by Cathryn Hein
She sat on the edge, her legs dangling over a precipice that plunged straight into one of the hill’s collapsed side vents. It was here she and Josh used to sit, basking in the morning sun, talking about the world. Where she’d smiled at his hopes and dreams and then come to the conclusion that they were too little for someone of her name.
She glanced to her side. Even now, after all this time, the crudely carved heart remained. She traced her fingers over the letters within: EWJ L JS. At the time they’d thought the whole thing childish. Carving a love heart with your initials inside was something a thirteen-year-old would do, but that hadn’t stopped them doing it. It was their mark on their special place. Permanent, like Josh had thought their love was.
Em stared at the dimming sky and wondered if perhaps it could be again.
Em observed Josh from behind the kitchen bench as she set out plates. Beer in hand, he stood relaxed in front of the fire, chatting to Digby and Felicity as they leaned into one another on the couch. She wished she hadn’t been so cavalier in ordering her guests away from the kitchen. Her afternoon with Dig and Felicity, their love bright-hot, had left Em feeling uncharacteristically needy for Josh’s company.
His football game had left its mark. His cheekbone was bruised where an opponent had misjudged a punch at the ball and caught his face instead. The deepening colour gave him the air of a warrior returned from battle, weary but sexy in his ruggedness, and Em tried to lock the image in her mind for future use.
Em wasn’t sure what she’d expected of Josh’s reaction to Felicity, but for some reason he didn’t seem to be warming to her. She was pink-cheeked and happy from the afternoon, a woman to be entranced by, but Josh had shown only politeness. Felicity demonstrated equal disinterest, leaving Em wondering if they’d somehow crossed paths before Levenham.
As though sensing her scrutiny, Josh looked up and smiled, holding Em’s gaze in a way that made her stomach flip. He closed the distance between them.
‘You okay?’
‘Of course.’
He studied her face. ‘You looked a bit funny for a second.’
She felt a bit funny too. The memory of how he used to look at her, when they were young and he’d loved her with all the commitment of a man who had his future mapped and locked, tickled her mind, demanding attention. She wanted to compare expressions, assess, contemplate what it meant, but she had dinner to cook and a night with Josh ahead. Contemplation could wait.
‘I’m fine.’
He glanced across at the stove. ‘Are you sure there’s nothing I can do?’
‘The kitchen isn’t really big enough for two.’
A smile tilted his mouth. ‘Yeah, but I like things cosy.’
That smile, so full of promise for later, made her stomach flip again. Flustered, Em checked her white wine reduction. She’d managed to score some local whiting from the fishmonger and decided to serve it with a simple beurre blanc, sautéed new potatoes and salad. Light food to match the evening’s mood.
By the time she looked up his attention had drifted back to Felicity. Although his expression wasn’t unfriendly, it wasn’t favourable either. If anything, it was perplexed, and it gave Em an unpleasant flutter of panic.
‘Have you and Felicity met before?’ she asked, trying to make the question nonchalant.
‘No.’ He turned to face her, his expression back to normal. ‘I thought she might have known Bianca, though, given where she grew up, but apparently she doesn’t.’
‘Adelaide’s a big city.’
‘Has she talked much about her life there?’
‘Not really. I get the impression things were pretty tough.’ She frowned at him. ‘You don’t like her?’
‘I don’t really have an opinion. She seems nice enough and Digby’s obviously nuts about her.’
‘He’s that all right.’ She glanced across to where Digby was talking Felicity through Em’s collection of family photographs. ‘I’m just glad to see him so happy.’
Josh stayed by the bench, watching her as she prepared the salad, talking about the football match, how he was thinking next year he might put his hand up to coach a kids’ side.
‘You’re really set on staying, then?’
He gave her a puzzled look. ‘Yeah. Why? Did you think I wasn’t?’
‘I didn’t know for certain, that’s all. I thought maybe when your mum’s better you’d want to go back to Adelaide.’
‘No. I’m here to stay.’ He held her gaze. ‘Nothing’s going to drive me away this time.’
Em ducked her head, thinking of the ledge and the initials they’d carved there.
He slid around the bench to stand by her side at the stove and wrapped an arm around her waist. ‘Hey,’ he said, kissing her temple. ‘It’s okay. What happened happened. Things are different now.’
‘Are they?’
He pulled back to frown at her. ‘What does that mean?’
‘I don’t know. Nothing. It means nothing.’ She closed her eyes briefly, wishing she could shed the uncertainty that he’d ever forgive the past. ‘Sorry.’
‘No worries. You’ve had a long day.’
‘So have you.’ She tugged at the front of his shirt to prove the mood had passed. ‘Footy star.’
That brought on a laugh. ‘Two goals doesn’t make me a star, not when we lost by five.’
Despite her protests he stayed in the kitchen, using the limited space as an excuse to touch her, playing it all as a game. A game that continued throughout dinner as he sat alongside her, stealing hand squeezes under the table. Promising more to come.
Conversation rambled, from the local football competition, to Digby’s work, to Josh’s business plans and Em’s calligraphy hobby. Several times Josh attempted to draw Felicity out about her family and where she grew up, but her answers tended to be vague and immediately followed with another question or comment about the hill, or the Wallace family. Em sensed Felicity’s need to let that part of her life go, and she murmured for Josh to drop the topic.
At ten, Em and Josh escorted Felicity and Digby out onto the porch. The wind had stayed light but a clear sky had caused the temperature to plummet. Em hugged herself as the cold crept under her shirt and seeped up from the timber deck, through her socks.
To Em’s surprise Felicity kissed her, standing on tiptoe to lightly peck her cheek.
‘Thank you. I had the best day,’ she said. ‘The best.’
‘Come on, Flick. It’s freezing and Em and Josh want to go to bed. There’ll be other times.’
She looked eagerly at Em. ‘Will there?’
‘Of course. You’re welcome any time.’
Felicity’s face turned radiant. Happy now she had her guarantee, she took Digby’s hand and followed him to the edge of the porch. Suddenly, she halted and lifted her face to the hill, its dark outline rising into the spangled sky like a giant stone temple. Moonlight glinted off her hair and luminous skin, and cast sparks off the dangling gems of Adrienne’s earrings. She kept staring, her lips parted slightly as though she’d just experienced a moment of rapture. Then she smiled broadly at Digby, skipped down the stairs and disappeared into the night.
Leaving Em in the chill, staring at the hill, speculating about what she’d seen.
Twelve
‘Hey,’ said Josh, holding his phone with his right hand and twirling a brass screw between the thumb and undamaged index finger of his left. Despite the sun streaming through the shed window, the metal was still cold from the night. ‘It’s me.’
Bianca’s voice came back full of warm surprise. ‘Josh. I didn’t expect to hear from you. How’s tricks? More importantly, how’s your mum?’
He relaxed a bit. They’d had their moments, especially towards the end, and it always came as a relief to discover her affection for his family remained intact. News of Michelle’s cancer had upset her deeply, and Bianca had immediately offered assistance and a place to stay in Adelaide if any of them needed.
‘Not grea
t but we’re getting there.’
‘It must be hard seeing her sick. She was always so active.’
‘Yeah.’ He swallowed and forced his tone brighter. ‘But she’s tough. She’ll beat it. Anyway, the reason I called is because I’m trying to chase a bit of info about someone, and I thought you could help.’
‘Sure. Who is it?’
‘Felicity Townsend. She’s from Elizabeth, or so she says. She’s a couple of years younger than you but I thought you might have come across her, maybe in school.’
Bianca repeated the name twice, the second time faltering before she finished. ‘Oh, God, Josh, please don’t tell me you’re involved with her.’
‘Not me. A mate. So what’s the story?’
‘If it’s the same Felicity Townsend, then she comes from a pretty notorious family. Involved in amphetamines, I think, drugs anyway. The dad went to jail for shooting someone. I remember her older brother Brett bragging about it. This was in primary school, mind. Thought it made him look tough which was stupid when half the school had a family member in jail, but he never was the brightest spark. I’m not even sure he made it to high school. He didn’t make it to mine, that’s for sure. I think I read about him being involved in an armed robbery a while back.’
‘And Felicity?’
‘Nothing that I can recall. Oh, hang on.’ Josh could hear her tapping something as she thought. ‘Nope, sorry. I’m sure there was something but after we moved I never bothered paying much attention.’
‘That’s okay, you’ve told me enough anyway.’
‘Does he know, your friend?’
‘That she comes from a dodgy family? I think so.’
‘So what’s she done to attract your interest, then?’
‘Not a thing. It’s just this gut feeling I can’t get rid of.’ He let out a breath and dumped the screw. ‘I’m probably worrying about nothing.’
Except he wasn’t. Felicity might be stunning to look at but she set his teeth on edge. Not that he could pinpoint any particular reason why. On the surface she seemed pleasant enough, and she made all the right moves with Digby, but trust her? Not a chance. Not after he’d watched her move around Em’s house, touching her photos and books in that weirdly covetous way. Even Muffy wasn’t exempt from her over-attention. And the way she’d studied Em when she thought no one was looking was even creepier.
Digby was so love-drunk he’d be lucky to realise his own arse was on fire, but Em’s lack of awareness worried him. It was almost as though she deliberately didn’t want to see.
He grimaced and refocused on his ex-wife. ‘Thanks, Bianca. You take care, okay?’
‘You too.’ She paused. ‘Josh?’
His gut tightened. He knew what was coming. He’d been expecting it for a while but the idea of someone else succeeding where he’d failed still hurt. ‘Yeah?’
‘I’ve met someone. It’s pretty serious.’
Josh made sure to keep his voice steady. ‘That’s good, Bianca. Really good. I’m glad.’
‘Thanks,’ she said, a smile in her voice. ‘And you? Are you seeing anyone?’
Josh picked up the screw again and twisted it around his fingers, feeling the sharp edges of the thread. ‘Sort of.’
‘Sort of?’
‘I’ve had a couple of dinners with Emily.’
There was a heavy hush before she spoke again. ‘Your old girlfriend?’
‘Yeah.’
Michelle had never purged the Sinclair family photos of Em, believing that just because she and Josh had broken up didn’t mean the relationship never existed, and so they’d stayed squashed under plastic. Em and him laughing at the camera, Josh’s feelings for her flying like the world’s biggest banner. Bianca had seen them, asked questions, and Josh had sensed her considering expression as Michelle explained Em’s place in his past while Josh sat with his jaw clenched, avoiding eye contact.
Another pause. ‘Well, I hope it works out this time. Look, I have to go. It was nice to hear from you. Give your folks my love, okay?’
Josh hung up and stared out through the filmy window at the bright day, thinking of Bianca, then Felicity before his mind drifted back to Em.
Last night, after he’d dragged her inside out of the cold, he’d stood her near the fire, brushing loose hair from her face, lightly caressing the skin below her ear. She’d shivered a little, a slight tremble he wasn’t sure was from cold or anticipation. From the heat of her gaze he figured the latter but teased anyway. ‘Cold?’
She’d smiled knowingly. ‘A little.’
‘Want me to warm you up?’
Her mouth tilted higher and she leaned closer, voice low. ‘And how do you propose to do that?’
Josh threw her one of his lazy smiles, gratified when her eyes widened in response. In all these years, her reaction to his come-ons hadn’t changed. The way her lips slowly peeled apart, full and luscious; the way a pulse in her throat fluttered and her chest rose that little bit higher, told him more than any words. A million bucks had nothing on the feeling of triumph that came with her reaction. He could watch it forever.
He slipped his hand into hers. ‘Follow me and let me show you.’
And he had.
No, there was no ‘sort of’ about him and Em. This was real. Despite all self-warning, Josh had fallen.
And he was going down hard.
Karen leaned back in her recliner and curved her hand over her protruding belly. ‘So how’s it going with Em?’
Josh glanced at his mum, who feigned innocence, while Sal grinned at his discomfort.
Karen boggled her eyes at him. ‘What? Did you expect us to pretend that we didn’t know?’
‘Em’s going okay,’ he said with a patience that came from having endured sisterly interrogations before.
‘That’s not exactly what she asked,’ said Sally.
Josh stood and crossed to the window, looking out at Karen’s front lawn with his thumbs looped in his pockets. Sal’s two boys were playing kick-to-kick with his dad and brothers-in-law, Karen’s golden retriever bouncing between them, pink tongue flapping, curls golden in the winter sun. Josh should have stayed out there with them, in safety, but he’d wanted to check on Mum. This latest dose of chemo had knocked her about badly, but she’d insisted on joining them for lunch, even if nausea meant she couldn’t eat much. He guessed it was a show of defiance and strength against their demands, as if she wasn’t really dying at all.
Dying. Jesus, he hated that thought. It made him angry and hurt and every which way confused. He knew it was insane, but he couldn’t help the idea that if Bianca had stopped loving him, maybe his mum had too. As for Em, she’d proven that once before also. . .
Josh glanced at his mum. Michelle wore a scarf now to cover her hair loss. She’d put on weight, which he hadn’t expected, causing her face to appear bloated and her belly more rounded, but her stubborn streak remained intact as ever, immune to chemicals, immune to her family and its fear.
Immune to him.
‘Well?’ asked Karen.
‘Well what?’ He tossed her one of his looks, the one from childhood that warned of Chinese burns and other tortures.
‘Em, you twit,’ said Sally.
He let out a sigh and turned around. ‘We’re seeing each other. Nothing else to report.’
‘Seeing each other properly? Or just seeing each other?’
‘What’s the difference?’
The two sisters shared a roll of the eyes. Shouts of laughter filtered in through the window, followed by a series of loud barks. More than ever Josh wished he’d stayed out with the other males.
Karen stared at him as though his IQ had dropped to imbecile level. ‘A lot.’
He sighed. ‘It’s not serious, if that’s what you want to know.’
Sally regarded him. She’d always been the sharpest when it came to his sisters. ‘But you want it to be.’
He shrugged. ‘Maybe.’
‘Oh, don’t lie, Josh. You’ve a
lways loved her.’
‘Not always. I was married, remember?’
Karen waved a hand. ‘Other than when you were with Bianca.’
‘She’s right,’ said Sally. ‘First loves always leave their mark.’
‘Funny, I thought my first love was Mandy Glenson,’ he said, referring to the girl he’d been mad for when he was twelve.
‘Childhood crushes don’t count.’
Could have fooled him. He’d been nuts about Mandy. Until she went off with Ed Palfreyman. He raked his hand through his hair. Christ, another one. Now that he looked back, he’d been ditched a fair few times.
‘And she was a skank,’ said Karen, earning an admonishing look from her mother. ‘Well, she was!’
‘Not in Emily’s class, that’s for sure,’ said Sally.
Josh had to agree on that point. But then no one was in Em’s class. She stood on her own pedestal. Perhaps she stood too high for the likes of him.
He scowled at the idea. This lack of confidence was stupid. She wasn’t any better than anyone else. Nor did she act as though she was. Not the mature Em he knew now. Sure, she could be aloof and unreadable, but there were times, like the previous night, when she touched him with a neediness that went beyond arousal. That spoke of vulnerability and the desire for something deeper, more intimate, like what he used to believe they had. Maybe he was reading too much into it, creating reality from wishes, but he didn’t think so.
Perhaps it was about time he turned this ‘seeing each other’ into Karen’s ‘seeing each other properly’. Asked Em out on a date or something. A proper dinner. Something different to food and sex at Rocking Horse Hill, which was all their present relationship seemed to amount to. She deserved more than that.
And Josh sure as hell wanted it.
He turned back to the window but the boys and men were trailing inside. Josh raised a hand to his dad, who smiled back. Time with the grandkids always perked him up.
