by Jessica Ashe
I couldn’t think ill of him any more, but deep down, I knew that Nick had partly brought this on himself. He’d been given the chances. I’d tried to save him, but it hadn’t been enough. Everything I’d done had been for nothing.
I found myself more angry than sad. That would pass; then I’d just be left with grief.
“Want to go get a drink?” I asked.
Tracy shook her head. “I can’t talk about Nick in a loud bar.”
“My place?”
She shook her head again. “Can we go back to mine?”
I agreed. Tracy had never liked spending the night at mine, because she didn’t like the neighborhood. I didn’t like hers much either, but that was because it felt sterile and dull. It was one of those areas that used to have style until it was gentrified with loads of new apartments and health food stores.
As we stepped out of the office, I saw Nora stretching on the mats getting ready for her training session. She was going to hate me for this, but I couldn’t worry about that now. I’d rather not be going back to Tracy’s apartment at all, but that seemed insignificant compared to Nick dying.
“Hey,” I said, standing behind Nora while she bent over trying to touch her toes.
“Hi. You ready for our session?” I caught her glance over my shoulder at Tracy who was waiting for me to leave, but she didn’t let any reaction appear on her face. Maybe she didn’t actually care.
“I need to cancel tonight. I’m sorry, but something came up.”
“Oh. Okay.”
I didn’t think I’d ever cancel on Nora, but I couldn’t be with her right now. I still felt like I was living a dream. Or a nightmare.
“I’ll make it up to you. Extra long lesson tomorrow.”
“All right.”
Nora moved over to one of the treadmills, but I knew she hated running. She’d probably stop as soon as I left. I grabbed my gear from the locker room and headed back to Tracy’s apartment.
I deliberately didn’t look at Nora as I left. I knew she’d be hurt, and she had every right to be. That didn’t change the fact that right now I needed to be with Tracy.
But I would make it up to Nora. If she gave me a chance.
Chapter Nineteen
Nora
Tonight’s training session should have ended with another date.
We didn’t have any official plans, but another dinner felt inevitable. As did a night together for dessert.
It looked like only Riker had a date for the evening.
In all my thoughts about tonight, I didn’t once think that Riker would cancel our training session and walk off with another woman practically hanging off his arm.
Riker and I had been sharing glances all day. I’d look at him, while he was teaching his class and he would look at me when I was pretending to work out. Occasionally our eyes met, but neither of us let the look linger for too long, lest Duke or Gayle notice.
I’d seen attraction in his eyes. I’d been sure of it. I didn’t claim to be an expert on men, but at the very least, I thought I could recognize basic lust and desire. Apparently not.
I hit the treadmill, and turned the speed up as fast as I could handle. Normally, I found myself looking at the timer from the first minute until I reached a level where I felt comfortable quitting without feeling guilty.
This time I ran and ran and ran, until I’d done forty-five minutes and five miles. I spent the entire time thinking about Riker, and didn’t feel any better by the end of it.
Riker hadn’t asked me on a date, and now I had a horrible feeling I knew why. He’d already had one planned. Maybe they’d been dating for a while.
My dating experience was limited, and when I had done it, I’d been a traditionalist, only dating one person at a time. But I knew that wasn’t the way things were done these days.
Riker had every right to date more than one person at a time. I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t even be annoyed at him for it. I was more annoyed at myself for feeling so jealous about the whole situation.
I had no right to feel jealous. She was just some random woman, and for all I knew he was going on one final date with her to end the relationship before ours officially began.
Or maybe he would do that with me the next time we went out.
By the time I stepped off the treadmill, the sweat was dripping down my face, but I still had energy left. A month ago, I’d have struggled to get through five minutes of running, but all that training with Riker had done wonders for my stamina, and hanging around a gym meant I’d done more cardio than I’d realized.
Whereas usually a post-workout shower left me feeling as mentally refreshed as physically, this time it made little difference to my mood. I knew I was sulking and being childish, but I couldn’t help it.
Riker had aroused feelings in me that had been dormant for so long I’d almost forgotten they existed. Now he aroused a familiar feeling: despair. Not the same level of despair that I’d felt over my mom’s death, but it was the same emotion nonetheless. I hated it.
I tried to sneak out of the gym without bumping into Gayle and Duke, but I failed miserably. Duke had nothing better to do, so he was wandering aimlessly around the gym and headed over the second he saw me.
“Did Riker cancel the lesson tonight?” Duke asked.
“Yeah,” I replied casually. Or at least, I hoped it sounded casual. “He had another commitment.”
Duke frowned. “It’s not like Riker to bail out. Especially not the lessons with you; he loves them.”
“One missed lesson won’t hurt.”
“What’s he doing tonight?”
Who is he doing tonight? was probably the better question.
“I don’t know. He just left with someone. I don’t know who she was.”
“She? What did she look like?”
I shrugged, as if I didn’t have a crystal clear mental image of her in my head that had been haunting me for the last hour.
“Tall and thin. She turned up in a skirt and blouse, so she wasn’t here to use the gym. Just wanted to speak to Riker. I think they spoke in the office for a bit.”
“Blonde? Kind of looked like Shakira?”
I nodded, trying to repress a shudder as I acknowledged that I stood no chance next to her.
“Damn,” Duke muttered. “I’d hoped we’d seen the last of her.”
“You know her?” It must have been serious if Riker had introduced her to Duke.
“Sounds like Tracy. She’s an ex-girlfriend of Riker’s.”
“Ex?” I asked, focusing on the one positive piece of information instead of dwelling on the fact that Riker was now out with a former lover.
Were they hooking up? They might have kept a friend with benefits situation going after breaking up.
“The two of them split up a few months ago,” Duke explained. “She’s a nice enough girl, but I can’t deny being pleased when they went their separate ways.”
“Why’s that?”
“Riker’s close to Tracy’s brother, Nick, and he has been bad news over the years. Riker went out of his way to help the guy, but it never worked out.”
“Maybe that’s what tonight is about?” I asked. “An issue with the brother.”
Please say that’s what it is.
“Yeah, probably. God, I hope not though. Not after the last time.”
“The last time?”
“Nick… oh, it’s not my place to say. Riker will tell you when he’s ready. You two are close.”
I nodded, although I don’t think Duke had meant it as a question.
“Then he’ll tell you,” Duke said with confidence.
“I don’t mind either way. He’s just my trainer.”
Duke nodded, but his grin made it clear he didn’t believe me.
“I hope you’re not going home without a workout?” he asked.
“I ran for miles.”
“Running’s just a warm up exercise. You need to fight. I’ll see if anyone else is a
round to teach you for a bit.”
“No,” I said quickly. Riker might be out with another woman, but if I trained with someone else, I’d still feel like I was cheating on him.
“Tell you what, let’s go down to the cage and spar for real.”
“I’m not ready for that,” I replied. “I wouldn’t know what to do in a cage.”
“That’s why we need to get you down there. Gotta practice at some point. Besides, unless I’m very much mistaken, you look like you need to hit something right now. Am I right?”
One hundred percent.
“I suppose I have some energy to burn off.”
Duke knew exactly what I needed in that moment. For the first time since I’d started training, I fought like a fighter. I landed punch after punch with an aggression that slightly scared me, but Duke egged me on all the way.
We didn’t stop until Duke needed a rest. He was in better shape than I’d expected for someone of his age and size, but he could only take so many punches.
“Thanks,” I said to Duke. “I needed that.”
“Yeah, I could tell. Want me to give you a lift home?”
“No, I could do with the walk tonight.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow?”
“Unless Riker cancels again,” I joked.
My prevailing thought as I walked home, was that I wanted to talk to Alison. I should have told her about Riker from the start. At least that way I would have someone to vent my anger on right now. She’d always been a great listener and a much better friend than I had been to her over the years.
Alison would know why Riker had me in such a mess. My experience with men over the last few years had been limited. I’d been with boyfriends, but I’d always played it safe. Good matches on paper that didn’t raise any eyebrows. They just didn’t do much else for me.
The second I started telling Alison about Riker, she’d know it was serious from the tone of my voice. Just the fact that I was talking to her about a man would give it away. Previous break-ups had been solved over a glass of wine, a movie, and some ice cream.
I’d only been on one date with Riker, but I already knew it would take a lot more than alcohol and comfort food to move past him.
A lot more.
Chapter Twenty
Riker
In all the times I’d been to Tracy’s apartment, I’d never seen it anything other than immaculate. Not today.
She hadn’t cleaned up in days, and had resorted to take-out and microwave meals, with the containers still lying around on the table.
Old photo albums were on the sofa from where she no doubt had been looking at old pictures of Nick. I was probably in a good deal of them as well. We’d rarely been apart as kids up until the age of about seventeen. Then we’d drifted apart. Me spending five years in prison hadn’t exactly helped.
I needed to know what happened, but at the same time, I knew it wouldn’t do any good. Nick was dead; what difference did it make how it happened?
“You want a drink?” Tracy asked.
“Whiskey.”
“I don’t have any alcohol in the house,” Tracy replied.
I grimaced as I remembered the battle Tracy had fought with her drinking problem while we’d been together. She’d always liked a drink, but then I did as well, so it took me a while to notice that I rarely saw her sober.
Eventually, she gave booze up completely, and now she was a bit of a health freak, even by my standards. Alcohol was still my one vice; everyone needed a sin to indulge in.
“Sorry,” I muttered. “I’ll just have a green tea then.”
Tracy made the drinks, while I took in the changes to her apartment since we’d stopped dating. The pictures of us together had largely disappeared except for the ones where Nick was in the photo as well.
The furniture had been moved around a bit, but Tracy was always messing around with that depending on the season, position of the stars, or whatever other nonsense she’d read online that week. She was remarkably intelligent, but that didn’t stop her from following a lot of crap if it came from someone with a Ph.D.
Tracy handed me a drink and we sat down on the small sofa. I did my best to keep a distance between us, but there wasn’t a lot of room. Our legs weren’t touching, but I could already see her inching closer, desperate for physical comfort from me.
“What happened with Nick?” I asked. “The last time I saw him he was in good shape.”
“And when was that? Six months ago? Nine?”
I nodded. More like a year. Time had gone so quickly, and it’s not like Nick had reached out to me either.
“Things were awkward the last time we spoke,” I admitted. “Ever since I got out of prison, things haven’t been the same between us.”
And now they never will be.
“He’d been on a downward slope for years,” Tracy said, less anger in her voice now. “At first, there was just the one-off fight, or a slap on the wrist from the police. Then there were arrests, but the charges never stuck. He got shot once.”
“When?” I asked. I may not have been a huge part of Nick’s life over the last few years, but I would have remembered if he’d been shot.
“While you were in prison. That’s why he didn’t come to visit you for a few months. He didn’t want you to know.”
There were quite a few spells where Nick hadn’t been to visit me, but I didn’t tell Tracy. I’d put it down to guilt on Nick’s part, but it still infuriated me. I’d spent many nights in prison wondering where the hell he was. After everything I’d done for him…
“Me going to prison should have been a wake up call,” I said tersely.
Now it was my turn to be angry. I knew it was only temporary. The anger would fade, but the guilt never would.
“You did a lot for him,” Tracy said. “But Nick never asked for your help. He didn’t want you to go to prison for him. I think that tore him up even more.”
“So me taking the rap for him is why he’s dead? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No, no of course not.” Tracy reached out and put a hand on my leg. She wasn’t crying anymore, but I sensed she was only barely keeping it all together.
The last person I should be angry at right now was a grieving sister, but I couldn’t help it. I’d done everything I could to help Nick, but all my sacrifices had been in vain. Tracy might be right. Nick would have been better off going to jail in my place. If he had done, he might be alive today.
“Who killed him?” I asked. I couldn’t bring Nick back, but I could damn sure see that his killer got what was coming to him.
“Who the hell knows?” Tracy replied. “I doubt even the killer knows. There was a big shootout. Nick’s crew started it as far as I can tell. A kid on the other side died as well. No doubt there will be more deaths to follow as they all try to get justice, but...”
Tracy shook her head, but didn’t continue talking. Tracy had escaped the poverty of our neighborhood by working hard at school and going to a good college. She now earned decent money, and had tried to use it to help Nick, but some people just didn’t want saving.
God knows I’d tried.
“I did everything I could,” Tracy mumbled, fighting back the tears now. “I’m sure I did.”
I knew those words well, and I knew what they meant. She was trying to convince herself. Trying not to feel guilty. I hoped she had more success with that than I’d had.
“You couldn’t have saved him,” I pointed out, talking to myself as much as to Tracy.
I spent five years in jail for him, and that didn’t help either. Five fucking years of my life, and for what? So he could go back to his old ways and end up getting shot?
I didn’t even notice Tracy rest her head on my shoulder until she snuggled up against me and wrapped an arm around my waist.
This couldn’t happen. I already found it hard enough losing Nick. I didn’t want to lose Nora too.
“Can you stay tonight?” Tracy asked. “I really do
n’t want to be by myself.”
A friend would have said yes in a heartbeat, but Tracy and I weren’t friends, no matter what we’d agreed when splitting up. We were former lovers, and that was it. I hadn’t missed her since she’d been out of my life and if it weren’t for Nick we might never have seen each other again.
“I should go home,” I replied.
Tracy squeezed me tightly in response. “I don’t want you to go. We don’t have to get too carried away. It would just be good to have someone to snuggle up to in bed.”
Tough love seemed like the best approach right now.
I took hold of her hand and pulled it off my waist, before standing up and leaving her looking despondent on the couch.
“I need to leave.”
“Fucking hell, Riker. My brother’s just died. And he’s your best friend. Or at least, he was. Can’t you just put our history behind us for one night. I just need a friend.”
“I can’t be the friend that you snuggle up to in bed. We both know what happens when we get in bed together. I’m not going to get back into this mess because of what happened with Nick. That won’t help anyone.”
“Fine,” Tracy folded her arms and looked away from me. “Get out of here then. One of us needs to grieve.”
I didn’t have the energy to argue. It wouldn’t have done any good anyway. Tracy knew I would grieve too; I just didn’t want to do it with her in my arms.
Just being here felt like I was betraying Nora. Spending the night with Tracy would definitely be a betrayal. I wouldn’t be able to look Nora in the eyes again.
“Let me know about the funeral.”
“Sure you can be bothered to attend? Wouldn’t want things getting complicated.”
I was used to Tracy acting immature and petty, but it really stung this time. She was going to the heart of the guilt that had been keeping me awake at night for years. Had I done enough to save Nick?
I’d gone to prison for him, but since my release, we’d barely kept in touch. If I’d been there for him… He probably still would have died, but I couldn’t know for sure. That uncertainty was going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
