‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
‘I like him. He’s my friend. He’s your friend, too.’
Lucy shook her head and Rosie saw Charlie shake his head, too. He wasn’t asleep.
‘He was only pretending to be our friend but if he was our friend, he wouldn’t kiss you.’
Charlie still wouldn’t look at her but at least Lucy was talking.
‘He can be our friend, all of us,’ Rosie tried.
‘No,’ said Lucy. Her chin was tilted in a way that spelled trouble. Lucy could be stubborn when she got her mind set on something. It looked like she’d set her mind on Nick and Rosie. ‘He’ll want you, not us. Mummy and Daddy went away on a trip and they didn’t come back. Mummy and Daddy kissed like you and Nick. That’s what grown-ups do when they kiss. They go away on holidays and they don’t come back.’ Lucy’s vehement words ended on a gulp but, true to her resolute nature, she didn’t let the tears gathering in her eyes spill.
The room seemed to go hazy and Rosie blinked to pull it back into focus. If she hadn’t known it was impossible, she’d have sworn her heart had just been snap-frozen and cleaved in two at the picture of fear and loss Lucy had just painted.
What have I done? She knew she’d be asking herself that same question over and over. Not only had she managed to let the twins down by failing to ease them into the new situation with Nick, she’d managed to revive, and magnify, their fears that they’d lose her, too. Just like they’d lost their mum and dad only a few short months ago.
‘Lucy…’ Rosie stood and crossed over to Lucy but her niece shrank back as if she were a stranger.
‘We’ve got each other. Charlie and me. That’s all we need.’ The look on Lucy’s face made Rosie’s blood run cold.
‘Nothing will ever make me leave you, Lucy.’
Lucy turned her head away and lay down next to her brother, holding him tight. As she did, Rosie heard her say, her voice raspy with tears, ‘We don’t believe you.’
Rosie stood and watched them, her hand back at her throat, wondering how she’d managed to destroy the love the twins had always had for her. The love and the trust.
In the haze that had descended on her life tonight, there was only one thing clear: until she earned the twins’ trust again there was no future for her with any man.
And especially not with the man she wanted. The man who she’d only just found out had feelings for her, too. Now would she ever find out just how deep those feelings ran or where they might end up?
Rosie felt sick.
She had, in fact, felt sick almost every second of the last two days. She’d picked Charlie up early from school for his Friday afternoon appointment with Nick. The moment she’d seen him heading for her car, the ball of stress sitting at the base of her throat had tightened a little more.
It would have been easier to manage if the twins had railed and ranted at her. If they’d been slamming doors, it would have been a breeze. But since Wednesday night in the bedroom, Lucy had only spoken to her when strictly necessary and had not made direct eye contact. Charlie had neither spoken to nor looked at her. Not once.
Rosie put the radio on as they drove to the medical centre, hoping to mask the uncomfortable silence. While she drove, she thought about the last few days. She’d spoken to Nick briefly when the twins had been at school. She didn’t dare risk a conversation when they were at home. She’d gone over and over the situation with her mum. She’d had a phone call with Charlie’s psychologist, who was interstate and couldn’t see Charlie until she was back in five days. Until then, the best any of them could come up with was to give the children time and keep reassuring them.
And unless there was a miracle with Charlie today when he saw Nick, she’d decided what she had to do.
She had to give him up.
They’d only been in the waiting room for a matter of minutes when Nick, looking as pale and tired as she knew she was, came out to call them into his office for Charlie’s review. The knot of tension in her throat intensified. Although she wanted this over, she also wanted to delay it for as long as possible. She was sure the outcome was not going to be the one she wanted.
‘Charlie, Rosie, you can come through?’
Rosie manoeuvred herself so that Charlie had to go ahead of her. Nick was waiting in the corridor, facing them, and over the top of Charlie’s head she could see the silent query in his expression. She shook her head in answer. Not good.
It didn’t improve. All the questions he directed at Charlie were met with stony silence. Charlie complied with Nick’s brief physical examination but he might have been a doll, he was so passive.
On their way out, Nick said softly to Rosie, ‘Call me tonight.’
Rosie nodded as she fleetingly met his gaze. After tonight there’d be no need for any out-of-hours phone calls. The only times they’d be talking would be at Charlie’s appointments. She supposed she should even change Charlie to another specialist.
She should never have veered from her path of responsible aunt.
After tonight, she and Nick would be over.
And the way it was hurting already, she wished it had never even begun.
‘Why are we whispering?’ Nick had started the conversation off at normal volume but his voice had now dropped down to Rosie’s volume.
‘I don’t want the twins to wake up.’ Rosie was sitting up in bed, hunched under her covers with her knees drawn up to her chest, whispering into the receiver like a schoolgirl not wanting her parents to hear.
‘It’s eleven o’clock at night!’
Rosie knew that. She’d watched every minute tick past on the clock as she’d delayed time and again in ringing Nick. She’d tried to delay the inevitable but the moment was upon her.
‘We can’t see each other.’ She blurted it out, her voice rising above a whisper. She had to get it over with, the torment of ending it with the only man she knew now she’d ever really loved.
‘It just needs time—’
‘No, Nick, I don’t think so. It’s not like the twins are just being headstrong. They are seriously affected. I don’t think I even know the extent of what I’ve done yet—’
‘Rosie, stop right there.’ He was no longer whispering, he was angry and not trying to hide it. ‘You’ve said this sort of thing too many times these last couple of days. There is one thing you have to get through your head: you’ve done nothing wrong. We could have handled it better, sure, but we can only say that with hindsight. You’re acting like you’re guilty of…’ He paused. ‘That’s it. That’s what you’re doing.’
He hurried on, and she knew he’d worked out exactly what she was torturing herself with. ‘I told you once I thought you’ve always taken care of others, put everyone’s needs first. And that’s what this is about—you’re eaten up with guilt because you gave some credence to your own needs. You think what’s happened is divine punishment for your selfishness.’ There was a long silence and then he spoke again. ‘Tell me I’m wrong.’
She couldn’t. It was exactly what she thought but even hearing him say it out loud did nothing to dent that belief. If anything, she believed it all the more for hearing someone else say it.
‘That’s part of it, Nick. It doesn’t really matter because, however I feel about it, the fact is there are two children who’ve recently suffered a double bereavement which you and I can’t begin to fathom. And now they’re reliving their loss, they’re terrified the same thing will happen to me.’
‘Why aren’t they talking to you, if they’re so worried about losing you?’
‘I think it’s because they don’t trust me, they’re trying to protect themselves and they’re angry at me. It’s all muddled up with their anger at their mum and dad for leaving them. They think I’m going to leave them, like their parents did.’
‘They think you’d intentionally leave them?’
‘I don’t think it’s that. I think in their minds that if you and I got together, we’d go aw
ay and we wouldn’t come back. They don’t distinguish between deliberate actions or otherwise. They don’t understand intent. They don’t understand their mum and dad didn’t want to leave them.’
‘But we won’t leave them!’ Nick was roaring now, and Rosie knew it was because he was no longer able to contain his frustration at the events he couldn’t influence. ‘I’m not going anywhere. Damn it, I’m in love with you, Rosie.’
‘You are?’ Rosie breathed it into the phone. She’d had no idea his feelings ran that deep. Oh, she’d hoped and dreamed but she hadn’t known. But to find out now, when she knew she couldn’t have him, was too cruel.
‘I am, and I want the whole deal.’ She could hear the conviction in his voice. ‘Now you’re telling me it’s over?’
‘What else can I do?’ Her cry was full of the anguish in her heart.
‘I don’t know, Rosie, and it kills me that I don’t. But you can’t give up on us. You can’t. I love you. That’s all there is to it.’
Just like with the twins, if he’d yelled and screamed at her, it would have made it easier to bear. But where he’d momentarily raised his voice a few moments ago, now it was steady and firm.
‘I don’t know what else to do. I can’t make promises to you I don’t know if I can keep. I know you understand, you told me the same thing. I promised the twins I’d look after them, that I wasn’t going anywhere. Now they think I can’t be trusted. If I have to spend the next ten years putting this right and making them feel secure, I will. Whatever the cost.’
‘Then there’s nothing left for me to say.’ Nick spoke quietly. She could detect neither sadness nor anger in his voice. She didn’t know what to make of it and she guessed she’d never know.
He hung up first, the sound of the receiver being replaced signalling the exact moment her heart broke.
It was over.
She’d lost everything.
CHAPTER TEN
FOR the fifth time that week Nick left the office after dark. His days had been unbelievably long; he’d been at work before sunrise most days as well. Keeping busy, trying to keep his mind off Rosie and the children. He was exhausted. He’d had enough of the office but mostly enough of the mess his life had become. Amazing what could happen in the space of a single week, he thought. In less than seven days he’d lost the only woman he’d ever truly loved, doubled his already crippling business loan and helped traumatise two small children who now detested him.
And, sadly, he added to the inventory as he left the building, my new best friend in Sydney, other than my business partners who are as impoverished as me, is my bank manager. And he only loves me for my debt.
He shoved a hand through his hair, thinking absent-mindedly that he really should get it cut but knowing he wouldn’t get around to it any time soon. What did it matter?
He got into his car, turning his mobile phone on and plugging it in to recharge. It rang almost immediately.
‘Nick!’
‘Mum, what is it? Is Dad all right?’ He barked his words out of anxiety.
‘Dad’s fine, but are you okay? You don’t sound like yourself.’
‘I’ve never felt less like myself.’ He switched the car engine off, leaving the power on to charge his phone while he filled his mum in on the events of the last ten days, the concise version. ‘You can say you told me so. You warned me I’d lose her,’ he said as he finished the summary.
‘I’d never say I told you so but why didn’t you tell me any of this when I rang to tell you Dad’s results the other day?’
‘I was hoping I’d wake up and find it was all a bad dream.’
‘And now what?’
‘Now it’s over.’
There was a pained silence from the other end. Then his mum said, ‘Australia must have done something to you, because the son I raised would never give up on his girl.’ She sighed, the sound conveying her exasperation better than any words. ‘Your whole life, Nicholas John Masters, I’ve never known you to be a quitter. Ever. Not even when you maybe should have been.’
‘You also raised me to believe no means no.’ It was the first time he’d smiled properly all week. ‘Get your messages straight, Mum.’
She tut-tutted at him. ‘Don’t give me your clever doctortalk. There’s only one thing you have to do. I’ll be waiting to hear from you when you figure out what that is.’
‘You’re going to keep me in suspense?’
She sniffed, pretending offence. ‘I’m not the sort of mother who interferes in her son’s relationships. But just so you know, there’ll be four places set at Christmas lunch if you feel like surprising us.’ She blew him a kiss down the line and ended the call, obviously wanting to have the last word.
He thumped his head back on the headrest, mulling over the quandary he was in.
A series of the most familiar sayings his mum had raised them on rang in his ears. Growing up, she’d seemed to have one ready for each and every occasion that had presented itself. For every problem, there’s a solution; we are not a family of quitters; you only find out who you really are when your back’s against the wall; never turn away from someone in need.
The thing about clichés, he reflected, was that they became clichés because they’re based in truth. Somewhere in those trite expressions, he’d find the blueprint for what he was meant to do.
It didn’t take long.
He hadn’t been raised a quitter.
But he’d been so focused on respecting Rosie’s decision that they were over, he’d failed to consider what was actually best for Rosie, for all of them. And he could see now they weren’t always the same thing.
He lifted his head, turned the car back on and drove out onto the street.
The time for inaction was over.
The time to get his girl was now.
Philip had arrived on their doorstep just as he and Lucy were finishing dinner. Auntie Rosie had let him in. Philip had even tried to be friendly but Charlie knew he wasn’t interested in either him or Lucy. That was one of the best things about not talking to people—it meant he could watch them, work them out. And what he’d worked out pretty quickly was Philip really wanted to talk to Rosie by herself. He also knew Philip didn’t really have the first clue what to say to him. That suited Charlie just fine; there was nothing he wanted to say to Philip, either.
What he did want was for everything to go back the way it had been. With his mum and dad. And if he couldn’t have that then he wanted Auntie Rosie to stay with them for ever. What he didn’t want, what he wouldn’t take, was being left again.
Without needing to discuss it, he and Lucy had gobbled their dinner as fast as they could, refused seconds and fled upstairs. He’d pretended to be reading in bed but once Rosie had been up to check on them, he got out of bed and was now perched at the top of the stairs, holding on to the rails out of sight but within earshot of the grown-ups. He could usually hear most of what was being discussed in the kitchen if he sat here, something he’d learnt ages ago, when his mum and dad had still been alive.
Right now, he didn’t like the direction the conversation was heading.
He crept into his sister’s room. ‘Luce,’ he whispered, ‘come.’ He placed a finger against his lips to show her she had to be quiet.
‘Why?’
‘Come on, you have to listen. They’re talking about moving to Canberra.’
‘Who is?’
‘Rosie and Philip. Philip wants Rosie back there.’
‘What about us?’
‘I don’t know, that’s why we have to listen. Hurry.’
Lucy jumped out of bed and the two of them tiptoed to the top of the stairs.
They could hear Rosie say, ‘Didn’t want children?’
‘Let’s not go through that again. It’ll be a fresh start for us.’
Rosie was sighing. ‘How on earth do you think this would work?’
‘Simple. You move back to Canberra, you can work part-time and we see how things go. Of c
ourse, the apartment isn’t big enough for the children—’
Lucy turned frightened eyes on her brother, who reached out to tuck her hand in his, but their movements caused the floorboards to creak. They froze, and the conversation downstairs stopped.
‘Come into the sitting room,’ they heard Rosie say. ‘We can’t talk here.’
The twins curled up further out of sight at the top of the stairs, listening as the adults went into the front sitting room and closed the door.
‘They’re going to leave us behind?’ There were tears in Lucy’s voice and Charlie burned with the anger that never seemed too far away these days. They couldn’t do this to them! They couldn’t.
‘That’s not going to happen, not ever.’ Charlie didn’t recognise his own voice. He’d thought his voice would wobble but he sounded so certain. He knew he must be scared but he couldn’t feel it, he couldn’t feel anything. He’d fix this. He’d fix it properly, he thought, as an idea surfaced.
He whispered his plan into Lucy’s ear and her eyes widened but she nodded. They crept to their rooms before meeting back at the top of the stairs clutching backpacks stuffed with the items he’d told Lucy to gather. He hoped the adventure story he was reading at the moment had got it right and that was all they’d need. It had said something about ginger beer and ham. He didn’t think Rosie had those things but they’d sneak into the kitchen and take whatever was easy to grab.
They crept down the stairs with Charlie leading the way. Lucy was too nervous to notice that she was following instead of leading.
In the dark, Rosie’s house was lit up like the proverbial Christmas tree, lights shining from every window. Nick could see it as he turned the corner even though he was halfway down the street, but he was closer before he saw the police car parked out the front.
Pulling to a stop, in seconds he was knocking on her front door, heart pounding. He’d come with a plan to win back Rosie but what had he walked into? What was going on?
He knocked until the door swung open and immediately the adrenalin that had spurred him to come here tonight drained away.
Italian Doctor, Dream Proposal / Wanted: A Father for her Twins Page 32
