by Collins, Tim
Praise for Diary of a Wimpy Vampire:
Because the Undead Have Feelings Too
‘Fantastically witty and hugely entertaining, this fun and accessible diary will appeal to any fan of Twilight or Adrian Mole, teenage or otherwise …’
Goodreads.com
‘Twilight meets Diary of a Wimpy Kid in this inventive parody of both.’
guardianbookshop.co.uk
‘This hilarious book will have you laughing your head off as you learn of the misfortune of Nigel Mullet.’
Fresh Direction
‘Teens who are fans of the Twilight saga will love this laugh-out-loud parody.’
Woman’s Way
‘A funny light-hearted read which touches on first love.’
Books 4 Teens
‘Laugh-out-loud funny … destined to become a cult classic.’
Advice from a Caterpillar
Diary of a Wimpy Vampire is the winner of Manchester Fiction City.
Tim Collins is originally from Manchester, and now lives in London. He is the author of eleven books including Diary of a Wimpy Vampire: Because the Undead Have Feelings Too, which was nominated for the Redbridge Book Award, the Worcestershire Teen Book Award and the Northern Ireland Book Award, and selected for Manchester Fiction City.
Find out more about Tim at his website:
www.timcollinsbooks.com
Also by Tim Collins
THE LITTLE BOOK OF TWITTER
THE NORTHERN MONKEY SURVIVAL GUIDE
THE BALDIES’ SURVIVAL GUIDE
THE GINGER SURVIVAL GUIDE
First published in Great Britain in 2011 by
Michael O’Mara Books Limited
9 Lion Yard
Tremadoc Road
London SW4 7NQ
This electronic edition published 2011
ISBN 978-1-84317-648-0 in EPub format
ISBN 978-1-84317-649-7 in Mobipocket format
Copyright © Michael O’Mara Books Limited 2011
You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Designed and typeset by Envy Design
Illustrations (cover and inside) by Andrew Pinder
Cover design by www.blokgraphic.com
Cover images: www.shutterstock.com
www.mombooks.com
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Thanks to Collette Collins, Lindsay Davies, Andrew Pinder, Toby Buchan, Kate Moore, Sarah Sandland, Ana McLaughlin, Jennifer Christie, Jane Graham Maw, Kiera Williamson, Jamil Bhatti and Dan Coxon.
Thanks also to everyone at the Vampire Council for responding to my telegraphs so promptly.
WEDNESDAY 31ST AUGUST
School starts again tomorrow. It will be the first time I’ve seen my true love Chloe in two weeks, as she’s been on holiday with her parents in Greece. She invited me to go with them, but I was worried the sun would hurt my skin. Plus, I didn’t want all those mosquitoes sucking my blood. Which is rather hypocritical, I know.
THURSDAY 1ST SEPTEMBER
Today I was reunited with Chloe, though I was disappointed to see she had a tan. It’s not a look that does much for me, even if it’s a genuine tan caused by sunshine rather than wood varnish or whatever our Home Economics teacher Mrs Molloy uses. Still, a few days moping around with me should soon return Chloe’s lovely long neck to its usual pale colour.
Other than Chloe’s tan, the only surprise today was a new pupil called Jason. He has a massive spud-like head and his eyebrows meet in the middle, so I expect he’ll be the new school bully. I’ll probably have to protect all these humans from him with my vampire strength. Not that I’ll get a word of thanks, but such is my responsibility as a superior being. It is my gift and my curse.
FRIDAY 2ND SEPTEMBER
Today the headmaster gave us a serious talk about how we’re starting Year Eleven now, and we’ll soon take the exams that will determine what we do for the rest of our lives.
Mine won’t. Whether I get 100% or cover my paper with offensive cartoons of the invigilator, my fate will be the same. I’ll have to move to another school in another town and start again in Year Ten next September so nobody notices that I never get any older. And sometime before then I’ll have to decide whether to transform Chloe into a vampire or leave her behind for ever. It’s quite stressful, really. I don’t want to think about it right now.
Chloe has clearly been thinking about it, because she mentioned transformation several times this summer. I changed the subject whenever she did, of course. She’s only known that vampires are real for a few months, so she can’t possibly know if she’s ready to turn yet. Plus, I’ll have to get Mum and Dad’s permission, and that’s going to cause a bigger headache than sniffing a large portion of garlic bread with an extra topping of garlic.
SATURDAY 3RD SEPTEMBER
I went out to Stockfield Moor with Chloe today. I feel like we have a close bond since that day last month when she let me drink her blood.
That’s right, I just thought I’d throw it in casually there. I’m finally a proper, grown-up vampire now that I’ve drunk some actual human blood using my own fangs. I don’t think it would be gentlemanly of me to describe it in detail, even in a secret diary, but let’s just say that the experience was everything I’d hoped it would be.
I expect we’ll do it again soon, but we’ll have to wait for Chloe’s parents to go away again so they don’t barge in halfway through and I have to pretend she fell over and pierced her neck on two drawing pins and I was removing them with my teeth.
We had an enjoyable walk on Stockfield Moor and when no one was around I showed Chloe my vampire strength by uprooting a tree, but she said it was bad for the environment so I had to put it back in the ground again.
She said that we should care for the planet if we’re both going to be around to see it. I could see she was trying to steer the conversation around to transformation again, but I didn’t take the bait. I’d rather just enjoy our time together and forget about long-term commitments.
On the way home, I picked up a Coke can and put it in a recycling bin to offset the damage I’d done by uprooting the tree.
SUNDAY 4TH SEPTEMBER
I went downstairs to get a flask of blood this morning,* and I heard my sister having a massive tantrum because Mum and Dad won’t let her go to Pizza Hut for her friend’s birthday party. She wanted to go along and drink blood from her Hannah Montana flask, but they wouldn’t let her.
You know what I think? Let her learn the hard way. Let her go ahead and spoil the party by guzzling blood in a horrifying fashion while all her friends are tucking into their stuffed crusts. Then we’ll see how many more parties she gets invited to.
* Yes, I still rely on Mum and Dad to drain blood from humans and leave it in the fridge for me. So what? While it’s true that I could attack humans myself now I’ve got my vampire strength and speed, Mum and Dad are more experienced at getting away with it, so I’m happy to let them carry on. Plus, I’m a pacifist, so it wouldn’t be fair to make me carry out violent acts on strangers.
MONDAY 5TH SEPTEMBER
I’m pleased to report that my popularity hasn’t worn off over the summer holidays. For the first time in my century on this planet, I’m cool in more than just the
sense of body temperature.
Jacqui passed me this note in our English lesson this morning:
While Jacqui’s rhetoric failed to move me, I was pleased she’d attempted a love letter and I made a point of showing it to Chloe, to remind her she’s going out with a heartthrob. I wasn’t being arrogant; I just don’t want her to take me for granted.
I’ve just had a rather uncomfortable thought. If I choose to transform Chloe, she’ll also develop vampire beauty,* which will mean every boy in school will fancy her. I’m not sure how I’d feel about that. On the one hand, I’d be proud to have a girlfriend everyone thinks is attractive, but on the other hand I might get jealous when boys flirt with her. If one of them handed her a romantic note, I might attack and kill him in a jealous rage before I knew what I was doing.
All in all, I think I’d rather Chloe didn’t develop supernatural allure and have boys fawning over her all the time. I know this might seem old-fashioned, but I am over 100 years old, so I think I can be permitted one or two outdated views.
Anyway, I’m pretty progressive as vampires go. You should hear Dad after he’s had a few pints of blood. He once told me that things were better in the days when male vampires were allowed up to seven brides! I’d like to hear him say that when Mum’s around.
* Vampires have evolved to appear beautiful to humans so they can attract them and harvest their blood in much the same way that cats have evolved to appear cute to humans so they don’t have to bother catching their own food. They fall for it every time, those humans.
TUESDAY 6TH SEPTEMBER
The new pupil, Jason, sat next to me in English this morning. I tried to make conversation, but I couldn’t find any common ground. When I asked him what his hobbies were, he said Manchester United and monster trucks. I tried to talk to him about Pride and Prejudice, which we are supposed to have read for English, but he said it was boring. He obviously isn’t sensitive and romantic like me.
I didn’t want to ostracize him, but I really couldn’t be bothered trying any more, so I turned away and chatted to Craig and Sanjay instead.
After the lesson I heard that Jacqui is now using a picture of me as the screensaver on her phone. I told Chloe and I could tell she was getting jealous. I suppose it was vain of me to mention it, but you can hardly blame me. Until I developed supernatural attractiveness earlier this year, I was the world’s only minging vampire. So you might have to forgive me for wallowing in the attention a little.
WEDNESDAY 7TH SEPTEMBER
I don’t have many positive things to say about Jason, but I have to admit he’s good at football. He was on the other team today, and he showed some fairly impressive skills.
I’m under strict instructions from my parents not to use my supernatural speed and strength in PE lessons,* so I deliberately missed a couple of chances early on in the game. But when I saw how easily Jason was slotting goals away, I couldn’t resist stepping things up a little.
I’m getting better at controlling my powers now. I can dash down the playing field without turning into an unsettling blur of motion and I can kick a ball into a net without ripping it apart. I increased my speed as subtly as I could, and soon drew my team level. Then, just as I was about to score the winner, Jason tripped me up and I tumbled awkwardly to the floor. That would have really hurt if I could feel pain!
Luckily, the PE teacher saw it. I was awarded a free kick, and I was delighted to see Jason step up and form part of the wall. Choosing revenge over glory, I kicked the ball right at his potato head. For a moment I wondered if I’d blasted the ball too hard, and his head would be knocked right off his shoulders and into the top corner of the net. But the weird thing was, he absorbed the blow without flinching, and a couple of minutes later he even managed to score the winner for his own team. I think Jason might be what’s known as a genuine hard case.
* Dad thinks everyone would chop our heads off or whack stakes through our hearts if they found out we were vampires. I’m not so sure. I think it’s more likely that we’d be given a reality TV series and an invitation to a fan convention. But it doesn’t really matter what I think. His coven, his rules, as he reminds me so often.
THURSDAY 8TH SEPTEMBER
Word of Jason’s victory must have spread because today I saw him sitting with the tough gang in smokers’ corner, which is the bit of the playground furthest away from the staffroom window.
He should be careful hanging around with that lot. They’ll pressure him to do a dare like climbing on the science block roof or throwing a firecracker down a toilet.
After school, I went to the park with Chloe to show her the backflips I’ve been practising. She said I should work them into a dance routine for the school talent night, which they’ve optimistically chosen to call ‘Stockfield Comprehensive’s Got Talent’. I’m tempted, but I expect Dad would count this as an explicit display of my powers.
Chloe then grilled me about what it was like to unleash vampire strength, so I did my best to make it sound boring even though it’s the best thing in the world ever. She gets a really dreamy look when she talks about that stuff now. I can tell she’s fixating on what it’s like to be a vampire. She’s even started reading all those paranormal romance books that feature male models wearing false fangs on the covers. As if those preening himbos could catch some prey. They’d be far too worried about breaking a nail.
I hope Chloe shuts up about transformation soon. If she doesn’t, it’s going to become a real issue between us.
FRIDAY 9TH SEPTEMBER
1PM
Jay and Baz from the tough gang were trying out a new ‘joke’ today. It involved telling everyone that new scientific research has proved that if your hand is bigger than your face, it means you’ve got cancer. I wonder which respected source they discovered this in? New Scientist? Scientific American? The Journal of the Royal Society?
The victim inevitably holds their palm in front of their face to check if they’ve got cancer, and Jay slams it right into their nose. They can’t even tell a teacher, because technically they hit themselves.
Obviously it didn’t work on me, and Jay only hurt his own hand when he tried to shove mine, but there were plenty of pupils walking around with lovely fresh blood gushing from their noses, and I got so thirsty I had to drink my lunchtime flask of type O-early.
3PM
Chloe told Mr Morris about Jay and Baz’s practical joke this morning and apparently they’re angry with her for grassing them. What was she supposed to do? It’s part of her duty as a prefect to report antisocial behaviour.
I told her she’s got nothing to fear from the tough gang now I’ve got my vampire strength. If any of them has a problem with her they can come and see me about it. And I shall unleash hell. Or at the very least, give them a Chinese burn.
6PM
I got told off for laughing at a Shakespeare comedy in English this afternoon. Mr Byrne was reading a scene from A Midsummer Night’s Dream and it reminded me of an amusing film version starring Mickey Rooney that I saw in the thirties.
Mr Byrne asked me what I thought was so funny and if I’d like to share it with the rest of the class. I said the play was making me laugh, but he thought I was being sarcastic and made me stand outside the classroom. I admit that being 100 years old means I’ve got slightly more traditional tastes than most pupils, but it’s still a bit rich to tell me off for laughing at a comedy.
SATURDAY 10TH SEPTEMBER
12PM
Our bell rang early this morning and when I opened the door there was an old man who wanted to speak to Dad. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, and spent a while trying to work out if he was a vampire slayer or local politician, as I’m under strict instructions not to let either in.
Eventually I gave up and fetched Dad and, after a few murmured exchanges, he asked the old man to join him in his study. The old man wouldn’t enter until Dad had recited some weird formal words inviting him in. I wonder what’s going on.
8PM
Dad and the old duffer are still in the study. I hope he isn’t a conman trying to trick Dad out of his money. I once caught him emailing his bank account details to someone claiming to be a Nigerian prince. To be fair, he did owe money to a genuine Nigerian prince he knew in the eighteenth century, so it was an easy mistake to make.
SUNDAY 11TH SEPTEMBER
I’m not happy about this. Not one bit.
Early this morning, Dad came into my room and explained that the old man is also a vampire. Apparently, his name is Cecil and he’s managed to trace us through some Scottish vampires Dad knows.
Dad said that Cecil became a vampire in the late nineteenth century, and after a great deal of discussion, Dad had accepted that he was the one who’d transformed him.
Dad said he wanted to behave more responsibly to vampires he’d turned,* and so he’d agreed to let the old man join our coven. Before I could object, he told me to bring the old man’s cases inside while he explained it all to my sister. To keep things simple, they haven’t told her that other vampires exist yet, so she’ll have a lot to take in. It’s fine, she only cares about herself, so it won’t be a big deal. As Dad was leaving, he casually added that I should refer to Cecil as ‘Grandpa’.
