11
“old examples”
Who would seek a compassion, which must concern a future and I saw no future. Beyond that moment lay nothing for myself. Who is trapped, animals are trapped, humans are animals. This was my country yet not my country. Why I was here. It was to question from the past, having no meaning for the now. The elderly man had arrived with his righthand man, who was a dangerous man. Both had names known to myself and to other colleagues.
All concentration now was on this demonstration, fully placed to the elderly man whose role so was primary. We were in a cleared area in that section, I can say our section. We were seated on a floor, backs to the wall and yet relaxing, stretching out our legs, the dozen of us. Others may have entered. A fire had been built. I had thought to be near to a window but spaces all were taken and I could sit where, where I might.
There was the area beyond and some had returned from there with wood and also water, there was no wine, no brandy, if someone had cigarettes, I do not think so. There was little talking. I could not grasp what was said, having to pay close attention to gesture, to facial expression. People were exhausted, I also, straining if to concentrate, so to listen, also that I might observe. I was not excluded. If I thought so. I know that I was not. There had been strangeness, a strangeness. I can say it, but not what it was, yet something, there was something, yes, sensing it, I did so, it was to happen, what?
Moment by moment I became stronger, gathering this from somewhere, yes, stronger, more. The elderly man was here and to talk, to lecture, of course, all lay within, all aspects, only what form of this, how it so may progress.
An introduction had been given to himself by a colleague. It was courtesy also, these two having travelled far to this section. The elderly man acknowledged it. Our colleague continued, the introduction now a prefatory comment, becoming also a lecture as does happen if there are philosophies or principles of action, of course, what these might be for one, for all, and for us now at this more difficult time if our beliefs are not fixed, not in strength, there are these things we must retain and at what cost, any cost, these are our precious possessions, neither gold nor silver nor the more modern tools and weaponry, all technology, neither trust, betrayal, all questions akin to this, yet more primary.
Near to the exit I saw the righthand man watching, watching, if he might intimidate us. Yes, myself. He could do it, this was a dangerous man, all now knew it, his presence only was intimidation. Those who did not know of this had listened to the introduction by our colleague who now was stepping aside. And the elderly man was there and continued to speak, saying of beliefs or principles, what actions that we are to do and must do. My eyes had been closing earlier, I have said exhaustion but now no longer but alert, hearing the elderly man’s voice, now understanding that he moved towards a difficult ending, that was to develop and lay in that ending.
I had thought it a narrative. It was no narrative. I saw some looking to myself. I knew it. Acquaintances, yes, all were so. I knew it. We had come in the first batch together, and from awkward situations, situations of adversity, greater adversity, adversities. Even so.
There was the nervousness. If my colleagues here awaited a sign it was concerning myself, how to look upon myself for all thought that it was myself. If I was not the one.
Now a further thought from myself, that I was not the one.
If I should be in fear. Why. I do not think so. I could have smiled. We were younger but not so much so, that our minds did not exist, also that we were together in these situations, I have said, of adversity. Uneasiness and how to conceal it, not one from another, if we had been together in such affairs. Do not worry for myself. I smiled to them, this reassurance to them. Nothing is unexpected. Is this to be learned, when may it be learned, what of their images, concatenation, where this meaning may be discovered.
If there is selection then it is we ourselves, we are in selection, have been selected. If it is myself then they also may accept responsibility, if imperatives do exist, yes. We can consider our parents, who did not accede but did not comprehend, so turning their heads from us. If our parents turn their heads from us, we do not do so.
I had hoped they would understand this about me. I thought that they did. This now was reminding them. During the recent activity they had watched out for myself as I them, one to another, as always. Tasks always were delegated as this task also was delegated.
It passed beyond remark when they saw that I was not disturbed. They each themself will assume none but them, not he not she, having endured such torment, they and their people, each of them. But also they had the loyalty. They listened if I spoke, and if I spoke of that especially they listened. As one, another, all of us, we would learn and much so was to be learned, we knew this, I knew it, to the depth of my mind, heart, also heart, yes, I say it.
For now I also was learning, in the presence of the elderly man and the other, and younger colleagues could begin from that. He spoke of betrayal. He asked if we knew how long were the human entrails. The righthand man meantime looked to me. I shrugged but as in reply to the elderly man’s question, if it had been a question, I was not now certain. When his colleague continued to look towards me I said, Yes, and the sound of my voice, booming. I wondered about the others. Matters of loyalty, betrayal. If they should wonder of myself.
The elderly man had made a sign, directing the same question to the others. A woman made a comment, clumsy comment, attempting humour. He ignored her to continue speaking. In past weeks I had heard him on two such occasions, picked that up about him. He was not courteous but perfunctory, seeming without personal interest. Of course he had seen very many people. They come and they leave, some disappear. Guests also. The elderly man would have known many guests, foreign people. Some had been colleagues. He had spoken of this.
Now again he spoke of this. I was concentrated now, knowing it for certain what he said.
Nothing else is possible. What else could there be? I could not think otherwise.
I now understood that the understanding was to me. I did not take it amiss. Why should I? I was in that position. He told of a very difficult example, during the occasion of a very difficult and awkward incidence, very awkward incidence. He said how these things should be reviewed as examples and did we understand this, it was very important that this should be grasped by the company. He explained it over and over again, asking if the point was grasped. And again, did we understand? I found his colleague, the righthand man, looking to me once more and so again I said, Yes.
It had the effect of making a silence. None moved but the elderly man who stared to me. You understand, he asked.
This time I remained silent. He nodded, moving towards me. He gripped me at the back and side of the neck, at first too firmly, choking me and I had to grasp at his wrist. He was directing me over onto my back and I allowed myself to topple, onto my shoulder yet if there had been one option, I so allowed it. He patted my head twice, pulled back my shirt and drew one finger down the centre of my belly, rib-cage to navel. When he spoke his voice was harsh and now too rapid for my comprehension. I now had no concentration for it seeing his arm, shoulder, knotted veins on the back of his hand, wrists, how all power was there. He had withdrawn the knife, yes, thick-bladed, a breaking-knife, gouging and ripping. I saw now the righthand man, arms folded, only watching this event.
Also a vigilance, towards something, there was this. I had the part to play in it. I could see that colleague, righthand man and there was that in him too, I was certain, but what was it?
And who would seek it?
I waited to learn. The younger ones would note this, some [as] patience, others I do not know. But I could not grasp all that the elderly man gave, if he might speak more slowly. Also the harshness, there was that. I say that there was a harshness in him.
In his voice, his manner.
I expected indifference but this was harshness, hindering my comprehension. Also I was seeing his colleagu
e who now observed others in the room, yes, as they looked towards the elderly man, towards myself, he so was alerted, was alert, more so attentive. I was having to control myself so not to struggle, could not. I knew it. The elderly man’s voice now. Colleagues, he said, it is for you, how you must learn this thoroughly.
His gripping now my neck, choking me, could not see his eyes and grasped his wrist, I did do it, if not I do not think, now blackness, in my eyes, spitting lights, spits of this, blue, something. I would topple. I barely could see his colleague but yes he was squinting across at me, a glimpse of him. I saw him. I saw that man and know it, curious as to my origins, my people, from where I had come. He did not know, neither the elderly man who would not care. They none of them, none of them. I told them nothing. They knew nothing. I told them nothing, not the elderly man. No, not the righthand man, who would seek anything. And find nothing. Yes and find nothing. But I waited to learn. I would wait to learn, and so see nothing beyond that moment, for what may I say I had given myself, if to death, I so had done it.
The concentration of the others centred on the elderly man and his demonstration. I no longer could see his colleague but he would be staring, no feature altered.
Now I was gulping I think to speak, if I may so, having to gulp, if I can speak, but the elderly man’s grip forced back my head, settled back onto my windpipe, the heel of his hand to the top of my chest so that I only could gulp, he exerted the pressure again and it was sudden and I saw into his eyes and there was nothing there for me, nothing, I was not here for this man, if my flesh would be ripped. The knife was flat to my stomach, upon it, and its point pressing, I distinguished it, I wondered how long till I heard the voice, when it would come. When it did so it was from a direction too difficult for me. Still the elderly man stared down, his grip arrested on my neck. The pressure there was great. His colleague had moved elsewhere in the room, in meantime, and I could look for him, could smile, but did not see him, could not. The elderly man was listening, only listening. I watched, he saw it. He saw also that I waited. I knew to wait and would wait. The elderly man, his colleague. The response would be from them. Even so it was now that the other spoke. This was the one. I knew it, knew it. Even now, he did speak. There are no friends, he said, there are no others.
His voice had rasped and was followed by silence. None in the room seemed even to move. I waited also, and then could move onto my side the grip of the elderly man so having relaxed. I thought to recognise whose was the voice. I knew that it would come again and I would understand the familiarity. I knew that it would be so.
The fire had dulled and there was not much light now and also a smell, yes sweetish, also was this coal dirt or dampness, something. I looked where I could, seeing their eyes to me. If they had thought I was not of them. They now knew was truth, lying in this demonstration, all younger colleagues. Perhaps this earlier had been denied. If examples might be heeded, not heeded. I saw the elderly man’s colleague towards the rear of the room, as though lounging. He was not lounging. I saw also his look to myself, a curiosity. Yet there was the haughtiness. It was a fault in him. I knew it and so could have said it, argue of it, I saw it, yes, an arrogance, what arrogance was this, a righthand man. I thought why the elderly man so had selected him. I would have known. I would have been so capable, I could have succeeded, neither with arrogance.
Now the individual spoke again. I recognised him. He spoke to all. On the other hand, he said, his voice rasping, and this you must know.
But he did not finish this, instead he looked around the room, the resignation strongly there in him. Others had entered. I knew the shift in atmosphere. When the elderly man made his move he did so methodically and I thought then of his grip as an old vice, rust settled on the underside, seeming always a fraction too late. Yet such a vice need not grip at the correct point of impact. But once settled scarcely could it be prised apart. He patted my shoulder now, murmuring something, that my part had ended.
The righthand man was not in the room. Nor the third, this other who had spoken.
I would say this, that none had allowed a proper opportunity. I had not received it. Thus I would say I was not treated fairly. I had closed my eyes. I hoped that the younger ones would see this and know that I could not enter into this world if not by selection which had taken place as one effect of this demonstration. If I am to have an opinion, I so could not be alive. Of course the elderly man would know, would not know, what of that.
12
“I do not go to his country”
I know who watched for us, myself herself. He carried stories, he was a story teller, fabulous fairy tales for news agencies, crossing this world the next world and all other worlds of this and outside universes. Yes. He sought stories, sought that I might advise him. What did he want from myself was not mysterious. He might turn tables on me, what of “campaigning formations”, so he thought. What he did think I do not care and did not, also that he thought I was a fool. He called me friend, he followed us, spoke also to my companion in quiet places, a fool, thinking quiet places were secret, calling friends, friends, thinking we are so foolish. You are unlike these others, he said.
Unlike these others, what do you say?
Friend, he said, and there one could kill him, yes, how is your throat today, but I would not kill such a one, nothing. If he is dead then he is, dead, if his throat was sliced, why not pistol, who has energy, it may be said, of course, yes. He has disappeared. All people may disappear, as also my wife, as also my companion, as also other family and friends. Who does not disappear. This one day he came to our section, mister teller of fabulous fairy tales and myself and my companion lay under the covering. I said to him, What is it you seek from us?
What language could he know. There is a language shared, man to man, with woman, why he did not leave, and watched us, myself, what did he think, why he was there watching us. He knows, man knows. He was there. Thinking I so am foolish we are so foolish. Why? I do not go to his country.
13
“if I think nothing”
Always there was danger. I then thought so, how she was returning to her own place, I knew these risks, what routes, if securitys should be there. It was not practical, and if the curfew was there. Safety only is for strangers, colleagues also watch for them. Who does not know it. From our first meeting we became intimate. Other nights following, some she would visit, some not so, or again she visited but did not stay. I did not visit her place, only she to mine. I was not suspicious. If she visited one other man, I do not know. It is said she visited one. I do not think so. If it was possible, yes, she might go to him. If she had done I was not affected. How that might be, men and men, jealousy for what reasons. I had been with her and if it was not to continue then it would not and what was it that I might accomplish, if to change her will. This woman was strong, stronger. I thought that she was. Good fortune was to myself having her and I was grateful, certainly.
I said these were dangerous times then in that town and in shadows such risks, all colleagues took them, so also that night of her disappearance when many authoritys and guests to our country were there, a cultural evening, an event of importance for our “campaigning formation”. Social gatherings, all such events, these may be duties. Authoritys and foreign people, media people also, these with us, photographic, that these might meet one another and see things, other sides of our lives, our people. This concert also was for higher colleagues who would seek support, domestic, foreign. All things were needed, tools, material goods and medicines of course, hardware software, all of everything anything, finances.
We were in escort team, my companion driving, I by her side, protector, weaponry. We came by certain routes in one convoy and so would return by certain routes, twelve or fourteen vehicles, up down up down along along along, along, up, down down round, round circles, all due care. We were sixth or seventh vehicle. We two had brought three persons and would return these afterwards to their houses, one a guest to o
ur country. Upon arrival they entered the theatre, colleagues were there, securing for entries-exit, all safety, safely. We two did not enter the building but parked the vehicle then, bringing it to the parking area, returning afterwards by foot. Colleagues also patrolled there. One street beyond and parallel were military and security. We knew it they knew it all knew it, standing off from us, we from them, later would be curfew time.
So, we did not enter the theatre building with the others, but after the beginning. It was excitement. I have said this. It is nothing, I always was so, lusting, what I may say, I can say it, without power, I was her lover. If I was hers, if I was. We returned by foot not to there but behind so to the alley, and into shadows, a doorway, we were together. Here was the smell of burnt burning things, food, chicken, lamb, onion, we had not eaten, these smells were good, I remember, was hungry. If she was excited by these adventures, I do not think so, not so much, yet these were risks and greater risks. Yes I pulled her to myself, she pulled me to herself. We were lovers. We were. What I am to say, I did not abuse her, what to say I can say it, herself myself, I opened her clothing. What to say I touched her, yes, yes touching her, gripping her. Yes, gently, open, her breaths, catch in breaths, her breathing, her clothing. If power was with ourselves, I do not think so. Later we were into the seats for us in the theatre. Other colleagues then saw us so, entering later.
Translated Accounts Page 9
