“Do you really think that’s what she needs?”
“You don’t need to concern yourself with that any more. A long time ago I left you in charge of seeing to her needs. Look what that’s got me. Well, I’m relieving you of that duty now.”
“She tell you she wanted me out of her life?”
He nodded, and I pretended his acknowledgement didn’t crush me. “The competition between you and me has gone on long enough.” He glared at me. “It’s over now. You and her. You and me.”
This confrontation with Dominic had a sense of inevitability about it, but then so had that mind-blowing kiss with Karen. She had tasted like hope, like a dream as boundless as the ocean.
“You know I’ve never been really good at following orders, Patch.” I managed to straighten to my full height which put me at a slight advantage over him.
“Perhaps you need a little more persuasion.” He gave me a look. The Marines had made him hard. There had been some serious muscle behind the blows he had dealt me, but I wasn’t backing down now.
She was too important to me.
We stood nose to nose with the backdrop of Central Park filling the floor to ceiling windows behind us. It was just him and me now, our friendship at a definite end. I had severed whatever had remained of our brotherly bond the moment I had kissed his wife. Now it was just an affronted soldier versus an arrogant rocker. I played that card, looking down my nose at him. I might lose, but I wouldn’t go down without swinging.
“We both know that if you weren’t worried that she’ll change her mind the minute she has a chance to think it through you wouldn’t be here. And you should be worried after the way she responded to me. The decision isn’t yours to make. The choice belongs to the lady.”
“The way she climaxed around my cock twice last night and once this morning says she’s made her choice.”
I would’ve wiped the sneer off his face, except that his words hit their target, dead center, blasting my hopes to oblivion. The shimmering particles raining like ash. I didn’t even manage to pull in another breath before he pressed his advantage.
“I don’t know why you decided to step over that line after all this time, but it was a bullshit move. It just proves what type of man you really are. One without honor. Karen might have let you steal that kiss, but her heart will always be locked away from you. I always had it. You will never be the right man for her. You weren’t back then and you aren’t now. You slipped her mind the minute I returned.”
“You’ve been away too long, Patch,” I allowed. “Go. Finish up your tour. Stay safe because despite what you think of me I don’t wish you any harm. But know this. You might have her heart now, but you don’t own it and you don’t know it the way you think you do.” Not like I did. “More money won’t make Karen happy. Fancy things aren’t what she needs to feel secure.” I had gotten it wrong buying the shop for her. She had passed it to Simone for pennies. Love was the key, love plus nothing else.
I clung to that key to Karen’s heart like a pauper because it was all I had left.
Chapter Thirty-One
* * *
Karen - December 2012
I couldn’t remember ever feeling happier. Dominic was coming home for good. He was never going back to the military. He was meeting me here in Ocean Beach, and I had a huge surprise for him.
The best Christmas present ever.
Smiling softly at that thought, I closed my eyes and tipped my face up to the warm Cali sun. I listened to the soothing sounds of my ocean for a moment, the boom of the breakers and their whispers as they unraveled on the shore. When I opened my eyes, I followed the surfers as they zipped in and out under the pier churning up the foam with their boards. For once, I wasn’t even envious that I wasn’t out there with them.
But I had to fill my senses with as much OB as I could get. After the New Year, it would be back to New York until Dominic found a job. But I would cope with the confined spaces. I would do Maryland or DC or wherever we needed to be. I was letting go of the past. I committed to being the type of wife Dominic wanted. I can do it all, I reminded myself again. Anything. Even survive the grave wound to my heart after giving up my friendship with Ramon.
“Mrs. Campo.”
I shifted awkwardly, hand on my protruding belly, swiveling around on the narrow concrete wall to face the unfamiliar man who had called my name.
Two fully decorated Marines in full dress blues stood before me, the medals on their uniforms gleaming garishly in the sunlight that I had found pleasing only a moment before. My eyes grew wide, my heart leapt out of my chest.
“That’s me,” I answered though no one ever called me that, not even my obstetrician.
“The secretary of the Army regrets to inform you…”
“No.” I felt a sharp pain in my midsection and a knife twisting in my heart. The terrible words seemed to echo down some long tunnel. My ears rang and my vision faded as the ground rushed up to meet me.
2015
Present Day
Chapter Thirty-Two
* * *
Karen
“Can’t you do anything?” Simone’s plea sounded so far away. “Look at her face. She’s in pain.”
“No,” I cried. “No.” I watched myself from a distance, relieving the devastation in my mind. The terrible pain in my abdomen. The gush of blood that had followed and the trip to the hospital. The panicked look on my father’s face. The agony in my heart. The exponential loss. The crippling guilt. “No,” I chanted the denial as if it had the power to change anything. “No. No. No.”
“Please doctor. There must be something you can give her.”
“A sedative would only prolong her unconsciousness. We need her to wake up in order to assess her properly.”
“Simone?” I called, recognizing her voice.
“Yes, honey, I’m here.” She sounded frightened. I was scared, too. I cracked open my heavy eyelids and peered up at her. She hovered over my bed, her expression tight with concern.
“The baby. Where’s my baby?”
“Oh, honey.” She closed her eyes briefly, and in that short time, I found my bearings. I rushed headlong from the past into the present. I turned my head to the side. A body wracking sob stole my voice for a long moment.
“She’s gone.” My statement pried loose from my lips picking at the edges of the permanent wound. “I remember. You don’t have to say the words.”
Please, don’t say the words, my heart cried.
Simone’s eyes filled. She squeezed my hand. She had been at the hospital the day I lost my baby. The trauma of losing Dominic had caused a placenta abruption. She had stuck by me for the three difficult years as I had tried every way I could think of to come to terms with the grief and the guilt.
“Can I have a minute alone?” I whispered.
“Sure, honey, but…”
“Mrs. Campo,” the doctor with the detached demeanor stepped closer. I hated for anyone to call me that anymore. Nausea churned my stomach round and round like flotsam in the surf.
“It’s Karen. Just Karen Grayson now.”
“Yes, Miss Grayson. Do you remember anything happened? How you ended up here?
“I had my board. I was going to work. Ramon said…” I trailed off. His advice for me to stop running and to get back to being myself again…that was private. “Then the car almost hit me. That girl, the young one with the Lakers cap that hangs out by the pier, she pushed me out of the way. She saved my life. But I hit my head on the pavement, I think.”
“Good. That’s very good. That story collaborates with the statements from those at the scene. Your CT scan was essentially negative. You suffered a nasty scalp wound and a significant concussion, but you’ll be ok. I’ll go start the paperwork for your discharge. You’ll have to stay overnight as a precaution, but if all goes well, you should be able to leave the hospital in the morning.”
I turned to Simone as the doctor left the room. “It came back to me. The memories. When I los
t consciousness.” I told her. The residue of enduring regrets lingered in my eyes as I looked at her.
“I’m so sorry.”
I nodded slowly and swallowed with difficulty. “Not all of them were bad. My beautiful wedding. The good friends. You. Ramon. How happy I was to be pregnant. Then that awful day by the pier.”
I sometimes feared Dominic’s death represented some sort of cosmic payback for what had happened with Ramon.
“I was a horrible wife.”
“Nonsense. You were very much in love with your husband. Everyone knew you how devoted to him you were. But love has to be nurtured in order to survive. You did a lot of that surviving by yourself.”
“Maybe,” I allowed.
“No maybes about it, honey. It’s easy to idealize the way things were. The truth is that we all screw up. Don’t let the missteps of the past prevent you from moving forward to the future that you deserve.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
* * *
Ramon
I’m alright,” Karen insisted. “Head wounds bleed a lot. You heard the doctor. It really wasn’t as bad as it looked. I…”
“Hey.” I rapped on the open door to announce my presence to her parents. Her gaze had already flicked my way, so I knew she had seen me. “Complete your thought. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just stopping by to see how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine. But I’ll be better once my parents stop making such a fuss.”
“That’s what parents do.” Her eyes narrowed in response. She didn’t appreciate me siding with them. I saw something else as she held my gaze that made me wonder if time had slid backward for her like it had for me while she had been unconscious.
“I don’t need you to drive me.” Karen returned her gaze to her parents. They had their arms around each other, each wearing stubborn expressions that mirrored hers. “I like walking.” Her voice rose and the crease between her brows deepened. “The accident could have happened regardless.”
“Karen.” Her dad used that authoritative fatherly tone, the same one my pop invoked whenever he was getting ready to lay down the law with me. “You’re not a child anymore. I can’t make you do anything.” She rubbed her forehead as he spoke. I could tell she had a headache brewing and that the arguing wasn’t helping. “I understand you want your independence, but I hope that you’ll make the wise choice when it comes to your health.”
“Yes, Daddy, alright.” She squeezed her eyes shut and sagged into the hospital bed looking and sounding as if she were nineteen again.
“I can shuttle her back and forth to work,” I offered.
Karen’s eyes opened, brimming with unexpected relief. “Could you? That would be a real help. My mom has enough to manage with my dad and his memory problems.” I glanced his way speculatively. He didn’t seem impaired to me. “Are you sure it won’t be too much trouble?”
“No trouble at all,” I emphasized. I didn’t tell her how much the thought of spending time with her every day appealed to me.
I felt her mother’s assessing gaze on me. “Tom, it’s getting late.” She stepped closer to Karen, kissed her on the cheek and murmured to her about getting some rest. “We’ll pick you up first thing in the morning.”
Waiting for my turn to be alone with Karen, I tucked my hands into the pockets of my board shorts as her dad said his goodnight.
“See you in the morning, Sunshine.” He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. His adoring daughter reached for his hand and squeezed his fingers before he withdrew.
“Ramon, thank you.” Tom nodded his approval as he escorted his wife toward the door.
“It’s really no problem, sir.”
He stopped to study me for a long moment. “I believe you,” he decided. “Don’t stay too long. The doctor said she’ll probably have a bad headache. But you know she’ll play it down. See if you can get her to take the Tylenol they prescribed.”
“Will do,” I confirmed, moving toward my stubborn patient as her parents made their exit. “Hey, surfer girl,” I said, stroking my hand down her arm. “You gave us all quite a scare today.”
“I know.” She turned her head away. “I’m sorry. I should have been more careful.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. It was an accident.”
“I know. You’re right. I just hate that everybody’s lives got turned upside down with my drama.”
She had been turning my life upside down from the day I had met her, but I didn’t get into that.
“Karen. Look at me.” I gently grasped her chin and turned her pretty face toward me. She focused her soft as the seashore eyes on me. I could see the shadows of the past concealed within them.
“Your perspective is all skewed on this. Yeah, everyone dropped whatever the hell they were doing when they found out you had been hurt. But not a one of the shit-ton of your friends out in the waiting room was thinking about it being an inconvenience. I’ve never seen a room full of people more visibly relieved than when the doctor came out and told us all you were going to be ok.”
“But if I had been more careful…”
“That’s not the real issue, is it? I can see it in your eyes.” I held her gaze. “I know what being here in this hospital is doing to you. Don’t withdraw into the past. The present is where you belong. Stay with us.”
Stay with me, I pleaded silently. Let me back into your life where I belong.
“That’s difficult to do. The best parts of my life are back there.”
“I used to think that way, too. But I did a lot of reflecting while you were unconscious. A lot of soul searching. I think if we keep our feet in the past, we become mired in the unchangeable. We miss the opportunity to find the best path in the here and now. No more walking backward.” I could have lost her today. Maybe there was nothing I could do to absolve myself of the blame I knew I would always bear for Patch’s death. It had been in this very hospital, right after she had lost the baby when I had overheard her telling Simone that Dominic would never have taken that last tour if it hadn’t been for me. I couldn’t change that fact. I knew she could never feel the way I wanted her to feel about me because of that, but I would be a fool not to take what I could get. “Patch isn’t coming back. Stop acting like you died with him. You owe it to yourself, not to mention your family and friends, to live your life. This accident was a wakeup call for all of us. Life is precious. Don’t turn your back on it anymore. Take a moment to look around, to get a feel for the set pattern of the waves, then get back on your board, surfer girl and grab the best looking wave you can find.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
* * *
Karen
I closed the door of my room behind me, assessing as I glanced around at the bookshelves that celebrated times gone by. High school mementos. My prom and homecoming crowns. Pictures of Dominic and me. One of our wedding on the beach. One someone had taken when we had been on the road with the Dogs. Him in his uniform. There weren’t many of our final years together. Those times we’d shared during his days in the service time we hadn’t bothered with pictures—we, or mainly I, had been so desperate to live a lifetime in those fleeting moments that I hadn’t even thought about preserving them on film.
But there was no future here. Ramon was right. He might be a year younger than me, but he always seemed wiser, certainly more experienced. As much as I thought I had grown in the years I had been married to Dominic, I was beginning to see that I had really been stuck in limbo, and I had lingered there even after his death.
My flip flops sunk into the area rug as I crossed the room and sat on the little double bed still covered by the same white ruffled comforter from my childhood. My life had become as much a monument to the past as this room. Getting sober had been a major step to getting my life back in order. Coming home and coming to terms with what had happened so I could move forward was an even bigger one.
I hugged my arms around my body and dropped my chin to my chest. Relucta
nce was a tightly wound, hard to unravel tangle within it.
Because letting go of the past meant letting go of her, too.
“Baby girl,” I whispered pulling in a shaky breath. Tears filled my eyes blurring my vision as I imagined her the way I always did with blonde hair and a smile like her father’s. “I wish I could have held you, fed you, tucked you in at night, watched you grow, taught you how to surf.” My breath hitched. “I wish I hadn’t failed you.”
All that maternal joy once so gentle and beautiful suddenly ripped away in a hurricane of grief. I swallowed. The walls began to close in on me the way the way they so often did in New York. Never had I felt that way here in OB. I dug my fingers into my upper arms, nails marking my skin, refocusing myself. This was here. This was now. This was about me getting better.
I couldn’t go back there anymore.
The doorbell rang.
I turned my head toward the sound and heard the front door downstairs open, then muffled, distant, deep voices.
“Karen,” my dad called.
I swiped the tears from my cheeks and cleared the knot of pain from my throat. “Yeah, Dad?” I managed.
“Ramon’s here to take you to work.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Ramon being here gave me the last bit of courage I needed. I might be a little lost. I might be a little daunted by the task before me. I might not know exactly how I was going to get back to the person I was before but the key to rediscovery had arrived and was waiting downstairs. It was time for me to make that next step. The one I had avoided for too long. I threaded my fingers together and curled them tight. “Goodbye, my beautiful baby girl,” I managed after a moment, though my voice was thick. “I’ll always love you and your daddy. I’ll see you both one day, up there in heaven…when the time is right. But until then I need to try harder to make the most of the life that I have left.”
(Complete Rock Stars, Surf and Second Chances #1-5) Page 46
