He had always been the strong one.
It was my turn now.
I swiped the tears from my face at the bottom of the stairs. Pasting on a determined smile, I entered the kitchen, interrupting my mom and Ramon. Sitting across from each other, they had apparently been deep in conversation. They stood together and searched my face.
My mom broke the silence. “You shouldn’t have gone up. Now you’re upset, too.”
“I am,” I admitted. “But it’s ok. This isn’t something you can shelter me from, Mom. I know you want to protect me, but we’re family. We’ll see this through together.”
Why did that sentiment sound so much like what Ramon had told me about our past?
Was it because we were friends building toward something more, the way I hoped? Or was I reading too much into things?
“I’ll be back later, Mom,” I informed her. “I’ll help. This is too much for you to take on alone.”
“It’s not. I love him, sweetie. For better or worse. That’s what we promised. This is a rough spot. Another step down. He may stabilize at this level for a while. That’s the way the disease works. We talked about this already,” she said gently. “We both want you to live your life.” She glanced at Ramon, leaving me to wonder yet again what they had been talking about.
“Alright, Mom. But call me if you need me. After seeing Dominic’s dad today, I have no more commitments.”
“I think you do.” She smiled softly, eyes on Ramon, who had picked up the grocery bag and moved to my side.
• • •
“Hey, pretty Karen.” Franklin shuffled to the door. His back must have been bothering him. He often overdid it in the yard. Eyes that were dulled with pain brightened when he saw Ramon with me.
“What a nice surprise.” He didn’t mention Ramon’s absence since the funeral. Ramon visibly relaxed. He had been uncertain. He shouldn’t have been. I had tried to tell him it would be ok, that Dominic’s dad held no animosity toward him, but sometimes you just had to find things out for yourself.
“Come in.” The older man held open the door.
“I’ll put these up.” I turned toward the kitchen. “I know where everything goes. I’ll meet you in the living room.”
It didn’t take me more than a few minutes to unpack and put everything inside his mostly empty refrigerator. I think he preferred my mom’s cooking over anything the supermarket had. I couldn’t blame him.
When I entered the living room, I caught Ramon bragging about my surf class. His pride in my minor accomplishment sent my feet floating off the ground. Ramon patted the spot beside him, and I could feel Franklin’s speculative gaze on me as I moved to take it.
“I knew that the little guy had a crush on her.” The former staff sergeant nodded. “I’m not surprised she didn’t notice.” His knowing gaze honed in on the two of us. “For some reason it’s often hardest to see the things that are right in front of you.” The old Marine smiled softly as Ramon laced his fingers with mine. “I wondered when you would finally let her know how you feel.”
“I…is this ok with you?” I asked.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Franklin’s expression softened more. “I’m a tired old man. My boy, he’s gone. It is a loss that will never get easier to bear. But you are a vibrant young woman, Karen. I have told you many times that you should move on.”
“You were never able to.”
“Ah.” Pain flashed dark in his eyes. I leaned forward taking his hand in mine, recognizing the survivor’s guilt. “Passion like Mirabelle and I shared burns bright for as long as it endures.” He sandwiched my hand between the two of his, his gaze searching. “You loved your husband well. You have been good to me. Don’t you think it is your turn to find love again?”
I closed my eyes, wishing that it could be true for Ramon and me, hoping if I offered him the whole of myself that he would take it. When I reopened my eyes and refocused, Franklin nodded approvingly.
“Good. Sometimes the Lord takes, and he doesn’t give back, and we have to learn to be strong on our own. Sometimes he returns a blessing, one we weren’t expecting. You have been that to me, pretty Karen. I hope you two will learn to be that for each other.”
• • •
Ramon
As soon as we got back to the house, I sent Karen out to the deck. She had been quiet and contemplative since seeing her dad. If I hadn’t thought she needed to eat, I would’ve taken her surfing instead. I heated up leftover mole. I finished mine, but watched her push around her food for thirty minutes before I tried to get her to open up about it.
“How long ago did your dad get diagnosed?”
“About six months.” She continued staring out at the waves. “At first my mom was in denial claiming the cognitive tests were flawed. But when he got lost coming back from the grocery store several times in a row she had to face reality. I only wish I had come home sooner.” She looked down at her lap as if just remembering her food. “I’m not very hungry. I’m sorry.” She looked up at me. “You cooked. I’ll clean up.”
“Alright.” I could tell she was trying to stay busy to avoid talking about the painful subject. “That sounds like a deal. I’ll go down to the music room to play my guitar. If you change your mind and wanna talk I’m a pretty good listener.”
“I remember. Thanks, Ramon. It was good to have you around today.” There was a note of melancholy in her tone, but I let it slide since she seemed to need her own space for a while.
“I always enjoy spending time with you, Karen. Even if we don’t do anything more than stare at the ocean.”
With that truth out in the open, I padded downstairs, located a pencil and a steno, and started scribbling out some thoughts.
You put on your bravest face and wipe away a tear
You smile and say you love him so that he won’t see your fear
You smooth down his uniform and watch him march away
To his patriotic duty fighting for the U.S.A.
Now he’s far across the ocean and you can’t do a thing
But lay awake and worry waiting for the phone to ring
Dreading every day and every knock upon the door
While your bed at night lies empty like a hundred nights before.
No longer by your side
Even further from his mind
So put away your pride
You’re the one who’s left behind.
Cherub face and angel fingers fashioned by a master’s hand
Tiny feet to walk beside you forming footprints in the sand.
But some steps are never taken and some days never dawn
Somehow hold yourself together though your hopes for her are gone.
Your dreams are cast aside
To the corners of your mind
Go there now and hide
Cause you’re the one who’s left behind.
How can you pretend that everything’s the same
When the man you know as father can’t recall his daughter’s name?
When you send your prayers to heaven hoping someone there will hear
But your cries just fall on deaf ears as you watch him disappear.
He’s still by your side
But you’re no longer on his mind
It tears you up inside
To be the one who’s left behind.
Walking through your weary world
You soldier on alone
Where will you find the strength
To make it on your own?
You need them by your side
Now they’re only in your mind
Nowhere left to hide
You’re the one who’s left behind.
• • •
Karen
The dishes done, standing on the deck, I was worrying about my dad when the music began vibrating the sliding glass partition. It called me away from my concern and the ocean like a siren, one I couldn’t and didn’t even try to resist.
I tiptoed down the
stairs. Ramon didn’t even notice me when I sat down on one of the steps. He had taken his shirt off. Clad only in his charcoal board shorts, I swooned inwardly. A shirtless guy with a guitar was sexy. Ramon holding his favorite one was an instant turn on. His head down, curls over his eyes, his fingers flowed over the ebony fretboard, coaxing music from it, a beautiful melody that I had never heard. Yet, it felt familiar. He created a mood with a chime effect on his foot petal and a picking pattern with a simple chord progression that was breathtaking in its execution. When he started singing, I came completely undone.
I lost track of how many times he played the tune, making subtle adjustments to the lyrics or chords, scribbling on a steno pad he kept nearby. But eventually, my head grew heavy. I leaned it against the railing, rested my eyes and dreamed we were dancing together to that perfect melody.
I woke some time later in his arms as he carried me up the stairs. I draped my arms around his neck, snuggled into his chest, closer to his warm body and his delicious scent. “I dreamed about you,” I confessed to him sleepily.
“Oh yeah?” He raised that imperial brow.
I had trouble focusing on it as sleep beckoned once more. “Uh-huh.” I yawned and closed my eyes. “But don’t worry. I’m not falling in love with you again.”
Chapter Fifty-Three
* * *
Karen
No kisses in the night. No making love in the shower. No sexual demands of any sort. Subdued and thoughtful, Ramon let me sleep until the last minute.
“Wake up, Karen.” He stroked my cheek with the softest brush of his fingers, calloused from years of playing.
“Mmm.” I covered his hand with my own and pressed his palm into my skin. “Five more minutes, please.”
“Babe, I’d let you, but you won’t have any time to surf if you don’t get up now.”
I popped open my eyes to see his handsome face inches from mine, his half-clothed body bent over me. I wanted to touch more than just his face, but I had promised myself before watching him play all night that I wouldn’t fall for him. Deep down I knew it was already too late. The passion Franklin had spoken of described my feelings for Ramon. The heat of those emotions burned me from the inside out. Too bad for me the fire didn’t burn in him.
Reluctantly, I released his hand, ducking my head under the pillow. “I don’t feel like going out today.”
Silence followed. A long span of it. I thought he had left, but the bed suddenly dipped beside me. He pulled the pillow away. I blinked at him with strands of hair tangled in front of my eyes.
“I gave you some space last night because I thought you needed it. But you can’t keep running away from your problems. You’re upset about your dad. I get that.” I glanced away. He captured my chin in his warm but gentle grip. “Don’t hide your feelings from me. Share them. Let me help if I can. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
“Yes.” I nodded, dislodging his grip. “Friends.” We were always that, though it wasn’t enough for me anymore. I couldn’t go back after having him as a lover. I dreaded the slow death of watching him move on to Vanessa, and the next, and then another. His touch warmed me better than the ocean’s current on my skin. His kisses lifted me like the crest of a powerful wave. His arms felt like the inside of the perfect tube, just the two of us together with the rest of the world on the other side of the curtain. I sighed and resisted touching his earnest face and the tempting coating of morning stubble. There was nothing to be done, with my dad or the looming heartbreak with Ramon. I had as little control over what was happening between us as I did with my dad’s illness. It seemed like all I could do was seize and savor every good moment I had left with both of them.
• • •
The shop bell jingled my arrival.
“You’re late.” Simone looked up, her brow furrowed as I entered the surf shop. On the counter beside her rested a small stack of receipts.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. The crease between her brows deepened. She cocked her head to the side.
“Your hair’s not wet? You didn’t go surfing this morning?”
I shook my head.
“But the forecast is divine. Everyone’s out that can get out today.”
I shrugged.
She stepped out from behind the counter, grasping my shoulders when she got close enough to do so. “What’s going on?” she asked gently, studying my face. “You know I’m not really mad about you being late. It’s not like we’re overrun with customers. I wanted to talk with you about that today. About you taking ownership back again.”
“But the shop’s yours,” I told her.
“In name only, Karen. You gave it to me for twenty bucks. That doesn’t constitute a legitimate sale. It was only successful when you ran it. You have the vision, like with the surf lessons. The uptick in sales we’ve had this month is largely due to that.” She moved my braid to my back. “But let’s table that talk for another day. Did something happen with your dad? Or is this because of Ramon?”
“Both.” I looked her in the eyes, mine filling. Hers glassed in response.
“Oh, honey.” She hugged me tight, and the tears spilled down my cheeks when she pulled back to look at me again. “Tell me everything.”
I started with the news of my dad’s downturn. Her expression grew soft, her eyes knowing. She had dealt with a long decline with her mom, though it had been cancer instead of dementia that had taken her life. “I’m so sorry. I’m here to help however I can, but I think you know that. And the other thing that’s troubling you, I’ve already guessed. You’re in love with Ramon.”
“Yes, but he’s not in love with me.”
“Are you kidding?” She looked taken aback. “He can’t take his eyes off you.”
I shook my head.
Lust, maybe. But even that seemed to have waned. He hadn’t tried anything last night or this morning.
“We had an agreement. I asked him to get me pregnant.” I shouldn’t have done it. So afraid of another rejection, I had wanted him badly enough to throw decorum to the wind. “I am very much in love with him, but it’s not reciprocal.” I told her about Vanessa. Her eyes flaring in response, I squeezed her arms. “I love you. Love that you’re upset for me. But don’t blame Ramon. It’s not his fault if he doesn’t feel the same way. And don’t tell Linc, please. Or Ash.”
“I won’t honey.”
“Thanks.”
“I love you, Karen.”
“I know. I’m lucky to have you.”
“Me, too.”
I nodded, my vision of my friend wavy through a new flood of tears, this time bittersweet grateful ones.
• • •
“How’d work go today?” Ramon asked, leaning an elbow on the surf shop counter.
“Better.” I glanced up from the daily receipts I was totaling to answer. “A couple more good days like today will go a long way toward making this place profitable.” I gnawed on my bottom lip trying not to pathetically stare at him. He looked delectable, his curls windblown, his handsome face freshly shaved, the bronzed planes and angles of it masculine perfection. His irresistible lips curved up slightly noting my interest. His favorite Aerosmith tee crisp and pressed, hugged his sculpted torso. I had used the extra time before he brought me into work to do laundry. My own cutoffs and halter top were rumpled in contrast, my hair wild. Wisps of it had escaped my braid, a byproduct of my restless fingers and nervous energy. Though he had woken me early enough to surf and eat the breakfast he had cooked, I hadn’t felt like doing either. “How about you?” I chirped. “How did your day go?” My gaze slid to the side. “Did you work some more on that song? It is wonderful by the way.”
“Thanks. I’m glad you like it.” He sounded detached, and it hadn’t escaped my notice that he hadn’t answered my question about what he had done during the eight hours I had been working.
Shop key in a tight grip, backpack retrieved from under the counter, I held it like a shield in front of me as I lifted my gaze. “Were
you in the studio all day?”
“Yeah, mostly but I had a noon meeting with my accountant. I would have rather eaten lunch with you.”
“Oh.” Hope fluttered inside my chest. “Simone and I had to skip lunch. We were too busy. Linc picked her up to take her to an early dinner.”
“Skipping surfing. Skipping lunch. That’s not like you. I’m worried about you, surfer girl.” He pried my backpack from my grasp and pulled me into him. “I’m here whenever you decide to talk about it. Until then I’m just going to hold onto you.” His arms wrapped me in a secure embrace. My own wound tightly around him. I held back a sigh. No other place in the world, not even my ocean, felt so right.
After he released me—as if I had been capable of that kind of initiative—I closed and locked up the shop. Then he took me to dinner. Nothing fancy. To go burgers from Hodad’s. We ate them side by side sitting on one of the benches on the pier listening to the waves and watching the surfers.
For once I didn’t think about the past. I didn’t worry about my ghosts. I didn’t look for anyone else in the distance. For the present, the one I wanted sat right beside me.
Chapter Fifty-Four
* * *
Karen
“Let me take that for you, mi cielo,” Ramon insisted, unclipping his guitar strap when he saw me with the bag of trash.
“No. Keep playing. I’m fine.” But I wasn’t. And I think he knew it. His eyes narrowed as he searched my face. “I’ll be right back.” I stepped outside cinching the sack tighter before tossing it into the bin.
I recalled each day of the past week. Waking with his warm body pressed against mine. His strong arms around me. The brine in the air, the seagulls crying, the surf crashing. The steady beat of Ramon’s heart beneath my ear. His oak moss and sandalwood scent filling my lungs. Perfection.
(Complete Rock Stars, Surf and Second Chances #1-5) Page 54
