His ticket to Aisnar was still in his pocket. He walked slowly and carefully to the market-place and across it under dark trees to the Post-Telephone Bar. No bus was waiting. He had no idea when they ran. He went in and sat down, hunched over, shaking with cold, at one of the three tables. Presently the owner came out from a back room.
“When’s the next bus?” He could not think of the man’s name, Praspets, Prayespets, something like that. “Aisnar, eight-twenty in the morning,” the man said. —“To Portacheyka?” Stefan asked after a pause. —“Local to Portacheyka at ten.” —“Tonight?” —“Ten tonight.” —“Can you change this for a . . . ticket to Portacheyka?” He held out his ticket for Aisnar. The man took it and after a moment said, “Wait, I’ll see.” He went off again to the back. Stefan got change ready for a cup of coffee, and sat hunched over. It was seven-ten by the white-faced alarm clock on the bar. At seven-thirty when three big townsmen came in for a beer he moved as far back as he could, by the pool table, and sat there facing the wall, only glancing round quickly now and then to check the time on the alarm clock. He was still shaking, and so cold that after a while he put his head down on his arms and shut his eyes. Bruna said, “Stefan.”
She had sat down at the table with him. Her hair looked pale as cotton round her face. His head still hunched forward, his arms on the table, he looked at her and then looked down.
“Mr Praspayets telephoned us. Where were you going?”
He did not answer.
“Did they tell you to get out of town?”
He shook his head.
“They just let you go? Come on. I brought your coat, here, you must be cold. Come on home.” She rose, and at this he sat up; he took his coat from her and said, “No. I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Dangerous for you. Can’t face it, anyway.”
“Can’t face us? Come on. I want to get out of here. We’re driving back to Krasnoy tomorrow, we were waiting for you. Come on, Stefan.” He got up and followed her out. It was night now. They set off across the street and up the country road, Bruna holding a flashlight beamed before them. She took his arm; they walked in silence. Around them were dark fields, stars.
“Do you know what they did with . . .”
“They took him off in the truck, we were told.”
“I don’t— When everybody in the town knew who he was—” He felt her shrug. They kept walking. The road was long again as when he and Kasimir had walked it the first time without light. They came to the hill where the lights had appeared, the laughter and calling all round them in the rain. “Come faster, Stefan,” the girl beside him said timidly, “you’re cold.” He had to stop soon, and breaking away from her went blind to the roadside seeking anything, a fencepost or tree, anything to lean against till he could stop crying; but there was nothing. He stood there in the darkness and she stood near him. At last he turned and they went on together. Rocks and weeds showed white in the ragged circle of light from her flashlight. As they crossed the hillcrest she said with the same timidity and stubbornness, “I told mother we want to marry. When we heard they had you in jail here I told her. Not father, yet. This was—this was what he couldn’t stand, he can’t take it. But mother’s all right, and so I told her. I’d like to be married quite soon, if you would, Stefan.” He walked beside her, silent. “Right,” he said finally. “No good letting go, is there.” The lights of the house below them were yellow through the trees; above them stars and a few thin clouds drifted through the sky. “No good at all.”
1962
An die Musik
“A PERSON ASKING TO SEE YOU, SIR. Mr. Gaye.”
Otto Egorin nodded. This being his only free afternoon in Foranoy, it was inevitable that some young hopeful would find him out and waste it. He knew from the way his man said “person” that it was no one important. Still, he had been buried so long in managing his wife’s concert tour that it was refreshing to receive a postulant of his own. “Show him in,” he said, turning again to the letter he was writing, and did not look up till the visitor was well into the room and had had time to be impressed by the large, bald head of Otto Egorin engrossed in writing a letter. That first impression, Otto knew, would keep all but the brashest ones down. This one did not look brash: a short, shabby man leading a small boy by the hand and stammering about the great liberty—valuable time—great privilege— “Well, well,” said the impresario, moderately genial, since if not put at ease the timid often wasted more time than the brash, “playing chords since he could sit up, and the Appassionata since he was three? Or do you write your own sonatas, eh, my man?” The child stared at him with cold dark eyes. The man stammered and halted, “I’m very sorry, Mr. Egorin, I wouldn’t have—my wife’s not well, I take the boy out Sunday afternoons, so she doesn’t have to look after him—” It was really painful to see him going red, then pale, then red. “He’ll be no trouble,” he blundered on.
“What is it about then, Mr. Gaye?” asked Otto rather dryly.
“I write music,” Gaye said, and Otto saw then what he had missed in supposing the child to be yet another prodigy: the small roll of music-paper under the visitor’s arm.
“All right, good. Let me see it, please,” he said, putting out his hand. This was the point he dreaded with the shy ones. But Gaye did not explain for twenty minutes what he had tried to do and why and how, all the time clutching his compositions and sweating. He gave the roll of music to Egorin without a word, and at Egorin’s gesture sat down on the stiff hotel sofa, the little boy beside him, both of them nervous, submissive, with their strange, steady, dark eyes. “You see, Mr. Gaye, this is all that matters, after all, eh? This music you bring me. You bring it to me to look at: I want to look at it: so, please excuse me while I do so.” It was his usual speech after he had pried the manuscript away from a shy-talkative one. This one merely nodded. “It’s four songs and p-part of a Mass,” he said in his barely audible voice.
Otto frowned. He had been saying lately that he had had no idea how many idiots wrote songs until he married a singer. The first he glanced at relieved his suspicions, being a duet for tenor and baritone, and he remembered to smoothe the frown off his forehead. The last of the four caught his attention, a setting of a Goethe lyric. He moved very slightly as he sat at the desk, a mere twitch towards the piano, instantly repressed. No use raising hopes; to play a note of their stuff was to convince them at once that they were Beethoven and would be produced in the capital by Otto Egorin within the month. But it was a real bit of writing, that tune with the clever, yearning, quiet little accompaniment. He went on to the Mass, or rather three fragments of a Mass, a Kyrie, Benedictus, and Sanctus. The writing was neat, rapid, and crowded; music-paper is not cheap, thought Otto, glancing at his visitor’s shoes. At the same time he was hearing a solo tenor voice over a queer racket from organ, trombones, and double-basses, “Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini”—very queer stuff; but no, there now, just when it’s about to drive you mad it all turns to crystal, so simply, so simply you’d swear it was crystal all along. And the tenor, the poor devil singing double-piano way up there, find me the tenor who can do that and fight off the trombones too. The Sanctus: now, splendid, the trumpet, really splendid—Otto looked up. He had been tapping the side of his hand on the desk, nodding, grinning, muttering. That had blown it. “Come here!” he said angrily. “What’s your name? What’s this?”
“Ladislas Gaye. The—the— That’s the second trumpet.”
“Why isn’t it marked? Here, take it, play it!”
They went through the Sanctus five times. “Planh, pla-anh, planh!” Otto blared, a trumpet. “All right! Why do your basses come in there, one-two-three-four-boom in come the basses like elephants, where does that get you?”
“Back to the Sanctus, listen, here’s the organ under the tenors,” and the piano roared under Gaye’s husky tenor, “Sabaoth, then the cellos and the elephants, four, Sanctus! Sanctus! Sanctus!”
He sat back
from the piano, Otto took his eyes from the score. The room was silent.
Otto set straight a drooping red rose in the bouquet on the top of the hired piano. “And where do you expect to have this Mass sung?”
The composer was silent.
“Women’s chorus. Double men’s chorus. Full orchestra; brass choir; organ. Well, well. Let me see those songs again. Is this all you’ve written of the Mass?”
“The Credo isn’t orchestrated yet.”
“I suppose you’ll throw in double tympani for that? All right, here, where is it, the Goethe. Let me play.” He played through the song twice, then sat twiddling out one of the queer half-spoken phrases of the accompaniment. “It’s first rate, you know,” he said. “Absolutely first rate. What the devil. Are you a pianist? What are you?”
“A clerk.”
“A clerk? What kind of clerk? This is your hobby, eh, your amusement in spare time?”
“No, this is . . . this is what I . . .”
Otto looked up at the man: short and shabby, white with excitement, inarticulate.
“I want to know something about you, Gaye! You barge in, ‘I write music,’ you show me a little music, very good. Very good, this song, the Sanctus, the Benedictus too, that’s real work, I want to read it again. But I’ve been shown good writing before. Have you been performed? How old are you?”
“Thirty.”
“What else have you written?”
“Nothing else of any size—”
“At thirty? Four songs and half a Mass?”
“I haven’t much time to work.”
“This is nonsense. Nonsense! You don’t write this kind of thing without practice. Where did you study?”
“Here, at the Schola Cantorum—till I was nineteen.”
“With whom? Berdicke, Chey?”
“Chey and Mme Veserin.”
“Never heard of her. And this is all you’ll show me?”
“The rest isn’t good, or isn’t finished—”
“How old were you when you wrote this song?”
Gaye hesitated. “Twenty, I think.”
“Ten years ago! What have you been doing since? You ‘want to write music,’ eh? Well, write it! What else can I say? This is good, absolutely good, and so is that racket with the trombones. You can write music, but, my dear man, what can I do about it? Can I produce four songs and half a Mass by an unknown student of Vaslas Chey? No. You want encouragement, I know. Well, that I give. I encourage you. I encourage you to write more music. Why don’t you?”
“I realise this is very little,” Gaye brought out stiffly. His face was contorted, one hand was fiddling and pulling at the knot of his tie. Otto was sorry for him and unnerved by him. “Very little, why not make it more?” he said, genial. Gaye looked down at the piano keys, put his hand on them; he was shaking. “You see,” he began, then turned away with a jerk, stooping, hiding his face with his hands, and broke into sobs. Otto sat like a stone on the piano bench. The small boy, forgotten all this time, sitting with his grey-stockinged legs hanging over the edge of the sofa, slipped down and ran to his father; of course he was blubbering too, but he kept pulling at his father’s coat, trying to get at his hand, whispering, “Papa, don’t, papa, please don’t.” Gaye knelt and put his arm around the child. “Sorry, Vasli, don’t worry, it’s all right. . . .” But he was not yet in control of himself. Otto rose with some majesty, and called in his wife’s maid. “Take the laddie, go give him candy, make him happy, eh?” The girl, a calm Swiss who knew all Central Europeans were mad, nodded, ignoring the weeping man, and said, “Come, what’s your name?”
The child held on to his father.
“Go with her, Vasli,” Gaye said. The child let her take his hand, and went out with her.
“You have a fine little boy,” said Otto. “Now, sit down, Gaye. Brandy? A little, eh?” He opened and shut desk drawers, puffed and grunted to himself, put a glass in Gaye’s hand, sat down again at the desk.
“I can’t—” Gaye began, worn out, at rock bottom.
“No, you can’t; neither can I; these things happen. You were more surprised than I, perhaps. But listen now, Ladislas Gaye. I have no time for the woes of all the world, I have a great many cares of my own and I’m very busy. But since we’ve come so far, I’d like to know what makes you break down like this.”
Gaye shook his head. With the submissiveness that had vanished only while they were going through his score, he answered Otto’s questions. He had had to quit the music school when his father died; he now supported his mother, his wife, his three children on his pay as clerk for a plant that made ballbearings and other small steel parts. He had worked there eleven years. Four evenings a week he gave piano lessons, for which they let him use a practice-room at the Schola Cantorum.
Otto did not find much to say for a while. “The good Lord has seen fit to give you bad luck,” he remarked. Gaye did not reply. Indeed, good or bad luck seemed hardly adequate to describe this kind of solid, persevering mismanagement of the world, from which Ladislas Gaye and most other men suffered, and Otto Egorin, for no clear reason, did not. “Why did you come to see me, Gaye?”
“I had to. I knew what you’d have to say, that I haven’t written enough. But when I heard you were to be here, I swore to myself I’d see you, I had to. They know me at the Schola, but they’re busy with their students, of course; since Chey died there’s no one who . . . I had to see you. Not for encouragement, but to see a man who lives for music, who arranges half the concerts in the country, who stands for . . . for . . .”
“For success,” said Otto Egorin. “Yes, I know. I wanted to be a composer. When I was twenty, in Vienna, I used to go look at the house where Mozart lived, I used to go stare at Beethoven’s tomb in the cemetery. I called on Mahler, on Richard Strauss, every composer who came to Vienna. I soaked myself in their success, the dead and the living. They had written music and it was played. Even then, you see, I knew I was not a real composer, and I needed their reality, to make life mean anything at all. That’s not your problem. You need only to be reminded that there is music—eh? That not everyone makes steel ballbearings.”
Gaye nodded.
“Is there no one else,” Otto asked abruptly, “to take care of mama?”
“My sister married a Czech fellow, they live in Prague. . . . And she’s bedridden, my mother.”
“Yes. And there would still be the wife with the nervous disorder, and the kids, eh, and the bills, and the steel-ballbearings plant. . . . Well, Gaye, I don’t know. You know, there was Schubert. I often wonder about Schubert, it’s not just you that makes me think of him. Why did God create Franz Schubert? To expiate some other men’s sins? Also, why did he kill the man off the moment he reached the level of the last quintet? —But Schubert didn’t wonder why God had created him. To write music, of course. Du holde Kunst, ich danke dir! Incredible. The little, sickly, ugly crackpot with glasses, scribbling his music like any other crackpot, never hearing it played—Du holde Kunst! How would you say it, ‘thou gracious Art, thou kindly Art’? As if any art were kindly, gracious, gentle! Have you ever thought of throwing it over, Gaye? Not the music. The rest.”
He met the gaze of the strange, cold, dark eyes and refused to be ashamed, to apologise. Gaye had said that he, Otto Egorin, lived for music. He did. He might be a good bourgeois; he might be very sorry for a poor devil who needed nothing in God’s world but a little cash in order to be a good composer; but he would not apologise to the poor devil’s sick mother and sick wife and three brats. If you live for music you live for music.
“I’m not made so.”
“Then you’re not made to write music.”
“You thought differently when you were reading my Sanctus.”
“Du lieber Herr Gott!” Otto exploded. He was a great patriot, but his mother and his upbringing had been Viennese and in moments of real emotion he reverted to German. “All right! Did it ever occur to you, my dear young man, that you incur a certain r
esponsibility in writing something like that Sanctus? That you become answerable? That music has no arthritis, no nervous disorders, no hungry potbelly and ‘Papa, papa, I want this, I want that,’ but all the same she depends on you, on you alone? Other men can feed brats and keep sick women. But no other man can write your music!”
“Yes, I know that.”
“But you’re not quite sure anyone would undertake to feed the brats and keep the women. Probably they wouldn’t. Doch, doch—you’re too gentle, too gentle, Gaye.” Otto strode up and down the room on his bandy legs, snorting and grimacing.
“When I finish the Mass may I send it to you?”
“Yes. Yes, of course. I shall be pleased to see it. When will it be? Ten years from now? ‘Gaye, who the devil’s Gaye, where did I meet him—this is good—a young fellow, he shows promise—’ And you’ll be forty, getting tired, ready for a little arthritis or nervous disorder yourself. Certainly send me your Mass! . . . You have great talent, Gaye, you have great courage, but you’re too gentle, you must not try to write a big work like this Mass. You can’t serve two masters. Write songs, short pieces, something you can think of while you work at this Godforsaken steel plant and write down at night when the rest of the family’s out of the way for five minutes. Write them on anything, unpaid bills, whatever, and send them to me, don’t think you have to pay two and a half kroner a sheet for this fine paper, you can’t afford fine paper—when they’re printed is time to think of that. Send me songs, not ten years from now but a month from now, and if they’re as good as this Goethe song I’ll give you a section on my wife’s program in Krasnoy in December. Write little songs, not impossible Masses. Hugo Wolf, you know—Hugo Wolf wrote only songs, eh?”
Ursula K. Le Guin Page 54
