“I mean—”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.” I can’t look at him.
He swallows audibly.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat. And I am sorry. He’ll never know how sorry I am because while he’s holding me and trying to comfort me, I feel tingles of desire skip and dance through my body. As I said “fuck me” to Shane, my sex vibrated with such a strong need. My breasts feel too heavy and I want him to hold them, caress them, make this ache go away. But it will only augment if he does. It will grow until I come. And I can’t believe I’m thinking this. I hate myself for the way I’m feeling.
I also can’t help but call myself every name I’ve ever thought about Tony when he was cheating because that’s what I’m doing to Joe, even if only in my head.
Shane drily laughs, but I’ve made him nervous. He’s not holding me the same. I’m not tucked against his body any longer. There’s space between us.
I roll my eyes, even though he can’t see me. “I’m so sorry.”
He takes in a breath. “I thought I told you, that’s my line.”
I try to laugh, but I want to run from him, from this awkwardness. I push away, smiling, even though I know it’s forced and fragile. The light against his face makes his beard look darker, his eyes too. The bump on the bridge of his nose is more pronounced.
“Did you break your nose?”
He fingers along the bump. “That obvious?”
I shake my head then shrug. “I like it.” I laugh, not sure why I keep embarrassing myself like this.
Slowly his lips curl up at the sides.
“How…?”
He sips in a quick breath. “I was in fifth grade. Joe was in third. Or maybe second. Anyway, Joe, he—” Shane laughs easily. “He’s a good guy. Always has been. He made friends with everyone. And one of his friends was this funny kid, had the best humor. But he was…kind of heavy.” Shane winces, looking at me, seeming to wonder if I think less of him for using the term heavy as he did. “Greg was the kid’s name and he was bullied something fierce. Joe was always there, protecting his friend. But one day, some guys from my grade were picking on Greg. Man, you should have seen Joe. He could really fight for such a little guy. Who knew he’d grow into the giant he is now.”
I softly chuckle, loving this story.
“But there were three fifth graders against little Joe, so when I saw what they were doing—”
“You protected your brother.”
Shane nods. “Tried to. One of the kids had a branch and hit my face with it. Which broke my nose. There was blood everywhere, and the guys who were picking on Greg freaked at the sight of my blood, so they ran off. My bleeding did a better job of saving my brother than I did.”
I smile and can’t help it but run my finger where his had been a moment ago. “Did it hurt?”
He nods as he lets me feel his nose.
“Was your mom mad?”
He smiles. “We never told her. Joe wanted to, but I was worried he’d get in trouble for fighting again. My parents thought Joe was a fighter, but he was a protector. They didn’t know what he was fighting for.”
I step closer, feeling the break along the side of his nose more. “So you never went to a doctor?”
He shakes his head slowly so I can keep my fingers on him.
“What did you do with all the blood?”
He smiles again. “I think my dad worried Joe and I were being cruel to animals, because we never cleaned it up. I mean, I took a shower and cleaned myself, but there was blood all over the yard, in the house. When he saw my black eyes and swollen nose he—I don’t know what he thought. He was crazy worried for a few days. Took time off from work to hang out with me. I think he thought I was being bullied.”
I look into his eyes. God, I love hearing about him as a kid. I love thinking about him protecting little Joe, and Joe protecting the whole world. Smiling, I lift to my toes and kiss his nose.
As I’m settling back to my feet, he catches me by my waist. I’m startled because his grip is strong.
“Moira…” His voice is a whisper, but like his grip, it’s strong and sure.
He pulls me to him faster than I can think and I find his lips against mine. His tongue wanting in. And I, unthinkably, open for him. I’m wrapping my arms around his neck and he’s plunging into my mouth, and for a second I’m letting him. His body’s so hard against mine. His chest presses into my breasts in a way that feels so good.
But I pull away, both hands over my traitorous mouth.
“I wish I could say I’m sorry for doing that.” Shane shakes his head. “But I can’t. I’ve wanted to do that since the second I saw you.”
“I can’t.” I shake my head, still touching my lips that tingle from his touch. God, I liked his pushy kiss. I hate myself even more with that realization.
He nods. “Too fast. Okay. I can go slow.”
I stumble farther away from him. “I can’t.”
He nods again, licking his lips, like he’s savoring my taste. “Really slow then.”
I laugh then can’t help but frown. “I can’t.”
“At all?”
I can’t even nod. I’m just looking at him and remembering the way he felt against me. And it felt so good. Why? Why did it have to feel like that?
Shane runs a hand through his hair that’s getting long at the top of his head. A sandy brown wave cascades down to his eye and I want to brush it away. But I’m far too scared of touching him. I had no idea attraction could work like this. Maybe now I have a tiny bit of empathy for Tony because what I feel for Shane is…like it’s inevitable to touch, to kiss, to make love. Like we have to.
But I can’t.
I won’t.
“Moira.” Shane sighs. “You have a right to live your life. You have a right to…do what you want. To me. I don’t think I’m off base or being too forward, when I say…I think you’re attracted to me too. But you don’t have to be afraid, baby.”
That makes me wince all the more. He called me baby. Like his brother does.
“Oh, but I do.”
Shane smiles and shakes his head. “No, baby. We can—I’ll help you get a lawyer, someone really tough, and you can tell your ex to fuck off. This is your house and this is your life. You can do whatever the hell you want, like…oh, don’t cry, baby.”
He takes me in his arms and it feels fantastic. But I’m acting too much like Tony. I’m thinking only of myself and I can’t. I won’t be this person.
I look up at him, tears building in my eyes. Because what I’m going to tell him is tearing my heart in two.
“I can’t because—” Crying is making it difficult to talk, but I power through, “—I’m in a relationship.”
Shane’s dark brows furrow. But then a look of determination passes over his face. “Okay.” He smiles. “But I know you feel this too. I think you want to be with me. Whoever this guy is, kick him to the curb, Moira. Be with me.”
“Joe. I’m with Joe.”
Shane backs away, his eyes wide. He’s not breathing but staring at me with a shocked and pained expression, as if I’d just dug a dagger into his gut.
I’ve been fighting this attraction so much I never noticed how strong it was. How much I like Shane. How much I crave to be touched by him.
But I can’t.
I won’t let this happen.
“Fuck.” Shane actually smiles, but it’s a wounded look. “That’s the one man I can’t and won't compete against. Fuck.” He’s breathing heavily and sometimes not at all. “Are you sure? Because he hasn’t said anything to me. And he tells me everything. I even know some state secrets I probably shouldn’t.”
“I asked him not to tell because I’m worried your mom wouldn’t approve.” A tear surfs down my cheek.
“Oh, well, fuck.” He rakes a hand through his hair again. “If she doesn’t, then she’s a fucking hypocrite and you shouldn’t care if she approves or not.” He laughs but it’s a hard sound. “Listen to me, alr
eady rooting for the two of you. Fuck.” He rubs a hand over his heart, and it’s that motion that makes my own feel tortured and twisted.
He rushes toward me, holding me once again. “Don’t cry, baby. Don’t cry. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” Then he looks down at me. His brows furrowed again. “I’m not wrong, am I? You feel this thing between us too, don’t you?”
I lick my lips, not sure if I should answer. But finally, I nod.
He holds me close again, caressing my hair. “It’ll be okay.”
“But I kissed you.”
“We won’t talk about that. Let’s not talk about that. Ever.”
“Just keep it a secret?” I push away enough to look up at him.
His jawline is kicking and punching, the look in his eyes is nothing short of anguish. Slowly, he nods. “Have to.”
“I think I’m going to throw up.”
He picks me up and carries me through the house to the bathroom, my stomach roiling, my heart breaking. He’s so sweet. So kind. So passionate.
But he’s not mine.
He’ll never be mine.
And I’m an asshole for even wanting that.
I’m sick by the time I’m in front of the toilet. Shane holds my hair away from my face. I throw up everything inside me. Shaking, I turn to Shane. He’s there with a damp washcloth. After flushing and cleaning up, he holds me and we slide down to the cold tile floor. I’m on his lap and he’s rocking us.
“I think it’s best to let Joe babysit without me from here on out.”
I nod, holding him even tighter after he’s said that.
“Ah, but I love your kids, Moira.”
At that, I release more tears. I know he loves my kids. And they love him. I’m being torn in two. Halved. Cut apart.
“I love how contemplative Jamie is.” His voice cracks. “He reminds me of me, I guess. And, god, I love how loud Liv is, little wild child. I’m going to miss them, but—but I think it best if we don’t see each other.”
I clutch at him all the more, sobbing.
“Don’t you think so?”
Against his neck, I nod, knowing the logic in his words. But the logic is cracking my sternum and exposing my broken heart, making me hurt even more. I wish he was wrong. But he’s not.
I look up at him, sniffing, trying to stop crying.
His eyes are red. But he smiles as he wipes one of my tears away. “You’re such a good mom. I knew I wanted you when I met you. God, could I have been more of a pompous ass? But when I met your kids…they’re great kids.”
I smile. “I’m the luckiest mom in the world. Who lets her kids sleep on the couch.” I roll my eyes.
He softly chuckles. “You’re too hard on yourself. My mom used to have Joe and me sleep in the car when she’d meet her lovers in a hotel. So…you know, you’re just too hard on yourself. And I think they’re the luckiest kids in the world to have you. I knew I wanted you, but after meeting your kids, I adored you.”
I hold his whiskered cheek, smiling, crying. “I’m sorry you slept in a car when your mom…that had to be so hard on you.”
He shrugs. “Yeah, not easy. But—it makes you appreciate a woman who’s loyal. I doubt your ex-husband will ever understand, maybe Joe won’t even understand how strong you are, how noble. How you make me want to be a better man, simply because I know you.”
“Shut up.” I smile through my tear-filled vision. “You’re killing me.”
He grins and kisses me along my hairline. “You kill me, baby. You have for weeks now.”
Then I totally fuck up and kiss him. I just press my lips against him, and he’s pressing his against me. There’s only hurt and anguish to our kiss. There’s only sadness.
I pull away and he’s bravely smiling again.
“Let’s get those amazing kids of yours in bed, if you think you can. Or are you still sick?”
“No, but you probably tasted my vomit, didn’t you?”
His smile widens. “Wouldn’t trade it for the world.” He tilts his head to the side. “Well, it wasn’t the best-tasting kiss.”
I laugh and more tears surface.
We stand, he’s holding me the whole time. We gather my children, one by one, and put them under their covers. I kiss them goodnight and so does Shane. He’s crying by the time we leave Liv’s room. In my kitchen, we hold each other for long moments. I’m crying and clinging to him. His breathing is heavy and he’s shaking.
We hold hands as I walk him to the door, my tears impossible to stop. I don’t remember crying this much…in so long. He holds me one more time, kissing the top of my head.
“Moira, don’t say anything. Please, don’t say a word.” He inhales, and I think he’s trying to smell me. He holds me even closer. “I fell in love with you, Moira. I know I did. It was while you served me Kool-aid. The more I was around you, the more I knew. I fucking love this Kool-aid love. It’s sweet like you. So fucking sweet.”
He lifts my head and kisses me one last time. Lip to lip, we’re glued. When he pulls away, I’m certain he’s taking half of my heart with him.
20
In the dark, I crawl into my bed, sobbing. It’s after I’m under my covers, shivering, that my window is cracked open. I sit up and see the familiar form of Joe, and I’m happy. So fucking happy to see his huge body. And so miserable.
He shimmies into my bedroom and I reach out for him, not a word on my lips. After closing the window, he hurries close, sitting on the covers. But I try to get him under the bedding, try to get him close, needing to feel his warmth because I’m so cold. I’m such a terrible person that I’m rendered cold.
“Did your ex do something?” Joe’s whisper is angry.
I shake my head.
“What’s wrong?”
“I—I just need you.” I should tell him what a horrible person I am. But I don’t, which makes me feel even more despicable.
A flash of white in the dark. His smile.
“I need you to hold me.”
He nods then takes off his boots and t-shirt. Rushing under my covers, he embraces me and I cling to him, feeling traitorous. I’m a bad woman. A bad person.
“You’re shaking.”
I push my forehead against his chest. Even though we’re in the dark and he probably can’t see my face, I still worry if my eyes will give me away. So I clench them tightly closed.
“Are you sure nothing happened?”
I think of Tony and what Shane said. “I need a lawyer.”
Joe gently takes hold of my jaw, forcing me to look at him. “Did he hurt you?”
I shake my head. “No. I—I need to establish clear boundaries, and I think a lawyer would do that best.”
He nods and holds me again. “Okay, I know my dad knows a few. They teach at the university. One of them might be able to point me to someone good for you.”
“I don’t have a lot of money.”
“We’ll figure this out.”
What Joe’s said reminds me so much of Shane that I cringe and knot myself closer to Joe. God, my heart hurts. And I worry I should say something to Joe about kissing Shane, even though Shane’s said he’s never going to talk about it.
What is the right thing to do? Is confession good for the soul? Or just an abysmal way to hurt another?
What is right? What is wrong?
Why don’t I know the difference any longer?
* * *
I meet Bit in the parking lot of my mother’s nursing home four days after Shane and I said our goodbyes. Last night Joe babysat by himself, saying he wasn’t sure why Shane couldn’t make it. At just the mention of Shane’s name my heart broke all over again.
I don’t know why I came to my mum. My heart’s halved, cracked wide open and bleeding everywhere, and I thought…well, she’s my mama, so I hoped…but she called me Margaret and insisted I play her a few songs, while I held my tears in check. Somehow.
I called Bit because I don’t know what to do with this hurt, with the way I feel
about Shane. I shouldn’t hurt. It’s preposterous to feel this way. I like Shane, yes. And it’s sad to think of never seeing him except on the rare occasion when we bump into each other. But I know it’s for the best. I know this is right.
I will never cheat on Joe. Even if we haven’t exactly talked about monogamy or if he’s dating anyone else. Still, it’s obvious he’s not. All his spare time is spent with me. And he keeps wanting to take the relationship further and further down the commitment road. Hell, he just asked me the other day if I like diamonds. Which could be a totally random question. It could. And I’m not ruling that out. But come on…I’m not dense either.
Earlier, Eva asked me to lunch, but I had the kids. She said she didn’t mind, but our get-together was…odd. She was happy playing with Liv and was great about Jamie’s coloring inside the lines on the drawings the restaurant gave us as we waited for our burgers, but she kept eyeing my iced tea suspiciously. When she asked me how things were, I gave in and told her everything that had been happening with Tony, whispering details while my children were singing with the waitress, who—God bless her and I hope I gave her a big enough tip—entertained my kids with songs from Frozen.
Eva stared at Liv for a long time, shaking her head. “You have to get a lawyer. Nail that bastard to the wall, Moira.”
I nodded and wondered if maybe the animosity that Tony has for Eva isn’t a one-sided street. The thing is, I try to never bad mouth my ex. Not even to my friends. Because…Tony’s not an evil villain. He’s not even Prince Hans bad. Well, I thought that until Tony said I shouldn’t have sex in my own house because he thinks it’s his house. Maybe he is as bad as Prince Hans.
I looked at Eva, wondering where the seeming hatred at my ex stemmed from. Had I talked about Tony in such an unfavorable light? Or is this more about her and Sherman?
“How are you?” I asked.
She talked about her own attorney and the divorce, how she wants to gut Sherman for all his money. Something inside me hurt as she talked. I guess my problem is I wonder why can’t a divorce be an example of the love that once was? Why can’t it be decent? Why can’t it honor what the couple was to each other?
Awake: Book 3 of the Wild Love Series Page 20
