Megan came to stand before him, her brown eyes calculating. “I think she’ll love it. My turn for the question. Why’d you bring me?”
“She trusts you. She needs you, Megan. You’re strong, and she’ll need your grit to help her stay strong and positive.”
“I’m sorry, she needs me?” Megan threw up her hands, exaggerated shock written all over her face. “Soldier boy, have you met Kaylan?”
Nick nodded, the seriousness of his face telling her it was no joke. “When I’m away, it’s hard on Kaylan.”
“Because of losing Sarah Beth. Because of the earthquake.”
“Even without that it would be hard, Meg.” He walked to the window and stared at the palm tree growing just outside. Its rough, layered bark made it seem like a tall sentry, standing watch. “She’s adjusting. But I think having this apartment will make it easier for her. She can even start moving our stuff in and decorating when she’s ready.”
Megan joined him at the window, and he held up the key. “Will you hold onto this until she needs a reminder that she isn’t in this by herself? I’m leaving her some other surprises while I’m gone, and I’ll need your help with those, too.”
He glanced at his watch. Almost out of time.
Megan took hold of the key. “No one’s ever asked me to be part of something like this before.” Her brown eyes filled with awe and a hint of confusion.
“Hey, you’re family to Kaylan now. You’re in the wedding. We want you to be a part.”
She dropped her gaze, her hands toying with the key. “Family. I never really knew what that was like.” When she looked up, he saw anger brewing. Her mouth stretched in a taut line, a storm gathering behind those guarded dark eyes.
“Why do you do it? Why do you fight for your country and leave your family?” Her voice dropped to a deadly whisper. “Is it worth it?”
Nick leaned against the windowsill, wondering how to answer her question. He had asked himself the same thing recently. Given everything she’d gone through in Haiti, why ask Kaylan to endure the hardship of military life? Deep in his heart he knew the answer wasn’t that simple. He also knew he was inviting her to be part of something bigger than themselves—to fight on behalf of others like God called him to. He was inviting Kaylan to be part of the incredible pride, the honor, and the camaraderie that came from belonging in this community.
But Megan’s question gnawed at him daily. What if he died and left Kaylan alone? What if he wasn’t there for his kids? Despite his questions, Nick kept coming to the same conclusion, and then peace flooded his soul, despite the fear. He could only tell Megan what he reminded himself every day.
“The way I see it, I have two options. I can stay at home, find a good job, raise a family, and pretend like nothing is going on. Or I can fight, whether here or abroad. I chose to fight abroad so that something like 9/11 doesn’t happen again.”
“But why? Why do you care when your family will pay the price for it?”
He met her gaze, understanding the pain behind her questions. She’d grown up an Army brat, her mom left the family, and her dad was either deployed or drinking. Either way, she’d been shoved off onto relatives until she’d been old enough to take care of herself. “Megan, have I ever done anything to demonstrate I’m like your dad?”
He watched her wrestle with his question. In Nick’s opinion, Megan’s dad had missed the best years of raising a pretty tough daughter, one who would have given him her whole-hearted support if he’d only shown her a little love.
Slowly she shook her head. Her shoulders deflated a fraction. “No.”
He nodded. “I go into harm’s way to fight for Kaylan and for you because I believe I’m doing something that matters, something that not everyone can do.”
“Even when no one else knows what you do? What you sacrifice?”
“If I did it for the glory, I wouldn’t be a SEAL. I do it because it’s right. I’m fighting for good in a world full of evil, protecting and fighting against injustice.”
A shadow drifted across her face as the palm leaves outside danced in the breeze. “And how do you handle all the evil? You believe in God and yet look at all you’ve seen. How do you see the good?”
“Are you thinking of what happened to you and Kaylan last year?”
“And Kaylan in the earthquake and what you see on every deployment that you can’t tell her about. How do you see the good?”
Nick took in the apartment around him, imagining it to be a safe haven, peaceful. A place for good memories. Home. None of that was possible if men like him refused to do the hard jobs. “All I can tell you is that when bullets are flying, it’s love for and trust in the men by my side that keeps me going. It’s the victory in knowing that I’ve stopped a terrorist or freed a people from a tyrannical government. It’s the freedom I witness in women and children being liberated from oppression.” He gripped her shoulders and met her eyes. “Megan, it’s because I believe victory belongs to God. God already won. And I’m just one man that He chooses to use to fight for others until He comes back. If I can be just a small part of that grand design, then this is all worth it. And Kaylan believes that, too.”
Megan studied him, searching for sincerity. Her features were so different from Kaylan’s, beautiful but darker, marked by past pain and questions. He offered her a small smile as he crossed his arms and leaned against the window frame, fighting the urge to look at his watch. “Just say what you want to say.”
Whatever she’d been holding back exploded from her. “Bullets? Bullets, you idiot.”
“What did you think we were shooting with? Paintballs?”
“You could get killed. You could hurt Kaylan all over again. Doesn’t that freak you out?”
Nick straightened, an uncomfortable twinge coursing through him at the reminder of the fear he kept locked in the deepest recesses of his heart. It would cripple him if he allowed it to gain any ground.
“Megan, I don’t want to hurt Kayles. That’s not what I want . . . ever.”
“Then how do you live so unafraid?” She flexed her arms. “Muscles only get you so far, soldier boy. And we all know your brains aren’t keeping you going.” She slumped against the wall, her voice falling to a mere whisper. “So how do you do it? How do you live so”—she searched for the right word—“brave?”
“You think I’m not scared? Everything that has happened lately terrifies me.”
Meg rolled her eyes. “Please. You are as cool as a cucumber.”
Nick chuckled at her theatrics. Little did she know. Never had he feared anyone or anything so much as Janus. His mother had the ability to hurt the ones he loved the most. He met Megan’s brown eyes. “I trust that God is sovereign. He knows my days and this job He called me to. I can enter every situation with confidence because He goes before me, and He has given me the men that go into battle by my side. There’s an inherent trust, an unspoken knowing that while I’m looking after them, they’re looking after me.”
“And how do you get that brave? How do you get that selfless? I would turn tail and run while firing over my shoulder.”
He grinned. “Maybe just avoid the military.”
“Nick, I’m not joking. How can I be brave?”
He heard the vulnerability in her tone and gentled. “Bravery is simply facing each fear and refusing to back down, even when it seems that fear has the upper hand. Fear can’t stand in the face of courage. It only holds as much power as you grant it.”
Megan’s eyes drifted down. “I’m tired of living scared of what happened a few months ago. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder, of not letting people in because they might hurt me.” Her voice faded to a mumble.
Nick squeezed her shoulder. “Then fight it, Meg. Every day. Do it with Kaylan. Do it for one another. Lean into the strength the Lord gives freely to all who ask. You can be brave.”
Megan stepped back from him, breaking the weight of the moment. A small smile cracked her tough veneer. She jang
led the key and moved to the door. “You SEALs are a special breed. You’re pretty smart. Maybe you do have a brain in that head of yours, Scarecrow.”
He laughed and ruffled her hair. “And maybe you have the courage of a lion after all. Who knew an annoying goth girl would turn out to be cool?”
“I am not goth. I just like black and dark colors.”
He crossed his arms and smirked. “Whatever you say.”
She returned his smirk. “The love of your life is waiting and you have a job to do.” She grinned as she opened the door. “I’ll help Kaylan hold down the fort while you’re gone.”
“Avoid psychos this time, will ya?”
Nick could have sworn her eyes rolled into her brain on that one.
He took one more look around the small living area and then joined Megan at the door as she locked up. They walked to the parking lot, Nick giving her instructions while she jotted notes on her phone. He only hoped the apartment would help Kaylan. He knew this assignment had come at a bad time for her.
As he opened the door to his Jeep, Megan’s hand stopped him. “Soldier boy, thanks. For what you do out there. And for trusting me with this.” She nodded back to the building. “Home. Family. That’s a new thing for me. I won’t let you down.”
He pulled her into a hug and held her until she relaxed. She felt like a sister to him, and she loved his girl. “You won’t let me down, Megan. Family isn’t about performing. It’s about loving. It’s why I do what I do, and it’s what Christ did for me.” She pulled back and offered a tentative smile. “The greatest love is demonstrated in someone who is willing to give his life for his friend.”
She took a step backwards, a mischievous grin lighting her face. “Just don’t ask me to shoot anyone. I don’t love you that much.”
He chuckled. “You got it, soldier.”
She opened her door. “And maybe don’t call me that either.”
He grinned. “Don’t worry. You’ll grow into it.”
She rolled her eyes. “Be safe, soldier boy,” she said as she crawled into her car.
“Hey, Meg,” he called just before she closed her door. “Welcome to our family.”
She nodded, and he could have sworn her eyes glistened. Waving, he watched as she started up the car and sped off.
Nick returned to his own car, thanking God for the friend Kaylan had found in Megan, even if Megan didn’t realize her own value yet. She was different from Sarah Beth, but she was loyal and passionate and just needed someone to love her enough to bring out those qualities in her. If anyone could do it, Kaylan could. And already, Megan was blossoming. Witnessing that made him love Kaylan even more. His little warrior. She fought for people’s hearts, making her own all the more beautiful.
He pointed his car toward their special meeting place. He had an hour before he needed to be back, and he needed to see his girl before then, his little taste of home before making war.
Chapter Six
Sunset Park held a special place in Nick’s heart. In his time separated from Kaylan, he had come here to spend some of his evenings. He’d brought his Bible, books, and note pads and read and scribbled until the orange light of the setting sun had receded into twilight. Even then, sometimes he just used the flashlight on his phone and kept working. It’s how he had disciplined himself to learn and grow in a faith that Micah had been privileged to experience his whole life. During his deployment, the discipline had served him well.
And now, Kaylan waited for him in the same place. Children played on the colorful jungle gym on one side. A grassy knoll occupied another side of the park. He spotted her before she saw him, stretched out on a polka-dot blanket in her work clothes and light jacket, a book held above her face.
The soft grass muffled his footsteps, and the nippy sixty-degree air tugged at his thin long sleeves. It would be dark soon. Dark and chilly. He studied the position of the sun through several trees on the horizon. Funny how California was able to intermix the tall, slightly awkward-looking palm tree with the full grace of the shade tree.
He stopped on the edge of the blanket, grabbing the foot Kaylan bounced on her knee in midair.
“Haven’t I told you it isn’t nice to sneak up on people?” she said, a smile in her voice. Her gaze never left the book still suspended above her head.
He crawled next to her and lay down on his back. Angling his head toward hers, he said, “At least you are getting used to it. What are you reading?”
“Romeo and Juliet.”
His head came off the blanket. “Seriously?”
She closed the book and rolled onto her stomach, her green eyes drawing him in like the trees on the edge of the park—free, strong, beautiful. “I’m brushing up on some nutrition research. Do you even know who wrote Romeo and Juliet?”
Nick scrunched his forehead and tapped a finger to his chin. “Bill Wakespear or something like that.” He fought to keep a straight face.
She giggled and swatted his arm. “You’re hopeless.”
He wound his fingers around the back of her neck and into her hair, memorizing the silky feel. “You’re right, Kayles. Hopelessly in love with you.”
He lifted his head and his lips met hers, heating his blood, his mouth moving in rhythm with hers. He could feel her smile.
She pulled back. “What a line.”
He let his head fall back to the blanket as he stared into her face, memorizing every angle and light freckle. “But a romantic one.”
A cloud drifted over the sun, and she dropped her gaze. “The call. The request to leave work a little early and meet you. You’re leaving. Dave and Seth said you left the house early this morning.”
He nodded. “Did they make it to the airport okay?”
“Megan and I took care of it.” She shivered. He sat up and tugged the excess blanket around them, then slipped his arm around her shoulders. She curled into his chest. Her body tucked against his almost made him question his orders. Almost.
“Nick, I really need you here. There’s so many little details to finish. I need you to help make decisions.”
“I can’t help it, Kaylan.”
“Can’t they send someone else?” She pulled away from him, but this time he didn’t like what he saw brewing in her gaze. Shadows had descended and darkened their deep green hue.
“That’s not how it works, Kayles, and you know it.” He moved his arm and wrapped it around his knee. “Besides, I wouldn’t want anyone else to take my place out there.” He reached for her hand. “I want to go.”
“And I want you to stay. We are about to get married, Nick. I want to be selfish. I deserve to be selfish right now. They can have you on the next deployment. But I need you right now.”
Nick’s patience bled to frustration. “Kaylan, it’s just wedding plans. You’ll be fine without me.”
“I don’t want to do this by myself! You’re always leaving when I need you most.”
“A little exaggerated, don’t you think?” He threw the blanket off his shoulders, his tone matching hers and escalating quickly. He couldn’t help it. She should know better. How many times were they going to have a different version of the same conversation? But a small part of him remembered leaving a broken version of her after the quake and a haunted version of her last fall. He knew it was part of the job. Knew she wasn’t broken or haunted anymore, just struggling with the normal ache that came with a deployment. He took all of it as part of the job. He took the good with the bad in this calling, and he needed her to do the same.
He forced his voice to a deadly calm, but emotion still poured from every word. “Kaylan, do you want to marry me?”
She rolled her eyes and tossed her hand in the air, light glinting off her ring. “I think we’ve covered this. And by the way, I liked the way you asked me more the first time.”
Her sarcasm shoved him over the edge and any hint of compassion fled. “Well, you better suck it up and deal because you don’t get to be selfish in my line of work, Kayl
an. You don’t get to pick and choose when I leave. If you can’t deal with it, tell me now.” He rose to a crouch, his gaze locked with hers. “Otherwise, get over it.”
He stood and took a step towards his car, his boots sinking in the grass and anger seeping through him like steam. He paused, refusing to turn and look at her. “You have until I get back to decide if this is what you really want. This is the direction I’m going. Decide if you want to walk it with me.”
Without another word he strode to his Jeep and spun out of the parking lot, too hurt and angry to continue the discussion. He’d never envisioned this type of goodbye, but if Kaylan couldn’t handle the military life, he was better off knowing now. All the love in the world could never make up for the times his job, or he, would hurt her. Would she give him that power, a power to love her fully? With it came the ability to hurt her more than anyone else. He knew that vulnerability, because he’d already handed that power to her along with his heart. And he was suffering for it now.
With that thought, he shut out the ache threatening to tear him apart, telling him to go back and fix it. No more thinking. No more feeling. Only duty. He just didn’t know whether the job now came as a welcome escape or whether this conversation would haunt him until his return.
He ground his teeth. One thing was certain. It was time to focus, time to leave. And time for Kaylan to be left on her own—to decide.
Chapter Seven
Kaylan’s eyes flew open. She sucked in a deep breath and sat up, rubbing away the lingering effects of another nightmare. Sarah Beth, screaming. Nick, appearing, but then walking away, oblivious to her cries. Nothing like the guy she knew. She hated dreaming about him that way.
Shaking it off, she stretched, the muscles in her back so rigid she ached. Red numbers glowing from the clock next to her bed provided the only light in the dark room. 4:07 a.m.
Surrendered (Heart of a Warrior Series Book 3) Page 5
