“He married you,” I reminded her, my throat tight as I thought of the photo and the feelings he must still carry for her.
“For a while it worked. But a relationship takes two, and he doesn’t need a woman. Just him, his dad, surfing, and his music.”
I knew Lalana spoke some major truth, and that she spoke it from experience. More jarring than her unexpected appearance was hearing my inner trepidation spoken out loud.
Our chemistry and the meaning I had attached to one night. The tiny bit of hope I’d seen because of a silly tray of fruit. The softening of my heart because of the inclusion in his life and the glimpses he’d given me of his deeper self. All of that spilled out of the wound she’d sliced open inside my chest.
I glanced away so she wouldn’t see how precisely she’d struck her target, only to have my tear-filled gaze fall on Diesel.
My eyes widened. He wore only a pair of light blue swim trunks. Drenched with water, they clung so low to his narrow hips that they were barely decent. He also wore a liberal dusting of sand on his coppery skin.
It boggled my mind that I’d touched and traced nearly every single glorious inch of him. His chiseled muscles were as tense as they had been when he’d been driving his cock into me. But his eyes were darker than I’d ever seen them, his expression too. His intensity took my breath away. He took my breath away, looking at him in the sunlight after all the intimacies we’d shared in the night.
Diesel had taken more than I’d bargained for. And I’d given him more. Willingly, stupidly, but now it was time to wake up.
Fanny was right. I wasn’t built for hookups without emotion. And now I was full of it, so full of emotion that it was bleeding from me, burning my eyes as it filled them, and dripping down my body from the gaping wound in my chest.
And I had no idea how to staunch the flow.
Chapter Twenty-Six
* * *
Diesel
I’d walked into the middle of a shitstorm.
Hollie had a crease between her eyes, only it wasn’t just a crease, it was the Grand Canyon of creases. And my ex was grinning like she did whenever she was being a manipulative bitch, which was all the time. Unless she wanted something.
Apparently, her goal wasn’t something right now, it was someone. She was going to fuck me over, using Hollie.
“What’d she tell you?” I aimed my gaze and the question at Hollie.
“Nothing she probably didn’t already know.”
“I didn’t ask you, Lalana.” I whipped my head around to glare at her.
“Told you.” My ex lifted her hands in the air and gave Hollie a long look as if exasperated. “If you’re not giving it to him regular, he reverts to his natural state of being an asshole.”
“Oh, he gets it regular. At the bar here, in OB, backstage at the venues and hotels on the road.” Hollie put her hand on her hip, and my eyes widened at the depth of her knowledge concerning my hookups. “The stock market price on condom manufacturers probably hits an upward tick every time the Dirt Dogs announce a new tour.”
Lalana’s mouth dropped open, her comical incredulous expression probably mirroring mine. But Hollie wasn’t done. She gave Lanana a smile sharper than the knife I used to cut the fruit each morning.
“He’s working on me right now, sweetheart, and if you want to have a go afterward, you’re going to have to get in line and wait your turn. I’m in no hurry to give him up, not after he fucked me three times so hard last night that I’m still having aftershocks. Actually, four times if you count the sweet way he made me come with his mouth. If you ever had it that good from him, I could see why you’d be pretty desperate to remove the competition so you could get it again. But, sweetie . . .” Hollie paused and arched her signature brow. “I’m far from done.”
Flipping her platinum ponytail over her shoulder, Hollie brushed past my ex. “I’ll be on the beach in my usual spot.”
She stopped in front of me and placed her palm on my chest, practically setting fire to my skin. There was a deeper emotion working in the region where she was touching me, but I hadn’t had enough time to sort it out yet.
“All right.” My cock tented my shorts. Hollie talking dirty and acting tough as shit with Lalana filled me with pride for her and turned me on in equal measure.
“When you’re ready to give me another surfing lesson, let me know.” Hollie’s pretty gray eyes met mine.
I saw the massive quaking in them. She wasn’t nearly as steady about all of this as she appeared to be, but seeing that didn’t make me any less proud of her. In fact, it made me more awed.
When the option was sink or swim, Hollie didn’t just rise to the surface, she soared above it.
“Sure, babe.” I cupped Hollie’s cheek with my hand. “I’ll do that, and I’ll take care of you, right after I take the extra house key away from my ex and get rid of her. Your pleasure is my pleasure.”
“Diesel—”
“No, Lalana.” I cut off her protest while treating myself to the show of watching Hollie sashay her sexy ass away. I couldn’t wait to run my hands all over that lushness again.
“Key.” My tone was abrupt. The sooner my ex was gone, the sooner I could go to Hollie.
“But I need the extra income from cleaning. I still have three months to go before I can apply to get my driver’s license back. Until I have that, I told you no one will hire me.”
“Should’ve thought of that before you laid into my girl.”
“Your what?” Lalana’s voice was shrill enough to peel paint from wood.
“Clue in. She’s in my house. She’s on my cock. She’s in my bed. She’s part of my life. It’s not rocket science.” I shook my head at Lalana. “I was willing to help you out because you gave birth to our child, need a reference to get a decent job, and because I see you getting steady employment as a step in the right direction to get you out of my life for good.”
“Don’t be like this, Diesel.”
When Lalana reached for me, I slapped her grasping hands away. “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me. You know I can’t even look at you without remembering that night.”
She turned pale. “It was an accident.”
“An accident that never would’ve happened if you hadn’t been high.”
“If you had been home—”
“Don’t put it on me.” I did enough of that on my own. If. If. If. It was a vicious cycle that changed nothing. Glaring at her, I gritted out, “I was working.”
“Surfing’s not a real job.”
“It put food on our table. It was my job at the time. But thanks to you, that’s over. Gone. He’s gone. We’re over, and I want you gone. Leave your key on the coffee table and go.”
I turned away from Lalana, putting her in the past, and went to the railing, grabbing the wood so hard it splintered. Hearing her retreating footsteps and a clink of metal on the table, I loosened my grip and turned my feet and my path away from regrets and toward something infinitely better.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
* * *
Hollie
A shadow fell over me, blocking the sunlight, but I didn’t feel cold. Just the opposite, in fact. I knew it was Diesel by the way my body reacted.
“Hey.” His gaze raked over me where I lay on the towel.
I was on my side, boobs up, hip jutted out, chin high, positioned to best advantage while I’d pretended not to watch him with Lalana on the porch.
“Is she gone?” I pushed my sunglasses on top of my head and shaded my eyes, regarding him through lowered lashes.
He nodded.
“You want to explain what all of that was just now with your ex?”
“I’d rather not. I can think of better things to do.” He gave me a look so intense that my body throbbed.
“I can too, but I think you owe me at least enough information to be prepared while I’m here.”
Shoot straight. Be strong. Be the woman he thinks you are. Someone you can be proud
of.
“Lalana cleans the house every other week. Well, she used to.” He cocked his head. “You know I have an ex. Surely you’ve heard everyone talk about what a bitch she is.”
“Knowing and experiencing her before my first cup of coffee are two different things.”
“Yeah, definitely.” His lips curved up on one side, giving me a single winking crescent and the courage to proceed.
“Why is Lalana’s picture beside your bed?”
His lips flattened. “It’s the best photo with my son.”
“He’s adorable.”
“Was.”
When Diesel corrected me, my heart broke for him.
“What was his name?” I asked, my hand sliding protectively over my abdomen.
“I don’t talk about Kellan with anyone. It won’t bring him back. It just brings pain.” Diesel’s eyes were dark shutters, and his voice was as ravaged as his expression.
“Maybe you just haven’t talked to the right people.”
Standing, I moved toward him while he watched me with a guarded expression. I reached for and took his hands in mine. Staring down at our joined fingers, I tried to formulate words.
“Talking does hurt if the person listening isn’t on the same page as you.” I glanced up, realizing that was the reason I hadn’t felt comfortable talking to Fanny about Max. She’d moved straight to anger and hating him after his deception was known. My feelings were more complicated.
“Maybe.” Diesel’s brow creased. “It was awful at the time. I don’t even know how I survived or why . . .” His troubled gaze turned to the water.
“Did he . . .” I swallowed. Looking at Diesel, it seemed survival was about all he’d managed. “Did he drown?”
“Yes.” In his voice, I could feel the cold weight of his sadness pulling me under with him.
“How old was he?”
“Three.” He tugged to free his hands from my grip.
“Please don’t pull away.” I tightened my fingers and he let me keep him, but we both knew he was stronger. If he wanted to pull away, he could. “Could you tell me what happened? I want to understand. I want to help if I can.”
Diesel returned his gaze to me, his expression revealing devastation and guilt. “I wasn’t even here. I’m not even sure exactly what happened. I was in a competition on Oahu. It was late at night. Lalana tells everyone she put Kel to bed in the guest bedroom. My dad was asleep in the room I’m in now. She was in the living area, getting high with her friends. I don’t know how Kel managed to slip by her, but he did.”
So much pain and regret, just like me with Max. “You have so many questions without answers and so many what-ifs.”
“Yes, exactly.” Diesel angled his head and studied me as closely as I studied him. “We found one of my boards on the shore the next day, and him—his body—a distance away later. We think he was trying to surf on his own, but we’ll never know for sure.”
“And not knowing makes you feel like you failed him.”
“Yes.” The agony in his voice sliced shards of his pain into me.
“You didn’t.” I squeezed his fingers tighter, noting the size and strength of his hands, but marveling at how openly vulnerable he was being. “You loved him. Your son knew you loved him.” Unlike me with Max.
“Kel was a ray of sunshine. When I come out to the ocean early in the morning and see the sun peek over the horizon, I talk to him.” Diesel’s expression turned fierce as if he feared I would tell him that was an inappropriate way to grieve.
“I’m sure where he is on the other side of this world, he hears you.”
Diesel nodded once, and I didn’t pretend not to see his tears.
Releasing my grip on his hands, I went up on my toes and tenderly swept the wetness from his cheeks while staring into his dark gaze, offering him my understanding, sharing his sorrow, and comforting him the best I could.
“Tell me some things about him. What was he like? What was his favorite food? What was your favorite thing to do together? Did you ever sing to him like you sang to me?”
“That’s a lot of things.”
“I think there’s a lot to know.”
“There is.” His gaze became less ravaged and more reflective. “My dad, Lalana, me—we all fixate on our guilt. It’s hard to get past that to remember the good.”
Diesel pulled in a breath that expanded his chest. I thought he would retreat again, but I should have known better. He wasn’t only physically strong.
“Kellan was demanding from the moment he was born. He knew what he wanted and how to get it. He had us all wrapped around his little finger. I was Daddy, Tam was Tataw, and Lalana was Mommy. He would drop things on purpose, just to watch us pick them up. He loved the ocean. Thought surfboards were magic, and that everyone was his friend. He liked mac and cheese from Paradise, and his favorite drink was chocolate milk. I sang to him every night when I was home. And I was just starting to teach him to surf when . . .”
I threw my arms around Diesel’s waist as the tears reappeared in his eyes and my own flooded with emotion. There weren’t any words or a magic formula to ease his pain. But as his arms came around me to return my embrace, I believed we understood each other.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
* * *
Diesel
“Tell me about the bodyguard,” I said with my arms around Hollie, feeling fortunate as fuck that she was in my arms after Lalana and the stuff I’d shared. Maybe there was something beneficial about the process of sharing. “What happened?”
“I can’t talk to you about him.” Hollie glanced away.
“Why not?” I frowned.
“Lots of reasons.”
“Give me one.” I captured her chin and gently turned her to face me. Her eyes were as turbulent as the sea.
“You didn’t like him.”
“I didn’t like you with him.”
“Why not?”
I knew why. But I sure as fuck wasn’t going to tell her I wanted me with her, not him. “Tell me why you think he was right for you, and I’ll tell you why I think he was wrong.”
“He was kind, sweet, and supportive.”
“He gave you what you wanted and did what you wanted him to do.” My brows dipped as I recalled how different she seemed with him. “He let you walk all over him. Did he ever challenge you?”
“How do you mean?” The crease between her eyes appeared.
“Would he have made you surf?”
She shook her head. The ends of her ponytail swished over my hands, and my cock lengthened as I remembered how her hair felt in my grip when I was fucking her.
“Did he ever make you think critically about yourself or your decisions?” I didn’t know much about a reciprocal relationship. Mine with Lalana had been pretty one-sided, me giving and her taking, but what I saw with my bandmates and their women was different. More balanced.
“No, he accepted me like I am. Me for me.” Her pretty pink lips trembled.
“That’s not wanting the best for you. That’s not a partner. It’s a pushover.”
She lifted her chin. “Did Lalana challenge you to do anything you didn’t want to do?”
“Rarely. She was too self-involved and then too drugged out to be interested in anything but her next fix.” Once we married, even the sex had turned sour. “But we’re not talking about me right now. You’re supposed to be telling me about him.”
“I just did.” Hollie tried to free her face from my hold.
“We went off on a tangent.” I searched her gaze, finding a shit-ton of uncertainty and too much sadness for a guy who I thought didn’t deserve it. “I want to help you, if I can.” I gave her words back to her. Framing her face in both my hands, I telegraphed understanding from my earth-brown eyes to her cloudy-sky ones.
“You can’t help me. I failed him, and he died. The end.”
“I don’t think that’s true, and I doubt the story is that simple.” I stroked her creamy soft cheeks wit
h my thumbs. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, but I knew about guilt, and I knew I wanted her in my bed and in my arms without the burden of that guilt between us.
“Did you tell Lalana you loved her?”
“Yes, of course.”
“I never told Max. Not once.”
The shock must have registered in my expression. Hollie used my surprise to free herself.
“I told you I’m a messed-up person.” Stepping back, she wrapped her arms around herself.
“You’re the least fucked-up person I know.”
“You just don’t know me all that well.” Hollie took another step back, and her withdrawal pissed me off. “You wouldn’t look at me like you have if you did.”
“How do I look at you?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“Like you want me. Like I matter. Like you expect me to be strong.” Her chin came up so she could keep me in view, but also because she wouldn’t back down from me.
“I do want you. I think I made that clear last night.”
“Not like that. As a person.”
“I’ve never met a woman like you, hurting yet unafraid to be vulnerable.” I gave it to her straight, like for like, feeling a sharpness of pride for her and something stronger pierce my chest. “You try to understand others out of kindness rather than self-interest. You stand up to me, undiminished and strong, after weathering betrayal, abuse, and losses. You’ve picked up the pieces for yourself time and again, and reached out to help me and my father.”
“I fall apart at night.”
“Okay, at night you’re a wimp, but apart from that, you’re a goddess.” My gaze flaring, I removed the distance she’d gained, my toes barely an inch from hers in the sand. “So, tell me again, pele, how you think I don’t know you.”
“I never met a guy like you either.” She stepped into my space, my words seeming to fill her with confidence.
“Your sample pool with the opposite sex is a lot smaller than mine,” I teased, wanting to see the somberness lighten from her eyes.
(Complete Rock Stars, Surf and Second Chances #1-5) Page 128
