Fighting the urge to jump from the car, she stepped out slowly and began to walk up the driveway as if nothing about the scene struck her as unusual.
Jeremy had risen even before she’d slung her purse over her shoulder. “Hi,” he said.
She forced herself to steady her voice and smile as she approached. “Down here, people say, ‘hey,’ not ‘hi.’”
Jeremy studied his feet, seemingly oblivious to the playfulness in her tone.
“I’m glad to see you, stranger,” she added, her voice gentle. “It’s not often that I come home to see such a handsome man waiting on my porch.”
When Jeremy looked up, she could see the exhaustion in his face.
“I was just beginning to wonder where you were.”
She stood before him, recalling her earlier memory of his touch against her skin. For an instant, she thought about throwing herself into his arms, but there was something so fragile and tentative about his demeanor that she held back.
“I’m glad to see you,” she said again.
Jeremy responded with the ghost of a smile but said nothing.
“Are you still mad at me?” she asked.
Instead of answering, he simply stared at her. When she realized he was debating how to answer, weighing what he wanted to say against what he thought she wanted to hear, she reached for his arm. “Because if you are, you have every right to be.” She spoke in a breathless rush, anxious not to leave out anything she needed to say. “You were right. I should have told you about everything, and I won’t keep things like that from you again. I’m sorry.”
He seemed amused. “Just like that?”
“I’ve had some time to think about it.”
“I’m sorry, too,” he conceded. “I shouldn’t have overreacted the way I did.”
In the silence that followed, Lexie took in the fatigue and sorrow that seemed to hang from his figure. Instinctively, she moved toward him. He hesitated only briefly before opening his arms. She moved into them, kissed him gently on the lips, and then put her head on his chest. With his arms wrapped around her, they held each other for a long time, but she was conscious of the lack of passion in his embrace.
“Are you okay?” she whispered.
“No, not really,” he answered.
She took his hand and led him inside, pausing in the living room, unsure whether to sit beside him on the couch or in the chair beside it. Jeremy moved around her and collapsed onto the couch. Then, leaning forward, he ran a hand through his hair.
“Sit by me,” he said. “I have something to tell you.”
At his words, her heart skipped a beat. She moved next to him, feeling the warmth of his leg against her own. When he exhaled sharply, she felt herself stiffen.
“Is it about us?” she asked.
He stared in the direction of the kitchen, his eyes unfocused. “You could say that.”
“And the wedding?”
When he nodded, Lexie steeled herself for the worst. “Are you moving back to New York?” she whispered.
It took a moment for him to grasp what she was asking, but when he faced her, she saw his confusion.
“Why would you think something like that? Do you want me to move back?”
“Of course not. But the way you’re acting, I don’t know what to think.”
Jeremy shook his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so evasive. I guess I’m still trying to make sense of everything myself. But I’m not mad at you or thinking of calling off the wedding. I probably should have explained that right away.”
She felt herself relax. “What’s going on? Did something happen at the bachelor party?”
“Yeah,” Jeremy said. “But there’s more to it than just that.”
He started at the beginning, finally telling her about the depths of his struggles with writing, his worries about the cost of the house, the sense of frustration he sometimes felt in the limited confines of Boone Creek. She’d heard bits and pieces of it all before, though she admitted to herself that she hadn’t sensed how difficult it had really been for him. He spoke in a voice that omitted blame, as if talking to himself as much as to her.
She wasn’t sure where he was going but knew enough to stay silent until he’d finished. He sat straighter.
“And then,” he added, “I saw you and Rodney holding hands. Even when I saw it, I knew it shouldn’t bother me. I told myself that over and over, but I guess that the other stresses I was under made me think it was something more. I knew how ridiculous the belief was, but I guess I was looking for a reason to take it out on you.” He gave a halfhearted smile. “Which was exactly what you told me the other day. Then you went over to Rodney’s again, and I just snapped. But there was something else I haven’t told you. Something that happened after each of those events.”
She reached for his hand, feeling relief when he accepted it.
He told her about the e-mails he’d received, describing the anger and anxiety they’d caused. At first, she had trouble understanding what had happened, and she tried to keep her voice steady in an attempt to stifle her growing sense of shock.
“That’s how you knew what was in the journal?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “I don’t know whether I would have noticed it otherwise.”
“But . . . who would have done something like that?”
Jeremy sighed as he answered. “Alvin.”
“Alvin? Alvin sent them? But . . . that doesn’t make sense. There was no way he could know—”
“Rachel told him,” he said. “When she left? She went to see Alvin in New York.”
Lexie shook her head. “No. I’ve known her forever. She wouldn’t do that.”
He told her the rest of the story as best he could piece it together. “And after I stormed out of the bar, I didn’t know what to do. I just walked for a while until I heard people running up behind me. My brothers . . .” He shrugged. “They could see how angry I was, and that got them going. Put a couple of drinks in them, and they’re more than happy to start a brawl. They kept asking what Alvin did and whether they should have a ‘talk’ with him. I told them to let it go.”
In a role reversal, Jeremy seemed to find it easy to keep talking; Lexie was still trying to digest what he’d told her.
“They ended up bringing me back to my parents, but I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t talk to anyone up there about everything that had gone on, so I changed my flight to the first one out this morning.”
When he finished, Lexie felt as if she couldn’t breathe.
“I thought he was your friend.”
“So did I.”
“Why would he do something like that?”
“I don’t know,” Jeremy said.
“Because of me? What did I ever do to him? He doesn’t even know me. He doesn’t know us. This was . . .”
“Evil,” Jeremy said, finishing for her. “I know it was.”
“But . . .” She dabbed at an unexpected tear. “He . . . I just don’t . . .”
“I don’t know what to say, either,” Jeremy said. “I’ve been trying to make sense of it since it happened, but the only thing I’ve figured out is that in his own twisted way, he thought he was helping me avoid a potential disaster. It’s sick, I know. In any case, I’m through with him.”
She met his gaze with sudden fierceness. “Why didn’t you tell me about the e-mails earlier?”
“Like I said, I wouldn’t have known what to say. I didn’t know who sent them, I didn’t know why. And then, with everything else . . .”
“Does your family know?”
“About the e-mails? No, I didn’t say anything—”
“No,” Lexie interrupted, trembling. “That you were worried about whether it was your baby.”
“I know it’s my baby.”
“It is your baby,” she said. “I’ve never slept with Rodney. You’re the only one I’ve slept with in years.”
“I know. . . .”
“But I wa
nt you to hear me say it. It’s our baby, yours and mine. I swear.”
“I know.”
“But you wondered, didn’t you.” Her voice was beginning to crack. “Even if it was only for an instant, you wondered about it. First you find me over at Rodney’s, and then you discover that I hadn’t told you about being pregnant before, and with all your other stress . . .”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. You should have told me. If I’d known any of this . . . we could have gone through all this together.” She struggled for self-control.
“It’s over, okay? There’s nothing we can do about it, and we’ll get through this and move on.”
“You must have hated me.”
“I never hated you,” he said, pulling her close. “I love you. We’re getting married next week, remember?”
She turned her face into his chest, finding comfort in the circle of his arms. In time, she sighed. “I don’t want to see Alvin at the wedding.”
“I don’t, either. But there’s something else I have to tell you.”
“No, I don’t want to hear it. Not just yet. I’ve had enough shock for one day.”
“This is good,” he promised. “You’ll want to hear this.”
She looked up at him, as if hoping he wasn’t lying.
“Thank you,” he said.
“For what?”
With a gentle smile, he kissed her on the lips. “For the letters you sent to my family. Especially my mother. It’s those things that remind me that marrying you is the best thing I’ll ever do.”
Thirteen
A cold, slashing rain, unseasonable in its fury, crashed water against the windows in waves. The gray clouds, which had drifted in uneventfully the night before, brought with them morning mist and a wind that shook the last of the blossoms from the dogwood trees. It was early May, and there were only three days until the wedding. Jeremy had made arrangements to meet his parents at the Norfolk airport, where they’d follow him in a rented car to Cape Hatteras Lighthouse in Buxton. Until they arrived, he busied himself with helping Lexie make final calls to verify that everything was ready.
The gloomy weather did nothing to dampen the renewed passion Lexie and Jeremy felt for each other. On the night he’d returned, they made love with an intensity that surprised them both, and he could vividly recall the electric feel of her skin against his own. It was as if, in their lovemaking, they were trying to erase all of the pain and betrayals, the secrets and anger, of the past few months.
Once the burden of their respective secrets had been removed, Jeremy felt lighter than he had in months. With his impending marriage, he had a valid excuse to avoid thinking about work and had little trouble doing so. He went jogging twice and made the decision to take it up regularly again as soon as the wedding was behind him. Although the renovations on the house weren’t complete, the contractor promised that they would be able to move in well before the baby was born. It would probably be the end of August, but Lexie felt confident enough to go ahead and put her bungalow up for sale, promising to bank the entire proceeds to shore up their dwindling savings.
The one place they didn’t go was Herbs. After learning what Rachel had told Alvin, Lexie couldn’t fathom the idea of seeing her—not yet, anyway. The night before, Doris had called, asking why neither Jeremy nor Lexie had even dropped in to say hello. On the phone, Lexie assured Doris that she wasn’t angry with her and admitted that Doris had been right to take her to task when they last spoke. When Lexie didn’t follow up with a visit, Doris called again.
“I’m beginning to think there’s something that you’re not telling me,” Doris said, “and if you don’t tell me what’s going on, I’m going to march over to your house and perch myself on your porch until you fill me in.”
“We’re just busy and making sure everything is ready for the weekend,” Lexie said, trying to appease her.
“I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck,” Doris said, “and I know avoidance when I see it, and the fact is, you’re avoiding me.”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Then why not swing by the restaurant a little later?” When Lexie hesitated, Doris made an intuitive leap. “Does this have something to do with Rachel, by any chance?”
When Lexie didn’t answer, Doris sighed. “That’s it, isn’t it. I should have known. On Monday, she seemed to be avoiding me, too. Same thing today. What did she do now?”
Lexie was wondering how much to say when she heard Jeremy enter the kitchen behind her. Thinking he was coming in for a glass of water or a snack, she gave him a distracted smile before she noticed his expression.
“Rachel’s here,” Jeremy said. “She wants to talk to you.”
Rachel flashed a nervous smile when Lexie entered the living room, then quickly looked away. Lexie stared at her without speaking. In the doorway, Jeremy shifted his weight from one foot to the other, then decided to slip out the back door so the two could be alone.
Lexie heard the back door close before she took a seat across from Rachel. Devoid of makeup, Rachel looked anxious and exhausted. In her hands, she twisted a tissue compulsively.
“I’m sorry,” she said without preamble. “I never meant for any of this to happen, and I can only guess how angry you are. I just want you to know I didn’t want to hurt you. I had no idea that Alvin had done what he did.”
When Lexie didn’t respond, Rachel brought her hands to her head, massaging her temples. “He called me at home this past weekend and tried to explain, but I was just so horrified. If I’d known, if I’d even had an inkling of what he was doing, I would never have talked to him. But he fooled me. . . .”
She trailed off, still unable to meet Lexie’s eyes.
“You’re not the only one. He fooled Jeremy, too,” Lexie said.
“But it was still my fault.”
“Yeah,” Lexie agreed, “it was.”
Lexie’s comment seemed to stop Rachel’s train of thought. In the silence that followed, Lexie watched her, trying to assess whether she was feeling contrite because of what she’d done or because she’d been caught. She was a friend, someone Lexie had trusted, but then again, Jeremy would have said the same thing about Alvin.
“Tell me how it happened,” Lexie finally said.
Rachel sat up straighter; when she spoke, it sounded as if she’d been rehearsing her words for days.
“You know that Rodney and I have been having problems, right?”
Lexie nodded.
“That’s where it started,” Rachel said. “I know that you and Rodney always saw your relationship differently. To you, he was just a friend, but to Rodney . . . well, you were like some kind of fantasy, and even now, I’m not sure whether he’s ever going to get over you. When he looks at me sometimes, it’s like he really wants to be seeing you instead. I know that sounds crazy, but I felt it every time he showed up at my door. It’s like I was never quite good enough, no matter what I was wearing or what we planned to do. And then, one day when I was running something into Doris’s office, I found Alvin’s phone number, and . . . I don’t know . . . I was feeling depressed and lonesome, and I just decided to give him a call. I didn’t know what to expect—I really didn’t expect anything—but we just got to talking, and I started telling him about the troubles that Rodney and I have been having in our relationship and how he can’t seem to get over you. Well, Alvin got real quiet and then told me you were pregnant. The way he said it let me know that he wasn’t sure Jeremy was the father. And that maybe Rodney was.”
Lexie felt her stomach sink.
“I want you to know that I never thought it was Rodney’s baby. Never, not once. I knew that you and Rodney had never slept together, and I said something to that effect. I didn’t think twice about it. Honestly, once I hung up, I didn’t even think we’d talk again, but then Alvin called me sometime later, and all I could think was that it was nice to hear from him. And after Rodney and I got into another fight, I just wanted
a break from it all . . . so on a whim I decided to head to New York for a few days. I can’t explain it other than to say I had to get out of town and it was a place I’d always wanted to go. So I called Alvin when I got there, and we ended up spending most of the night talking. I was upset and maybe I drank too much, but somehow you came up again and I let it slip that you’d been pregnant before and that it was even noted in Doris’s journal.”
When Lexie raised her eyebrows, Rachel hesitated before going on.
“Doris kept the journal in her office and I was looking through it when I saw your initials and Trevor’s name in there. I know it wasn’t any of my business and I know I shouldn’t have said anything, but I was just talking. I didn’t have any idea that he was sending Jeremy e-mails and trying to break you two up. I didn’t find out about that until this past weekend, after Jeremy was already back here. Alvin called me in this panic on Saturday and blurted out everything, and I got this sick feeling. Not only because of what I’d helped to set in motion, but because he’d been using me all along.” Her voice wavered as she stared at her shredded tissue. “I swear, I didn’t mean to hurt you, Lex. I thought we were just talking.”
Rachel’s eyes filled with tears. “You have every right to be angry with me, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you never wanted to see me again. If I were you I don’t know that I would want to see me. It’s taken me this long to even work up the courage to come here. I haven’t been able to eat for the last couple of days. I know that probably doesn’t matter, but I wanted you to know the truth. You’ve been like a sister to me over the years, and I’m closer to Doris than I am to my own mother . . . It breaks my heart to think that I hurt you or even to think that I might have played a part in what Alvin was doing. I am so sorry. You’ll never know how sorry I am for what happened.”
When she finished, silence settled between them. Rachel had spoken without pause, and the effort seemed to have drained her. The tissue was in tatters, small pieces raining onto the floor, and Rachel bent over to pick them up. As she did, Lexie tried to figure out whether Rachel’s story diminished her responsibility, and how she wanted to respond. She was ambivalent. She felt justified in telling Rachel that she never wanted to see her again, but overpowering her anger was a growing sense of sympathy. She knew that Rachel was flighty and jealous, insecure and occasionally irresponsible, but she also knew that betrayal wasn’t in her nature. Lexie sensed that she’d been telling the truth when she said she had no idea what Alvin had been up to.
Nicholas Sparks Page 17
