by Melissa Hill
“Well, now that you say it, Kate, I really can’t say whether I would or I wouldn’t have. The thing about being drunk is that you’re not really yourself – you don’t really know what you would or wouldn’t do in that state.” She tried not to sound so touchy but Kate’s callous attitude was getting to her.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake.”
“Kate, I don’t know, OK? You’re not in this situation, so it’s easy for you to sit here and judge. I can’t say categorically that no matter how drunk I was, or no matter what situation I was in, I would never, ever cheat on Josh. Things aren’t that simple.” Sick of Kate’s prodding, by now her voice was shaking with anger.
Leah didn’t need Kate to point out Josh’s betrayal: she was trying her best to make sense of all of this, was trying to come to terms with how, if he loved her, Josh could cheat on her.
It was a mistake coming here tonight, she thought. Kate could only ever see things in black and white – for her, grey just didn’t exist in any colour chart. Yet things weren’t always black and white – rarely if ever.
Olivia broke the silence. “Everyone has moments of madness and can do things they wouldn’t normally dream of doing. Some people aren’t as strong as you are, Kate. I think that, yes, Josh did make a big mistake but he’s well aware of it.”
“There’s something else,” Leah said, refusing to look at Kate. “He told me that the night of the launch party, he was planning to propose.” She paused, trying to blink back the tears. It was this admission that had got to her the most. “But once he met up with her he …”
“Changed his mind?” Kate cut in and, seeing how much her remark stung, softened her tone. “Look, I’m sorry – I’m not trying to hurt you. But even you have to admit that it was a bit convenient of him to mention this when he was looking for forgiveness.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Josh never once asked me for forgiveness, he never once tried to explain his guilt away. All he asked was that I understand that he loves me and that he made a big mistake. He seemed to accept that he had messed things up and he didn’t ask me to take him back.”
People did make mistakes, didn’t they? And didn’t some couples go on after infidelity? Didn’t they work even harder as a result? Didn’t they forgive and forget?
She looked at Olivia for some assistance. “Surely you can understand this?”
Olivia nodded. “From what you’re telling us, I think Josh behaved pretty admirably since – OK, besides the fact that he cheated on you,” she added, seeing Kate shake her head in exasperation. “But at the end of the day, you’re the one that knows him best. You said before that you feel like you know him inside out. Do you believe that he is genuinely sorry for what has happened? Do you believe him when he says that he loves you, that he’s always loved you and that he simply made a mistake? Do you think you can forgive and forget?”
Leah was silent for a moment. Those were the questions she’d been asking herself these last few days and she knew in her heart of hearts that her answer was of utmost importance.
“Do you think you can forgive him?” Olivia asked again.
It took Leah an age to speak. Then …
“I don’t know … I … think so,” she answered hoarsely.
“Oh, come on!” Kate put her head in her hands in blatant disbelief. “Olivia’s hardly the best person to be giving advice, is she?”
Leah frowned. “Kate, that’s not fair – this is about me.”
In fairness, Olivia didn’t seem too disturbed by Kate’s comment, but as she turned to answer, Leah noticed her hands were tightly clasped together.
“Despite what you might think, Kate,” Olivia said, her tone measured and calm, “I have no problems with forgiveness – in fact, I think it’s good for the soul. Leah’s entitled to ask my opinion and I’m entitled to give it.”
Kate sniffed, annoyed at what she perceived as her friends’ weakness. “You two are unbelievable. Is there anything you wouldn’t forgive, Olivia? Oh, and speaking of which, I see our old buddy Robin is finally returning to the fold too, fresh from making money out of other people’s problems. Typical, wouldn’t you say? Here’s an idea, Leah, why don’t you ask Robin how to deal with this? I’m sure she’d only be too delighted to give you advice – before of course, turning around and stabbing you in the back.”
Leah shook her head sadly. “I really thought that motherhood might soften you up a bit, Kate, but no, you’re the same unforgiving, grudge-bearer you’ve always been, aren’t you?”
“What? I’ve only ever tried to stick up for you two – can’t you see that?”
Kate just couldn’t comprehend that sometimes people made mistakes, that it was inevitable, human nature, a simple fact of life. “It’s not your fight, Kate – it was never your fight. We’re not in college any more, and things are bad enough without your judgmental attitude.”
“I can’t help it if I don’t like to see my friends get walked over.”
Leah tried to speak evenly – otherwise she knew Kate would really go off on them. “I know that, but unfortunately you can’t impose your will on your friends, and you certainly can’t fight our battles for us either.”
“But Josh really let you down …” Kate slumped further in her chair.
“I know he let me down, but I let him down too, can’t you understand that? That’s why I’m so confused, that’s why I can’t trust my own feelings on the subject.” Her expression softened. “But Kate, when I ask for advice, I’m looking for advice, not recrimination.”
“Recrima wha’?” Kate said, but she seemed to have calmed down a little. “Look, I’m sorry. I just care about you, and I hate to see you upset.” She glanced at Olivia. “You too.”
“It’s OK, in a way I can understand what you’re saying. But you can’t keep harping back to the past and really, Kate, that crack about Robin was uncalled for.”
“What? I can’t believe you sometimes! How long are you going to keep defending her, forgiving her for turning out to be the most selfish, disloyal, unfeeling –”
“She was thousands of miles away,” Olivia interjected calmly. “It would have been impossible – ”
“It’s not too impossible for her to come home to promote her crappy book though, is it? Such a cheek. And yet she wouldn’t dream of coming home for something as unimportant and inconsequential as a funeral.”
“That was all a long time ago,” Olivia said, “and I’ve forgotten all about it – I’ve let it go, so why can’t you?”
“Because I just can’t,” Kate cried, and Leah was taken aback by how strongly she felt about it – still. “I can’t forgive her for that. So much for our grand reunion, so much for figuring out what would happen to one another. We all know what happened to Robin, so good at playing the shy innocent in college – the one we all had to look out for because of her and her blasted peanut allergy.”
“Don’t you think that maybe Robin’s suffered too?” Leah asked. “When was the last time you spoke to her? What – five, six years?”
“I have nothing to say to her, not now, not ever and certainly not when she comes over here on her ‘rub our noses in it’ tour.”
“Kate, that’s crazy,” Olivia said, laying a soothing hand on her arm. “You shouldn’t carry that kind of hate around with you. There’s no point. Robin is Robin and,” she shrugged, “I’m sure she has her own regrets about not coming back that time. Anyway, that’s not why we’re here. There’s no point in getting upset and arguing amongst ourselves over what Robin should or shouldn’t have done. It’s in the past. And we have to let it go.”
Still, Leah wondered then, as she listened to her friend trying to convince Kate to forgive and forget, would Olivia – the strongest and most magnanimous person she had ever known – be so willing to do that herself, once she came face to face with Robin again?
48
It had been seven long years since she’d seen the place, and still Robin didn’t miss it. Too many ba
d memories, she supposed, looking tentatively around the arrivals area of Dublin airport. Too many painful reminders of everything that had gone wrong in her life since university, and not enough positives to balance things out. Still, it would have been nice to have had the time to go home to Waterford this weekend, she thought, but because this would be a very short stay, her mum was traveling up on the train to visit her.
Having obtained the obligatory shin-bashing from the golf-club brigade at the carousel, which really helped her mood, Robin eventually claimed her luggage and made her way through customs. She paused slightly before coming through to the arrivals area. Would she recognise anyone? Worse – would anyone recognise her? Oh, come off it! she admonished herself. Who do you think you are – Madonna? Of course no-one would recognise her – no one knew she was here yet, did they?
Two weeks ago, Leah had been on the phone giving her hell for not letting her know.
“I can’t believe you wouldn’t tell me something like this,” she’d said, and by her tone Robin knew that she was genuinely hurt. She felt bad about not telling her, but it was all happening so fast, and around the time of the Nickelodeon deal, Leah had emailed Robin, informing her that she’d just broken up with Josh.
“Oh, Leah, of course I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t think it would be right for me to say: ‘You know, I’m very sorry that your heart is broken and that you’re going through hell – but I really have to tell you that I’ve just landed myself a major publishing deal.’ What would you have done?”
To her surprise, Leah laughed. “I see your point. And sorry for being such a Moany Minnie.”
“Oh for goodness’ sake, how many times did I moan down the phone to you over the years?”
“Well, plenty, now that you say it, but not since you met Ben. How are things going there by the way?”
Again, Robin wasn’t quite sure what to say. Surely the last thing Leah needed to hear was that she and Ben were planning on buying a house and settling down. Particularly when, not too long ago, Leah and her boyfriend had been making the very same plans.
“He’s fine,” was all she said.
“And is he coming home with you? Oh, I really can’t believe you’re coming back.”
Robin couldn’t quite bring herself to match her excitement. “No – he has to work – not to mention the fact that this trip has been sprung on us a bit.”
“‘Robin takes publishing world by storm’, eh?”
“Believe me, Leah, I’m as stunned by all the fuss as you are.”
“So when are you coming home then?”
Robin hesitated. She’d have to see her – she wanted to see her, but if seeing Leah meant seeing anyone else, well …
“It isn’t finalised but probably soon. They want to ‘strike while the iron’s hot’, or some such.”
Leah chuckled. “Poor Amanda is inconsolable that you’ll be appearing on TV. You do know that’s her life-long dream, don’t you?”
Robin nodded, remembering. “Well, she could go on instead if she likes. A rabbit caught in the headlights will have nothing on me.” Her heart sank as once again it hit home to her how close and involved in one another’s lives her old college friends still seemed to be.
“You’ll be great.”
“So,” Robin tried to make her voice sound casual, but her heart was hammering, “have the others heard about all this or –?”
“Of course they’ve heard about it – it’s the best bit of gossip we’ve had in years.” Leah enthused. “Amanda’s green with envy obviously, but she did say to pass on her congratulations. Olivia’s pleased for you, and Kate well, of course Kate’s delighted too.” She hid it well but nevertheless Robin picked up on Leah’s hesitation. She wasn’t too surprised. True to form, Kate had obviously never forgiven her for not returning home for the funeral.
“And, Olivia – how’s she doin’?” Robin asked carefully. “You know, I never did get round to ringing her, I have her number somewhere but –”
“How’s she doin’?’” Leah mimicked in an exaggerated New York drawl. “You sound like Tony Soprano. And you’re telling me that Ballyhooley Ben lost his accent?”
“It’s Ballymoney actually, and believe me, that’s nothing compared to him.”
“Mmm, we’ll see about that when you come home,” Leah replied and again, Robin’s heart plummeted. “But yes, Olivia’s ‘doin’’ fine. Very fine, actually.” Robin could hear the smile in her voice. “She’s starting seeing this lovely guy, Matt. It’s early days but he’s a dote, and they seem really well suited. He’s a single parent too.”
Robin was so stunned by this she could barely speak. “Really?” she answered, afraid that Leah might notice. She really didn’t think Olivia would ever –
“Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. I honestly didn’t think she’d find anyone else after Peter either. But it’s been years now and – time to move on, I suppose.”
“Well, good on her,” But Robin was still amazed. Olivia adored Peter – there had never been anyone else other than him, and she clearly remembered her vowing that there never would be. This Matt must be pretty special.
“But I’m sure you’ll meet them all again soon,” Leah said airily.
“Well, I hope so but the schedule is pretty hectic, and I might not have much time …” Robin left it at that, unwilling to make any concrete arrangements to see Leah, let alone ‘them all’.
Now, sitting in a taxi and heading towards her city-centre hotel, Robin wondered what lay ahead. She thought back to the last time they had all been together, just days before graduation, back before they went out into the big bad world, and everything went a little crazy. They had been so confident, so cheerful so optimistic about life. They all knew where they were going, and what they wanted to do, and despite their petty little differences, were so sure that they would honour their reunion, so sure that the friendship would stay the same forever.
Didn’t any of them, Robin thought, feeling a curious mixture of sadness and regret as they drove along O’Connell Street, realise how naïve they had been?
49
The morning of her thirtieth birthday was bright and sunny, and Leah tried her utmost to feel the same. Thanks to Olivia’s insistence that she mark the occasion in some small way, she was actually starting to look forward to the celebrations the following night. She’d booked a table at her favourite Thai restaurant, and was anticipating a nice cosy dinner with Olivia, Kate and their respective partners. Josh, the previous week, had moved all his belongings out of the apartment, and Leah was beginning to come to terms with the fact that it was well and truly over.
So, it might not have been the best idea to invite some loved-up couples when all it would do is painfully highlight her single status, but blast it, it would do her good to get out and have a laugh with her friends. Thirty was a landmark birthday after all, and despite the fact that she hadn’t had all that much to celebrate lately, she was damned if she was going to let it pass without event.
“Not true,” Olivia had said defiantly when Leah was bemoaning the fact the other day. “What about Elysium? Isn’t your talent and your success something to celebrate?”
Ever the optimist, Olivia was right. Yes, her love-life was a disaster, but at least she still had her dream. But at what cost? the little voice inside piped up and, instantly, something tightened in Leah’s stomach. She waved the thought away and went back to getting out this morning’s batch of white chocolate and blueberry specials. Think positive.
Just before lunchtime, the telephone rang.
“Lee, don’t kill me but I think I’m going to have to give the dinner a miss tomorrow night.” On the other end of the phone, Kate’s pleading tone was palpable.
“What? Why?” Leah was taken aback. “What’s going on?”
“Well, it’s Dylan,” Kate answered. “He’s running a bit of a fever and I’m afraid to leave him, just in case.”
“Oh.” OK, Leah thought, trying to be r
ational. A sick child was a perfectly decent excuse for crying off on your heartbroken friend’s only hope of a social life – a very good excuse actually. But without Kate and Michael, she couldn’t possibly expect Olivia and poor Matt to travel up to Dublin to baby-sit her on her birthday. That would be pathetic. Then she thought of something.
“But what about Michael?” she asked reasonably. “Couldn’t he keep an eye on him tomorrow night? And surely he will have improved by then?” Problem solved, she thought. Actually, a girls-only night was probably a better idea. Then again, considering that their last two attempts at a girls-only night had ended badly, the first with Kate cancelling, and the second with the three of them arguing, it might not be the best idea after all.
But there was a silence on the other end of the phone and, instantly, Leah realised she had said the wrong thing, although she wasn’t exactly sure what.
“I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it, Leah,” Kate said shortly. “Perhaps he will be better by then but I’d still be worrying about him all night.”
Disappointment coursed through Leah as she tried desperately to see things from her friend’s point of view but failed miserably. It wasn’t as though it was a competition or anything – after all, she was Kate’s friend, but Dylan was her son and Leah would never expect Kate to choose her over him. Yet, Kate had been the very one to admit that he wasn’t exactly at death’s door, that he was just ‘running a bit of a fever’ – so why all the drama? Michael could keep an eye on him – after all, he was equally responsible for Dylan’s welfare, wasn’t he?
“I’m sorry, Leah, you know how it is.” As far as Kate was concerned the conversation was over. The choice had been made. Broken-hearted friend, baby with a slight fever? No contest.
“Yes, I do.” She tried to keep the almost unbearable disappointment out of her voice. She’d be there for Kate, wouldn’t she? In fact, she had been there for Kate, many times over the years, helping her nurse every broken heart, letting her cry on her shoulder and then going out and getting rip-roaring drunk in order to forget about which ‘him’ happened to be the problem. Did motherhood mean that was the end of all that then?
