by Collins, Tim
Then Claire swooned, but Nathan was used to it and didn’t think it was that much of a big deal.
Nathan swooped down and they snogged for ages and then he got up to leave.
‘Don’t go,’ pleaded Claire. ‘I want you to drink my blood.’
‘Not on the first date,’ countered Nathan.
Although she was massively hot, he didn’t even care about her that much because loads of other fit girls fancied him anyway.
SUNDAY 23RD OCTOBER
6PM
This afternoon I had to go to a garden centre with Grandpa to help him get some fresh soil for his coffin. I wanted to go to the one near the industrial estate, but this would have meant crossing a river, so we had to walk all the way into town instead.* And guess who had to carry all the soil on the way back?
At one point a group of young boys asked us if we could kick their football back to them, and Grandpa whacked it with such force that it knocked one of them to the ground.
I shot him a suspicious glance to let him know that his display of strength hadn’t escaped my attention, so he pretended to be tired for the rest of the way home. I might well have asked why a vampire with faulty powers was carrying three heavy bags of soil for a vampire with perfectly functioning ones, but I didn’t think it was worth it.
* Another of Grandpa’s doddery old beliefs is that vampires can’t cross running water. Yes, they can - he must have done it thousands of times. I bet he crosses plenty of rivers and streams without even noticing on long car journeys. Plus, he claims Dad transformed him in nineteenth-century Paris, so he must have crossed an entire sea at some point.
11PM
I made good progress on my novel this evening:
DARK EMBRACE OF THE NIGHT
Chapter 2
Claire found she had walked into the middle of a forest at night, though she had no idea how. Until, that was, she saw Nathan standing there and looking really cool in his Nike Air Max Previews, which are the most expensive trainers you can buy in JJB Sports.
‘I called you here,’ Nathan proclaimed sternly. He had the power of sending psychic messages to foxy chicks from miles away. It was just one of his special vampire powers, which included mind-reading, flying and firing lightning out of his eyes.
Claire drifted towards him as if he was a massive magnet and she was made from metal, but not a non-ferrous metal like aluminium and copper because magnets don’t attract these, which we did in Science. She knew he was forbidden, outlawed, contraband, out-of-bounds and off-limits, yet she couldn’t tear herself away.
‘Heal my aching solitude,’ he growled sensitively.
Claire was just about to snog Nathan, but then her boyfriend Jackson arrived, because he’d been following her, because he wanted to know who she was meeting so late at night.
I decided to leave Chapter 2 on this cliffhanger, partly to keep the reader wanting more, and partly because X Factor was starting. I made up the bit about vampires being able to fly and shoot flames from their eyes, because I didn’t want to give too much away about my species. Plus, wild exaggerations about our lot didn’t exactly hinder Bram Stoker, did they?
MONDAY 24TH OCTOBER
I had another good writing session today. I think focusing on the majestic realm of vampires is helping to remind me how trifling and insignificant the human world is.
DARK EMBRACE OF THE NIGHT
Chapter 3
So Claire’s boyfriend Jackson turned up in the moonlit forest just as she was about to snog Nathan.
Jackson looked at the scene with confusion and anger. Although he was too stupid to understand exactly what was going on, he knew something was wrong.
‘Get away from my girlfriend,’ he grunted.
‘Why don’t you come and make me?’ retorted Nathan.
Jackson charged at Nathan and attacked him with all his brute strength. But get this – as well as being a sexy vampire, Nathan was also a ninja and he totally beat him up.
‘Thanks for totally beating him up,’ said Claire. ‘I’ve been wanting to dump that creep for ages and seeing him humiliated like this is the perfect excuse.’
‘All in a day’s work,’ said Nigel Nathan and then he went off to help the government with some secret stuff because he was also a spy.
I decided to end the chapter there because I couldn’t think of anything else to put. But overall I’m very pleased with the way it’s going.
TUESDAY 25TH OCTOBER
I saw Jason and his family in town today, so I decided to watch them from a distance. It’s not that I’m obsessed with Jason, I just think my vampire stalking instincts kicked in. Also, they look like criminal types, so I thought I might observe them breaking the law and grass them to the police.
I followed Jason and family down to the supermarket. They emerged ten minutes later with four large bags that I initially took to be charcoal, but which turned out on closer inspection to be dog biscuits. I couldn’t recall Jason saying anything about owning a dog, which seemed odd. He has a severely limited number of interests, so you think he’d have mentioned it at some point.
If the family is keeping dogs in their cramped council house, they’re almost certainly mistreating them. I’ve decided to carry out further observation, and I won’t hesitate to report them to the authorities if I uncover evidence of animal cruelty. Not that the animal kingdom deserves my help, of course. But if it helps to get Jason behind bars it will be worthwhile.
LOG OF ACTIVITY OF JASON BROWN AND FAMILY FOR WEDNESDAY 26TH OCTOBER:
7:30AM
Jason’s dad leaves the house, returns five minutes later with a National Lottery scratchcard and a copy of the Star newspaper. A ginger cat arches its back and hisses as he passes.
11:00AM
Jason’s dad leaves the house to visit the barber’s shop. He emerges with very short hair. He buys a pack of razors and several cans of shaving foam from the chemists on the way home.
1:00PM
Chloe calls round for Jason and they leave together, possibly for a romantic walk in the park. I reflect on the irrationality of the human race but resolve not to let it affect my observation of these idiots.
3:00PM
Jason’s mother and sister leave in the car.
3:30PM
Jason’s mother and sister return with four large bags of frozen meat, possibly from a wholesaler.
6:00PM
I’m too thirsty to continue my observation today so I’m abandoning my post for the night. I’ll make sure to bring a flask of blood tomorrow.
LOG OF ACTIVITY OF JASON BROWN AND FAMILY FOR THURSDAY 27TH OCTOBER:
7AM
Surveillance resumed.
7:30AM
Jason’s dad emerges from his house to buy a newspaper and scratchcard and is again hissed at by the ginger cat. His hair seems to have regrown significantly since yesterday.
11:00AM
Jason’s dad leaves the house again. Although it is raining heavily, he neglects to wear waterproof clothing.
11:30AM
Jason’s dad visits the pet shop and emerges with two full shopping bags. Discarded receipt shows his purchases include flea powder and a rubber ball with a bell inside. Further evidence that the Brown family is keeping dogs, but where are they? And why are they hidden?
Could Brown family be involved in illegal dog-fighting contests?
Could Brown family be importing banned dogs such as the Japanese Tosa?
Could Brown family be breeding dogs to sell to local takeaways?*
* Craig once told me that the Indian takeaway saves money by abducting stray dogs and cooking them in their curries, but having once tried to catch a Labrador in order to drink its blood, I can confirm that it would be much easier to buy meat from a shop, so I find this unlikely.
9:00PM
Jason and family leave the house carrying plastic bags. Seems late for a family outing. Why the bags?
9:30PM
Chloe calls round at the empty h
ouse. She rings the buzzer several times before shouting through the letterbox.
9:35PM
Chloe walks away from the house looking disappointed.
11:30PM
Jason and family still haven’t returned. I suspect he’s involved in underage drinking.
1:30AM
They’re still out. The possibilities are becoming increasingly unsavoury. Nightclubbing? Carjacking? Cow tipping?
2:30AM
Still no sign of Jason and family. Post abandoned due to remote possibility that my parents are worried about me.
LOG OF ACTIVITY OF JASON BROWN AND FAMILY FOR FRIDAY 28TH OCTOBER:
7AM
Surveillance resumed. The curtains in the house are now drawn. I surmise that the family has returned.
3PM
The curtains are now open but there seems to be little activity. Stake-out proving boring. Tempted to buy a newspaper, but worried about missing vital clues.
10PM
Brown family leave the house, once again carrying plastic bags. This time I will follow them.
11PM
Brown family walk for just under sixty minutes, ending up on west side of Pottsworth Moor.
11:30PM
Brown family are sitting in an area of open moorland and preparing for some sort of midnight picnic. The plastic bags contained spare clothes and raw meat. The clothes have been buried in the ground, while the meat has been piled in the middle of the clearing. I am hiding in some bushes a few feet away from them. Luckily, the moon is full so I can see very clearly.
12AM
Help!
1AM
Can’t write. Must keep running.
1:30AM
I don’t want to die! I’ve got so much to live for! I haven’t even unlocked the second island on Grand Theft Auto yet.
2AM
If these are my last words I’d like to thank my parents for everything, despite what I might have said in the past. I’d also like to make it absolutely clear that my sister should not take possession of my computer, television, games consoles or collection of novelty flasks.
SATURDAY 29TH OCTOBER
It is now Saturday afternoon and my hands have stopped shaking, so I can write about what happened yesterday.
I observed Jason and his family from my hiding place in the bushes until just after midnight, when the clouds parted to reveal the full moon. All the members of the Brown family then adopted a strange position, crouching down with their heads pointing to the sky. I was puzzling over this when their noses stretched into hideous snouts and the veins on their necks thickened into bulbous tubes. Their backs arched until they were horribly stretched and their legs and arms snapped into disgusting haunches. Their clothes were ripped apart as thick hairs forced their way out of their sore flesh and the vertebrae on their backs popped up one by one. Their fingernails grew into yellow claws and their painful cries became animal howls.
I won’t lie. I was frightened. Let’s just say that if I were the urinating type I’d have needed a change of trousers. You might think it’s pathetic for a vampire to be scared of werewolves, but I didn’t even know they were real. Dad had mentioned them a few times, but he talks so much rubbish I thought he was making it up. Plus, I’ve always had a particular dislike of dogs, so I found the sight of Jason and his family transforming into them especially vile.
As soon as they’d transformed, they tucked into their meat. They were engrossed in their disgusting raw scraps, so I thought it might be a good time to make my escape.
Unfortunately, I cracked a branch with my foot, and the Jason werewolf peered round. The wolves padded towards me, leaving aside their scraps for fresher meat. Jason broke away from the pack and pounded forward. Had he spotted me?
I flung myself into a ditch and covered myself with handfuls of soggy leaves. Luckily, Jason was as stupid in wolf form as he is in human form and he bolted right past me. His pack ran after him and soon the thud of their paws passed into the distance. I crawled out of my ditch and glanced up at the top of the hill to see the foul beasts ripping a lamb apart.
Now that I’m back indoors, I have begun to fear for poor, vulnerable Chloe. How trustingly she has given herself to these monsters. How can I reach her before they do to her what they did to that innocent lamb?
SUNDAY 30TH OCTOBER
6PM
My family went out for a hike this afternoon, but I stayed behind to snoop around Dad’s study for information on werewolves. The only thing I could find was a decrepit old book called Defeating the Lycanthrope Menace.
I’m sure the book is biased, but it sounds like I ought to keep quiet about my discovery. It says that vampires and werewolves have been deadly enemies for centuries, that there have been countless bloody wars between them, and that if a vampire encounters a werewolf, they must inform their coven so they can battle it immediately.* In other words, if I open my mouth, I’ll be volunteering for a violent supernatural showdown that will most likely result in my head getting chewed off. Combined with the stress of my mock exams, that would be too much.
On a more reassuring note, the book said that werewolves only transform on the three nights of the month when the moon is fullest, so I think the Brown family will now stay human until next month. At any rate, I think I should abandon my surveillance. It’s not that I’m scared. It’s just that I’m behind with my coursework.
* According to the book, the phrase ‘cry wolf’ comes from the story of a vampire in Ancient Greece who would often pretend werewolves were attacking him as a practical joke. So when he really was beheaded by one, his coven ignored his cries for help. To some, the moral of this story is that no one believes a liar even when he’s telling the truth. To others, the moral is that most people will ignore the sound of a practical joker being killed.
12AM
I’m not sure it’s safe for me to continue this diary. If a human ever got hold of it and found out about the war between vampires and werewolves I’d get in all sorts of trouble. I think I’ll continue it in Ancient Vamperian to be on the safe side.
MONDAY 31ST OCTOBER
Actually, writing in Ancient Vamperian was too much effort. I had to keep consulting Dad’s dictionary because I’d forgotten the hieroglyphs. I think I’ll switch back to English, but be sure to keep this diary with me at all times.
I was back in school today and I spent the whole time trying to avoid Jason. I must admit I got a bit nervous whenever I was near him, and it didn’t help that a Year Seven class had decorated the corridors with frightening Halloween decorations. You might think that crude paintings of witches, pumpkins and skeletons would be no problem for a supernatural entity, but after my recent experience I was feeling very fragile and sensitive.
When it’s Halloween, we usually turn the lights off and pretend to be out, but tonight Grandpa is opening the door and dishing out sweets to anyone who calls round. I think he’s enjoying wearing his huge purple cape without raising suspicion.
I have to admit it made me nervous whenever someone in a werewolf mask called round. There’s no way they could know that I’d recently had a dangerous encounter with a pack of them, but I still find it insensitive. If someone was knocked down by a Harley-Davidson, you wouldn’t turn up at their house the next day dressed as a motorbike and expect them to give you sweets.
It was interesting to watch my sister’s reaction to the various Halloween costumes, because it showed just how little she’s learned in her nine-and-a-half decades on this planet. She said she liked the ‘Frankingstein’ the best, and I made an effort to explain that Frankenstein was the name of the scientist, not the monster, but it didn’t sink in. Then she said she hated the ‘skellington’ most, because it was the most frightening. I asked her if she was aware she had a skeleton inside her own body. She freaked out and shouted that she was a vampire not a ‘disgusting skellington’. My parents overheard the row and had a go at me for trying to worry her. If anyone deserves telling off, it’s her for sp
ending the best part of a century in education without developing even a basic grasp of anatomy. But nothing’s ever her fault, of course.
TUESDAY 1ST NOVEMBER
Today I spent all Maths lesson glancing fearfully at Jason. At least these diabolical events have proved I’m not paranoid. My instincts told me there was something wrong with him, and my instincts were right. On the other hand, how am I supposed to rearrange equations when I’m so near to a merciless killer who would rip my throat out if the lunar cycle demanded it?
I suppose it explains why he didn’t understand Animal Farm. When you live in a family of wolfpeople, it must be easy to misinterpret a book about talking pigs, horses and goats as gritty realism.
