by E. L. Todd
“It’s five.”
“PM?” I asked incredulously.
“It’s five in the morning, idiot,” the bartender snapped. “How drunk are you?”
I shrugged and downed the rest of my glass so he wouldn’t take it away from me.
“You need me to call you a cab?”
“I’ll walk.” I snatched my debit card and stumbled out, feeling dizzy. I fumbled for the door and made it to the sidewalk. They locked the doors behind me, and I saw people heading to work as they marched past. A lot of joggers were out, exercising before starting the day.
I was so drunk, I slid to the ground and leaned against the wall. I looked like a bum with an expensive jacket. People didn’t pay any attention to me as they passed, writing me off as a nobody.
My phone started to ring, so I pulled it out and looked at the screen. My vision was blurry, and I couldn’t make anything out. It might have said Taylor’s name but I wasn’t totally sure. I answered it anyway. “Wad up, dog?”
Taylor’s concerned voice came over the line. “Volt?”
“Bark bark.”
“Are you okay?”
“Moo…” I laughed for some strange reason.
“You’re wasted, aren’t you?”
“What’s it to you, chicka?”
She sighed into the phone. “Where are you?”
“I don’t know,” I said with a shrug.
“Get home now. I’m worried.”
“But not too worried, right?” I snapped. “Since you’re willing to pick that stupid bitch over me.”
“Volt, stop calling her that.”
“I’ll call her whatever the hell I want.” Click. I hung up on her. I was playing with fire and I knew it, but I was too drunk to care.
My phone rang a few moments later, and I knew it was Taylor. She wanted to give me an earful about my poor behavior. “Look, you have your opinion, and I have mine. She’s a bitch. I have every right to say it.”
“Dude, it’s Derek.” His voice was raspy like he just rolled out of bed.
“Oh, hi.” He was the last person I expected. “Why are you calling me?”
“Taylor told me you’re being a little bitch.”
“What?” I shrieked. “I’m the one being a bitch?” She really had some nerve. That dumb ho Sara was the real culprit.
“Where are you?” he said. “I’m going to swing by and pick you up.”
“I’m good. Go back to sleep.”
“I’m coming for you whether you like it or not. Now tell me where you are.”
“I don’t even know…”
“Look around, idiot.”
I turned back to the bar I was just in. “Tito’s…I think it says Tito’s.”
“Did you go there because that’s where you caught Sara cheating on you?”
How did he remember that? “I don’t know. I honestly don’t remember how I got here.”
“I’ll come get you. Hang tight.”
“I’m the bum sleeping against the wall.”
“Yeah, I’ll figure it out. You’ll be the only asshole drunk at five am.”
***
Derek walked me inside the apartment, my arm around his shoulder. He supported my weight with his since my legs were Jell-O. I drank more last night than I had in my entire life.
I was going to hurl.
“Thank god.” Taylor helped him get me to the couch. “Thank you so much, Derek.”
“No problem.” He dropped me on the couch then stretched his back. “That fucker weighs a lot.”
I meant to flip him off but extended my forefinger instead.
“Idiot,” Derek whispered under his breath.
“Thanks for bringing him home,” Taylor said. “He wouldn’t tell me where he was.”
“Bad fight, huh?” he asked.
“She’s dumping me,” I blurted. “Fucking dumping me.” I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling, feeling my eyes close.
“Uh…” Derek looked at her, assuming it couldn’t possibly be true.
“We’ll talk about it later,” she whispered to him. “It’s complicated.”
“Not really,” I said. “Her best friend is Sara. The same Sara I used to date. There. Pretty simple.”
Derek’s eyes widened. “Wow…that’s a coincidence.”
“Now she wants to pick her over me.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “She’d rather keep her best friend and kiss me goodbye. That’s some fucked-up shit, huh?”
Derek stared at her again.
“That’s not correct,” Taylor explained. “It’s just messy.”
“Tell yourself whatever you want to hear.” I was being a huge ass but whatever. I could blame it on the alcohol.
“I’m gonna go…” Derek headed to the door. “Let me know if he needs anything else.”
“I’ll take it from here,” Taylor said. “Thanks for getting up.”
“No problem. I’m going back to bed now.” He walked out. “Bye, Volt.” He shut the door without waiting for me to respond.
I closed my eyes because I couldn’t stay awake anymore. My mind was in a cloud of confusion.
Taylor removed my shoes and socks then pulled my jacket off. She removed my pants next, unzipping them and dragging them down my hips.
“You aren’t getting any from me tonight.”
“Shut up, Volt.” She got my pants off then removed my shirt. When I was just in boxers, she covered me with a blanket and placed a pillow under my head. Like old times, she grabbed two painkillers and set them on the table next to a glass of water. “I have to get ready for work.”
“Good. Don’t come back.” Hatred flew out of my mouth, but I couldn’t stop it. I was so angry. I finally had what I wanted, and it was being taken away from me. “Take your shit and leave. I don’t want you anymore.” I couldn’t stop myself. I just kept going.
Taylor hid the hurt look on her face and walked down the hallway. The shower started to run as she got ready for work.
Instead of falling asleep, I just lay there. I hated myself for everything I just said. I hated myself for leaving last night. My sorrow took charge and put all my reasoning aside.
She walked to the entryway thirty minutes later, ready to head off to work. She had her big bag full of her books and notepads. She didn’t bother saying goodbye to me. She didn’t even look at me.
If I didn’t say something now, I would regret it forever. “Baby?”
Her feet flinched by the entryway. I couldn’t see her, but I could hear her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that. I love you, and I don’t want you to leave. Not now. Not ever.”
She didn’t move. Her feet remained glued to the ground. Maybe she would just walk out because she was sick of my shit. Maybe there was no going back. Maybe it was too late to apologize.
Then her heels headed my way, tapping against the hardwood floor. She came to my side and sat at the edge of the cushion, her hair done in nice curls and her makeup looking natural.
I looked up at her, hoping she still loved me.
She placed her hand on my chest and rubbed me gently. Then she leaned in and kissed me.
In that moment, it seemed like everything would be okay. She still loved me. She still wanted me. At the end of the day, she would still come home to me. We could get through this.
“Get some sleep.”
“Okay. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
***
I just got out of the shower when she came home. My clothes smelled like booze and dirt, and even a session at the dry cleaner wouldn’t save my sport coat. That thing was ruined.
I’d have to buy another one.
“Hey.” I greeted her at the entryway, grateful she still came home to me after my breakdown last night. When I was able to think again, I realized I acted out because I was scared.
Scared of losing her.
“Hey.” She set her things down and gave me a soft kiss.
�
��Sorry about last night…and this morning.”
“It’s okay, Volt. I know you didn’t mean the things you said.”
Well, I meant the part about Sara being a bitch. “I got carried away with everything. I’ve lost you once, and I can’t do it again. I was just afraid, not that it’s an excuse.”
“It’s a really stressful time for both of us. I know what you’re feeling.”
Now we were back to where we started. The problem still loomed over our heads like a raincloud. It would hover there until it finally poured down on us. All the anxiety crept back into my veins, making me sick. “Just tell me we’ll work through this. Tell me it’s you and me. I can’t deal with this anymore unless I have that reassurance.”
Instead of giving it to me, she just stared.
“Baby…”
“Honestly, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t ignore this and hope it’ll go away. I can’t just pretend this isn’t a serious problem. Because it is. I don’t have an answer for you.”
She was breaking my heart. “You’re actually considering ending this relationship?” It hurt just to say it out loud. In fact, it killed me.
“I’m considering everything.”
I wanted to break the already broken coffee table. I wanted to demolish everything in the apartment. I wanted to scream until every window shattered. “How can you possibly even think that?”
“Just listen to me.”
I didn’t think I could listen to her insanity.
“Sara has been my best friend my whole life—”
“You’ve already told me that.”
“Listen to me,” she snapped. “I can’t picture my life without her. We’ve gone through so much together. When I’m old and gray, she’ll still be my friend. She’ll still be there for me. She’ll be the godmother to my children. I know you don’t like her and can’t understand how much she means to me, but she means the world to me.”
I had a mouthful of hateful things to say but I kept them back.
“And then there’s you…”
“What about me?”
“You’re my best friend. You’re everything to me. You’re the love of my life. When I think about my future, you’re always the man I see. Even before we were anything serious, I saw you at the end of my road. You’re the father of my kids. You’re the man I grow old with.” Her eyes tore up in sadness. “Don’t you see it?”
“See what?” I whispered.
“How important both of you are to me? The two of you are equals. How am I supposed to choose when I love you both so much?” She sniffed and quickly wiped her tears away, trying to mask her overwhelming sadness. “What am I supposed to do, Volt? If you have any objective advice, I’d love to hear it.”
“I don’t. I just want you to choose me.” She was essential to my happiness. Without her, I was nothing. I thought I reached the end of the road with her. I thought I said goodbye to a life of bitterness and loneliness.
“I know.”
“I need to think about it. I need some time.”
“Okay.” I couldn’t sway her in either direction. I already tried but failed.
“I’m going to go back to my place.”
What? “Why?”
“I need to be alone for a while. I can’t think clearly when I’m with you all the time.”
I hated this. Loathed it. I didn’t give her my blessing because she didn’t have it. I remained silent.
“I just need a few days.”
Even a single night was too long.
“I’m going to gather my things…” She walked around me, being careful not to brush against my arm.
I listened to her go, resisting the urge to grab her and force her to stay. It took all my strength not to fight her. It took all my strength to stand by and do nothing.
It took everything I had.
Chapter Fourteen
Taylor
Being in my apartment felt oddly lonely.
It used to be my home, my shelter. But now, when I thought of home, I thought of Volt’s place. I missed his king size bed and the king who slept in it every night. I missed the smell of his aftershave in the bathroom. I missed the sound of whiskey filling a glass.
My apartment was just quiet.
Now, it was too small even though it was just for me. My boxes were scattered around everywhere, and I spent most of my time drinking wine on the couch. I stared at the window at my crappy view of the adjacent building and tried to find the answer to my problem.
Every time I picked someone, I couldn’t stick with the decision. I flipped back to the other person, making my justifications for that choice. But it kept shifting back and forth, never remaining permanent.
I thought I could live without Sara. When I was happy with Volt, the person I spent most of my time with anyway, did I really need her in my life anymore? Would I be able to go on without having a best girlfriend to talk to? But then I pictured my wedding and how strange it would feel without her standing beside me. I pictured giving birth to my kids and how strange it would be not having her in the room with me. Could I really live that kind of future?
But then I pictured my life without Volt. Sara would be there for me through anything, and she would be my maid of honor at my wedding. But whom would I be marrying? Would I be in love with him? Or would I just settle because I could never get over Volt? When I pictured my kids, they had his eyes and his good heart. How would that ever happen if I didn’t end up with him?
There was no right answer.
No matter what I picked, I lost.
I would regret either decision I made.
Sara texted me just as I finished my bottle of wine. Haven’t heard from you in a while. Are you okay?
I didn’t text her back. I just stared at the message.
I know you’re reading this. I’m going to call you in five minutes so be prepared.
How did she know stuff like that?
Right on cue, she called. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I didn’t know what to say to her. I hadn’t made a decision yet so there was nothing to talk about.
“You sound down.”
“Well, I’m pretty depressed. Makes sense.” I shoved the glass into my face and took a long drink.
“Did you break up with Volt?”
I wanted to lie just to make her happy but I couldn’t. “No…”
“When are you going to break up with him?”
“I never said I was.”
“It didn’t seem like it at the restaurant. We both agreed there was no other way.”
I didn’t want to lose him. He was the perfect guy. “Sara, can you please just make an effort to make this work? If we’d just started dating, I would stop seeing him. But I’m already in love with him. Not boring love. Like, I want him to give me a big fat ring kind of love.”
“Don’t make me the bad guy, Tay. I was in love with him too. I wanted to marry him too. You know how bummed I was when he left me. There’s no way you forgot about it that quickly.”
“I haven’t…”
“I didn’t just have a meaningless fling with this guy. I loved him. He loved me. You expect me to just get over that? To give you my blessing? No woman would be able to do that.”
“And no woman can make a decision like this.”
“Look, if you want to be with him, I can understand. He’s pretty great. I wouldn’t hold it against you. But I’d definitely have to bow out.”
My heart sagged in sadness.
“I can’t see you together. I can’t stand beside you on your big day and pretend to be happy for you. I just can’t.” Her sadness seeped through the phone. “I really wish I could, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
“But I don’t think you’d be truly happy with him without me. Every girl needs her best friend. Who would you go shopping with? Who would you do stuff with? When he’s not around, who will you hang out with? Our parents won’t be able to s
pend time together anymore either. And frankly, I’d be hurt if you picked a guy over me. We’ve been friends forever, and you’ve known him for, like, a year.”
“It may be a short amount of time, but what we have is real.”
“I know,” she whispered. “But…I always thought I was on a different level. You’re willing to throw away our friendship for him?”
“I just… I don’t know.” This was so fucking hard.
“You know what decision you should make. It’s just hard to do it. I get it.”
“And what decision is that?”
She sighed into the phone. “You need to break up with him.”
***
After a week had come and gone, I finally went to his apartment. I was surprised he didn’t call me in that amount of time. Maybe he was dreading our forthcoming conversation.
Maybe he knew what decision I’d made.
I didn’t use my key to get inside. Instead, I knocked. I didn’t want to frighten him by barging inside. As far as I knew, I wouldn’t be living there anymore. The weight of reality fell on my shoulders, and I wasn’t sure if I could go through with this.
I should just leave.
Volt opened the door and allowed me inside. He didn’t greet me with a kiss or an affectionate embrace. He hardly looked at me.
The apartment was dark like it usually was. We rarely turned on the lights, and the only glow came from the TV in the background. It was on mute, but the pictures danced on the wall.
A bottle of whiskey sat on the new coffee table, along with a bowl of ice. He’d been drinking himself into silence, doing what he did best when he was depressed. He wore jeans and a t-shirt, his hard body looking nice in the clothing.
I didn’t speak a word because I wasn’t ready to.
Volt didn’t look at me. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared into his kitchen. “This isn’t happening.”
I stared at his face and waited for an explanation.
“I’m not stupid. You wouldn’t have knocked on the door like that unless you decided not to live here. And if you don’t live here, that means you live somewhere else.”
He took the words right out of my mouth, but that didn’t make it less painful. He stripped the truth from me in silence without asking a single question. I wanted to say something to make this easier, but there wasn’t a single thing I could say.
