.” My heart beats a little faster as I think about Luke. Even after all these months, the pain hasn’t gone away.
“Luke asked me about you yesterday,” she says softly.
I want to beg her for every single last detail of that conversation, but I don’t. “How is he?” When I first moved, I made it a rule that we weren’t to talk about him, but over the last couple of weeks she’s been sneaking him into our conversations. Estelle has been, too.
“He’s still moody as hell. I hope you know that you leaving made my life hard. Sean still talks about you. That kid misses you something bad. But at least he has his mum kind of back in his life.”<
br />
I grip the phone harder. I miss Sean just as much. The day I left Australia, I dropped by Luke’s place to say goodbye to Sean. I couldn’t leave without doing that. It had been almost as hard as leaving Luke. I wanted to keep in touch with him, but it wouldn’t have been fair to anyone. “Do you know how Jolene is?”
“Luke doesn’t talk about her to me very much, but I asked Tyler and he said she’s doing it tough waiting for the appeal to come up. Luke takes Sean twice a week to see her and from what I know, they’re growing closer. I don’t know much more. Except that Luke and Jolene aren’t getting back together. I overheard him talking to Tyler about the divorce.”
“So they’re definitely getting a divorce?” I don’t even want to admit to myself how much I crave the answer to this question.
“Callie, it’s gone through. Luke and Jolene are divorced.”
My legs go weak and I steady myself by grabbing hold of the kitchen counter and leaning against it.
“Babe, are you still there?” she asks when I don’t say anything.
“Yeah, I’m still here.” And I feel so far away. I wish like anything I was back in Brisbane. Back with Luke.
“Are you okay over there? I worry about you. Talk to me and don’t leave anything out.”
Admitting when I’ve made a mistake isn’t something I do easily. I’m so damn stubborn and will keep plodding along in the direction I’ve chosen. Within two months of arriving in LA, I knew I’d screwed up. And not just because I missed Luke like crazy. “I don’t fit in here, A. I love writing, but I don’t love writing as part of a team for a TV show. And the people are all so… fake. I can’t tell who at work actually likes me for me, or whether they think I can do something for them and that’s why they like me. And don’t get me started about the coffee here. I miss Aussie coffee.”
“Oh, babe, why don’t you come home if you’re not happy?”
“I don’t want to be a quitter. Maybe it will get better.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince the most here.
“It’s not called quitting if you make a decision for the right reasons.”
“It’s also damn expensive to pack up and move home. Trust me, I’ve calculated it. And then I’d have to get a job and find somewhere to live… It all just feels too hard and too much.”
“Callie, stop and breathe for a moment. Everything can be sorted out. You can live with me until you get on your feet. You can even work with me in my eBay shop. My sales just keep growing and we could definitely expand it and do more if I had you working too. I can help you out for money—”
“Avery, you need your money to pay for the baby.”
“Just shut up for a minute, okay? I’ve been saving like you wouldn’t believe over the last six months and things have really turned around for me. I’ve been telling you this for months. I could help you out for a little while.”
She has been telling me this, but still, I hate the idea of taking money from my friends. “I’ll think about it.”
“I swear I will come over there myself and get you if you don’t either start loving life again or come home by yourself. Some days I can totally understand why Luke used to get so frustrated with you.”
I sag against the counter. “Did you have to mention his name again?”
“My bad.”
“It’s okay. I’ve got Harvey.”
“Oh, God, you’re back on him?”
I never stopped.
“Let’s make a pact—no more talk of men for this conversation. Talk to me about Estelle’s wedding. What are you wearing? I need to know everything so I can get ready.”
We spend the next half hour talking about everything under the sun, except for Luke or Tyler. When I hang up the phone, I curl into a ball on my bed and cry myself to sleep.
I thought breakups were supposed to get better with each passing day and month. Mine isn’t. Luke Hardy has taken up residence in my heart and my soul, and I don’t know how I’ll ever get over him.
44
Luke
“Daddy, you’re late!” Sean flies into my arms the minute I enter the kitchen. His excited features cause a smile to spread across my face. Coming home to my son is always the best part of my day.
“How was school today?” I ask, still holding him. I figure it won’t be long now until he stops wanting me to hold him so I’m making the most of every minute I have with him at this age.
“Jacinta May got into a fight with me. She always fights with me.” I chuckle. My son is learning that girls can be a handful at an early age.
I let him down and eye my family sitting around the dining table. Paris is deep in conversation with Avery while Tyler shakes his head at something they say, and Mum is laughing flirtatiously at something George has said. Paris looks up and smiles. Waving me over, she says, “Luke, we need your input on this.”
Sean drags me to the table and I take the seat next to Mum. “What’s up?”
Avery rolls her eyes at the same time that Tyler says, “Avery wants to go sailing while we’re at the Whitsundays—”
Avery jabs her thumb towards Tyler. “And he says it’s not safe. For God’s sake, I’d just be sitting on the damn boat. I wouldn’t go snorkelling or anything so I don’t see how it could harm me or the baby.”
Tyler turns to face her. I’m sure all she sees is him arguing with her, but what I see is a man so in love with a woman and the child they’re having that he is desperate to keep them safe. “What if the water gets choppy? Or you stand and lose your balance? You could fall and then we’d be stuck out at sea with no way of getting you to the hospital.”
I nod. “He’s got a point, Avery. I wouldn’t let my woman go sailing when she was as far along as you are.”
Her brows rise. “Let? You wouldn’t let her? Like you own her?”
“Yes, I wouldn’t allow it. And no, I don’t believe men own women—you’re being dramatic now—but as a man I take it very seriously when I love someone and just want the best for them.” I try like fuck not to think of Callie as I say this, but it’s a hopeless endeavour considering she’s the only woman I have truly loved.
I always thought I loved Jolene but I understand the difference between first love and true love now. I imagine that for some people they are a one-in-the-same thing, but for me, they weren’t. I was too young and inexperienced when I married Jolene to grasp the concept of love. Callie taught me what true love really looks like. It is selfless and all consuming. It is wanting the other person to be happy and being willing to sacrifice anything for that to happen. It’s found in the daily give and take between two people as they work together to build the life they want. It’s the romance, the fighting, the fun, the sad, the heart speeding up when you catch a glance of the person you love, the tears, the smiles, the taking care of them while they are sick. It’s the giving of yourself without hesitation when you’d rather be doing something else. True love is found in the small gestures, not the big ones.
“So, no sailing,” Tyler says as if that settles it between them.
Avery shakes her head. “I’m not your woman, Tyler. I won’t do anything to harm our baby, but I will make my own decisions.”
I chuckle. “Good luck, man.”
“Luke,” Mum says, “because you’re flying in earlier to the island than the rest of us next week, I need you to do me a favour please.”
“What?” I never willingly agree to anything she asks without knowing exactly what it is. My mother has this tendency to assume anything she wants is possible when that’s not the case at all. George seems to have grounded her a little, though, so her expectations aren’t as fantasy-like as they once were.
Something I don’t see often on my mother’s face surfaces—hesitation. “Well, Callie’s flight arrives just before yours. I was hoping you could make sure she arrives safely and settles into the hotel okay.”
I should have known it would have something to do with Callie. My mother has an agenda other than her wedding for
this trip. “I think we all know there’s no way I wouldn’t check in with Callie and make sure she’s okay. But that does not mean you’ll get your wish where she and I are concerned.”
Mum pouts. Fucking pouts. “I don’t understand why you are so stubborn about your relationship with her.”
“There’s no way to make a relationship between us work when we live in different countries. Sometimes we can’t have what we want, Mum.”
“I think Callie would drop everything and run back to you if you told her you wanted that.”
“I wouldn’t want her to. She’s finally getting to do the one thing she’s always wanted. I wouldn’t take that from her.”
Mum rolls her eyes. “You don’t understand women very well. I clearly failed to teach you about us. Luke, love is what all women want. You wouldn’t be taking something from her. You’d be giving her your heart, and that my boy is what she really wants.”
“Mum, not all women are like you. Some want far more than a man in their lives.”
Avery butts in, saving me from this god-awful conversation. “Callie’s not happy in LA.”
I stare at her. “What?”
“She would kill me if she knew I told you this, but she doesn’t love her job and she doesn’t love the people over there. I’m pretty sure she wants to come home.”
I ignore the way my heart slams against my chest. “It’s only been six months, Avery. You know she hates change. She just needs to give it more time and she’ll settle into her new life.”
“I don’t think so, Luke.”
I push my chair back and stand. “Anyone want a beer? Or a drink?”
Mum hits me with a dirty look. “So that’s it? You’re going to refuse to talk about her?”
“Yeah. Callie’s making a new life for herself and I’m happy for her. End of story. Now, if we could get dinner happening, that would be fucking awesome because I’m starving.”
Jolene’s eyes light up a few days later when I take Sean to visit her in prison. She holds her arms out to him and he moves into them for a hug. A newfound happiness fills me at the sight. I’d lived in hope for so long that she would learn to love her son, but as she spiralled into a desperate existence in prison, I gave up that hope. To see it happening now means everything to me.
