Royally Screwed: A British Bad Boy Romance

by Jessica Ashe

  “What?” I looked down to make sure I didn’t have a nipple showing. “Can I get some help?”

  Ellie shook her head and ran over to tie me up. “Sorry, honey. I just can’t believe how perfect you look.”

  “If you dare say I look fit for a prince, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.”

  “She’s right,” Dani said. “You look stunning. George won’t be able to keep his hands off you.”

  My heart skipped a beat, as I imagined George reaching behind my neck and undoing the strap, before watching my dress fall to the floor.

  “I should try on some more,” I said quickly. “This might not be the right one.”

  It might be too perfect.

  “You’re buying that dress,” Ellie insisted. “And I very much suggest you buy some sexy undies to go with it, because you won’t be sleeping alone once George sees you in that.”

  “Screw that, you should go commando,” Dani said. “You can’t beat that feeling.”

  “I can’t get married without any panties on.”

  George would love it though. He’d be drooling all day. Then the second we were alone, he’d have me up against the wall, devouring me with his lips like he had done a few nights ago. This time he wouldn’t stop at my nipples.

  “I guess I could buy this one,” I said with feigned reluctance. “Now you two get your dresses sorted out.”

  “Shall we go to Ann Summers after for some panties?” Ellie asked.

  “No, I’m good.”

  Perhaps I didn’t need underwear after all. I never did like a visible panty line.

  Chapter Fourteen

  George

  The venue deserved a proper wedding, not a wedding of convenience. It might only be a registry hall, but the building was old and beautiful. Yorkshire had history everywhere you looked, so I’d always walked past this building without giving it a second thought. However, when you truly stopped and looked, the beauty was impossible to miss. White marble pillars adorned the entrance, and the small set of steps leading up to the old door carried a surprising amount of grandeur.

  Inside, the building was cramped, and the furniture was cheap, but the art on the walls, and the pictures of couples married hundreds of years ago, all lent a weight of authenticity.

  Despite all that, we were able to squeeze in a wedding ceremony at short notice. People really didn’t appreciate what was right on their own doorstep.

  “How do I look?”

  I spun around and came face-to-face with the blushing bride.

  Speaking of things that deserve better than a wedding of convenience.

  Given the circumstances of the wedding, Sophia and I had agreed to forego all the formalities and traditions, but once she’d brought Ellie and Dani in on the plan, that all went out the window.

  The girls insisted I not see Sophia on the morning of the wedding—which was quite easy to manage given that we weren’t sleeping together—and I hadn’t been allowed to see the dress.

  Sophia had picked out a light green dress with a ruched bottom and sweetheart cut at the top. She looked more like a prom queen than a bride, but that was just fine with me. That was one American tradition I could definitely get behind.

  “You look radiant,” I replied.

  “That’s how you describe a pregnant woman.”

  “Okay, then you’re glowing.”

  “Also how you describe a pregnant woman. Do I look fat in this?”

  “You look stunning,” I insisted. I looked down at the silver chain necklace supporting an emerald gem that hung tantalizingly just above her breasts.

  “Eyes up, mister.”

  “Just admiring the necklace.”

  “Actually, with the amount of effort it took to get my tits into this thing, you might as well stare at them.”

  “Well, if you insist.”

  The one problem with a registry office wedding was that you basically had to wait in line. It was already midday—our allocated start time—but apparently weddings were like doctor’s appointments. You had to arrive on time even though the doctor was always running three appointments behind.

  This didn’t feel right. I’d always thought of weddings as being pointless, and Sophia and I had always talked about this as being just a legal arrangement. Which it was. In theory.

  However, it was hard to think about the theory when I had the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on standing next to me. She can’t have ever imagined this would be how her wedding day went down. Just because I hated the damn things, didn’t mean I was completely oblivious to the fantasy of the perfect wedding.

  Sophia had two friends with her, but no family members. She wore a lovely dress, but it wasn’t white. The location was great, but she deserved a large church or cathedral. We could have had a grand royal wedding if we wanted to. Streets would have been closed, and the country would have had the day off work. Instead, we were waiting in the hallway of a registry office.

  Had I rushed her into the decision? My proposal at the coffee shop had been a little abrupt, but she’d been leaning towards saying yes anyway. Plus, this benefited both of us. Sophia had confessed that she wanted a visa. This way she got to stay in the country after her degree, and I got to inherit a small fortune.

  But still…

  “It’s not too late to back out,” I whispered in Sophia’s ear. “I can take the blame if you want.”

  “Are you having second thoughts?”

  “No, not at all. But if you are… well, I just don’t want you too feel under any pressure to do this.”

  “There’s no pressure. It’s just a piece of paper. My life won’t be any different tomorrow.”

  “Actually, you’ll be a princess and potentially a future Queen of England.”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Small change.”

  “I can live with it.”

  I couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across my face. If anyone saw us, we would look like a genuine couple in love and ready to spend the rest of their lives together.

  Sophia started fiddling with her breasts, so I looked over her shoulder and caught Ellie’s eye. Ellie had been cool about this entire thing. She was close to Sophia, but she wasn’t a crazy, overprotective friend. That might have lulled me into a false sense of security, because looking at Ellie now, I knew that if I hurt Sophia there would be hell to pay. I also knew I would never do that, and not because I was scared of Ellie. Well, not just because I was scared of Ellie.

  The staircase creaked as a couple walked down the stairs hand in hand, followed by a flock of bridesmaids, men in suits, and women hidden under big hats. They were all so caught up in the wedding that they walked right past us and out of the door without so much as a glance in our direction. That was how it should be.

  A few minutes later, our minister walked halfway down the stairs and called out for us to follow him.

  “Here goes,” I said to Sophia, trying my best to give a reassuring smile.

  “Hang on,” Ellie yelled out. “George, you need to go up first, and then we need to walk behind Sophia and hold up her train.”

  “I don’t have a train,” Sophia argued. “You’re just going to be holding up my skirt and getting an eyeful of my ass.”

  “We’re doing it anyway,” Ellie insisted, as her and Dani got in position.

  “I think I’d like to stand behind her as well,” I suggested. “Sounds like there’s a great view.”

  “Get up those stairs, George,” Dani snapped.

  “Christ, I knew married life would involve being bossed around, but I’d assumed that would be coming from the missus.”

  I jogged up the stairs and introduced myself to the minister.

  “Oh wow,” he said, when he shook my hand. “I’d seen the names on the calendar, but I assumed someone was playing a joke. It’s really you.”

  “It’s really me.”

  “Didn’t think I’d ever conduct a royal wedding.”

  “Did
n’t think I’d ever be in one.”

  Our conversation ended with the ear-splitting noise of a northern girl and a welsh girl screeching “here comes the bride” at the tops of their already loud voices.

  “You’re definitely going to remember this one,” I said to the registrar, who looked like he was on the verge of putting his hands over his ears.

  He’d remember it, and so would I. The top floor of the building was a large open space which had probably once been a large attic, but now had a small archway and a modest amount of chairs for guests. Technically, we could have just sat down at a table, said a few words and signed the paperwork, but Ellie had insisted we at least make it look vaguely like a real wedding. Neither Sophia nor I had put up much of a fight. That still surprised me.

  I blocked out the noise—I mean singing—and focused on Sophia as she appeared at the top of the stairs and walked towards me. Regardless of my feelings for marriage, I couldn’t help but be moved at the sight of her walking slowly in that dress with Ellie and Dani picking up the rear.

  It’s not real, I reminded myself. It’s a legal requirement, and it means nothing.

  So why was I nervous? Grooms were supposed to be nervous on their wedding days, but that was because they were in love. And stupid. The two usually went hand in hand.

  “Please join hands,” the registrar said. I took Sophia’s hands in mine. It had been many years since the act of holding hands had ever been a thing to set my heart racing, but that’s what was happening now. “George, we’ll start with you. Please repeat after me.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Sophia

  It was all over in three minutes. A bit like the night I lost my virginity, except not as painful and my friends hadn’t been watching that night. I hoped not, anyway.

  “So that’s it?” I asked. “We’re married?”

  “Not quite,” the registrar explained. “You still need to sign a paper to make it all legal.”

  He ushered us over to a table in the corner where the paperwork lay out ready for us to sign. This bit scared me more than the ceremony. Ellie and Dani putting on a fuss had been so over-the-top for the occasion, that I’d found the entire thing more comical than serious. Until I’d reached the altar, at least.

  The second George took my hands into his, my heart started fluttering wildly and inconsistently, and I suddenly felt rather nauseous. I told myself it wasn’t real again and again, but when I’d had to repeat the vows to George, they’d sounded real enough.

  But then it had all ended. Now there was just the simple matter of committing fraud as the first step towards getting a visa to live in England. None of this seemed to bother Ellie and Dani, who happily signed the document as witnesses to this whole affair.

  “Okay, congratulations,” the registrar said. “You are now husband and wife.”

  “Photo time,” Ellie screamed loudly. “Get together you two. Sophia, kiss him on the cheek.”

  I pressed my lips up to George’s cheek, but made sure not to actually make a kissing motion. If there was no noise it wasn’t a real kiss.

  “George, do the same to Sophia.”

  George placed his lips on my cheek, but there was definitely a noise this time.

  “Come on,” Dani pleaded. “You’re not cousins. Look like you care.”

  George squeezed up close to me and placed his hand on my thigh. It would have been an innocent enough gesture between husband and wife, but I felt like he shouldn’t be touching me that way in public. Contact from George sent a heat coursing through my body, and made me want to be somewhere private. No doubt I’d be bright red in this photo.

  Our lips touched and we held the pose for five seconds while Ellie and Dani took photos. This time it was definitely a kiss.

  Ten minutes ago, I’d been a single lady—now I was officially married to a man who would soon be recognized as a prince. That made me a woman about to be confirmed as a princess. It was a lot to take in for an American girl from a small town in California.

  George and I walked down the stairs hand-in-hand, and headed straight to a small park across the street. I stuck to the path because my heels would be instantly lost in the grass, and I’d end up on my ass in no time at all. Going commando, that could be a big problem.

  “I need to go make a quick call,” George said. “See you soon, wifey.” He smiled awkwardly and kissed me on the cheek, before disappearing around the corner.

  “I can’t believe someone’s made an honest woman out of you,” Ellie joked.

  “I don’t know if ‘honest’ is the best word to use, given the circumstances.”

  “Good point. But I’m still jealous.”

  “There’s nothing to be jealous about,” I insisted. “We’ll be divorced in six months.”

  “I hope you’re at least going to enjoy your wedding night,” Dani said. “You can’t let a man like that go to waste. I don’t know about the whole fraudulent visa thing, but I know that not screwing George would be criminal.”

  “She’s right,” Ellie added. “Besides, isn’t it a legal requirement to consummate the marriage?”

  “I very much doubt it. Look, I didn’t mind you making a big deal of the wedding, but now we need to get back to normality. I’m still a student with coursework to complete.”

  “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that,” Dani said. “You’re going to be a public figure. There’s no way you can just go back to living a normal life now. There will be parties, fundraisers, art galleries to open, and all that other bullshit.”

  “You make being a princess sound difficult,” Ellie said.

  “It is,” Dani replied. “I wouldn’t do it. I enjoy my freedom too much. I want to be able to shag who I want, when I want. I definitely don’t want the press recording my every move. Mind you, for George I would be tempted.”

  “That’s why George doesn’t want to become a prince,” I pointed out. “He enjoys his freedom.” Which for him, meant screwing as many women as possible. For some reason, I couldn’t get all that excited about helping him achieve that particular goal.

  “You’ll still have freedom,” Ellie said. “It’s not like it was in the olden days. Royals are just celebrities, really. Sure, it’s a bitch to have no privacy, but you’re also rich and famous. That has to be good.”

  “You’re forgetting that this is temporary. It’ll be over before you know it.”

  “All the more reason to enjoy those six months of fame. Speaking of which, when are you going to come out as a married couple? You won’t be able to keep this secret for long. Someone’s going to tip off the press.”

  “I think that’s what George is discussing now with his friend. I guess this means I’m going to have to tell my mom soon.”

  “You haven’t told your Mom?” Ellie screeched. “My God, she’s going to go mad.”

  “Yep, probably. We haven’t spoken that much lately. She was furious at me for walking out on the wedding. The last one. There was lots of screaming and yelling, and we never really made up. We weren’t that close to begin with.”

  “That sucks,” Dani said.

  Dani and her mom were like sisters. Just a few days after I’d met Dani, I’d overheard her having a really explicit conversation about a couple of guys she’d slept with in the last month. I turned red just listening to the details, but I practically keeled over in shock when she said “bye, Mom” at the end.

  Mom and I were nowhere near that close, and I didn’t have any siblings. After the incident with Stan, I didn’t have many friends either—not ones I could count on anyway. Ellie and Dani more than made up for it though. Better to have two great friends than ten average ones.

  “Are you both heading back to school now?” I asked the girls.

  “It’s university, not school,” Ellie corrected. “You make us sound like sixteen year olds.”

  “I still don’t understand the difference, but whatever.”

  “I guess we should head back,” Ellie said. “I’m
getting hungry. Turns out being maid of honor is enough to work up an appetite.”

  “George suggested we all get lunch together if you fancy it?”

  “We could go to the pub on the corner?” Dani suggested. “They do a great roast.”

  “The cocktail selection sucks though,” Ellie pointed out.

  “True.”

  “It’s only just midday,” I pointed out. “Isn’t it a bit early for cocktails?”

  Ellie and Dani looked at each other and shook their heads. “You really haven’t adapted to the British way of life yet, have you?” Ellie asked. “Pubs open at eleven in the morning for a reason.”

  “Alright,” I said, holding up my hands. “But let’s go somewhere nice. George is paying.”

  “Oh, well why didn’t you say so,” Dani replied. “I know just the place.”

  “I thought you might. I’ll go hurry George up.”

  George had disappeared from sight, but he couldn’t have gone far. I hobbled over as quickly as I could in my high heels, and saw him standing on the corner of the park with his back to me.

  I slowed to a walk and called out his name, but he didn’t hear me. He sounded like he was finishing up his conversation anyway.

  “Let me know what she says,” George said to the person on the other end of the phone. “Good news, or bad news, I want to know.”

  I stood back to let him end the call. It was a bit early to be a nagging wife demanding all his time and attention.

  He muttered something else incomprehensible into the phone, and then a few more words that I did catch.

  “Okay, speak to you soon, Tabitha. Love you. Bye.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  George

  The news of our marriage had leaked out before we’d even left the pub after lunch. Ellie and Dani had jumped in a taxi to get back to university, but Sophia and I fled home where—despite me offering—we did not get to consummate the marriage.

  Sophia attempted to go to class once, but the media chaos stopped her even getting close to the lecture hall. After that, the university doubled down on security, but Sophia decided to take some time off from her studies. She’d catch up easily enough.