“Let’s go for a ride,” Nick said. “You and me, Trev. Get lunch.”
“Yes,” Jerry said. “I’m ordering it. If you don’t, you’re fired.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” I asked.
“Nope,” Jerry said. He stuck his hand out with the money.
Nick slammed his hand to my back and laughed. “Let’s go and get some pizza.”
“None of that pineapple shit on it,” Jerry said.
“Extra pineapple for you,” I said.
I put the keys to the car I worked on in the office and grabbed the keys to my truck.
I left to get some pizza and came back to a shocking surprise.
* * *
I put the boxes on the counter and put Jerry’s change on top.
“Thanks,” Jerry said. “Catch your breath a little?”
“No,” I said. “I’m getting back to work.”
“Grab a slice,” Jerry said. “Plus, you’ve got some mail.”
“What?”
“Mail. Someone dropped something off for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Am I speaking French or something?” Jerry asked. “Some car pulled up. A woman got out and came into the office. Put an envelope on the counter and said it was for you.”
“Where is it now?”
“On the damn counter in the office,” Jerry said.
I ran toward the office and blasted through the door. I scrambled to the counter and found a white envelope. I smiled when I saw Serafina’s name on it. There was a black X through her name and my name was written above it.
I flipped the envelope around and ripped it open. I didn’t seal it when I gave it to Sera, but she’d sealed it for me.
I took out the letter. She wrote back to me.
That, I was not expecting at all.
I threw the envelope out and took the letter into the garage. I stopped at a pizza box and flipped the lid open to grab a couple of slices.
Then I went to sit in my truck and read the letter.
Trev,
Sorry I never replied to you. I actually fell asleep. I did reply in my head though. Which probably sounds weird. I can’t believe that you brought me a letter to read. Not sure if you tried knocking on the door or anything. I didn’t know all of that about the accident. It sounds intense. Really intense. I don’t like that you went through it. The accident and everything after. I can’t imagine how anyone could blame you for doing something wrong. People make their own decisions. I mean, that does include you, but you didn’t do anything wrong.
You tell me stuff like that and then tell me stuff about my eyes. I’ve never had someone talk to me like that before. So I don’t exactly know how to react to it, Trev. I mean, you said stuff like that before we were together, so I could use it as an excuse you used to get into my pants. But then you say it again. You stood in the window and watched me leave. I sat behind the wheel of my car for a little while debating on what to do. And I know the biggest question is… why? Why did I leave?
The excuse in me… well… I did it for you. To keep things from being strange in the morning. So you wouldn’t have to worry about me and make small talk. Or offer me breakfast. Or buy me food to get me out of your way. So I saved all that.
Fine. That’s the cheap excuse. Because we both know that when we look at each other, there’s something else there. Something else happening. That’s why I left, Trev. Because of that ‘something’ … You’re right when you say you challenge me. You push at me. You want to know things, and when you say sweet things to me, I believe them. But my life isn’t what you think it is though. I’m not a secret spy or secretly married or anything like that. But things have happened. I’ve written letters to someone who will never read them. Someone who matters to me in a way that nobody else will ever know. And before you get all worried or jealous, no, it wasn’t a guy. I’ve never really been in love. At least I don’t think so. Wow, I shouldn’t have written that. Of course I’ve been in love. Many times. Well, not many times. Wait… I should start this over.
Wow. Okay. Here’s the thing… the letters were supposed to get to my best friend, but never did. My best friend couldn’t read the letters. I’d always hoped that her parents would read the letters to her. But I found out from someone that they threw them out. They didn’t want her to hear, or read, or whatever, my letters and then get sad. She wasn’t allowed to get sad because it would make her sicker. Or something like that. For the whole time though, I wasn’t allowed to go and see my best friend because she was too sick. That’s what I was told over and over. So I just kept writing letters, hoping I could help her.
Then one day, she wasn’t here anymore. She was gone. Gone meaning… you know, gone.
Towards the end, I stopped giving the letters to my parents, to give to her parents, to give to her. Something inside me said to keep the letters so I had something to remember her by. Those were the letters I gave to you to read. But you didn’t read them. You wanted me to tell you the story, but I tricked you. Because I bet you’re reading this. You said in your letter that there was another side of your life. And that you’d tell me. I want you to tell me.
I guess I still didn’t really answer why I left. Maybe I don’t have a good answer for you. Even though you deserve one. So here’s your choice, Trev, either I make up a cheap excuse, or you just let it go. I know that’s harsh, but it’s the truth. I’m sure there are pieces of the story about yourself that you won’t tell me. Because that’s what people do. They’re all messed up and they keep comfort in knowing that they have something hidden about themselves. It just depends on how bad it is.
As far as someone hurting me… the only person who hurts me is me.
And don’t say anything cheesy to that.
Serafina
I folded up the letter and stuffed it into my pocket.
The smell of the warm and greasy pizza made my nose twitch. And yet Sera had my heart racing.
So she lost her best friend. When she was young. She wrote letters to her best friend and they were never delivered. I knew what that felt like in the worst way. Writing letters to someone who would never get them. Read them. Care about the words.
“Shit,” I growled and grabbed the steering wheel.
I looked into the garage and saw Nick standing with a folded piece of pizza dangling over his mouth. Jerry stood with his arms folded and grease stains up them like a black shaded tattoo. Staring right at me.
I lifted one of the pieces of pizza and held it up. I gave a thumbs up and smiled.
Jerry shook his head and walked away.
I ate the damn pizza because I was starving.
But I didn’t enjoy it. Not even for a second.
“Serafina,” I whispered.
Her name rolled off my tongue so easily. I could still taste her skin when I licked my lips. I could still feel her mouth pressed against my chest as I thrust at her.
Everything about her was driving me insane. Her beauty. Her body. And her soul.
Her soul?
I shook my head.
What was wrong with me?
Nick walked to the end of the garage and stuck the pizza crust into his mouth and started making an obscene gesture with it.
I ignored him and snatched up my phone.
I sent a simple text to Sera.
Be at my place by 7 or else
Chapter 21
Serafina
I scrambled to drive to the garage and drop the letter off for Trev. Then I got out of there and had to go to a class where I paid absolutely no attention. I sat in the back of the large auditorium and took notes on social media marketing while chewing on my bottom lip and staring at my phone. What I wrote to Trev was as raw as I could possibly be without telling him everything. Which he wanted me to do in person. Which I was seriously considering doing. I mean, the story of my best friend was one thing… but the story about Max was another. That was some deep and dark secret that felt deeper
and darker with each day I let it continue. Even though he and I hadn’t been together in…
My phone buzzed.
Be at my place by 7 or else
My heart jumped out of my chest.
I didn’t reply to the message. I sat there and let the class finish up while taking no more notes, and the second it ended, I was the first person to bolt out the door and across campus.
Here was the thing. This wasn’t just about going over to Trev’s. It wasn’t about having a drink or two and then fooling around. It wasn’t about exploring that tattoo across his chest, or exploring the hard muscles of his body. It wasn’t about him exploring my body. Or all those fantasies I’d had about his tongue touching all the right places, bringing them to life.
No way.
Going over to Trev’s meant that things would get deeper. Much deeper. If we started sharing stories, what did that mean? That meant we were getting closer. Getting closer meant feelings. And feelings meant… a relationship or something?
Yeah, sure, Trev we could date… and have sex… but don’t mind that I’m having an affair with an old professor. Whoops. Should I have mentioned that?
The thoughts raced through my mind on the walk home.
It was really time to make some decisions. About a lot of things. Or I could just keep hiding and sliding my way through life. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to write letters back and forth with Trev. We could share our hearts without exposing them too much. Unless Trev was the kind of guy that thought he could love me. And if he thought that for a split second, then it was a good thing if he kept his heart guarded.
I would never set out to hurt Trev… but remember - he talked to me first.
* * *
Dear YOU,
I can’t take the silence anymore. They used to tell me stuff about you. It wasn’t all that bad to begin with. You were just sick. Just in the hospital. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. My heart was scared for you, but everyone said not to worry. That you were strong. That everything would be okay.
It was all lies. Nothing but stupid lies. And I hate lies. You know that.
When I ask questions now, I know I’m going to be lied to. Either that or given some kind of dumb answer. They keep telling me that you like to sleep. That sleep is good for you. That your body is going to fight back and things will work out. A couple of days ago, my mother started crying when she told me that. I asked her why she was crying since it was supposed to be a good thing. Instead of answering me, she just hugged me. She hugged me and kissed my head. Then she said she was going outside for a cigarette, but lit the cigarette in the kitchen. The smell makes my nose tingle. And then I have to go upstairs and spray all my clothes so I don’t smell like the kids in school that actually do smoke.
I don’t understand why I can’t see you. Talk to you. Even on the phone. My mother told me she would figure that out. That was days ago. I feel like everything is going so fast though. I mean, time always goes fast, right? Remember that one year… we were sitting outside, drinking our homemade lemonade, picking out animals in the clouds, and then it was suddenly Christmas Eve and it started to snow. You got trapped at my house overnight and we had the best Christmas morning ever. I didn’t even care about the presents under the tree. All I cared about was that you were there with me for it.
I keep thinking about sneaking out of my house to see you. I have my license. I can take my mother’s car. She’ll find out and get super mad at me, but I’d get to see you again. I just need to see you again. Even if I have to say goodbye. But I don’t want to ever say goodbye. OMG, how do I say goodbye to you? You’re my best friend ever. Who am I going to talk to about boys? What am I going to do if I fall in love and need your advice? You need to rest and fight and get better. If you go… a piece of me will too.
Love,
Serafina
* * *
It was seven-oh-one when I pulled into the parking spot outside Trev’s apartment. He wanted me there by seven. I didn’t get out of my car right away either. I sat there and thought about everything that could happen. Everything right. Everything wrong.
Trev said he cared. He showed me a side of himself that proved, so far, that he wasn’t like any other guy I’d ever met. Which was good. Really good. But the anticipation of knowing everything about each other was what kept everything together. It was the glue, and once it was taken away, what would happen?
I touched my keys and my phone buzzed.
I rolled my eyes, figuring it was Trev texting to tell me I was late.
It wasn’t Trev though.
It was Max.
home. free. care to chat?
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
This was one of those moments where I wished she were with me. This was where I needed a best friend to give me advice. Or maybe just slap me across the face for doing stupid stuff.
I looked up at the window where Trev had been looking down at me when I left his place that morning. That was one moment where I could have turned the car off and gone back inside to him. Have his strong arms wrap around me as I opened the rest of my vault to him.
“Dammit,” I whispered.
My phone buzzed again.
? ? ?
I raised an eyebrow.
Fuck you, Max.
I looked over to the passenger seat and saw all the letters. I’d brought them with me again. Maybe a part of me wanted to destroy them once I’d told Trev everything about my best friend. Shed that part of my past, because it had happened, and I couldn’t go back and fix it.
And then there was the Max situation…
I bit my lip.
I looked at the letters again. I looked at my phone. I looked forward.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
I put the car in reverse.
I was already falling for Trev. If I’d gone inside, I’d end up in love. And that was a dangerous game to me… even Trev said it himself.
All I could hope for was that Trev didn’t see me as I left.
Chapter 22
Trev
I had my keys in my pocket the entire time, knowing that something was going to happen. There was just something about Sera that made her want to hide. She wanted to curl up inside of a shell and be some kind of invisible. It shouldn’t have gotten to me the way it did because it wasn’t my problem. But at the same time, I could relate to it all. It was nice to have a shell. Some comfort. A place to hide. But not when that place was laced with pain.
I waited until the clock hit seven and I walked to the window and looked out.
There was no sign of Sera yet. I waited until I saw a car pull into the lot. She was a minute late as she pulled into the parking spot. She didn’t get out of the car right away either.
I backed away from the window and looked down at the keys in my hand.
I thought about the night of that dumb party. Getting tangled with those goons who were drunk and defending Heath’s honor as they took cheap punches at me for speaking the truth. The way I barreled down the narrow gap between the two houses and almost crashed right into Sera. Nobody in my life had ever struck me the way she did. I didn’t believe in love at first sight, even if it may have hit me in the gut harder than those guys punching me. What I did believe, was the look in her eyes. That the whole sign the banner and drink to Heath thing bothered her on a deeper level.
Which she started to confess in her letter. That her best friend had died.
But it went deeper.
Just like with me.
I could tell her all about my father and what happened. I could tell her about all my letters and who they were meant for. But that was just scraping the surface. If I wanted to tell her everything, then I’d have to admit that I had been sleeping with Becca. And all the reasons why it happened, why it continued, and how it meant nothing.
Truthfully, Sera and I… we’re just too fucked up for each other.
I looked out the window again and saw the screen of her phone light
up.
Another mystery text message.
That was the exact second I knew she was going to leave.
It took her almost a minute to start to back out of the spot.
It was just like the night we met. She and I together. Talking. Flirting. Then her phone suddenly going off and she took off. Damn near kicking the door open and doing all she could to escape, as though I were trying to kidnap her.
I didn’t have time to hesitate though.
I meant everything I wrote to her. Even if we were all messed up. Even if everything was wrong with us. I wanted her. I wanted to know everything about her, no matter what it was. I wanted to tell her everything about me, no matter what.
So that left me with one choice.
Follow Sera and find out where she was running to to hide.
* * *
I hated myself for it, but locked away in the pit of my heart, this was my attempt at a grand, romantic gesture. To show her that there was nothing she could do to hurt me and nothing I wouldn’t do to be there for her.
A part of me hoped she was just going home. But I knew better than that. She was like me. Looking for comfort in the wrong spot. When we had each other, we looked the other away, because caring meant being capable of hurting someone.
Why did hearts have to be so easy to break?
As I drove my truck at a safe distance behind her car, I thought about what John had said to me. That moron had been drinking and drove home. He took the cheapest shot at me, knowing right where to hit me hard. To make that comment about my father and his new life. Everything he left behind and everything he did. The empty promise that I would always fit into that new life like a piece of a puzzle. In reality, I was just a leftover part like you’d get in some box of furniture or something.
The thoughts kept punching me inside my head. Because John was right. And I hated John for being right.
EVERYTHING WRONG WITH US_a novel by: Page 13
