Filling my ears with the reliable roar of the ocean, I reminded myself that the tides rise and fall, the waves crest and trough and the ocean recedes but always returns to the shore. The permanence of it helped me to put things in perspective. I had a place to belong, to rise, to sometimes fall. I really had some serious skills when it came to the falling. But I always had the penthouse to retreat to, lonely though it might be.
“Ash.”
Dammit. I smoothed the contemplation from my face and turned.
“Fanny. What the hell? You’re not supposed to be out here. I told you…”
“You told me a lot of things,” she cut in. “It took me a moment to absorb the last one. I’m sorry about that. But if you would have stuck around I might have suggested the walk. I like it out here. Oceanside is a good place to put things in perspective, don’t you think?”
I nodded. Another discovery of something she and I had in common.
“I wanna thank you for sharing with me tonight. For being honest. That’s a good foundation for friends to build on. And I’m hoping you can answer some questions for me.”
“Sure.”
“Why didn’t you show up at the coffeehouse? Was it because of your diagnosis or were you just not interested in me as anything more than a friend?”
“The former, of course.”
“Ok.” She gave that a couple of bouncing nods. “I would’ve liked to have been there for you. But to be honest, we had just met. I had a ton of turmoil in my own life at that time. Maybe we would have figured things out together, but I also think it’s significant that we sorted our stuff out on our own. I’m stronger today than I was back then. Wiser, too. I wonder if that might be true of you also.”
“Definitely.” I nodded. “I went through rehab for substance addiction along with processing everything it meant to be HIV positive.”
“Good. You seem settled here. Past that personal crossroads, pointed in the direction you want your life to go. Are you happy where you’re headed, Ash?”
“For the most part, Fanny. I love my parents. Linc, Simone, Ramon and Karen. They’re the people walking along with me on the road I’ve chosen. They cheer me on, encourage me, lend a hand when I need it. But the destination is set. It’s the same for all of us, yeah? It’s how we get there, and what we do along the way that matters.”
“A journey-oriented philosophy of life. I wholeheartedly agree. In yoga there is a saying: Like a tree find your roots then you can bend with the wind.”
“That makes sense.”
“So you have your roots. Good ones. Your parents and your friends, right?”
“Yeah for sure.” I motioned her to join me on the bench I was sitting on. Did she get the significance of the invitation? Knowing her, she probably did. “You might as well get comfy since we’re already out here together.”
“Good point.” She took a seat close beside me, so close we were practically touching. Was she giving me a message, too, being so quick to take me up on my offer? I turned to regard her. She wore a long-sleeved t-shirt with bell sleeves that said ‘surf to live’ and a matching pair of pants Karen and Simone owned too that I knew said ‘Offshore’ in huge lettering on the ass. I was glad she had changed into something casual. Though she had looked sexy as hell wearing what she’d worn earlier, it would have been too distracting for the kind of discussion we were currently having.
“So I’m not sure where you want me to fit on your journey.” She drew her legs up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and laid her cheek on her knees, setting her gaze on me. Mine had been set on her since the moment she had appeared, set on her longer than before that if I was being completely honest. The ocean couldn’t even compete. “You said you want me to be a friend, but you don’t treat me the same as the ones you have.”
No, I certainly did not.
“You withheld your status.”
I opened my mouth to explain why, but she interrupted.
“I know we were new then, and they had all been with you a long time. Besides, you and I have had a few false starts in the friendship department.”
I nodded. She had filled in the blanks accurately. Again. I kept silent waiting to see what other conclusions she might have reached.
“The issue is trust, right? You want to know you can trust me. I want to know I can trust you. And trust goes right along with honesty. Both are important to you and me. We touched on it way back when. There’s a lot of fakery surrounding the entertainment business. You don’t care for it. I don’t care for it, either. You cut yourself off from the parts you don’t like. I left it all behind just like I told you I would. True I support Hollie in it. It’s her chosen profession. I see the value of it when it focuses on good. Maybe you can’t though. Maybe it’s just an affront to you personally now to believe in happy endings. Maybe you think they’re unrealistic and out of reach because of everything that’s happened since we first met.”
“Fucking hell, Fanny!” I exclaimed. She had shocking insight into my psyche. My little rose didn’t dance around the edges. She went straight for the heart.
“I’m sorry.” She lifted her head looking affronted. “I said too much, I guess, or maybe I got it all wrong.” She abandoned her reflective repose and set her feet on the pier.
“No, you didn’t.” I grabbed her arm as she started to stand. “You got it exactly right. You pretty much hit the bullseye, little one. I’m feeling kinda exposed actually to be honest. I just need a minute of my own to absorb, but I’d like you to stay while I do that. Does that work for you?”
She nodded. Beneath her pixie cap of red hair, her eyes were wide beautiful grey pools with tantalizing depths. She had given me privileged glimpses of her soul. Would I ever get to a place with her where I would return the privilege? I wasn’t sure. But right here, right now seemed like a very promising start. I took in a breath of damp salty ocean air then tried to formulate words I could actually speak out loud.
“Thank you.” I slid my fingers down her arm. She dropped her gaze to watch the motion. I watched her lips part as I reached her hand and curled my fingers around hers.
“Ash.” Her expression was soft when her gaze lifted. “What are we doing you and me?”
That was the question.
I didn’t have the answer. I was still working on it. I gave her what I had figured out.
“I feel like you being here is a second chance for us.”
“So do I,” she said.
“Yeah?”
She nodded.
“I’m not surprised, little rose. We seem to be on the same page about so many things. I’m interested to see what might happen if we turn those pages together for a change. You have a startling knack for seeing me, for understanding me like no one else. But I gotta tell you, I have no clue where we go from here.”
She smiled slowly.
“What’s amusing about me being clueless?”
“You’re Mr. Control, Ash. And you’re trying to tell me…what? That with you and me, you want to wing it? To just see what happens? To continue to be the friends we are, but to open the door to more?”
I exhaled shakily. “Yeah.” It scared the shit out of me. A lot of things could go really fucking wrong without a clearly defined plan. “That’s exactly what I’d like to do.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
* * *
Fanny
“Well it’s been an interesting start to the party,” Linc said from his spot in the living room, the others standing loosely gathered around him when Ash and I returned. Ash’s cousin had been the first one to notice our conspicuously intertwined fingers. Apparently friends trying for more held hands, I had discovered that on the walk in from the pier. It totally worked for me. “But Ash, just to say,” Linc said as he came closer, his warm expression hinting that he approved. “I’m pretty hungry. I’m hoping maybe you think the steaks have rested enough by now?”
“Yeah, dude.” Ash flashed his signature grin. “Let’s fir
e the grill up.” He dipped his head to me and hit me with his smile, the big one that creased his cheek and crinkled fine lines along the edges of his eyes. Directed solely on me that grin made my legs wobbly. “I’ll see you up there, little rose.” Eyes shimmering warmly, I felt that warmth keenly when he squeezed my hand, then let it go to join his cousin. Leaving the entryway behind, they ducked into the stairwell side by side. I noticed the others staring at me slack jawed as Hollie crossed to me.
“It went well, huh?” she asked while linking her arm to mine.
“Better.” I leaned into her so she could steady me, my head swiveling to follow him.
“Then let’s keep the better going.” She steered us in the direction Ash had taken, which was where the better had gone. “But we are so talking in depth about this later,” she told me as we placed our feet on the first stair.
“Count on it,” I replied with my gaze on Ash. He was a few steps further up ahead. And yes his sexy ass in all of his designer finery was an ah-mazing sight to see. So amazing I barely registered the hushed whispers and persistent footfalls as the rest of the partygoers pursued us.
A completely different vibe descended as we ascended. It no longer felt like a test to see if I fit in with his friends anymore. It felt like I’d already passed the initiation and gone straight to welcomed member. I think Ash holding my hand and smiling the way he had at me had something to do with it. I also thought the hand holding thing said we were skidding right past friends and straight into the more. I didn’t mind. I only hoped the signals he was sending were the ones he wanted me to receive.
At the top, the guys headed straight for the grill on the other side of the roof. The girls and I went to the larger seating area with the sectional nestled into a nearby corner. Simone and Karen scooted past the concrete coffee table and took a seat side by side in the middle of the L shaped portion. I started to sit on the shorter side. It had an unimpeded sight line to Ash who still had his gaze on me as mine was unabashedly fixed on him. Karen busted up our unspoken exchange when she called out to me. “Fanny, come sit down.” She patted the empty cushion beside her. “You’re part of the posse now. And you’re withholding important details we all wanna know.”
“That’s a violation of the sisterhood code.” Simone grinned, and her golden eyes sparkled reflecting the swaying overhead light.
“I want to know, too, but I’ll just sit here.” Hollie settled into my intended seat.
“We’ll make sure she speaks loud enough that you can hear. But keep an eye on the guys,” Karen hooked a thumb their direction. “This little convo is for our ears only.”
“You got it.” Hollie gave Karen a wave-snap, swiveled and wiggled her fingers at the guys. Ash was at the grill shaking salt over a platter of prime steaks. Linc was beside him saying something that I couldn’t hear over the waves and the wind. Ramon had the door of the undercounter fridge open, light spilling out of it on his flip-flopped feet. Ash seemed to sense my perusal. He turned his gaze to me, and I was his captive. Big surprise there. Several strands of platinum had escaped the tie at his nape. The breeze tossed them around his handsome face. He wouldn’t like the disarray but to me it only added to his appeal. So did the fact that he was watching me so closely. Even among his friends I knew he wanted to be sure I was ok.
I smiled to let him know I was better than good, and he returned his attention to preparing the food.
“Eyes back here, Fanny.” Karen prompted, and I shifted my gaze to regard her. “Don’t get me wrong. I understand the allure totally. I toured with the guys. Ash has no problem turning on the charm when he wants, too. He’s a good-looking guy, and he has that commanding aura about him. But he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Not with you over here. So we need to take advantage while he’s occupied, and we have a lookout to speak freely. So spill.”
“You guys were right.” I gave kudos to the sisterhood first. “You called it earlier. We are friends, but he wants to see if we can be more. I want that, too.” I had always wanted that. “So we agreed to try, and tonight is our first night taking that chance.”
“Wow.” Karen said. “Succinct. To the point. I like it. Surprising from Ash on many levels considering.”
I didn’t know exactly what that meant but I shared some more so maybe it wouldn’t be so surprising, and so she could get a better idea where Ash and I were. “We weren’t upfront when we first met. I wasn’t sure he was interested in me as more than a friend. This time I am, and that feels better even considering his diagnosis.”
“He told you his status?” Simone inquired, incredulousness lifting her tone and her brows.
“Yes,” I nodded. “I’m glad he told me.” He’d let down his guard, now we could work it out together.
“Not wow. Whoa!” She glanced over at Ash then back at me. “That’s not something he usually shares. No one but us, his parents, Renee and the Rock Fuck Club girl knows, and she had to sign a non-disclosure agreement before he agreed to do that episode with her.”
“Um, what? Hold on. Back up a bit.” Now my tone had shot up an octave. “Ash was on WMO’s Rock Fuck Club?”
“Yeah,” Simone confirmed, her gaze searching mine. “He and Renee. You didn’t know?”
“Uh-uh. I mean, I’ve heard of the show. Who hasn’t? It’s a pretty big deal. But I haven’t had a chance to stream the first season. I’ve been a little busy.”
“Fanny started her own business this year.” Hollie leaned forward closer to the collective. “And she and Tristan Murphy started dating.”
“What kind of business?” Karen asked.
“Tristan Murphy? The country singer?” Simone asked, her questions tripping over Karen’s.
“Fanny Bay Fragrances. And yes, that Tristan Murphy,” I confirmed.
“Holy shit!” Karen exclaimed. “I love that line. It’s all California based fragrances and essential oils so it’s holistic.” The surf shop owner slapped the side of her head. “Duh, I stuffed the sacks I brought over with oodles of their sample sizes. Yet, I didn’t make the connection.”
“The company logo is small.”
“It is. But from one business owner to another I gotta tell you the turquoise bay, the orange sunset with the white lettering on the packaging is brilliant. Not to mention the high quality of the products themselves. I predict the whole line is going to be a big hit. All it’ll take is one nationwide chain to pick it up.”
“Thanks,” I replied, smiling when she paused to take a breath. “I’d be happy with just one California chain ordering stuff regularly. But I’m almost breaking even, and more importantly I’m doing something I love.”
“You could get more exposure if you tied in your music somehow,” Karen pointed out. Something Tristan had encouraged me to do as well.
“I’m not doing music anymore.”
“But the song you played on Ramon’s guitar.”
“That was just me fooling around on a super sweet instrument.” I sighed. I missed my Martin. My Claddagh ring. My little cottage in San Bernardino.
“You won an Oscar for best song! Beat the Dogs I should remind you. And anyway, the just messing around excuse is what Ramon used when he wanted Ash to produce his solo stuff.” She shook her head. “I might not know a whole lot, Fanny, but the guys tell me I’ve got a good ear. And what I heard the other day wasn’t fooling around. It was phenomenal.”
“Speaking of fooling around,” Simone interjected. “Tristan Murphy? He’s a hottie. Those chocolate brown eyes and that sweet baritone of his.” Simone fanned her face. “I’m not a country girl usually, but I bought his latest album, the one with all those sexy love songs. I also got two tickets for Linc and me to see him at the Casbah when he comes through next month.”
“You’re lucky you got tickets. His tour sold out as soon as the sales went online.”
“But,” Karen touched my arm, “You and Tristan. You’re not serious, are you?”
A shadow suddenly fell over me. I looked up.
“Ash.” My hands fluttered.
“Hollie!” Karen complained, shooting her a look.
“Sorry, posse leader. I blew my lookout duty.”
“The steaks are done,” Ash announced to the group in general. He was no longer smiling. “Ramon and Linc went downstairs to get the sides from the bigger fridge. But they could probably use some help bringing everything up.”
“That’s our cue girls,” Karen declared. “In guy talk, it means, ‘get gone so I can talk to Fanny’.”
“Yeah, I get it. Subtle, Ash.” Simone rolled her eyes at the Dirt Dogs’ drummer. “Good luck,” she said to me touching my shoulder.
“We’re all here for you,” Karen said, beckoning my sister to come along with a rolling motion of her hand.
“Apparently we are all going to be here for you long distance.” Hollie gave me a grimaced eek look as she passed between Ash and me then hurried after everyone else toward the stairs.
Guys gone. The sisterhood scattered. No one left but me and Ash. Irate Ash. I swallowed.
“So,” he growled. “You wanna clue me in on what the hell Karen was talking about?”
“Sure.” I fidgeted in my seat. All those touches, the handholding tonight, the tenderness, the protectiveness. We weren’t just skidding past friends. It felt like we were flying past it. Had I been missing the clues all along? Were we already going to talk about the significant others in our lives? If so he wasn’t the clueless one, I was. “But I’m not sure, um, which part you overheard.”
“I heard pretty much everything after the ‘holy shit’.”
“Ah.”
“Congrats on the perfume. You did what you set out to do. I’m proud of you.”
“It’s just in its infancy. And it’s not that big of an accomplishment. I didn’t even have to go to the SBA with a business plan to apply for a loan. Some anonymous fan paid a ridiculous amount to buy an old car of mine.”
“A 1946 Pontiac Deluxe Woodie Wagon is not just an old car, Fanny.”
“How did you know the exact year, make and model?” I cocked my head to the side having a funny feeling as he came and took a seat beside me.
(Complete Rock Stars, Surf and Second Chances #1-5) Page 72
