I took a deep breath and then brushed by my mom. Jesse was standing nervously near the front door when I got downstairs. His lip was swollen and he had a cut above his eyebrow. I hated knowing I was the reason he’d gotten them.
“Holly and Mandy looked everywhere for you at school,” he began anxiously before I could even get a word out.
“I wasn’t there,” I said sarcastically.
“Well, yeah, we kinda figured that out,” he said matching my tone and then we were quiet.
He looked at me and his face was covered in concern. I knew I shouldn’t be snapping at him, especially after what he’d done for me, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want him giving me any reason to stay here. I couldn’t let him change my mind.
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, looking around the room to make sure we were alone. He stepped closer to me and gently touched my arm as he stared at me with his gray eyes.
I tried to put on a brave face and nod, but I knew he’d read right through me. Instead, I just shook my head silently. He took my hand and led me outside where we could talk privately. We each took a seat in one of the rocking chairs that my grandparents used to sit in.
“So how bad was it? The fight. I couldn’t watch,” I said, looking over to him, not knowing what else to say.
“I didn’t come here to talk about that,” he said seriously.
“How much trouble did you get in?”
“Two weeks’ suspension.”
“And Alex?”
“Nothing. There were too many witnesses that said I jumped him and he was just defending himself.”
“Figures,” I mumbled under my breath. “I’m sorry you got suspended.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m not. I’d do it again if I had to.”
I looked over at him and I knew he was serious. My mom was right. I would miss Jesse. I didn’t want to give up a friendship like his, but there was no choice. I had to go. I’d be fine and I wouldn’t miss Jesse that much. I’d only known him a couple of months after all. My real friends were back in Boston. The people I’d met here were just passing acquaintances. They wouldn’t mean anything in the long run.
The silence had settled heavily between us. I knew Jesse wanted me to say something, but I couldn’t. The stillness was filled with the slow creak of the rocking chairs on the wooden porch. Jesse had leaned back and was swaying back and forth. I watched as he looked up at the roof like he was deep in thought. He sighed and then looked over to me again.
“Are you gonna be okay?” he asked simply a moment later.
“Yeah,” I said quietly, looking away from him. “I’ll be fine.” I was lying, but what could I say? I couldn’t tell him how I was really feeling because then he’d just want to keep talking about it and I couldn’t talk about it anymore. I wanted to just forget about it. I needed to forget about Alex and what he’d done to me. I closed my eyes for a second and told myself to hang in there. At this time tomorrow I’d be on my way back to Boston and I’d never again have to return to this nightmare.
“Everyone’s really worried about you,” he said, breaking through my thoughts.
“Tell them not to worry, but just so you guys know, I won’t be in school for a couple of days.” I wasn’t going to tell him I was leaving. I couldn’t tell him that because he’d just try and stop me and I couldn’t let him do that. “My mom said I could just hang out here for a bit, ya know, to get myself together and stuff. I just didn’t want anyone to worry.”
“Sure, that makes sense,” he said softly and I knew he understood why I wouldn’t be at school. It’s not like he would be there anyway, so what did it matter? And, even if I was staying in Carver, I knew I didn’t want to be there without Jesse, especially after what he’d done for me. “But, will you call me if you need anything?” he continued.
“Yeah, of course,” I said, not bothering to tell him that, too, was a lie. I wouldn’t be calling him because in twenty-four hours I’d be gone and he wouldn’t be able to help me.
It grew quiet once more, but then he looked over at me again.
“Do you want me to stay and hang out?” he asked cautiously.
“I kinda want to be alone. I hope you don’t mind,” I said as my eyes began filling with tears, but not because of what Alex had done to me, but because I was lying to Jesse. I wanted him to stay and I wanted to say good-bye to him and thank him for everything he’d done for me, but I couldn’t and I hated it.
“No, I don’t mind. It’s fine,” he said, smiling at me and I wiped my eyes and smiled back. Again, it was quiet. “I’ll get going then,” he said hesitantly a moment later.
I nodded and smiled. The lump in my throat was too big to say anything. He stood up and walked down the porch stairs until he was on the lawn. Then he stopped and looked up at me.
“Let me know if you need anything,” he said again and I nodded as he turned to walk towards his old Wagoneer.
My eyes were burning now and my heart ached as I watched him walk away, knowing I’d never see him again, especially after everything he’d done for me. As I watched him opening the door to the old Jeep, I tried telling myself I wouldn’t miss him, that I didn’t need him, that I didn’t need to say good-bye, but when he was just about to sit down in the driver’s seat, I jumped up from the rocking chair and hurried down the stairs.
“Jesse!” I called out to him.
He looked up at me and stepped out of the Jeep. I walked over to him until we were only a couple of feet apart.
“Thank you for being so nice to me and teaching me how to shoot and paint and ride a four-wheeler and putting up with my brattiness and everything else. And thank you for what you did today. You’ll never know what that meant to me,” I said as I wrapped my arms around him. His arms slowly raised and wrapped around me too.
“You don’t need to thank me.”
I knew I didn’t need to thank him because that was the kind of person he was, but I had to say it. He had to know how much he’d helped me and he had to know before it was too late. He had to know what he meant to me so when he found out I was gone and not coming back, he might not hate me as much.
I held onto Jesse, not wanting to let go. But, I eventually pulled back and Jesse’s arms fell gently to his sides again.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said with a comforting smile and then kissed me on the forehead. I nodded through the lump in my throat as he climbed into the Jeep. The old steel door shut with a bang and then the engine roared to life. He waved to me again and then pulled out of the dirt driveway, leaving a trail of dust behind.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
It had been awkward during the drive to Wichita and the awkwardness continued when I said my good-byes to my mom and grandma at the airport. We hadn’t really said much actually. They both knew why I was leaving, but even though we all understood why I was leaving, it didn’t help prepare me for the sadness I felt as I hugged them both. Things hadn’t been well between my mom and me in months, but they had started to turn around…until this thing with Alex happened. Now I was leaving and I didn’t know where our relationship stood. I knew I loved her and I was grateful she’d been so understanding of my need to leave Kansas, but it still didn’t settle all the tension that had been building since we’d left Boston. Plus, I felt like I was just getting to know my grandma and now I was leaving and all because of my stupidity over believing everything Alex had said to me.
But as the plane descended through the thick cloud coverage, I felt a wave of relief washing over me. I could almost feel my troubles lifting off of me. Now, if only the clouds would lift and give me my first glimpse of the ground I was so anxious to see. I knew once the plane broke through the haze, I’d be greeted with images of the familiar skyline and the trees New England was famous for. I’d hoped there’d be a sea of red, orange, and yellow leaves. It was late October though, so I knew many of the leaves had already fallen. No matter the state of the trees, I was just anxious t
o be back.
The clouds finally broke, but not until we were practically on the ground. The plane touched down with a jolt and a few minutes later it was parked at the gate. The moment the seatbelt sign was turned off, I grabbed my bag and stepped into the aisle. I followed the crowd, stepped off the jet way, and made my way to baggage claim where my eyes immediately focused on my dad and Robin, who were sitting down waiting for me. Robin wasn’t hard to miss with her flaming red hair. Well, maybe it wasn’t flaming, it was actually a nice auburn color, but I had always associated it with the same red hair and seductive personality as Jessica Rabbit.
They both stood up when they saw me. Robin smiled nervously and I managed a smile in return.
“It’s good to see you,” my dad said a moment later and then he wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him back and held onto him longer than I expected. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed him.
“Hi Riley,” Robin said cautiously a moment later.
“Hey,” I said and we both leaned in awkwardly for a hug.
“How were your flights?” Robin asked.
“Not bad. It was a little bumpy leaving Atlanta,” I said, referring to my connecting flight.
“We’re excited to have you back,” she said with another smile, a more relaxed smile.
“Yeah, me too,” I said and then I felt my dad put his arm around me.
The baggage claim area was crowded like it always was at Logan Airport. Everyone seemed to be pushing and shoving to get to the conveyer belt. At least it seemed that way to me. The whole hustle and bustle here was so different than everything I’d grown accustomed to back in Kansas. My dad and I managed to weasel our way to the front though and after a few minutes, I found my two bags. My dad pulled them off and we made our way back through the crowd and to the parking garage.
Logan was enormous compared to the Wichita airport and we walked for nearly ten minutes before we found my dad’s silver Audi. We threw my bags in the trunk and I climbed into the backseat. My dad pulled out of the garage and a few minutes later we were on the busy highway heading to his condo.
It was nearly six o’clock and the sun had almost set. I couldn’t see the trees I’d been hoping for, but I did see the skyline and it looked magical and I smiled knowing I was finally home.
****
I’d always stayed in the guest room in my dad’s condo on the rare occasions I actually spent the night at his place and that’s where he was putting me now.
“I hope this is okay,” he said, setting my suitcases down.
“It’s fine, Dad,” I said, trying to sound cheerful as I looked around the dull room. The tan walls were so different than the ultramarine walls back in Carver.
“You can decorate it however you want to.”
“Thanks, but this is fine,” I said, flinging my backpack onto the bed. “Thanks for letting me stay.”
“Of course. You know this is your home too. I’m glad to have you here and so is Robin.”
I knew he meant it, but I had never felt that way. It had always just been the place I had to come to to visit my dad. It was my home now though, so I had to do my best to get used to it.
“Are you hungry? We were thinking about ordering some Chinese food.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
He nodded and stood with his hands in his pockets rocking back and forth from his toe to his heel. I’d always been close to my dad, but things had been different since the divorce. They’d been weird with both my parents since they’d split. It was like now he thought about everything before he said anything to me. He was acting even more cautious now though. He seemed afraid to upset me, or was he just acting that way because he knew what I’d done with Alex?
“Um, dad?”
“Yeah, Ry?”
“Um, what did Mom tell you…about, about why I wanted to come home? I mean, did she tell you why?” I asked hesitantly and he seemed uncomfortable.
“Yes, she did,” he answered softly.
“Are you mad at me?” I asked, finally looking up into the same dark eyes as mine.
“No, honey,” he said softly. “I’m not mad at you.”
He stepped over to me and wrapped me in his arms and I buried my head in his chest as the tears fell silently onto his shirt.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I laid in bed the next morning, discovering designs in the ceiling plaster and deciding when and if I would ever get up. I reached over and looked at my phone. It was filled with text messages and missed calls from my friends back in Carver, especially Mandy, who seemed particularly worried about me. There were a few from Jesse too asking me how I was doing, but I ignored them. I wasn’t ready to talk to them yet. They were part of everything I needed to forget.
Natasha and Courtney had texted too, but theirs were just the usual messages seeing how everything was going. I hadn’t told them I was coming back to Boston. I hadn’t told them anything that had happened. For all they knew, I was still with Alex, living happily in Kansas, when nothing could be farther than the truth.
Another text from Natasha came through as I was holding the phone. She was asking me what I had planned today.
I was thinking about grabbing a slice from Mario’s I texted back, referring to one of my favorite pizza places in Boston.
What? She replied back a second later, obviously confused.
I’ve missed it. I told her.
She didn’t text back, but a second later, the phone was ringing.
“Hey,” I said nonchalantly.
“Riley!” Her voice sounded excited. “Where are you?”
“I’m in Boston.”
“Boston! Why didn’t you tell me?” she demanded.
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“What are you doing here?” she exclaimed.
“I decided to come back.”
“Why?”
“Uh…I dunno. Things just weren’t working out,” I said, not wanting to tell her what had really happened.
“I don’t get it. I thought you were actually liking it there. I don’t know how you were liking it, but you seemed happy.”
“Things change.”
“What about Alex? Was he okay with you leaving?”
I was quiet for a moment as I pondered how I would respond to her question.
“We’re not together anymore,” I said simply.
“What? When did this happen? You just went to Homecoming last weekend.” Again, the confusion was evident in her voice. I wanted to tell her. She’d been one of my closest friends since sixth grade, but I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone what had really happened.
“It was a couple of days ago. We just grew apart,” I lied, not bothering to add there was never anything to grow apart from. He’d just been using me.
“That sucks. I’m sorry,” Natasha said somberly before her voice returned to her usual chipperness, vaguely reminding me of Mandy. “So…you’re back for good then or just visiting?”
“I’m back for good. I’m staying at my dad’s.”
“This is fabulous!” she said excitedly. “Will you be at school tomorrow then?”
“I’m not sure yet. Probably Wednesday or Thursday, but don’t worry, I’ll be back soon enough.”
“This is great. Wait till Courtney finds out. You wanna hang out today? I’m dying to see you. I’m sure Courtney will wanna come too.”
“Actually, I’m kinda tired from the trip yesterday.”
“C’mon, Riley! Don’t be like this. We haven’t seen you in forever! We’re coming over later. I’ll text you when we’re on our way.”
“Fine,” I relented. “But give me at least a few hours to wake up and stuff though.”
“Alright, but we’ll see you soon!”
The phone went silent and I stared at it, wondering why I wasn’t more excited to see my best friends. I should be itching to get my life back to normal, but something was holding me back. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about C
arver and Alex and Jesse and all my friends back there.
With a sigh, I threw the covers off and walked to the window, which looked out onto the street. It was just as I remembered, complete with a typical New England morning. The sky was hazy and gray and it seemed much earlier than nine-thirty, like the world was just waking up. I opened the window and was greeted with cool, crisp air and it smelled like fall. Most of the trees that lined the street were bare, but a few were still clinging to the vivid fiery leaves I’d been hoping to see. I was glad a few of them had waited for me.
I closed the window and decided I should go downstairs. Robin was probably waiting to make me some big breakfast. She was always trying to do things to get on my good side. I was never rude to her, just indifferent, which is why she kept trying. And sure enough, the moment I stepped into the kitchen, she practically jumped up.
“Good morning, Riley,” she said. “I was going to make some French toast. Do you want some?”
“Yes, thanks,” I replied, pulling out a chair and sitting down at the table.
My dad, who was also sitting down, looked over at me and smiled. He reached over and put his hand on mine.
“How’re you feeling this morning, Ry?” he asked in his deep voice, which was laced with a thick Boston accent.
“I’m good.”
“Did you sleep okay?” Robin called as she mixed the ingredients for the French toast.
“Yeah, I slept fine,” I told her.
“The bed wasn’t too hard?”
“No, it was fine,” I replied, hoping she’d accept that I genuinely had slept okay and just make breakfast.
“Well, that’s good. I keep telling your father we need to get a new mattress in there, but you know how he is,” she continued. “I was going to head to the mall this afternoon. I was thinking you might want to come. It’s been getting colder and I thought you might like some new sweaters or a jacket. What do you say?”
“Thanks, Robin, but I think I’m going to just stay home today. Natasha and Courtney are coming over later.”
“Oh, okay,” she stumbled and I knew she was disappointed and probably felt like a failure once again. I felt badly for her. She was trying to be nice; I just wasn’t in the mood to pretend.
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