by E. L. Todd
He stared at me incredulously. “Are you high?”
“High on life, maybe.”
“Volt, give Taylor another chance. You’re being unfair.”
“I’m being unfair?” I asked incredulously. “I told her what happened and she didn’t believe me—twice.”
“She never said that. She said she just wanted to get the whole story.”
“But she still dumped me—twice.”
“It was a complicated situation. Cut her some slack.”
“No.” I would never give her any slack. I gave that woman my heart, my body, my soul. And she didn’t give me anything. When it mattered most, she wasn’t there for me.
“Volt—”
“No.” I made my decision, and I was sticking with it. “It’s done.”
Derek stared at me with a sad expression. “I know you love her.”
“Loved her. Past tense.”
“Love doesn’t die overnight.”
“It did for me.” I downed the glass and needed another.
“I don’t believe you. Just talk to her.”
“She hasn’t tried talking to me. She’s given up.”
“Or maybe she knows you don’t want to see her.”
“Whatever. It doesn’t matter.” I waved the bartender over and ordered another round.
She happily obliged and poured the liquor. “I get off in an hour. You want to hang out?”
“Absolutely.” I had to get back on the horse, pronto.
Derek stared at me with disapproval. “I can’t watch this.”
“Watch what?”
He slid off the barstool. “Watch you throw your life away.”
***
Penny and I left the bar and headed to my place.
“Wow.” She squeezed close to my side. “You have a place by Park Avenue?”
“Yep.”
“Ooh…I can’t wait to see your apartment.”
I was getting laid. I knew it. “I think you’ll like my bedroom especially.”
“I’m sure I will.” She tucked her arm through mine.
We arrived at my building, and the second I looked at it, I suddenly felt ill. That apartment reeked of Taylor. Her spirit was ingrained in the walls, the floor, everything.
And I immediately felt like I was doing something wrong.
“What’s up?” she asked, wondering why we stopped.
I had every right to do this but something was holding me back. “I just realized I have somewhere to be. I’m sorry.” I didn’t look at her as I said it, feeling guilty for flirting with her to begin with.
“Uh…okay. Everything alright?”
No. Nothing was all right. “I’m sorry. It was nice meeting you.” I pulled out of her grasp and walked away, heading right past my building. I kept going even though I had nowhere to be.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and felt the liquor burn me from the inside out. It was easier to be drunk because it chased away the pain. But now it just amplified my feelings. I felt so alone.
I felt dead inside.
When I looked up, I realized I was at the orphanage. My feet naturally carried me there. I didn’t even realize where I was going until I arrived. I looked at the second story window and saw Clay.
He was sitting in the nook where I last saw him. He peered out the window like a bird in a cage, desperate to be free. He played with his pocket knife, trailing it across his palm slowly.
Looking at him gave me comfort. Just being close to him made me feel alive again. It gave me purpose. It gave me…something. I stood there on the abandoned sidewalk and wondered if he would notice me.
Clay put his pocketknife away and prepared to leave the windowsill. He was either going to bed or finding some other activity to do. By a stroke of luck, he looked out the window.
And saw me.
I stood with my hands in my pockets, the cold surrounding me. The frost was even worse in the evening, and I could feel my knuckles crack from the dryness. But the pain was welcomed. Because all I felt was pain.
Our eyes locked, and I stared at the face that brought me joy. I stared at the face I loved.
His eyes were stoic as he looked at me, neither happiness nor hatred there.
I felt my eyes water just from looking at him. I felt my body give into the turmoil of grief. I felt sick—deathly ill. Clay still hated me and would always hate me. He would turn around at any moment and never look at me again.
But he didn’t.
He sat back on the windowsill and looked at me. The usual hatred in his eyes disappeared and concern replaced it. He watched me for a long time, understanding I was suffering. I was dying. I was fighting just to breathe. He did something I never expected and pressed his palm against the window.
My chest automatically sucked in a deep breath, taking comfort in the gesture. Despite what I’d done, he was still there for me when I was at my lowest point. He still cared about me when it mattered.
He still loved me.
***
I filled out all the necessary paperwork and met with the director of the orphanage. After a long conversation about my income, my household atmosphere, my drug test, and every other invasive procedure you could think of, I finally got approved.
I filled out the final signatures before I passed the papers back to Mathilda, one of the sisters who looked after the kids.
“Mr. Rosenthal, there’s one last step of the procedure.”
“What is it?”
“A child can only be adopted by consent. If he doesn’t want to go with you, he doesn’t have to.”
“I understand.”
“Then go talk to him and see how he feels.”
This was the scary part. If he said no, I would die inside. All hope I had left would be gone. “Thank you.” I walked into the back room where the kids hung out. There weren’t as many today, probably because they were in their dorms or they were still at school.
Clay was in his usual spot. He looked exactly the same with the exception of his hair. It was short because he just got a haircut. I walked over to him and pulled up a chair.
He looked at me the way he did the other night when he spotted me outside. He searched my gaze and found my agony. No vicious comments left his mouth today. “Are you okay?”
“No.” That was the honest truth. I wouldn’t lie to him.
“What happened?”
“I left Taylor—for good.”
“Oh. Why?”
It was a long and boring story. “Nothing worth mentioning.”
He pulled his knees to his chest. “You seem pretty down.”
“I’m a bit lost. I’ll admit it.”
“Is there anything I can do?” He was being nice to me when I didn’t deserve it.
“No. But there’s something I want to ask you.”
“What?” He put his pocketknife away. “I haven’t started on my college applications yet. Just haven’t had the chance.”
“We’ll get to that soon. Don’t worry.”
He stared at me in silence, having no idea what I was going to say.
“Clay, I met with the director and filled out all the necessary paperwork. I’ve signed everything. I’m legally able to take you home with me—if you want to come.”
His eyes widened but his face didn’t react in any other way. He couldn’t hide his shock over what he just heard. “What…what do you mean?”
“I want to adopt you.”
“You’re serious?”
“Absolutely. You’re my family, Clay. We may not be related by blood, but that doesn’t matter. Water is thicker than blood sometimes.”
“You…you want me to live with you?”
I nodded. “If you want to come with me. You have a choice. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”
“No, I do,” he said quickly. “I just…didn’t expect you to do this.”
“I should have done it a long time ago. I think about you every day. I always worry about you. I
miss you… I love you.” Maybe I wasn’t ready to be a parent, but I was ready to be a guardian. This kid had changed my life in so many good ways. He should be home with me. He should be under my roof.
“I…I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to answer me right now. Take some time to think about it.”
“No, I want to come,” he said. “I just want…to make sure that’s what you want.”
There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. My house wasn’t a home without him. He would do better under my roof, succeed in ways he wouldn’t otherwise. And he was a part of my family anyway. “Absolutely.”
He scooted to the edge, his limbs shaking with excitement. “I totally want to live with you. Can we go now? Do we have to wait? Should I get my stuff now? Get me out of here, Volt. I hate it here.”
I chuckled. “Yes, you can come with me now. But there’s one thing we need to talk about.”
“What?” Now he was anxious, ready to leave and settle into his new place.
“I’m not your father, and I’m not trying to be. But I am your guardian. That means you need to listen to me. That means you need to obey. We can be friends, but I’m not your friend all the time. Do you understand?”
He nodded. “I get it.”
“Alright. Now go get your things.”
He jumped off the couch and sprinted across the room, drawing the attention of all the other kids. His feet pounded against the hardwood floor as he took off at full speed. “I’m getting the hell out of here!”
I laughed to myself and waited, happier than I’d been in weeks.
***
Clay took the spare bedroom and kept his space clean. Without me having to tell him, he took care of his laundry, made his bed every morning, and when he used the dishes, he washed them and placed them in the dishwasher.
I was impressed.
When he came home from school, he worked on his homework at the kitchen table, where I usually helped him as we had dinner together. Adopting him was exactly as I pictured it would be, and I wished I’d done it sooner. He was happy.
And I was happy.
At least as happy as I could be at the moment.
My parents kept blowing up my phone and asking what was going on with Taylor. I was supposed to propose a few weeks ago, and obviously, I never did. Her parents wondered what happened too. I’d deflected their questions long enough. Now there was no way to avoid them.
Clay and I went to my parents place for dinner one evening. They didn’t know he was coming. They didn’t even know I adopted him yet. Tonight would definitely be an interesting evening.
Mom immediately bombarded me with questions the second she opened the door. “Volt, what’s going with Taylor? Have you asked her? What happened?”
I was dreading this conversation, but I had to get it over with. “I’ll tell you everything when we sit down. And it’s cool that I brought Clay along?”
Mom looked at him in surprise. “Of course. Of course.”
We walked inside, and I greeted my father. He was friendly with Clay like he was at Thanksgiving. They were both fond of him. Adopting him would probably make them happy—at least I hoped.
“Clay, can you wash your hands before dinner? I need to talk to my parents in private.”
“Okay.” He didn’t give me any attitude and walked off. Now that he lived under my roof, he obeyed me just like I asked. I was surprised by how easy it was. I could only assume he was afraid I would take him back to the orphanage if he was too much trouble.
Which was ridiculous.
Mom immediately asked about Taylor again. “Volt, what the hell is going on? We’ve been so worried.”
“First of all, Taylor and I broke up.” Saying her name was still painful. I couldn’t sleep without her. I spent most of my time thinking about her, hoping she was doing okay. She didn’t take the ring with her, and now it was sitting in my nightstand. I didn’t have the strength to throw it away.
“What?” Mom shrieked. “Why?”
I told her the story about Sara. It was quite a tale, and I probably wouldn’t have believed it unless I’d seen it myself.
“Wow,” Dad said. “That’s insane.”
“I know,” I said. “We just couldn’t work things out.” I left out the part where Taylor didn’t believe me. I knew that made her look really bad. I had no reason to protect her, but I still felt obligated to. “And…I adopted Clay.”
Now Mom was even more shocked. “You did what?”
“Honey, keep your voice down.” Dad eyed the hallway, hoping Clay didn’t hear Mom’s outburst.
“I adopted him last week,” I explained. “He lives with me now. Things have been good.”
“Volt, adopting a child is a big deal,” Mom said. “It’s not something you should take lightly.”
“I know,” I said calmly. “And I never did. I really thought about it before I made this decision.”
“You should have consulted with us,” Dad said. “You have no experience being a parent.”
“Well, thanks,” I said sarcastically. “But I’m a grown man, and I can make my own decisions.”
“Volt,” Mom said fiercely. “You just did this because you’re depressed over Taylor. You’re trying to fill the hole she left behind. And that’s not fair to Clay.”
I admit I was depressed about Taylor. Every day was a struggle just to get by. But that wasn’t the reason why I brought him into my home. “I adopted him because he’s family. And he should be living with family. That orphanage is not a place for him to learn and grow. I can give him a lot more.”
“That’s very sweet of you,” Mom said. “You have a big heart. But this is a huge responsibility. I don’t think it was a good idea.”
“I love you, Mom. And I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way. But, I don’t care what you think. Everything has been said and done. He’s staying with me and that’s final. He’s officially your grandson, and I hope you start treating him that way.”
Mom and Dad looked at each other, and a silent conversation passed between them. Her eyes softened and his did a moment later. They turned back to me with warmer expressions, understanding it would be pointless to fight me on this.
“We’ll love him like our own,” Dad said.
“Of course we will,” Mom said. “He’s a very sweet boy.”
“Thank you.” That meant a lot to me. I didn’t want Clay to be treated as an outsider to this family. He was like a son to me, and I wouldn’t tolerate anyone treating him otherwise.
Clay returned to the room. We went shopping the other day, and now he had nice jeans and a long-sleeve shirt that actually fit him. When he cleaned up, he actually looked like a handsome boy.
“Volt told us the good news,” Mom said. “We’re so happy to have you in our family.” Mom hugged him tightly, giving him a fierce bear hug like she gave me. Dad hugged him next, giving him fatherly love right from the start.
“Thanks,” Clay said. “Volt is a really great guy. I know how lucky I am.”
I smiled at him then wrapped my arm around his shoulders. “We’re the lucky ones, kid.”
***
We watched TV on the couch together later that night before bed. Clay had a bowl of popcorn in his lap, and he tossed a kernel into the air, catching it in his open mouth. “Booyah.”
“I’m impressed,” I said sarcastically.
“This shit is hard.”
I glared at him.
“Sorry…no cussing.”
I turned back to the TV.
“So…what happened with Taylor?” He stopped tossing the popcorn into the air and placed piece-by-piece into his mouth. He kept his voice quiet, like that would lure me to answer.
“She and I just didn’t work.”
“Why don’t you just answer me?” he asked. “I’m almost an adult. I can handle whatever you’re going to say.”
He wouldn’t stop asking questions until I answered. And he had the right to know
. She was a part of his life at one time. “Basically, I tried telling her something, and she wouldn’t believe me. She took someone else’s word over mine. When I proved I was right, it was too late. I was so angry, I didn’t want to be with her anymore.”
“Why didn’t she believe you?”
“Her best friend was telling her side of the story. Taylor didn’t know who to believe.”
“You broke up with her over that?” he asked incredulously.
“It was worse than I made it sound.”
He kept eating the bowl of popcorn, the kernels cracking and popping in his mouth. “I liked Taylor.”
“Yeah…I did too.”
“I miss her.”
That just made me miss her more. “We’ll be okay, Clay.”
“I don’t know. I’ll never forget the way you looked at me through that window. You looked like you lost everything.”
I remembered that night. It was just like all the others—impossible to get through.
“Can I say something?”
“If I say no, you’re just going to tell me anyway.”
“I think you’re being too hard on her. It’s okay to be mad…but to break up with her is a little harsh.”
“How so?” Why was I listening to the opinion of a teenager?
“Well…I was really pissed at you for contacting social services. It was a betrayal. I trusted you not to do it, and you did it anyway. It really hurt…but I understood why you did it. In time, I knew I was being unfair. I knew you were in a difficult situation and had no other choice.”
I turned his way, touched by what he said.
“It sounds similar. You’re hurt because she betrayed you, but you understand why she did. Maybe you should cut her some slack. I mean, if you love her, there should be no reason not to be with her.”
His words sank into me heavily. They embedded in my skin and reached my heart. A kid who knew nothing about love just gave me a lesson in forgiveness.
“Just don’t wait too long. You don’t want to miss your chance.”
Chapter Eighteen
Taylor
After another god-awful day, I just wanted to go home and sit in my apartment. I wanted to be alone even though I was constantly alone. My apartment still held Volt’s presence, and sometimes, that comforted me.
