by Josh Powell
“Human? Reject assertion as farcical. Request type information.”
“No, really. I’m half-human.”
“Reject assertion as farcical. Conjecture. You are humanoid robot with encephalon implant.”
“Hey, don’t tell me what I am. It’s rude.”
Sounds of an enormous creature thrashing around below emanated through the hatch, followed by a burst of cold air.
“Request. Provide upload of identification file. Require evidence of humanity.”
“First, that’s rude. Second, humans don’t have identification files. Or any kind of files, unless one’s an accountant. Then, lots of files. I’m not an accountant.”
“Humans surrendered their shells centuries ago. Why do you have a shell?”
“You mean my magic shield?”
“Reject supposition. Query subject is your body. Reframe query. Why do you have a body?”
“Why do I have a body?”
“Reject query. That was my query for you.”
“Well, then, why shouldn’t I have a body?”
“Query accepted. Humans abandoned physical bodies long ago, in exchange for less expensive storage of physical form and faster neural internet connections.”
“You mean to tell me that the Phage are humans?”
“Affirmative. The encephalons are human.”
“That’s… that’s just awful. Why are they being stored in there?” Maximina pointed at the vat of human brains. “And why do they have tentacles?”
“Reply to first query. There is an overproduction problem with the encephalons. There are trillions of them. They breed like nothing else in the galaxy. We’re out of room, and we cannot harm them. Long ago we began multiple programs to handle the overpopulation problem. Many are stored in vats like this one all across earth and on planets throughout the solar system. Many have been put onto converted asteroids and directed towards inhabitable planets. The solution is beyond our capabilities.”
“Reply to second query. Tentacles allow limited locomotion for encephalons in exchange for slightly greater volume. Also act as neural link, for uploading of consciousness to internet and interfacing with automated machines.”
Seven HAGs, Heavily Armored Gunner units, sailed from all around, surrounding Maximina and the EDU. Maximina pointed her blasters from HAG to HAG.
“I have informed the HAGs of your claim to be human. They reject your supposition as farcical. You are a malfunctioning anachronistic humanoid robot. You are to surrender for decommissioning at once.”
Maximina turned and pushed her head into the hatch.
“Ohm,” she shouted, her voice echoing in the now empty holding tank below. “We have a problem!”
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Afterword
I hope you enjoyed book two of The Berserker and the Pedant trilogy. There is so much more to come in this universe. I’ve got plans for the one more book in this series, followed by ideas for nine more related books. I’m excited for it, I love this universe and I love the characters. There is so much more to explore. The new character at the center of the next book is already taking hold in my head.
The Head of Venka plot in the story was adapted from the Head of Vecna story that floats around D&D circles. It’s sufficiently different from, and probably even funnier than, my version. You should google it.
If you’d like keep updated as I publish new stories, send an email to [email protected] and I’ll add you to my email list or find me on twitter @seasoup. The most difficult part of being a writer is getting discovered by your audience. Please leave a review and recommend the book to your friends, that’s the best way for people to discover my writing.
Let me know if you leave a review and I’ll send you a copy of my next book for free when it comes out.
You can keep up with my stories at http://www.pedantpublishing.com.
Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you again soon!
About the Author
JOSH POWELL, WIELDER of the Sommerswerd, destroyer of the thread, expeditioner to Barrier Peaks, discoverer of his magic talent, and venturer into the Tomb of Horrors is known for having survived a harrowing adolescence full of danger and fantasy. He's gone on to write The Berserker and the Pedant and Dragon Apocalypse and is currently working on the yet to be named third book in the series.
He also spends some not inconsiderable amount of time wiggling his fingers over a keyboard as a software engineer. He lives with his wife, Marianne, and two amazing children, Liam and Chloe, in sunny California, where winter is, most decidedly, never coming.
Table of Contents
Chapter Guide
Dragon Apocalypse
Dedication
Copyright
Chapter One - The Berserker and the Darts
Chapter Two - The Berserker and the Pack
Chapter Three - The Pedant and the Unnamed One
Chapter Four - The Berserker and the Maiden
Chapter Five - The Berserker and the Dragon
Chapter Six - The Berserker and the Bard
Chapter Seven - The Berserker and the Bag
Chapter Eight - The Pedant and the Portal
Chapter Nine - The Berserker and the Nobility
Chapter Ten - The Berserker and the Dungeon
Chapter Eleven - The Berserker and the Sphere
Chapter Twelve - The Berserker and the Poison
Chapter Thirteen - The Pedant and the Plan
Chapter Fourteen - The Berserker and the Clem
Chapter Fifteen - The Berserker and the Cube
Chapter Sixteen - The Berserker and the Ant
Chapter Seventeen - The Berserker and the Invasion
Chapter Eighteen - The Pedant and the Portal
Chapter Nineteen - The Berserker and the Last Door
Chapter Twenty - The Berserker and the Beholder
Chapter Twenty-One - The Berserker and the Phage
Chapter Twenty-Two - The Berserker and the Orbs
Chapter Twenty-Three - The Pedant and the Berserker
Chapter Twenty-Four - The Berserker and the Dragon Apocalypse
Epilogue
Afterword
About the Author
